by Monty Python
Voice: Well, so much for that link.
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Farming Club /
'Life of Tschaikowsky'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
FIRST PRESENTER
Eric Idle
SECOND PRESENTER
John Cleese
MAURICE
Michael Palin
FIRST EXPERT
Graham Chapman
SECOND EXPERT
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Artistic-type set. There is a large screen on back. Stock two-chair set-up as for interview.)
First Presenter: John Cobbley is the Musical and Artistic Director of Covent Garden. He is himself a talented musician, he is a world famous authority on nineteenth-century Russian music and he's come into the studio tonight to talk about Tchaikowsky, which is a bit of a pity as this is 'Farming Club'. On 'Farming Club' tonight we'll be taking a look at the Ministry's (pigs appear on the screen, Cobbley gets up, looks about him, wanders off, rather puzzled) latest preventative proposals to deal with a possible outbreak of foot and mouth, we'll be talking later to the man who believes that milk yields can be increased dramatically, but first a Farming Club special, the life of Tchaikowsky.
(Cue Tchaikowsky's first piano concerto. Stock film of a farmyard with superimposed roller caption.)
ROLLER CAPTION: 'FARMING CLUB, IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE POTATO MARKETING BOARD, ALSO IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE BEETROOT, HAM, EGG AND TOMATO MARKETING BOARD, AND ALSO IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE LITTLE GREEN BITS OF CUCUMBER DICED WITH SHALLOTS, GARNISHED WITH CHIVES AND SERVED WITH A ROQUEFORT DRESSING MAKES AN EXCELLENT APPETIZER OR SIDE DISH WITH A STEAK OR A STEW MARKETING BOARD, PRESENTS: THE LIFE OF PETER ILYICH TCHAIKOWSKY, IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE PETER ILYICH TCHAIKOWSKY MARKETING BOARD'
(Cut back to the presenter.)
First Presenter: Tchaikowsky. Was he the tortured soul who poured out his immortal longings into dignified passages of stately music, or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes? (pull back to show a second presenter in the other chair) Tonight on 'Farming Club' we're going to take an intimate look at Tchaikowsky (a picture of Tchaikowsky on the screen) and an intimate look at his friends. (a picture of a naked sailor on a tiger-skin rug) Incidentally, BBC Publications have prepared a special pamphlet to go with this programme called 'Hello Pianist', Ot comes up on the screen; on its cover theft is a picture of a pig) and it contains material that some people might find offensive but which is really smashing.
Second Presenter: Peter Ilyich Tchaikowsky was born in 1840 in a Ken Russell film iust outside St Petersburg. His father (Leo McKern), a free-lance bishop, was married to Vern Plachenka (Julie Christie) but secretly deeply in love with Margo Farenka (Shirley Abicair) and the strangely flatulent Madame Ranevsky (Norris McWhirter). Soon, however, the family (Eldridge Cleaver, Moira Lister and Stan the Bat) moved to the neighbouring industrial village of Omsk (Eddie Waring) where they soon found themselves, sadly, quite unable to cope (Anthony Barber). In i863, however, Tchaikowsky was sent to Moscow to study the piano and, when he'd finished that, the living room. Maurice takes up the story.
(Cut to a poofy presenter in really chintzy surroundings.)
Maurice: Well, guess what, the very next thing he did was to go to this extraordinary but extraordinary duckety-poos semi-Mondrian house in Robin Russia. Here Tommy Tchaikowsky wrote some of the most Sammy super symphonies you've ever Henry heard in the whole of your Lily life.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A FAMOUS MUSIC CRITIC AND HAIRDRESSER'
Maurice: She was such a good composer that everybody, but everybody, wanted to know, and quite right too, because she wrote some lovely bits, such as Sally Sleeping Beauty, Poesy Pathetique, Adrian 1812 and lots of Conny concerti for Vera violin and Peter Piano Fanny Forte.
(Cut back to second presenter.)
Second Presenter: But what do we really know of this tortured ponce?
(Cut to space-programme-type set. Experts at a desk. An Apollo-type monograph behind them says 'Tchaikowsky XII'. The centre motif is a picture of Tchaikowsky.)
First Expert: Well, if you can imagine the size of Nelson's Column, which is roughly three times the size of a London bus, then Tchaikowsky was much smaller. His head was about the same size as that of an extremely large dog, that is to say, two very small dogs, or four very large hamsters, or one medium-size rabbit if you count the whole of the body and not just the head. Robin.
(He has a model of Tchaikowsky which comes apart.)
Second Expert: Thank you. Well here is a three-stage model of Tchaikowsky... here you see the legs, used for walking around, and which can be jettisoned at night ... (he takes the legs off) And this is the main trunk,. the power house of the whole thing, incorporating of course the naughty bits, which were extremely naughty for his time, and the whole thing is subservient to (takes it off) this small command module, the, as it were, head of the whole, as it were, body. Robin.
(Cut to first expert.)
First Expert: Peter.
(Cut to first presenter.)
First Presenter: Simon.
(Cut to second presenter.)
Second Presenter: Maurice.
(Cut to Maurice.)
Maurice: Me. Well, poor pet, she was like a lost lamb in an abattoir. Eventually she Dickie died of Colin Cholera in St Patsy Petersburg, in Gettie great Percy pain.
(Cut to a piano in a pool of light.)
Voice Over: Here to play Tchaikowsky's first piano concerto in B Flat Minor is the world-famous soloist Sviatoslav Richter. 'During the performance he will escape from a sack, three padlocks and a pair of handcuffs.
(A chained figure in a sack rolls into shot and starts rolling about and playing the piano concert. After a minute 'Rita' enters and gestures to him. She is in fish-na tights, etc, - the full conjurer's assistant. He wriggles free from the sack, playing the while. The music stops.)
CAPTION: 'SVIATOSLAV RICHTER AND RITA'
(Film of an applauding audience in the Royal Albert Hall,)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'AND NOW'
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Trim-Jeans Theatre
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
GARY COOVER
Eric Idle
JEAN WENNERSTORM
Graham Chapman
MARK EDWARDS
Michael Palin
PRIEST
Graham Chapman
FIRST KNIGHT
Eric Idle
SECOND KNIGHT
Terry Jones
THIRD KNIGHT
Michael Palin
FOURTH KNIGHT
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Jolly showbiz music. A flat goes up, revealing three actors in thin-jeans (which are heavily padded to make you sweat off weight) grouped for an advert. They all have slight Australian accents.)
CAPTION: 'TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS'
Gary: Good evening. This new series of 'Trim-Jeans Theatre Presents' will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T. S. Eliot whilst losing unsightly trouser bulge. Jean.
CAPTION: 'THESE THREE PEOPLE ARE REDUCING THEIR WAIST, THIGHS, HIPS AND ABDOMEN EVEN AS THEY RECOMMEND'
Jean: Wow, yes and the inches stay off. Mark.
Mark: Terrific! Thrill to Thomas a Becket's Kierkegaardian moment of choice while making your physique fighter, firmer, neater.
(Cut to a cathedral interior. There are three priests, four knights and two women, all in trim-jeans. Thomas does not wear one.)
Priest: I am here. No traitor to the King.
First Knight: Absolve all those you have excommunicated.
Second Knight: Resign those powers you have arrogated.
>
Third Knight: Renew the obedience you have violated.
Fourth Knight: Lose inches off your hips, thighs, buttocks and abdomen.
(Cut back to Gary and the others.)
Gary: A terrific product.
All: Terrific.
Gary: And this comes complete with the most revolutionary guarantee in slenderizing history!
(Cut to a man in trim-jeans under a sign saying 'Before'.)
Voice Over: This was Kevin Francis before last season's 'Trim-Jean Play of the Month' production of 'The Seagull' by Anton Chekhov and the Sauna Belt Trim-Jean Company Limited. See Kevin has slipped into his slenderizing garment and is inflating it with the handy little pump provided. Three acts and a few special torso exercises later, Kevin, as Trigorin, the failed writer of sentimental romances, has lost over thirty-three inches. (same shot but very skinny John Hughman has replaced Terry J) Wow. What a difference. That Anton Chekhov can certainly write.
Gary: Terrific.
Mark: Terrific.
Gary: Yes, why not join us for a season of classic plays and rapid slenderizing. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud and Sir Ralph Richardson losing a total of fifteen inches in David Storey's 'Home'.
Mark: Enjoy the 'The Trim Gentlemen of Verona' and 'Long Day's Journey into Night' while inches melt away.
Jean: Enjoy Glenda Jackson with a Constant Snug Fit and Solid Support in all four areas.
Gary: Other productions will include... 'Treasure Island' ... (Long John Silver in trim-jeans) 'Swan Lake' (cut to a photo of two ballet dancers in a 'lift' position, both wean'ng tights and trim-jeans) 'The Life and Loves of Toulouse Lautrec', (cut to a photo of Toulouse Lautrec, his feet sticking out of the bottom of the trim-jeans) and the Trim-Jeans version of 'The Great Escape', with a cast of thousands losing well over fifteen hundred inches.
(Cut to scrubland, barbed wire a la prison camp in the background. After a few seconds a head appears out of a hole in the ground. He looks around then gets out. He is wearing trim-jeans. He looks back. Satisfied he beckons. Others start appearing. Three German guards behind the wire muttering.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'INCHES LOST SO FAR'
(A superimposed counter shows the numbers increasing.)
Guard: Achtungl Hait! Halt!
(A moment's panic. Shooting starts and a siren goes. Men pour out of hole rapidly. Guards pursue them with tracker dogs in trim~jeans. The counter goes berserk.)
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Fish Slapping Dance
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
JOHN CLEESE
MICHAEL PALIN
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The sketch:
(An animated item ends with a sign saying 'And now, the Fish Slapping Dance'.
(Cut to a quayside. John and Michael, dressed in tropical gear. John stands still while Michael dances up and down before him to the jolly music of Edward German. Michael holds two tiny fish and from time to time in the course of the dance he slaps John lightly, across the cheeks with them. The music ends; Michael stops dancing. John produces a huge great fish and swipes Michael with it. Michael falls off the quay into the water.)
(ANIMATION: underwater. We see an animated Michael sinking. He is swallowed by a fish with a swastika on its side.)
Nazi Fish: Welcome aboard, Britisher pig. Quite a little surprise, eh? But perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us au you know about certain allied shipping routes, ja? Come on, talk!
(The Nazi fish is swallowed by a bigger fish with an RAF emblem.)
British Fish: Hello, Fritz. Tables seem to have turned, old chap, let's see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh? Come on, Fritz, now tell us - tell us about...
(The British fish is swallowed by an even bigger Chinese fish.)
Chinese Fish: Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog; very sorry but must inform you, you are now plisoner of People's Republic.
Second Voice: Am very sorry, comrade commando, but have just picked up capitalist ship on ladar scanner.
(The Chinese fish bites the underside of a large ship. Film of big liner sinking in storm. General panic and dramatic music.)
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World War One
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
CAPTAIN
Terry Jones
FIRST OFFICER
John Cleese
SECOND OFFICER
Terry Gilliam
THIRD OFFICER
Eric Idle
FOURTH OFFICER
Graham Chapman
FIFTH OFFICER
Michael Palin
POLICE CHIEF
John Cleese
FIRST GUARD
Terry Gilliam
SECOND GUARD
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
Captain: (over tannoy) This is your captain speaking. There is no need for panic. Woman and children first. I repeat that, women and children first.
(Cut to the ship's bridge. The captain and two or three officers are seen scrambling into ladies' clothing or young children's short trousers and school satchels and caps. The ship pitches and rolls in the gale. The captain is still trying to speak into the PA.)
Captain: Do not rush for the lifeboats - remember, women and children first.
(A first officer is revealed in the comer of the bridge putting a head-dress on a Red Indian outfit.)
First Officer: And Red Indians!
Captain: (putting his hand over the PA) What did you have to get dressed up like that for?
First Officer: It was the only thing left.
Captain: Oh. All right. (into the PA) Women, children and Red Indians...
(Cut to another officer in astronaut's kit.)
Second Officer: And spacemen!
Captain: Here is a revised list. Women, children, Red Indians and spacemen, (hand over PA) what's that meant to be?
(Cut to third officer who is putting finishing touches to a medieval outfit.)
Third Officer: Well it's a sort of impression of what a kind of Renaissance courtier artist might have looked like at the court of one of the great families like the Medicis or the Borgias...
Fourth Officer: No it's not, it's more Hemish than Italian.
Fifth Officer: Yes - that's a Flemish merchant of the fifteenth or sixteenth centuries...
Third Officer: What! With these tassles...
Fourth Officer: Yes, yes. They had those fined doublets going tapering down into the full hose you know - exacdy like that.
Captain: (into the PA) One moment, please, don't panic. (puts his hand over the PA) Now, what is it meant to be? I've got to tell them something. .. is it a Flemish merchant?
Third Officer: No, it is not a Flemish merchant. It's more a sort of idealized version of the complete Renaissance Man...
Captain: Oh, all right.
Fourth Officer: It's not...
Captain: All right! All right! (into the PA) this is your captain speaking... do not rush for the lifeboats ... women, children, Red Indians, spacemen (stock film of long shot of sinking vessel, the voice over fading) and a sort of idealized version of complete Renaissance Men first!
CAPTION: 'A FEW DAYS LATER'
(Cut to a police chief's office in an anonymous South American police state. The chief of police at his desk. From outside we hear footsteps approaching the office and voices.)
Third Officer's Voice: Flemish merchants did not wear hand- embroidered chevrons. They did not!
(The door opens and two guards roughly, push in the captain in drag, another officer half in drag, half in naval uniform, two officers hastily dressed as children, a complete Renaissance Man, a Red Indian and a spaceman. They stand there fir a moment. Then one of the guards pushes his way forward and hands the police chief a piece of paper.)
; Police Chief: Yes, Gomez? (reads) Vee found zero valking on zee beach, my capitain. (the guard nods enthusiasticaly) Gomez, why can't you say this? (the guard mouths something) What? Oh, I see, we can't afford it. (to camera) You see the BBC has to pay an actor twenty guineas if he speaks and it makes a bit of a hole in the budget...
First Guard: Twenty-right guineas, sir! Ooh, sorry.
Police Chief: You fool Gomez - that's twenty-eight guineas ...
Second Guard: What about me, sir?
Police Chief: Are you supposed to speak?
Second Guard: No, sir.
Police Chief: But you've just spoken!
Second Guard: Oh, sorry, sir.
Police Chief: You fool, that's, that's fifty-six guineas before we've even started; (a third guard suddenly rushes up to the window and flashes through it; scream and breaking glass) What did he do that for?
Second Guard: It's i stunt, sir, an extra twenty guineas.
Police Chief: (banging the desk) Look! We can't afford it! The BBC are short of money as it is.
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The BBC is short of money
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
NEWS READER
Eric Idle
MR. KELLY
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Cut to a news reader in a 'News at Nine' set with a bare light bulb hanging in shot. He wears only an old blanket round his shoulders. He is shivering.)