by Monty Python
Second Zambesi
Oh, that's nice.
Salesman
Yes, we sell a lot of these. Right, shall we try a fitting?
Second Zambesi
Oh, do I have to have an operation?
He starts to put it on her head.
Salesman
No, madam, you just strap it on.
Second Zambesi
Doesn't it go inside my head?
Salesman
Not the Roadster, madam, no. You're thinking of the Brainette Major.
Second Zambesi
How much is that?
Salesman
Forty-for-and-six.
CAPTION: 44/6d = £2.22½p
Second Zambesi
Oh no, it's not worth it.
Salesman
Not with the Curry's surgery we use, no, madam. (he gets out some tools) Now then. The best bet is the Bertrand Russell Super Silver. That's a real beauty -- 250 quid plus hospital treatment.
First Zambesi
Oooh, that's a lot.
Salesman
It's colour. Right. (he begins to twiddle a few knobs; lights flash on occasionally as he does this) One, two, three, testing, testing.
Second Zambesi
Mince pie for me, please.
First Zambesi
What did she say that for?
Salesman
Quiet please. It's not adjusted yet. (he makes more adjustments)
Second Zambesi
Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride. I've been a Tory all my life, my life, my life. Good morning Mr Presley. How well you look, you look very well ... our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour ... well, well well porridge ... well, well, well, well, hello, hello dear ... hello dear!
Salesman
Right, one, two, three ... (the salesman adjusts a switch)
Second Zambesi
... eight, seven, (he adjusts another switch) four.
First Zambesi
Oh, she never knew that before.
Salesman
Quiet please. Mrs Zambesi, who wrote the theory of relativity?
First Zambesi
I know! I know.
Salesman
Quiet, please! (he adjusts a tuning control)
Second Zambesi
Einstane ... Einstone ... Einsteen ... Einston ... Einstin ... Einsten ... Einstein.
Salesman
Good.
Second Zambesi
Noël Einstein.
Salesman
Right. That'll be 13/6d please.
First Zambesi
(paying him with invisible money) That's marvellous.
Salesman
She can take it off at night, unless she wants to read, of course. And don't ask her too many questions because it will get hot. If you do have any trouble here is my card. (he reaches in his case and hands her the dismembered part of an arm) Give us a ring -- give us a ring, and either myself, or Mr Rutherford, (he picks the dummy up and drags it towards the door) will come and see you. Goodbye.
First Zambesi
Thank you very much.
As soon as the door is shut, the man's head pops round.
Man
Er, He's gone now.
He withdraws head and shuts the door.
First Zambesi
(tentatively) Er, shall we, er, go down and give blood?
Second Zambesi
(with slightly glazed eyes) Yes, please Mr Roosevelt, but try and keep the noise to a minimum.
First Zambesi
I'll go and get your coat for you.
Second Zambesi
I'm quite warm in this stick of celery, thank you, Senator Muskie.
The pepperpots appear out of their gate and walk down the street. We follow them closely.
Second Zambesi
(to neighbour) Stapling machine, Mr Clarke.
First Zambesi
(explaining) New brain.
Second Zambesi
Stapling machine, Mrs Worral.
Into shot comes a pepperpot with identical brain strapped to head, who is washing her hedge with a scrubbing brush.
Mrs Worral (?)
Stapling machine, Mrs Zambesi.
They walk on passing a bus stop at which a penguin is standing reading a paper. One or two unexploded Scotsmen lie on the ground at various places.
First Zambesi
Are you sure that's working all right?
Second Zambesi
Yes, thank you dear. It's marvellous. I think we can win one or two of the early primaries, we could split the urban Republican vote wide open.
First Zambesi
Well, here we are then.
They go into a door marked `Blood Donors'.
Second Zambesi
Well being President of the United States is something that I shall have to think about.
Continued in Blood Donor
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Blood Donor
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show -Series three, Episode 39
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The sketch:
Continued from New Brain from Curry's
They walk through and out of shot. A hospital lobby. A line of people are being ushered through. A sign says 'Blood Donors' with an arrow in the direction they're all going. Mr Samson is in a white coat.
Samson
Blood donors that way, please.
Donor
Oh thank you very much (joins the line).
Samson
Thank you. (Grimshaw comes up to him and whispers in his ear, Samson looks at him, slightly surprised) What? (Grimshaw whispers again) No. No, I'm sorry but no. (Grimshaw whispers again) No, you may not give urine instead of blood. (Grimshaw whispers again) No, well, I don't care if you want to. (Grimshaw whispers again) No. There is no such thing as a urine bank.
Grimshaw
Please.
Samson
No. We have no call for it. We've quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.
Grimshaw
Just a specimen.
Samson
No, we don't want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.
Grimshaw
I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...
Samson
What?
Grimshaw
A thing to do some urine in.
Samson
No, no, just go away please.
Grimshaw
Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.
Samson
Fine, well you don't have to, you see, just go away.
Grimshaw
Can I give you some spit?
Samson
No.
Grimshaw
Sweat?
Samson
No.
Grimshaw
Earwax?
Samson
No, look, this is a blood bank - all we want is blood.
Grimshaw
All right, I'll give you some blood.
He holds out a jar full of blood.
Samson
Where did you get that?
Grimshaw
Today. It's today's.
Samson
What group is it?
Grimshaw
What groups are there?
Samson
There's A...
Grimshaw
It's A.
Samson
(sniffing the blood)
Wait a moment. It's mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?
Grimshaw
I found it.
Samson
You found it? You stole it out of my body, didn't you?
Grimshaw
No.
Samson
No wonder I'm feeling off-colour. (he starts to drink the blood; Grimshaw grabs the bottle) Give that back.
Grimshaw
It's mine.
Samson
It is
not yours. You stole it.
Grimshaw
Never.
Samson
Give it back to me.
Grimshaw
All right. But only if I can give urine.
Samson
...Get in the queue.
Continued in International Wife Swapping
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International Wife-Swapping
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to John Rickman type person with hat which he raises. There are white rails behind him which might be a racecourse.
Rickman (Michael)
Good afternoon and welcome to Wife-Swapping from Redcar. And the big news this morning that the British boy Boris Rogers has succeeded in swapping his nine-stone Welsh-born wife for a Ford Popular and a complete set of Dickens. Well now, I can see they're ready at the start and so let's go over now for the start of the 3.30.
Cut to high shot of a street with about 10 houses on each side.
Rickman
And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.
CAPTION:
No. 12 Betty Parkinson 7/4 on fav
No. 27 Mrs E. Colyer 9/4
No. 14 Mrs Casey 4/1
5/1 bar
Voice Over (Eric)
Number 12 Betty Parkinson 7 to 4 on favourite, number 27 Mrs Colyer 9 to 4, 5 to 1 bar those.
Rickman
And here's the starter Mrs Alec Marsh, (she climbs onto a rostrum and fires a gun) and they're off.
One of the doors opens and a lady rushes across the street into another house. Other doors start opening up and down the street, with ladies criss-crossing out of each other's houses. About twenty seconds of this high activity.
Rickman
And Mrs Rogers is the first to show, there she goes into Mr Johnson's, and Mrs Johnson across to Mr Colyer, followed closely by Mrs Casey on the inside. Mrs Parkinson, number 12, going well there into Mr Webster's from the Co-op, Mrs Colyer's making ground fast after a poor start, she's out of Mr Casey's into Mr Parkinson's, she's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs Johnson who's still not out of Mr Casey's. Mrs Penguin and at number 8 Mrs Colyer -- these two now at the head of the field from Mrs Brown, Mrs Atkins, Mrs Parkinson, Mrs Warner and Mrs Rudd -- all still at Mr Philips's. Mrs Penguin making the running now, challenged strongly by Mrs Casey, Mrs Casey coming very fast on the inside, it's going to be Mrs Casey coming from behind. Now she's making a break on the outside, Mrs Penguin running ... and at the line, it's Mrs Casey who's got it by a short head from Mrs Penguin in second place, Mrs Parkinson in third, Mrs Rudd, Mrs Colyer, Mrs Warner and there's Mrs Griffiths who's remained unwrapped.
One lady is left in the middle of the road. Cut back to Rickman at the course railing.
Rickman
Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now the man who owned and trained the winner, Mrs Casey -- Mr Casey. Well done, Jack.
Mr Casey (Terry J.)
Thank you, John.
Rickman
Well, were you at all surprised about this, Jack?
Mr Casey
No, not really, no she's been going very well in training, and at Doncaster last week, and I fancy her very strongly for the Cheltenham weekend.
Rickman
Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack. We must leave you now because it's time for the team event.
Peter West type figure in a white DJ standing with five ladies in ball gowns and two gentlemen.
CAPTION: Come Wife-Swapping -- North West v the South East
Peter (Eric)
Hello, and a very warm welcome from the Tower ballroom suite at Reading, where there's very little in it, they're neck and neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle, brick and bucket, horse and tooth, cap and thigh, arse over tip, they're absolutely birds of a feather, there's not a new pin in it, you couldn't get a melon between them. Well, now, everything rests on the formation event and here comes the North West with the Mambo. Maestro, take it away, please.
Cut to two lines of ballroom dancers, ladies opposite gentlemen, sixteen altogether. The ladies are in nasty tulle, the gents in tails, with numbers on their backs. Mambo music starts its intro. At the back of the hall a large banner says `Mecca Wife-Swapping'. The men bow and the ladies curtsey; each pair joins hands and they wait for a few bars. Then the two teams start grabbing each other and wrestling on the ground. A vast orgy breaks out as they roll all over the floor. Cut quickly to Frank Bough in the `Grandstand' studio.
Frank Bough (Michael)
And now it's time for Rugby League, and highlights of this afternoon's game between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers.
Cut to a field where mud-caked rugby league players, one team in hooped shirts and the other in red, are getting ready for a scrum.
CAPTION: Keighley 2 Hull K.R. 23
Eddie Waring (Eric)
(voice over) Well, good afternoon and as you can see, Hull Kingston Rovers are well in the lead, it's a scrum down on the twenty-five for Keighley, Tom Colyer with the put-in, Mrs Colyer to be put.
The scrum has formed up, the scrum half has a dummy woman, small and light but real looking, tucked under his arm, while he steadies the scrum. He puts her into the scrum, and after a lot of kicking she is eventually heeled out.
Eddie Waring
And there goes his wife into the scrum. And Hull have got the heel against the head. Doing nicely with this scrum, some very good picking here. Warrington's picked her up, is he going to let her go, Wrigley's with him, grand lad is this.
Mrs Colyer is picked up by the scrum half who makes a run with her. Handing off a strong tackle and dodging with her, he side steps and slips Mrs Colyer to a back who makes a run through and touches her down between the posts. They leave the lady dumped down between the posts and run to congratulate and hug each other.
Eddie Waring
Well, that was right on the whistle, Rovers walkin' it there, winnin' easily by twenty-six points to two.
Cut to Frank Bough again in the `Grandstand' set.
Frank Bough
Just a reminder that on `Match of the Day' tonight you can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games: Mrs Robinson v Manchester United and Southampton v Mr Rogers, a rather unusual game that. And here's a late result... Coventry nil, Mr Johnson's Una three -- Coventry going down at home, there. Just a little reminder that the next sport you can see on BBC1 will be 9.20 on Wednesday night, when `Wife Swapping with Coleman' comes live from my place. Till then, goodnight.
Link to next sketch...in TV Series
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Credits of the Year
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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The sketch:
Credits roll over four screens of naughty bedroom activity to the 'Grandstand' signature tune.
CAPTION:
Grandstand
a BBC inside broadcast
conceived written and performed by
Michael Palin and Mrs. Cleese
Eric Idle and Mrs. Palin
John Cleese and Mrs. Jones
Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones and Mrs. Idle
Graham Chapman and Mr. Sherlock
also appearing
Carol Cleveland and Mr. and Mrs and Mrs. Zambesi
Caron Gardner and Mrs A.
make-up by Miss Gaffney and Mr. Last
costumes Hazel Pethig and Mr. Clarke
graphics by Bob Blagden and `Naughty' Rosy
animations by
Terry Gilliam
Rabbi Colquhoun
film cameraman Alan Featherstone and Miss Weston
film editor Mr. Ray Millichope and his Orchestra
sound Richard Chubb and Mrs. Lighting
lighting Bill Bailey and Mr. Sound
choreography by Jean Clarke and an unna
med man in Esher
designed by Chris Thompson and Mrs. Armstrong-Jones
produced by Ian MacNaughton and `Dickie'
a BBC TV and Mrs. Thames production
© BBC 1972
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Back to the 'Light Entertainment Awards'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 39
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The sketch:
Pull out from screen to see that this is the screen in the awards set and Dickie is working a stirrup pump which pumps tears out from the side of his head via rather obvious tubes.
Dickie (Eric)
There they go, the credits of the year. Credits that you and the Society voted as the credits that brought the most credit to the Society. Sadly, the man who designed them cannot be with us tonight, as he is at home asleep, but we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news.