by Monty Python
RITA WHICKER DAVIES
NIGEL WHICKER JONES
FRANK WILLIAMS AS THE BOY WHICKER
MAKE UP ALAN WHICKER AND MADELAINE GAFFNEY
ALAN WHICKER COSTUMES HAZEL PETHIG
ANIMATIONS BY TERRY WHICKER GILLIAM
MR WHICKER KINDLY PHOTOGRAPHED ON FILM BY ALAN FEATHERSTONE
EDITED ON FILM BY RAY MILLICHOPE
MR WHICKER'S SOUND BY ALAN WHICKER, ALAN WHICKER AND RICHARD CHUBB
MR WHICKER WAS ENTIRELY LIT BY JIMMY PURDIE (ASSISTED BY ALAN WHICKER)
MR WHICKER WAS DESIGNED BY ROBERT BERK
PRODUCED BY ALAN WHICKER OH, AND IAN MCNAUGHTON
A BBC WHICKER COLOUR PRODUCTION
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Emigration from Surbiton Hounslow
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
MR. NORRIS
Michael Palin
MRS. NORRIS
Graham Chapman
MAN ON RIGHT
Terry Jones
MAN ON LEFT
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Pull back from a shot of an old little Ford Popular to reveal Mr and Mrs Norris, standing with it outside the front garden of a small suburban semi-detached house.)
Voice Over: Who, a year ago, had heard of Mr and Mrs Brian Norris of 37, Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green? And yet their epic journey in EBW 343 has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl and Sir Edmund Hillary. Starting only with a theory, Mr Norris set out to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great trek north. No newcomer to this field, Mr Norris's 'A Short History of Motor Traffic Between Parley and Esher' had become a best-selling minor classic in the car-swapping belt. (shot of Mr Norris gazing into a window, where his book lies; there is a sign saying 'Remaindered) But why would the people of Surbiton go to Hounslow? Mr Norris had noticed three things: (split-screen shot of two identical semi-detached houses) Firstly, the similarity of the houses. Secondly, the similarity of the costume between Hounslow and Surbiton, (similarly, dressed suburbanites on tither side of the split screen) and thirdly, the similarity of speech.
(Split screen.)
Man on Right: Are you still running the GDBDMDB?
Man on Left: Yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled to remove tamping.
Man on Left: Jolly good.
Voice Over: Were these just coincidences, or were they, as Mr Norris believed, part of an identical cultural background? One further discovery convinced him. (cut to two lawn mowers arranged on a table, as if they were exhibits in a museum, with hand-written documentation in front of them for the visitor) The lawnmower. Surely such a gadget could not have been generated independently in two separate areas. Mr Norris was convinced.
Mr Norris's Voice: I'm convinced.
Voice Over: But how to prove it.
Mr Norris's Voice: But how to prove it.
Voice Over: There was only one way to see if the journey between Surbiton and Hounslow was possible, and that was to try and make it. Months of preparation followed whilst Mr Norris continued his research in the Putney Public Library, (Mr Norris in a library reading a book titled 'The Lady with the Naked Skin' by Paul Fox Jnr) and Mrs Norris made sandwiches.
(Cut to Mr and Mrs Norris leaving their home.)
Voice Over: Finally, by April, they were ready. On the 23rd, Mr and Mrs Norris set out from 'Abide-A-Wee' to motor the fifteen miles to Surbiton, watched by a crowd of local well-wishers. (one tiny child holding a small British flag) That evening they dined at Tooting. (quick flash of them sitting in the window of a Golden Egg or Wimpy place) This would be the last they'd see of civilization. Mr Norris's diary for the 23rd reveals the extraordinary calmness and deep inner peacefulness of his mind.
(We see the diary.)
Mr Norris's Voice: 7.30 Fed cat. 8.00 Breakfast. 8.30 Yes (successfully). 9.00 Set out on historic journey.
(Cut to Mr Norris's car driving along a suburban road. A sign says 'You are now leaving Surbiton, gateway to Esher'.)
Voice Over: On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the traffic, Mr Norris's historic expedition set out from Surbiton - destination Hounslow. Early on they began to perceive encouraging signs. (cut to sign saying 'Hoursslow 25 miles '; Mr Norris closely examines the sign, as would an archaeologist) The writing on the sign was almost exactly the same as the writing in the AA book. They were on the right route. During the long hours of the voyage, Mr Norris's wife Betty kept a complete photographic record and made sandwiches. This is some of the unique footage which Mrs Norris got back from the chemists... (badly, shot pictures of sandwiches, with fingers in the lens, etc.) Mile succeeded mile and the terrific strain was beginning to tell when suddenly, (chord; Mr Norris points excitedly, pull back to reveal him standing on a bridge over the Kingston by-pass examining it through field glasses) by an amazing stroke of luck, Mr Norris had come across the Kingston by-pass. This was something to tell the Round Table. (cut to a map, it traces the two routes in red as the voice talks) At this stage, Mr Norris was faced with two major divergent theories concerning his Surbiton ancestors. Did they take the Kingston by-pass, turning left at Barnes, or did they strike west up the A308 via Norbiton to Hampton Wick? Both these theories ran up against one big obstacle - the Thames, (the car at a river bank; Mr and Mrs Norris puzzling; behind them three or four bridges with traffic pouring over) lying like a silver turd between Richmond and Isleworth. This was a major setback. How could they possibly cross the river? Several hours of thought produced nothing. There was only one flask of coffee left when suddenly Mr Norris spotted ' something. (cut to a sign saying Metropolitan Railway) Could this have been the method used? Hardly daring to believe, Mr Norris led his expedition on to the 3.47. (cut to them getting on the train) Forty minutes later, via Clapham, Fulham, Chiswick and Brentford, they approached their goal: Hounslow. (a sign saying 'Hounslow Central'; Mr Nortis sticks a British flag on the platform; he poses for his wife's photos; much hand shaking) Was this, then, the final proof? Something aroused the accountant's instinct buried deep in Mr Norris's make-up. (cut to Mr Norris's eyes and furrowed brow) The journey was possible, and yet .... (zoom in on railway timetable on wall saying 'Trains to Surbiton every half hour) 'Wrong Way' Norris had accidentally stumbled on a piece of anthropological history. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow who had made the great trek south to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton, and not vice versa, as he had originally surmised. This was the secret of Surbiton! Happy and contented Mr Norris returned to the calmer waters of chartered accountancy, for, in his way, 'Wrong Way' Norris was right.
(Music swells, over book title 'The Story of EBW 343 ' by 'Wrong Way' Norris.)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
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Schoolboys' Life Assurance Company
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
HEADMASTER
Michael Palin
STEBBINS
Eric Idle
BALDERSTON
Terry Gilliam
TIDWELL
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Cut to a headmaster's study.)
Headmaster: Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door; it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right, it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.
Stebbins: It was Tidwell's idea, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning the It
alian Grand Prix at Monza.
Stebbins: Thank you, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop! I made it quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that clear, Balderston?
Balderston: Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a 'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exert form from Mr Dibley.
Balderston: Sorry, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble with her,.. er... with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit of attention, Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence) Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want'you to cut along and have a look at the wife.
Tidwell: Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a gynaecologist.
Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!
Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a gynaecologist?
Stebbins: (very reluctantly) Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?
Stebbins: (muttering into his shoes) Thirty guineas, sir.
Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!
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How to rid the world of all known diseases
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
ALAN
John Cleese
NOEL
Graham Chapman
JACKIE
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Cut to a sign saying 'How to do it'. Music. Pull out to reveal a 'Blue Peter' type set. Sitting casually on the edge of a dais an three presenters in sweaters - Noel, Jackie and Alan - plus a large bloodhound.)
Alan: Hello.
Noel: Hello.
Alan: Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Jackie: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Hello, Jackie.
Jackie: Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.
Alan: Thanks, Jackie. Great idea. How to play the flute. (picking up a flute) Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.
Noel: Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'Ll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So, until next week, cheerio.
Alan: Bye.
Jackie: Bye.
(Children's music.)
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Mrs. Niggerbaiter explodes
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28, it also featured on their album - 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (UK version). It was also featured on the 'Matching Tie and Hankercheif' Album, but under the title of Infant Minister for Overseas Development
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The cast:
MRS. NIGGER-BAITER
Michael Palin
MRS. SHAZAM
Terry Jones
SON
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Pull out to reveal that the 'Blue Peter' set is in one corner of a stockbroker-belt sitting room. Two ladies an sitting by the fire looking at a photo album.)
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy, just like his father.
Mrs Shazam: D'you think so, Mrs Nigger-Baiter?
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oh yes, spitting image.
(The door opens. The son comes in.)
Son: Good afternoon, mother. Good afternoon, Mrs Nigger-Baiter.
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Ooh, he's walking already!
Mrs Shazam: Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you? Coochy coochy coo . . .
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Hello, coochy coo...
Mrs Shazam: Hello, hello... (they chuck him under the chin)
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Oochy coochy. (the son smiles a little tight smile) Look at him laughing... ooh, he's a chirpy little fellow. Isn't he a chirpy little fellow ... eh? eh? Does he talk Does he talk, eh?
Son: Of course I talk, I'm Minister for Overseas Development.
Mrs Nigger-Baiter: Ooh, he's a clever little boy - he's a clever little boy. (gets out a rattle) Do you like your rattle? Do you like your rattle? Look at his little eyes following it ... look at his iggy piggy piggy little eyeballs eh... oo... he's got a tubby tumotum. Oh, he's got a tubby tum-tum.
Son: (whilst Mrs Nigger-Baiter is talking) Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea please. I have an important statement on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.
(Sound of an explosion out of vision. Cut to reveal Mrs Nigger-Baiter's chair charred and smoking. Mrs Nigger-Baiter is no longer there. The upholstery is smouldering gently.)
Mrs Shazam: Oh, Mrs Nigger-Baiter's exploded.
Son: Good thing, too.
Mrs Shazam: She was my best friend.
Son: Oh, mother, don't be so Sentimental. Things explode every day.
Mrs Shazam: Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.
(The doorbell rings. Mrs Shazam goes to the door. A vicar with a suitcase.)
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Vicar (Salesman)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
VICAR
Eric Idle
MRS. SHAZAM
Terry Jones
DOCTOR
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
Vicar: Hello, I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopaedias?
Mrs Shazam: Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you.
(The vicar opens his suitcase to reveal it is packed with brushes.)
Vicar: How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong-tufted, attractive colours.
Mrs Shazam: No - really, thank you, vicar.
Vicar: Oh dear ... Turkey? Cup final tickets?
Mrs Shazam: No, no really, we're just not religious thank you.
Vicar: Oh, well. Bye bye.
Mrs Shazam: Bye bye, vicar. (she shuts the door, as she returns to seat the vicar pops his head round the door again)
Vicar: Remember, if you do want anything... jewellery, Ascot water heaters...
Mrs Shazam: Thank you, vicar. (he goes) It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that? I mean, you wouldn't think it was medically possible, would you?
(Cut to a doctor in a posh consulting room.)
Doctor: This is where Mrs Shazam was so wrong. Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good. For instance, athlete's foot - an irritating condition - can be cured by applying a small charge of TNT between each toe. (doorbell) Excuse me. (he opens the door)
Vicar: Hello, I'm your new vicar, can I interest you in any of these watches, pens or biros? (exhibits the collection ins
ide his jacket)
Doctor: No ... I'm not religious, I'm afraid.
Vicar: Oh, souvenirs, badges... a little noddy dog for the back of the car?
Doctor: No thank you, vicar. Good morning.
Vicar: Oh, morning.
(He shuts the door.)
Doctor: Now, many of the medical profession are sceptical about my work. They point to my record of treatment of athlete's foot sufferers - eighty-four dead, sixty-five severely wounded and twelve missing believed cured. But then, people laughed at Bob Hope, people laughed at my wife when she wrapped herself up in greaseproof paper and hopped into the Social Security office, but that doesn't mean that Pasteur was wrong! Look, I'll show you what I mean. (goes to a wall diagram of two skeletons and taps one with a rod)
ANIMATION:
Skeleton: Watch it, mate. I'm not going to stay round here getting poked and prodded all day. (clips a face on and moves off the diagram) I'm off.., I've got a decent body, all I get is poked and prodded in the chest. (moving through countryside) Well, I'm off. I'm going to get another line of work. (goes past various warning signs)
Voice: Watch it!
Voice: Don't go any further!
Voice: Turn back!
Voice: Stop!
(The sprocket holes at the side of the film come into view.)
Voice: Stop! Oh, please stop!
(The skeleton moves past the sprocket holes and falls into blank space.)
Voice: Oh, my god, he's fallen off the edge of the cartoon.