by Monty Python
News reader: The BBC wishes to deny rumours that it is going into liquidation. Mrs Kelly, who owns the flat where they live, has said that they can stay on till the end of the month ... (he is handed a piece of paper) and we've just heard that Huw Weldon's watch has been accepted by the London Electricity Board and transmissions for this evening can be continued as planned. (he coughs and pulls the blanket tighter round his shoulders) That's all from me so... goodnight.
(Knocking on the door.)
Mr Kelly's Voice: Are you going to be in there all night?
News reader: It's just a bulletin, Mr Kelly... and now back to the Story (banging)... All right!
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Puss in Boots
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
PRINCIPAL BOY
Julia Breck
POLICE CHIEF
John Cleese
CAPTAIN
Terry Jones
MRS. KELLY
Micheal Palin
MR. KELLY
Graham Chapman
SECOND GUARD
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Enter a pantomime principal boy holding a stuffed cat. All the rest of the group break back in a well-choreographed panto arrowhead and raise their hands toward her.)
All: It's ... Puss!
Audience: Hello, Puss!
Principal Boy: Hello, children!
Police Chief: Stop! Stop this adaptation of 'Puss-in-Boots'! This is the Police Department of the State of Venezuela!
Principal Boy: Oh no it isn't!
Police Chief: Oh, yes it is!
Principal Boy: (kids joining in voice over) Oh no it isn't!
All: (plus kids) Oh yes it is!
Principal Boy: (plus kids) Oh no it isn't...
Police Chief: Shut up! Shut up! (getting up, holding a pistol; he has no trousers; silence) Now I'm going to ask you some questions, and remember, if you do not give me correct answers, we have ways of making you answer!
Voice From Back: Like not paying twenty-eight guineas.
Police Chief: Shut up! Now, what ship are you from?
Captain: We are from the SS Mother Goose, we were twelve days out from Port of Spain, and I ...
(The door is flung open and the second - trouserless - guard rushes in.)
Second Guard: I got thirty bob for the trousers!
Captain: We are from SS Mother Goose. We were twelve days out from Port of Spain, and one night I was doing my usual rounds, when I had occasion to pass the forward storage lockers...
(Slightly eerie music has crept in under his words and the screen goes into a ripple. It gets right out of focus and continues to ripple as it pulls back into focus. Ripple stops and they are still in the same set as they were.)
Police Chief: Go on!
Captain: Well, I noticed something unusual, the main bilge hatches had been opened... (at this point three men in brown coats come in and start taking pictures off the wall, clearing props and chairs from the set, etc.) and there, crouching amidst the scuppers was the most ghastly creature I'd ever seen in my life. (the flats start to be flown up, revealing behind a sitting room - so that we can see the police office has been built in the Kelly's sitting room) As soon as it saw me, its horrible face split aside in a ghastly look of terror. His head, which was like ...
Scene Shifter: Could you sign this please? (handing the captain a piece of paper) Thank you.
Captain: A small, small rat was ghastly and horrible and befurred... its little red eyes glinted in the unaccustomed glare of the midday sun and before I could shut the hatch, it sprang upon me with one almighty...
(By this time the whole office set has been removed revealing the Kelly's boarding house sitting room. Mr and Mrs Kelly come in through door and put their heads round.)
Mrs Kelly: What's this about doing the 'Horse of the Year Show' in here tonight?
Chief Officer: l'm sorry, Mrs Kelly. We don't know, I'm afraid - this is drama.
Mrs Kelly: Mr Fox told me, before he went down to the pub, that they were doing 'Horse of the Year Show' in here tonight at 9.Io.
Chief of Police: This is BBC 2.
Captain: I think BBC I are in the kitchen.
Mrs Kelly: Well, I'm not having Harvey Smith jumping over my binette.
Mr Kelly: No, come on. (they go)
Captain: ... tearing at my throat, ripping my clothes...
(Mr Kelly puts his head round the door.)
Mr Kelly: And turn the gas off before you leave!
Police Chief: All right!!
(Mr Kelly goes.)
Captain: I fought it with all my strength, but it was too much for me...
(Cut to Mr and Mrs Kelly coming through the hall. We can hear the captain's voice growing faster. Mr and Mrs Kelly go towards the kitchen door and stop and listen. We have lost the captain's voice by now, but · from inside the kitchen we hear 'Horse of the Year Show' sound track.)
Dorian Williams: (voice over) Another clear round for Harvey Smith on 'Orealley'.
Commentator: (voice over on tannoy) And now it's Mrs David Barker riding 'Atalanta' Number 3.
(Crash of breaking pottery, falling pots and pans, horse neighing.)
Mrs Kelly: Right! That's it! (they throw door open and march into the kitchen; a horse plus Pat Hornsby Smith and the commentator and the wreckage of a jump) Come on now, out! All of you - get out of my kitchen, all of you - come on! Harvey Smith, get out of here!
(She chases them out and down the hall.)
Paul Fox: (emerging from another door) It's one of our most popular programmes.
Mrs Kelly: That's what you think, Mr Fox!
(She shooshes them all out down the passage and out of the front door. The newsreader with a blanket over him joins them and tn'es to read off a piece of paper.)
Newsreader: Well, that's all from BBC Television for this evening...
Mrs Kelly: (slamming door on him) Shove off! Go and find yourself another flat! Get out!
(As she slams the door, a piece of paper (obviously a tax return fore) is shoved through the door. It has the credits scribbled hurriedly on it; the camera pans into it. After the credits Mrs Kelly stamps on the paper. Fade out.)
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It's Man Show
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 28
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The cast:
ANNOUNCER
Eric Idle
IT'S MAN
Eric Idle
RINGO STARR
Ringo Starr
LULU
Lulu
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The sketch:
(Showbiz music, cut to a big sign saying 'It's'. Pull out to reveal glossy spangly, opulent showbiz set. Two extraordinary famous guests sitting on sofas)
Announcer's Voice: Tonight from London your special guests are Lulu, Ringo Starr and the man you've all been waiting for - your host for tonight......
(More music. The It's man, tattered and ragged as usual, emerges onto set)
Lulu: Love the outfit dear, it's gorgeous
It's Man Hello, good evening, welcome. It's.......
(The signature tune and opening animated titles start. the It's man, still visible through the titles, tries vainly to stop them. The guests walk off in disgust. The It's man tries to drag them back. Failing, he sits down as the music ends. Fade out)
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The Money Programme
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29, it also performed on their albums 'Monty Python's Previous Record' and 'Lust for Glory'..
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The cast:
PRESENTER
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Begins with pictures of money, bank vaults, gold, etc. overwritten by 'THE MONEY PROGRAMME'. Eric Idle sits at a desk between Michael Palin and John Cleese. He begins quietly but becomes increasingly agitated as he speaks.)
PRESENTER:
Good evening, and welcome to The Money Programme. Tonight on The Money Programme, we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, beautiful wayward curlicued banknotes, filigreed copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbly ( ? ) rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books!
(He looks around in surprised realization that he's panting and screaming.)
I'm sorry.
(adjusts tie, darts eyes around room)
But I love money. All money. (growing excited again) I've always wanted money. To handle! To touch! The smell of the rain-washed florin! The lure of the lira! The glitter and the glory of the guinea! (stands up) The romance of the ruble! (stands on chair) The feel of the franc! (stands on desk) The heel of the deutschmark! (stomps foot) The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc! And the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar! (slaps knee)
(sings the rest while dancing across desk; Michael and John just look at him blandly.)
PRESENTER:
I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.
I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.
I've got lots of lovely lire.
Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
PRESENTER and CHORUS:
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.
Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly.
With money you can make a splash.
PRESENTER:
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.
CHORUS:
...Money, money, money, money.
PRESENTER:
There is nothing like a newly minted pound.
CHORUS:
...Money, money, money, money.
PRESENTER and CHORUS:
Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker.
It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round.
CHORUS:
'Round, 'round, 'round.
PRESENTER:
You can keep your Marxist ways,
For it's only just a phase,
For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round.
CHORUS:
...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!
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Erizabeth L. / Fraud Film Squad
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
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The cast:
MESSENGER
Michael Palin
CLERK
Eric Idle
QUEEN
Graham Chapman
LEICESTER
Eric Idle
JAPANESE DIRECTOR
Terry Jones
INSPECTOR LEOPARD
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Exterior of an Elizabethan palace. Elizabethan music. An Elizabethan messenger on a moped, comes up the drive and drives in through the front door.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ERIZABETH L'
(Cut to a long corridor. The messenger appears riding along the corridor very fast. He leaps off his moped and hands it to a guard at a door. The guard places the moped on a rack and the messenger enters the door going past three trumpeters who play a fanfare. He approaches a clerical figure, who stands at yet another door.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS: 'EPISODE THREE' and 'THE ALMALDA'
Messenger: I bling a dispatch flom Prymouth.
Clerk: Flom Prymouth?
Messenger: Flom Sil Flancis Dlake.
Clerk: Entel and apploach the thlone.
(The doors open. The messenger leaps on another moped and rides up to the throne on which sits Elizabeth surrounded by her courtiers, all of who are on motorized bicycles.)
Queen: What news fiom Prymouth?
Messenger: Dlake has sighted the Spanish Freet, youl Majesty.
Queen: So! Phirip's garreons ale hele. How many?
Messenger: One hundled and thilty-six men of wal.
Leicester: Broody herr.
Queen: Is Dlake plepaled?
Messenger: He has oldeled the whore freet into the Blitish Channer.
Queen: So, we must to Tirbuly. Reicestel! Sil Wartel Lareigh! Groucester! We sharr lide to...
(Enter Japanese director.)
Japanese: Groucestel! Groucestel! Not Groucester. Come on, ret's get this light. Reicestel!
Leicester: Yes.
Japanese: That was telliber.
Leicester: What?
Japanese: Telliber.
Leicester: Oh! Solly.
Japanese: When you have a rine, ling your berr.
Leicester: Ling my berr?
Japanese: (linging his berr for him) Ling ling. Rike this. And cut the broody herr. Elizabeth!
Queen: (cheesed off) Yes?
Japanese: You should be on a bicycer.
Queen: Why?!
Japanese: You rook odd rike that.
Queen: I do not look odd like this - it's that lot that looks odd. It's bleeding weird having half the Tudor nobility ligging around on motorized bicycles.
Japanese: It's vely sullearist.
Queen: Horsefeathers!
LeicesterL: Listen mate. I'm beginning,to have my doubts about you.
Japanese: What do you mean?
Leicester: I'm telling you straight, mate. I don't think you're Luchino Visconti at all.
Japanese: Of course I am. Me vely impoltant Itarian firm dilectol.
Queen: You are a Nip.
Japanese: Lubbish! Me genuine wop. (sings) Alliveldelchi Loma...
Leicester: He's bluffing.
Japanese: (sings) Vo-oorale... Ooh ... Is that the time, I must fry.
( The door opens. lnspector Leopard rum through the door followed by a copper.)
Inspector: Not so fast, Yakomoto. (trumpeters play a fanfare) Shut up! (fanfare stops) Allow me to introduce myself. I am Inspector Leopard of Scotland Yard, Special Fraud Film Director Squad.
Court: Leopard of the Yard!
Inspector: The same. Only more violent. (he demonstrates this by kneeing tht copper in the balls) Right, Slit Eyes Yakomoto, I'm arresting you for the impersonation of Signor Luchino Visconti, famous Italian director of such movie classics as 'Ossessione' (1942), 'La Tetra Trema' (I948), and 'Bellissima' (I95I) - a satisfying ironic slice-of-life drama. I957 brought to the silver screen his 'I Bianche Notre' adapted by Dostoyevsky, a mannered and romantic melancholy of snow and mist and moonlit encounters on canal bridges. 'Boccaccio 70' followed five years later and the following year saw 'The Leopard'! So impressed was I with this motion picture treatment of the Risorgimento that I went along to Somerset House and changed me own name to Leopard, preferring it to me original handle, 'Panther' (Aargh). 1 digress. 1969 saw 'The Damned', a GöStterdämmerung epic of political and industrial shennanigans in good old Nazi Germany, starring Helmut Berger as a stinking transvestite what should have his face sawn off, the curvaceous Charlotte Rampling as a bit of tail, and the impeccable Dirk Bogarde as Von Essen. The association of the latter with Signor Visconti fructified with Dirk's magnificent portrayal of the elderly pour what expires in Venice. And so, Yakomoto... blimey, he gone! Never mind. I'll have you instead
. (grabs the queen)
Queen: What?
Inspector: I haven't got time to go chasing after him, there's violence to be done.
(ANIMATION: sketch about violence.)
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Salavation Fuzz (Dead Bishop)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
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About the Sketch:
This sketch was also known as 'The Church Police'. Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29, it was also performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl' and featured on their albums - 'The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief' and 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (US version). They also performed this sketch live on their album - Monty Python live at City Center'.
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The cast:
WOMAN
Terry Jones
MAN
Eric Idle
SON