by Monty Python
Assistant: Well it is one of our cheapest, sir.
Chris: What else have you got?
Assistant: Well, there's the long slow pull-out, sir, you know, the camera tracks back and back and mixes...
(As he speaks we pull out and mix through to the exterior of the store. Mix through to even wider zoom ending up in aerial view of London. It stops abruptly and we cut back to Chris.)
Chris: No, have you got anything more exciting?
Assistant: How about a chase?
(The manager and the toupee assistants suddenly, appear at a door.)
Manager: There he is!
(Exciting chase music. They pursue Chris out of the hall and into another part of the store. Then cut back to Chris at counter.)
Chris: Oh, no, no, no.
Assistant: Walking into the sunset?
Chris: What's that one?
(Dramatic sunset shot on a beach. We can just see the back of Chris and the assistant as they walk together towards the setting sun. The assistant is gesturing and describing it.)
Assistant: You know ... two lone figures silhouetted against the dying rays of the setting sun. The music swells, you've got a lump in your throat and a tear in your eye...
(Cut back to the store.)
Chris: Oh no.
Assistant: Oh, pity, I rather like that one...
Chris: They're all a bit off the point, you see.
Assistant: Well there is one that ties up the whole Michael Ellis thing, but....
Chris: But what... ?
Assistant: Oh, no, nothing, nothing...
Chris: Look, who is this Michael Ellis?
Assistant: How about a happy ending, sir?
(A girl rushes up to Chris and flings her arms around him.)
Girl: Oh Chris! Thank God you're safe.
Assistant: No, you wouldn't want that, would you.
(This time we see the girl has disappeared.)
Chris: Why wouldn't I want that?
Assistant: What about summing up from the panel? That's cheap. You know - the big match experts.
(Panel in typical football panel set. Malcolm Allison, Brian Clough, and huge still of Jimmy Hill on set behind.)
Malcolm Allison: Yes. It was quite a good show. I think that the Michael Ellis character was a little overdone.
Brian Clough: Well, I don't agree with that, Malcolm, quite frankly the only bit I liked was this bit with me in it now.
(Cut back to the store.)
Assistant: No? Slow fade?
(The picture begins to fade.)
Chris: Nnnn... no.
( The picture comes up again.)
Assistant: Well, how about a sudden ending?
(Blackout.)
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'Up your Pavement'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
* * *
The sketch:
A high street. Musical theme played on a banjo à la `Steptoe and Son' opening. Cut to a tracking shot of two tramps walking jauntily along. They are very arch, over-the-top jolly fellows. They nod at the occasional passer-by and do mock bows to a city gent.
CAPTION: Up Your Pavement
CAPTION: By the Rev. and Mrs A. G. Phipps
CAPTION: From an idea by Lord Carrington
They come to a litter bin, root in it, and one of them produces a newspaper. He hands it to the other, looks in again and brings out a pork pie. He looks in again, his eyes light up, and he produces a bottle of champagne. He passes it to his mate. He looks in again and finds two highly polished glasses. Meanwhile over all this and as they set off down the road together we hear:
Voice Over (Michael)
Taking life as it comes, sharing the good things and the bad things, finding laughter and fun wherever they go -- it is with these two happy-go-lucky rogues that our story begins. (by this time the tramps have walked out of shot; cut to a shot of a sports car up on the pavement with the legs of the two tramps sticking out from underneath; the music turns more urgent and transatlantic) For it is they who were run over by Alex Diamond ... (appropriate music; a James Bond character climbs out of the car and looks down at the dead tramps) international crime fighter ... (shot of him rushing into a film première past photographers with flashing bulbs) and playboy ... (cut to him on yacht) fast-moving ... tough-talking ... (still of him with Henry Kissenger; cut to him striding down a street) and just one of the many hundreds of famous people who suffer from lumbago, the epidemic disease about which no one knows more than this man ... (we see him go into a doorway; cut to a low angle close up of Dr Koning donning gloves prior to the operation; the music changes to the Kildare theme) Dr Emile Koning ... doctor ... surgeon ... proctologist ... and selfless fighter against human suffering, whose doorbell (cut to a doorbell and pan down) was the one above the hero of our story tonight ... (pan down to find the doorbell and name) Rear-Admiral Humphrey De Vere! (the door opens and the rear-admiral comes striding out; naval music; he walks up the road) Yes! This is the story of Rear-Admiral Humphrey De Vere ... or rather, the story of his daughter ... (cut to a still of a young inspired and devoted nurse; the music instantly changes to the heroic) For it was her courage, foresight and understanding that enabled us to probe beneath the sophisticated veneer of ... (mix to impressive college grounds) the Royal Arsenal Women's College, Bagshot ... (zoom in across lawns towards the college building) and learn the true story of this man ... (the camera suddenly veers off away from college and homes in on a solitary bush from which appears a seedy fellow in a terrible lightweight suit of several years ago that has got all stained and creased around the crutch) Len Hanky! Chiropodist, voyeur, hen-teaser. The man of whom the chairman of Fiat once said...
Chairman (Eric)
Che cosa è lo succiacatori do polli?
CAPTION: What is a hen-teaser?
The phone rings. He answers it dynamically and we zoom in on his tense, alert, executive face.
Voice Over
Yes! Tonight we examine the career of Gino Agnelli! The man who started from nothing to build up one of the greatest firms in Europe. (mix through to stock film of a big car-producing plant) And whose telescope was bought from the shop part-owned by a man who, at the age of eight, stole a penknife from the son of this man's brother's housekeeper's dental hygienist's uncle. (as each of these things is mentioned we see a momentary flash of a still of each) The Reverend Charlie `Drooper' Hyper-Squawk Smith (at this point the freeze frame starts moving as the chaplain lifts himself out of the cockpit and jumps down beside his Spitfire) the cleft-palated RAF chaplain, who single-handed shot down over five hundred German chaplains. (smiling cheerfully he crosses off another emblem of a vicar in a German helmet on the side of the plane. Beside this is written ``Here we come Kraut'' Luke 17, verse 3) This is the story of the men who flew with him ... it really is!
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* * *
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RAF Banter
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
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The sketch:
A squadron leader, just off on a mission, runs past, and dashes into a Nissen hut
CAPTION: Somewhere in England, 1944
The squadron leader enters an RAF officers' mess and takes off his helmet
Bovril (Terry J.)
Morning, squadron leader.
Squadron Leader (Eric)
What-ho, Squiffy.
Bovril
How was it?
Squadron Leader
Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.
Bovril
Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader.
Squadron Leader
It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy. Bally Jerry ... pranged
his kite right in the how's yer father ... hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.
Bovril
No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today. Give us it slower.
Squadron Leader
Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Squiffy.
Bovril
Hold on, then. (shouts) Wingco!
Wingco (Graham)
Yes!
Bovril
Bend an ear to the squadron leader's banter for a sec, would you?
Wingco
Can do.
Bovril
Jolly good.
Wingco
Fire away.
Squadron Leader
(draws a deep breath and looks slightly uncertain, then starts even more deliberately then before) Bally Jerry ... pranged his kite ... right in the how's your father ... hairy blighter ... dicky-birdied ... ... feathered back on his Sammy ... took a waspy ... flipped over on his Betty Harper's ... and caught his can in the Bertie.
Wingco
... No, don't understand that banter at all.
Squadron Leader
Something up with my banter, chaps?
A siren goes. The door bursts open and an out-of-breath young pilot rushes in in his flying gear.
Pilot (Michael)
Bunch of monkeys on your ceiling, sir! Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered.
General incomprehension. They look at each other
Wingco
Do you understand that?
Squadron Leader
No, didn't get a word of it.
Wingco
Sorry old man, we don't understand your banter.
Pilot
You know ... bally ten-penny ones dropping in the custard ... (searching for the words) um ... Charlie Choppers chucking a handful ...
Wingco
No, no ... sorry.
Bovril
Say it a bit slower, old chap.
Pilot
Slower banter, sir?
Wingco
Ra-ther!
Pilot
Um ... sausage squad up the blue end!
Squadron Leader
No, still don't get it.
Pilot
Um ... cabbage crates coming over the briny?
Squadron Leader
No.
Wingco, Pilot and Bovril
No, no ...
Stock film of a German bombing raid.
Voice Over (Michael)
But by then it was too late. The first cabbage crates hit London by July 7th. That was just the beginning...
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* * *
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Trivializing the War
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to a Whitehall war office conference room. A general is on the phone. Four other generals sit there.
General (Graham)
Five shillings a dozen? That's ordinary cabbages, is it? And what about the bombs? Good Lord, they are expensive!
A corporal rushes in.
Corporal (Eric)
Sir!
General
Yes, what is it?
Corporal
News from the Western Front, sir.
General
Yes ... ?
Corporal
Big enemy attack at dawn, sir ...
General
Yes ... ?
Corporal
Well, the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir ... and ... they had fairy wands with big stars on the end ... and ...
General
They what ... ?
Corporal
.. and ... they had spiders in matchboxes, sir.
General
(in disbelief) Good God! How did our chaps react?
Corporal
Well, they were jolly interested, sir. Some of them ... I think it was the 4th Armoured Brigade, sir, they ... well, they went and had a look at the spiders, sir.
General
Oh my God! All right, thank you, Shirley.
A girl emerges from under the table. She is a blonde WAAF.
Corporal
Sir!
General
(to a sergeant) Get me the Prime Minister. (the sergeant opens the door, Churchill stands outside) Not that quickly! (the sergeant shuts the door) Gentlemen, it's now quite apparent that the enemy are not only fighting this war on the cheap, but they're also not taking it seriously.
Ageing General (Terry G.)
Bastards ...
General
First they drop cabbages instead of decent bombs ...
Corporal
The crates were probably quite expensive, sir.
General
Quiet, critic! And now they're doing very silly things in one of the most vital areas of the war!
Ageing General
What are we going to do, Shirley?
General
Well, we've got to act fast before it saps morale. We're going to show these Chinese ...
Captain (?)
Germans, sir.
General
These Germans ... we're going to show them that no British soldier will descend to their level. Anyone found trivialising this war will face the supreme penalty that military law can provide. (he holds a heroic pose; there is a pause during we expect to cut; we don't; suddenly he breaks out of the pose into informality) That was all right, I think?
Captain
(getting out drinks) Seemed to go quite well.
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Courtmartial (Basinstoke in Westphalia) /
'Anything Goes In' (song)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to a courtroom in the 1940s. A court martial is in progress. An elderly general presides, with two others on either side of him. There is a defence counsel, a prosecutor, a clerk of court, and two men guarding the prisoner.
Presiding General (Terry J.)
Sappr Walters, you stand before this court accused of carrying out the war by other than warlike means -- to wit, that you did on April 16th, 1942, dress up as a bag of dainties, flick wet towels at the enemy during an important offensive ...
Walters (Eric)
Well, sir ...
Presiding General
Shut up! Colonel Fawcett for the prosecution ...
Fawcett (Michael)
Sir, we all know ...
Presiding General
Shut up!
Fawcett
I'm sorry?
Presiding General
Carry on.
Fawcett
Sir, we all know the facts of this case; that Sapper Walters, being in possession of expensive military equipment, to wit one Lee Enfield .303 rifle and 72 round of ammunition, valued at a hundred and forty pounds three shillings and sixpence, chose instead to use wet towels to take an enemy command post in the area of Basingstoke ...
Presiding General
Basingstoke? Basingstoke in Hampshire?
Fawcett
No, no, no, sir, no.
Presiding General
I see, carry on.
Fawcett
The result of his action was that the enemy ...
Presiding General
Basingstoke where?
Fawcett
Basingstoke Westphalia, sir.
Presiding General
Oh I see. Carry on.
Fawcett
The result of Sapper Walters's action was that the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers and in some cases small red strawberry marks upon their thighs ...
Presiding General
I didn't know the
re was a Basingstoke in Westphalia.
Fawcett
(slightly irritated) It's on the map, sir.
Presiding General
What map?
Fawcett
(more irritably) The map of Westphalia as used by the army, sir.
Presiding General
Well, I've certainly never heard of Basingstoke in Westphalia.
Fawcett
(patiently) It's a municipal borough sir, twenty-seven miles north north east of Southhampton. Its chief manufactures ...
Presiding General
What ... Southhampton in Westphalia?
Fawcett
Yes sir ... bricks ... clothing. Nearby are remains of Basing House, burned down by Cromwell's cavalry in 1645 ...
Presiding General
Who compiled this map?
Fawcett
Cole Porter, sir.
Presiding General
(incredulously) Cole Porter ... who wrote `Kiss Me Kate'?