Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 75
Interviewer: Well ... let's iust ... take a ... look at this new film...clip.
(Film clip exactly as before. Cut to Thripshaw at a desk evidently in a castle. A knight in amour rushes up to him.)
Thripshaw: Well now, what seems to be the matter?
(Cut to a comer af the set where a man emerges from a barrel.)
Man: The next sketch starts after some silly noises.
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Silly Noises / Sherry-Drinking Vicar
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
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The cast:
VICAR
Michael Palin
KIRKHAM
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Black screen and a collection of really silly noises. Then fade up on a country church. Cut to interior, a vestry. A sign reads 'No Papists'. The door opens and the vicar enters as if from the end of a service. He takes off his cassock and is hanging it up. At one side of the set is a sculpture on a plinth. It is the vicar's head, but with an enormously long nose. Mr Kirkham has followed the vicar in. He is an earnest, quiet, self-effacing soul, with a tortured conscience.)
Vicar: Come in.
Kirkham: I wondered if I could have a word with you for a moment.
Vicar: By all means ... by all means, sir. Do sit down. (they look round for a chair) Ah,. sit on the desk here.
Kirkham: Thank you.
Vicar: Now then, a glass of sherry?
Kirkham: No... no thank you...
Vicar: (getting a bottle from the cupboard) Are you sure? I'm going to have some.
Kirkham: Well, if you're having some, yes then, perhaps, vicar.
Vicar: (slightly taken aback) Oh... well there's only just enough for me.
Kirkham: Well in that case I won't, don't worry.
Vicar: You see, if I split what's left, there'd be hardly any left for me at all.
Kirkham: Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.
Vicar: Good! So, I can have it all ... now then what's the problem?
Kirkham: Well, just recently I've begun to worry about...
(The vicar has been looking through his desk. He produces a bottle of sherry in triumph.)
Vicar: Ah! I've found another bottle! You can have some now if you want to.
Kirkham: Well... yes, perhaps a little...
Vicar: Oh you don't have to. I can drink the whole bottle.
Kirkham: Well in that case, no...
Vicar: Good! That's another bottle for me. Do go on.
(The vicar opens the bottle and pours himself a glass. As soon as he has drunk it he replenishes it again.)
Kirkham:' I've begun to worry recently that...
(There is a knock on the door.)
Vicar: Come in!
(A smooth man, Mr Husband, enters carrying a smart little briefcase.)
Vicar: Ah, Mr Husband ... this is Mr Kirkham, one of my parishioners, this is Mr Husband of the British Sherry Corporation...
Kirkham: Look, look, perhaps I'd better come back later...
Vicar: No, no ... no do stay here. Have a sherry... you won't be long will you, Husband?
Husband: Oh no, vicar... it's just a question of signing a few forms.
(The vicar pours Husband a sherry)
Vicar: There we are... there we are, Mr Husband. Now, how about you, Mr Kirkham?
Kirkham: Well only if there's enough.
Vicar: Oh well, there's not much now.
Kirkham: Oh, in that case... no... I won't bother.
Vicar: (pouring himself one) Good. Right... now, then, what is the problem, Husband?
Husband: Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000 gallons.
Vicar: And how many glasses is that?
Husband: That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar.
Vicar: That's excellent, Husband, excellent.
Husband: Yes... it means you can still keep your main sherry supply on the roof, but you can have an emergency supply underneath the vestry of 5,000 gallons.
Vicar: Yes... and I could have dry sherry on the roof and Amontillado in the underground tank!
Husband: Absolutely.
(The vicar signs a form that Husband hands to him.)
Vicar: Excellent work, Husband, excellent work.
Husband: Not at all, vicar, you're one of our best customers... you and the United States. Well goodbye. (he leaves)
Vicar: Terrific. Now then, Mr Kirkham (pouring himself another sherry) I am so sorry... do go on.
Kirkham: Well, it's just that recently I've begun to worry about...
Vicar: Well, look...
Kirkham: I sometimes ask myself- does the Bible intend...
(A group of Spanish singers in full national costutor and guitars bursts into tht Vestry, noisily singing a song praising Amontillado. A man in an extravagant Spanish costume rushes in. His hat has a sign on it saying: 'Sherry, the drink of champion'. Two girls come in bearing maracas and Carmen Miranda style hats. Mr Kirkham looks fed up. The Spaniards finish their song, noisily.)
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'Boxing Tonight' - Jack Bodell vs. Sir Kenneth Clark
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 37
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SIR KENNETH
Graham Chapman
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
'IT'S' MAN
Michael
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The sketch:
(A floodlit boxing ring. Sports programme music.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'BOXING TONIGHT'
Voice Over: 'Boxing Tonight' comes from the Empire Pool, Wembley and features the main heavyweight bout between Jack Bodell, British and Empire Heavyweight Champion. (cheers; shot of Bodell in his comer with two seconds) And Sir Kenneth Clark ... (shot of Clark's corner; he is in a dressing-gown with 'Sir Kenneth Clark' on the back; both take off their'dressing-gowns as referee calls them together; Sir Kenneth is wearing a tweed suit underneath) It's the first time these two have met so there should be some real action tonight...
(The bell goes. Crowd noise. Sir Kenneth wanders around as in 'Civilization '.)
Sir Kenneth: This then is the height of the English Renaissance, the triumph of Classical over Gothic ... the ...
(Bodell swing a left and knocks Sir Kenneth down.)
Voice Over: He's down! Sir Kenneth Clark is down in eight seconds. But he's up again. He's up at six...
Sir Kenneth: The almost ordered facades of Palladio's villas reflects the...
(Boddell knocks him down again.)
Voice Over: And he's down again, and I don't think he's going to get up this time. (referee counts Sir Kenneth Clark out and holds up BodeIl hand) No, so Jack Bodell has defeated Sir Kenneth Clark in the very first round here tonight and so this big Lincolnshire heavyweight becomes the new Oxford Professor of Fine Art.
(Zoom in to the ring. The announcer appears in DJ and takes a mike lowered on a wire.)
Announcer: Thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And now...
(Cut to a corner of the ring. The nude organist at his organ, plays a chord, turns and grins. Cut to the opposite corner; the 'lt's' man on his stool.)
It's Man: It's...
(Animated introduction to show)
(Continue)
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Dennis Moore / Lupins
From 'Monty Python's Previous Record'
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared on their album - 'Monty Python's Previous Record', it was also shown in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17. It was also preformed on their album 'Lust for Glory'.
When it was performed on 'Monty Python's previous re
cord only the first 3 lines were heard. Later on the album under the title 'Dennis Moore continues the rest of the sketch was heard up to where it shows 'TV version continues'.
* * *
The cast:
DENNIS MOORE
John Cleese
SQUIRE
Terry Jones
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
COACHMAN
Grahan Chapman
PARSON
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
England, 1747
(Sounds of a coach and horses, galloping)
Moore: Stand and deliver!
Coachman: Not on your life (SHOT) ... aagh!
(Girl screams)
Moore: Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over there? Well, the one furthest away on the right... (fade)
(Fade up again)
Moore: What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um...
Girl: Serrated?
Moore: Serrated edges.
Parson: A willow!
Moore: Yes.
Parson: That's nothing like a willow.
Moore: Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point.
Parson: Never a willow.
Moore: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.
Squire: Lupins?
Moore: Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.
Parson: What do you mean, lupins?
Moore: Don't try to play for time.
Parson: I'm not, but... the flower lupin?
Moore: Yes, that's right.
Squire: Well we haven't got any lupins.
Girl: Honestly.
Moore: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express.
Squire: Damn!
Girl: Oh, here you are.
Moore: In a bunch, in a bunch!
Squire: Sorry.
Moore: Come on, Concorde! (Gallops off)
Chorus (sings): Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward,
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, and his horse Concorde.
He steals from the rich, he gives to the poor,
Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore.
TV Version coninues
Moore: Here we are, I'll be back.
(Moore wheels round and rides off.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE END'
(Pull back to reveal 'The End' is on TV in the house of Mrs. Trepidatious.)
NB: Dennis Moore appears again in Episode 37. He appears in 'Dennis Moore Rides Again', in The 'Off-Licence' , and finally the 'Prejudice'
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What the Stars Foretell
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 37
* * *
The cast:
MRS. O
Eric Idle
MRS. TREPIDATIOUS
Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Pull back to to see the inside of the house of Mrs Trepidatious. Another old ratbag enters and sits opposite her.)
Mrs O: Morning, Mrs Trepidatious.
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, I don't know what's good about it, my right arm's hanging off something awful.
Mrs O: Oh, you want to have that seen to.
Mrs Trepidatious: What, by that Dr Morrison? He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils.
Mrs O: What do the stars say?
Mrs Trepidatious: Well, Petula Clark says burst them early, but David Frost...
Mrs O: No, the stars in the paper, you cloth-eared heap of anteater's catarrh, the zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates, the astrological portents, the omens, the genethliac prognostications, the mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances, the ffatidica! premonitory uttering of the mantalogical omens - what do the bleeding stars in the paper predict, forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticate...
(A big sheet is lowered with the words on.)
Voice Over: And this is where you at home can join in.
Mrs O: ... forebode, bode, augur, spell, foretoken, (the audience joins in) presage, portend, foreshow, foreshadow, forerun, herald, point to, betoken, indicate!
Mrs Trepidatious: I don't know.
(The sheet is raised again.)
Mrs O: What are you?
Mrs Trepidatious: I'm Nesbitt.
Mrs O: There's not a zodiacal sign called Nesbitt...
Mrs Trepidatious: All right, Derry and Toms.
Mrs O: (surveying paper) Aquarius, Scorpio, Virgo, Derry and Toms. April 29th to March 22nd. Even dates only.
Mrs Trepidatious: Well what does it presage?
Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizard like in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.
Mrs Trepidatious: It's very good about the spectacles.
Mrs O: It's amazing.
Mrs Trepidatious: Mm ... what's yours, Irene?
Mrs O: Basil.
Mrs Trepidatious: I'm sorry, what's yours, Basil?
Mrs O: No. That's my star sign, Basil...
Mrs Trepidatious: There isn't a...
Mrs O: Yes there is ... Aquarius, Sagittarius, Derry and Toms, Basil. June 21st to June 22nd.
Mrs Trepidatious: Well, what does it say?
Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and tail ...
Mrs Trepidatious: That's exactly the same!
Mrs O: Try number one ... what's Aquarius?
Mrs Trepidatious: It's a zodiacal sign.
Mrs O: I know that, what does it say in the paper Mrs Flan-and-pickle?
Mrs Trepidatious: All right... Oh! It says, 'a wonderful day ahead'. You will be surrounded by family and friends. Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by Mike Samrues singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you.
Mrs O: Urghhl What's Scorpio?
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, that's very good. 'You will have lunch with a schoolfriend of Duane Eddy's, who will insist on whistling some of Duane's greatest instrumental hits. In the afternoon you will die, you will be buried...'
(A doctor is lowered on a wire. The sketch continues into the 'Doctor' Sketch)
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Doctor
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 37
* * *
The cast:
DOCTOR
Terry Jones
MRS. O
Eric Idle
MRS. TREPIDATIOUS
Graham Chapman
SECOND DOCTOR
Graham Chapman
THIRD DOCTOR
Michael Palin
HENSON
; Terry Gilliam
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch is a continuation from 'What the Stars Foretell')
Doctor: Good morning.
Mrs O: Oh, morning, doctor.
Doctor: How's the old arm this morning, Mrs Ikon?
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, it's still hanging off at the shoulder.
Doctor: Good, well lees have a look at it, shall we? (he tries unsuccessfully to open his bag) Oh damn, damn, damn, damn... damn this wretched bag... oh the wretched, damn, bloody, little bag. It's the one thing I hate about being a doctor - it's this wretched bloody little bag!
(He smashes a chair over it and finally produces a revolver and shoots the lock off. It opens and is stuffed full of pound notes, Some of which spill out. He feels inside... eventually pulls out a stethoscope.)
Doctor: What's that doing here? (he throws it away)
(Cut to another doctor walking along a street. The stethoscope flies out of window and lands on him.)
Second Doctor: (brushing it off) Eurgggh!
(Cut back to the first doctor still rummaging in black bag. Eventually, he produces a pair of black kid gloves and a black handkerchief. He folds it and puts it on and points the gun at Mrs Trepidatious.)
Doctor: Hand over the money. (she goes to a sideboard opens the bottom drawer and gets out a money box which she gives to him) Come on, all of it! (she look scared; he jabs the gun at her; she goes over to a painting of a wall-safe on the wall and pushes it aside to reveal an identical wall-safe underneath. She opens it and a hand comes out holding a money box; she takes and gives it to the donor) Yes, that seems to be OK. Right! I'll just test your reflexes! (he opens his mac like a flasher; they scream and jump) Right, now then, everything seems to be OK, I'll see you next week. Keep collecting the pensions, and try not to spend too much on food. (he starts to go up)