by Monty Python
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE RATINGS GAME'
Continuity Voice: Edie Phillips-Bong plays Kevin Vole, the programme planner with a problem and his comic attempts to pass the time. Week six sees the return of 'Up The Palace'... (stock film of the investiture of the Prince of Wales)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UP THE PALACE'
Continuity Voice: ... the zany exploits of a wacky Queen, and that's followed by 'Limestone, Dear Limestone'... (long shot of a cliff with two people high up on it)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LIMESTONE DEAR LIMESTONE'
Continuity Voice: ... the wacky days of the late Pleistocene era when much of Britain's rock strata was being formed. All this and less on 'Comedy Ahoy'. But now, BBC Television is closing down for the night. Don't forget to switch off your sets. Goodnight.
(We see the little dot as of a TV set bring switched off.)
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Thames TV Introduction
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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The sketch:
Begin with Thames Television logo and fanfare. Cut to David Hamilton in their presentation studios.
David Hamilton (David Hamilton)
Good evening. We've got an action-packed evening for you tonight on Thames, but right now here's a rotten old BBC programme.
Cut to the Nude Man at the organ.
Announcer (John)
(in a field of daffodils) And now ...
It's Man (Michael)
It's ...
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The Oscar Wilde Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39, it was also featured on their albums - 'The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief' and 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (UK version).
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The cast:
PRINCE
Terry Jones
OSCAR WILDE
Graham Chapman
WHISTLER
John Cleese
SHAW
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
Zoom in to overlay showing some stock film of hansom cabs galloping past. Suitably classy music starts.
CAPTION: LONDON 1895
CAPTION:
THE RESIDENCE OF
MR. OSCAR WILDE
Mix through to Wilde's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed folk are engaged in typically brilliant conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking champagne.
Prince: My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole of London's talking about you.
Oscar: There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
There follows fifteen seconds of restrained and sycophantic laughter.
Prince: Very, very witty ... very, very witty.
Whistler: There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
Fifteen more seconds of the same.
Oscar: I wish I had said that.
Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will. (more laughter)
Oscar: Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
Prince: Yes, we've played squash together.
Oscar: There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself. (silence) I wish I hadn't said that.
Whistler: You did, Oscar, you did. (a little laughter)
Prince: You really must forgive me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the Palace.
Oscar: Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.
Prince: I beg your pardon?
Oscar: Um ... It was one of Whistler's.
Whistler: I never said that.
Oscar: You did, James, you did.
The Prince of Wales stares expectantly at Whistler.
Whistler: ... Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more. (laughter) Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
Prince: What?
Whistler: It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.
Oscar: It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
Shaw: I ... I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.
Prince: (accepting the compliment) Oh.
Oscar: (to Whistler) Right. Right? (to Prince) Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.
Whistler: Before you arrive -- before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
Prince: What?
Oscar: and Whistler One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
Shaw: You bastards. Um ... what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant ...
Oscar: We've got him, Jim.
Whistler: Come on, Shaw-y.
Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.
Shaw: I merely meant ...
Oscar: Come on, Shaw-y.
Whistler: Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.
Oscar Come on, Shaw-y.
Shaw: (blows a raspberry)
The Prince shakes Shaw's hand. Laughter all round.
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Charwoman
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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The sketch:
A society function; general sound of polite conversation.
Lady (?)
Very amusing, Lord Kimble, but would you excuse me a moment? I want to powder my nose. (She walks away and into the rest room)
Grossly exaggerated lavatorial noises
Lady
(emerging from rest room) Ah, that's better!
Back to the other people at the do. Suddenly Charwoman swings in on a rope, Tarzan-like, and grabs one of the gentlemen. She is massively built and naked except for pink stockings and knickers.
Gentleman (?)
It's Charwoman!
3-d comic-book style title says: CHARWOMAN. Cut to Charwoman swinging back and forth on her rope between two lines of buildings.
Voice Over (Terry G.)
Yes, Charwoman! Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism, polishing off all who dare stand in her way, and cleaning up all in the publishing game. All this and more as once again Charwoman takes to the skies.
Charwoman faces the camera, beating her chest with alternate fists like King Kong. Then she hits both breasts at the same time and they explode.
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David Niven's Fridge
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode ?
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The sketch:
Back to Dickie Attenborough at the awards ceremony. He now has bunches of onions slung around his neck.
Dickie (Eric)
Ladies and gentlemen, seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next award gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill the British Film Industry would be today. I refer of course to my friend and colleague, Mr David Niven. (vast applause. Dickie applies tears to his face from a dropper) Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight, but he has sent his fridge. (applause; `Around the World in Eighty Days' music; the fridge is pushed down by the men in brown coats, and a microphone is positioned in front of it. The fridge also has a black tie on.) This is the fridge in which David keeps most of his milk, butter and eggs. What a typically selfless gesture, that he should send this fridge, of all of his fridges, to be with us tonight.
Fridge (?)
<
br /> (the same silly voice) The nominations for the Best Foreign Film Director are: Monsieur Richard Attenborough, Ricardo de Attenbergie, Rik Artenburg, Ri Char Dat En Bollo, and Pier Paolo Pasolini.
Dickie
Before we hear the joint winner, let's see the one that came sixth. Let us see Pier Paolo Pasolini's latest film.
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Pasolini's 'The Third Test Match'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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The sketch:
Close up of grass on cricket pitch. In the background we hear birdsong. A cricket ball rolls into shot and a hand reaches down and picks it up. Shot of one end of cricket pitch; batsman, umpire, bowler and a fielder in the foreground.
CAPTION: Pasolini's The Third Test Match
Close up on the bowler as he turns to look at his field. Cut to a skeleton on the boundary in tattered remains of cricket gear. Sounds of mocking laughter. Cut to the bowler in close up turning into the direction of the laughter. Shot of the batsman at his crease, but behind him the wicket keeper and first slip are monks in brown cowls. They are laughing at him.
Cut back to the bowler's horrified eyes, then back to the cricketers/monks, then to his eyes again. Cut to same shot of the batsman only now the wicket keeper and first slip are cricketers again.
Cut back to the bowler, who starts to rub the ball on his trousers. Music comes in. Close up bowler's face starting to sweat. Close up ball rubbing on trousers. Close up face sweating.
Cut to a girl spectator who smiles and moves her shoulders invitingly. Cut back to ball rubbing. Cut to his sweating face. Cut to girl; cut to face; cut to trousers; cut to girl; cut to trousers; cut to girl licking her lips.
Cut back to bowler as he starts his run in slow motion. Cut to batsman who is naked except for footwear, pads and cap. Close up of bowler running. He runs over a couple making love in the nude. Mounting music. Cut back to the bowler, as he releases ball.
Cut to the ball smashing into stumps, shot from three different angles. The music crescendos as the bowler turns, and appeals to the umpire. Silence. Three quick, successively closer shots of the umpire.
The umpire turns into a cardinal who produces a cross and holds it up like a dismissal sign, laughing mockingly.
Cut to a vociferous group of cricketers in a TV studio. They are all in pads and white flannels. Above them is a sign saying `BACKCHAT'. They are on staggered rostra as in `Talk-back'. Facing them is Pier Paolo Pasolini.
First Cricketer (Graham)
Aye, I mean there's lots of people making love, but there's no mention of Geoff Boycott's average.
Pasolini (John)
(Italian accent) Who is-a Geoff Boycott?
CAPTION: Pier Paolo Pasolini
Second Cricketer (Michael)
And in t'film, we get Fred Titmus...
Pasolini
Si, Titmus, si, si ...
CAPTION: Yorkshire
Second Cricketer
... the symbol of man's regeneration through radical Marxism ... fair enough ... but, but we never once get a chance to see him turn his off-breaks on that Brisbane sticky.
Third Character (Eric)
Aye, and what were all that dancing through Ray Illingworth's innings? Forty-seven not out and the bird comes up and feeds him some grapes!
General cricketorial condemnation. We pull back to show that it is on a television set in an ordinary sitting room.
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New Brain from Curry's
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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The sketch:
Two pepperpots are watching the television. They are both called Mrs Zambesi.
First Zambesi (Graham)
What's on the other side?
The second Mrs Zambesi gets up and switches channels.
Dickie Attenborough (Eric)
(unseen, on the television) Nobody could be prouder than...
Second Zambesi (Terry J.)
Ugh! (she switches the set off)
First Zambesi
Um, shall we go down and give blood?
Second Zambesi
Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping round my neck.
First Zambesi
They don't do it like that! They take it from your arm!
Second Zambesi
I can't give it. I caught swamp fever in the Tropics.
First Zambesi
You've never even been to the Tropics. You've never been south of Sidcup.
Second Zambesi
You can catch it off lampposts.
First Zambesi
Catch what?
Second Zambesi
I don't know, I'm all confused.
First Zambesi
You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. You're a loony. You might even need a new brain.
Second Zambesi
Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain.
First Zambesi
Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains.
Second Zambesi
How much are they?
First Zambesi
(picking up a catalogue) I don't know. I'll have a look in the catalogue. Here we are. (she thumbs through it) Battery lights, dynamo lights, rear lights, brains -- here we are...
Second Zambesi
I'm still confused.
First Zambesi
Oh, there's a nice one here, thirteen-and-six, it's one of Curry's own brains.
CAPTION: Old sketch written before decimalisation
Second Zambesi
That one looks nice, what's that?
First Zambesi
That's a mudguard!
Second Zambesi
It's only eight bob.
First Zambesi
Aw, I think it's worth the extra five bob for the brain. I'll give them a ring. (she goes to the phone and dials one number) Hello, Curry's? I'd like to try one of your thirteen-and-sixpenny brains please. Yes... yes... yes, ye... um... (looks at her shoe) five-and-a-half... yes... thank you. (replaces phone) They're sending someone round. (there is a knock at the door)
Second Zambesi
Oh, that was quick. Come in.
A man puts his head round the door. He is wearing a hat with a label attached, and speaks in a nasal voice.
Man (John)
Er, hello Mr and Mrs and Mrs Zambesi?
First Zambesi
Yes, that's right. Are you the man from Curry's?
Man
No, I've just come to say that he's on his way. Would you sign this please.
He hands a bare leg severed from the knee downwards round the door.
First Zambesi
Oh, certainly. (she goes across to the man)
Man
Thank you very much.
First Zambesi
(she takes the pen from him but drops it) Ooh! (she picks it up and signs the leg)
Man
Thank you. Sorry to bother you.
First Zambesi
Thank you.
Man
Thank you.
First Zambesi
Thank you.
The man goes. A knock at the door and he reappears.
Man
Um, he's just coming now.
First Zambesi
Thank you.
Another knock at the door
Second Zambesi
Come in!
Man
Here he is.
The door opens and a dummy salesman is flung in, carrying a briefcase. He flops down on to the floor. The door shuts. The two pepperpots lean over and look at him for some time.
First Zambesi
Hello ... hello ...
Second Zambesi
(picking up the dummy) That's not a proper salesman. (she thro
ws it down) I'm not buying one from him, he doesn't give you confidence.
First Zambesi
He doesn't give me any confidence at all -- he's obviously a dummy. I'll ring Curry's. (she just picks up the phone without dialling this time) Hello, Curry's -- that salesman you sent round is obviously a dummy... Oh, thank you very much. (she puts the phone down) They're sending round a real one. (a knock on the door)
Second Zambesi
Come in.
Salesman (Michael)
Good morning -- Mr and Mrs and Mrs Zambesi?
Second Zambesi
Yes, that's right.
First Zambesi
Yes, that's right ... (out of the side of the mouth in a man's voice) Yes that's right.
Salesman
(to dummy) All right, Rutherford, I'll take over.
He opens a box and produces a device about the size of a small teapot with various gadgets and wires on it.