Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 89
Ow! Mind me war wound!
Chief Executive, First Planner, Second Planner and Third Planner
That's it! Very good title!
On the screen we see the court martial in progress as we saw it earlier in the show, with the whole court singing.
Everyone (?)
Anything goes in. Anything goes out!
Fish, bananas, old pyjamas,
Mutton, beef and trout!
Anything goes in. Anything goes out! etc.
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Woody and Tinny Words
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
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The sketch:
Exterior, a large, tasteful, Georgian rich person's house with extensive gardens beautifully tended, croquet hoops on the lawn -- all in superb taste, nothing vulgar. The sun shines tastefully. The atmosphere is calm. Birds sing. Sound of lawnmowers and cricket in the distance. Laughter from the tennis court. Sound of gardener sharpening spades in the potting shed. Out of vision, a Red Indian struggles to free himself from the rope bonds that bind him. We hear `Where does a dream begin' being played on a cracked record.
CAPTION:
1942
Egypt crossed out
Ecuador crossed out
Ethiopia crossed out
England
The caption fades and we cut to an upper-class drawing room. Father, mother and daughter having tea. Four motionless servants stand behind them.
Father (Graham)
I say ...
Daughter (Carol)
Yes, daddy?
Father
Croquet hoops look damn pretty this afternoon.
Daughter
Frightfully damn pretty.
Mother (Eric)
They're coming along awfully well this year.
Father
Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia's croquet hoops.
Daughter
Ugh! -- dreadful tin things.
Mother
I did tell her to stick to wood.
Father
Yes, you can't beat wood ... Gorn!
Mother
What's gorn dear?
Father
Nothing, nothing, I just like the word. It gives me confidence. Gorn ... gorn. It's got a sort of woody quality about it. Gorn. Gorn. Much better than `newspaper' or `litterbin'.
Daughter
Frightful words.
Mother
Perfectly dreadful.
Father
Ugh! Newspaper! ... litterbin ... dreadful tinny sort of words. Tin, tin, tin.
The daughter bursts into tears.
Mother
Oh, dear, don't say `tin' to Rebecca, you know how it upsets her.
Father
(to the daughter) Sorry old horse.
Mother
Sausage!
Father
Sausage ... there's a good woody sort of word, `sausage' ... gorn.
Daughter
Antelope.
Father
Where? On the lawn? (he picks up a rifle)
Daughter
No, no, daddy ... just the word.
Father
Don't want an antelope nibbling the hoops.
Daughter
No, antelope ... sort of nice and woody type of thing.
Mother
Don't think so, Becky old chap.
Father
No, no, `antelope', `antelope' -- tinny sort of word (the daughter bursts into tears) Oh! Sorry old man ...
Mother
Really, Mansfield.
Father
Well, she's got to come to terms with these things ... seemly ... prodding ... vacuum ... leap ...
Daughter
(miserably) Hate leap.
Mother
Perfectly dreadful.
Daughter
Sort of PVC-y sort of word, don't you know.
Mother
Lower-middle.
Father
Bound!
Mother
Now you're talking.
Father
Bound ... Vole ... Recidivist.
Mother
Bit tinny. (the daughter howls) Oh! Sorry, Becky old beast. (the daughter runs out crying)
Father
Oh dear, suppose she'll be gorn for a few days now.
Mother
Caribou!
Father
Splendid word.
Mother
No dear ... nibbling the hoops.
Father
(he fires a shot) Caribou gorn.
Mother
(laughs politely)
Father
Intercourse.
Mother
Later, dear.
Father
No, no, the word, `intercourse' -- good and woody ... inter ... course ... pert ... pert thighs ... botty, botty, botty ... (the mother leaves the room) ... erogenous ... zone ... concubine ... erogenous zone! Loose woman ... erogenous zone ... (the mother returns and throws a bucket of water over him) Oh thank you, dear ... you know, it's a funny thing, dear ... all the naughty words sound woody.
Mother
Really, dear? ... How about tit?
Father
Oh dear, I hadn't thought about that. Tit. Tit. Oh, that's very tinny isn't it? (the daughter returns) Ugh! Tinny, tinny ... (the daughter runs out crying) Oh dear ... ocelot ... wasp ... yowling ... Oh dear, I'm bored ... I'd better go and have a bath, I suppose.
Mother
Oh really, must you dear? You've had nine today.
Father
All right, I'll sack one of the servants ... Simkins! ... nasty tinny sort of name. Simkins! (he exits)
A pilot from the RAF banter scene enters.
Pilot (Michael)
I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.
Mother
(frowns and shakes her head) Sorry dear, don't understand.
Pilot
Er ... cowcatchers creeping up on the conning towers ...
Mother
No ... sorry ... old sport.
Pilot
Caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.
Mother
Yes, Mansfield shot one in the antlers.
Pilot
Oh, jolly good show. Is 'Becca about?
Mother
No, she's gorn off.
Pilot
What a super woody sort of phrase. `Gorn orff'.
Mother
Yes, she's gorn orff because Mansfield said `tin' to her.
Pilot
Oh, what rotten luck ... oh well ... whole afternoon to kill ... better have a bath I suppose.
Mother
Oh, Gervaise do sing me a song ...
Pilot
Oh, OK.
Mother
Something woody.
The pilot launches into a quite enormously loud rendering of `She's going to marry Yum Yum'. The impact of this on the mother causes her to have a heart attack. She dies and the song ends.
Pilot
For ... she's going to marry Yum Yum ... oh crikey. The old song finished her orff.
Father
(entering) What's urp?
Pilot
I'm afraid Mrs Vermin Jones appears to have passed orn.
Father
Dead, is she?
Pilot
'Fraid so.
Father
What a blow for her.
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Show Jumping (muscial) /
Newsflash (Germans)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to the scene on a TV screen and pull out from the TV to Mrs Mock Tudor and Mrs Elizabeth III in their sitting room watching it.
Mrs Mock Tu
dor (Graham)
What I want to know Mrs Elizabeth III, is why they give us crap like that, when there's bits of the Leicester by-pass what have never been shown. Biskwit?
Mrs Elizabeth III (Terry J.)
(takes biskwit from plate) Oh, thank yew ...
Mrs Mock Tudor switches her TV switch. The Arab boy winces in great pain and moves over to the set. He changes channels. Up comes a picture of the motorway again. Roller caption superimposed over the motorway. Appropriate `Crossroads' type theme music.
Voice Over (Eric)
(reading the roller caption) Appearing on the M2 were 4,281 Vauxhall Vivas, 2,117 Vauxhall Vivas de luxe, 153 Vauxhall Vivas with ...
Mrs Elizabeth III throws the switch and the Arab boy winces with real pain and turns the knob of the television set which changes channels. On the TV set we see the same two ladies watching their set as before with the tramps on it. They continue watching until the two ladies on the set speak.
Mrs Mock Tudor
(on the TV set) Bloody repeats.
Mrs Mock Tudor
(not on the TV set) Bloody repeats.
As before she switches switch. The Arab boy winces in pain and changes channels.
Mrs Elizabeth III
(on the TV set) Yes, repeats or war films ... makes you want to ...
She throws the switch. The Arab boy winces in pain and turns over. The White City as for show-jumping. Close up of a mounted female rider waiting to start. Voice over of Dorian Williams.
Dorian Williams (Eric)
Hello and welcome to Show-Jumping from White City ...
Mrs Mock Tudor
Oh, moto-cross!
Dorian Williams
... and it's Anneli Drummond-Hay on Mr Softee just about to go into jump-off against the clock. The short pause is for the stewards who are repairing the Sound of Music. (cut to shot of stewards who are organizing eight nuns, Von Trapp in Tyrolean gear, Julie Andrews, and the six Von Trapp children into a group forming a fence; cut back to Anneli) ... Captain Phillips on `Streuth' just caught one of the nuns at the very start of what would have been a fine clear round. It's a formidable obstacle this Sound of Music -- eight nuns high but they're ready now, and singing. (the group start singing `The Hills are Alive'; the bell goes for the start of the round and the lady rider sets off towards the group) And there's the bell. She's got 1.07 seconds to beat, but she needs a clear round to win. As she comes towards the Sound of Music and ...
Cut away to the two ladies watching their TV. Shot from an angle so we can't see the screen.
Mrs Elizabeth III
Quite exciting.
Cut back to White City to see the lady rider has just cleared the obstacle. A cheer from the crowd. The music changes to `Oklahoma'. Follow her round to see a similar group dressed as for `Oklahoma'. Ten hayseeds and six wenches with a hay wagon. Most have primitive pitch forks and are sucking on straws.
Dorian Williams
... beautifully taken, and now she needs to pick up speed for Oklahoma, but not too much. This is where Alan Jones knocked down poor Judd, but ... And ... she's taken it superbly!
Mrs Mock Tudor
You notice how we never actually see the horses jump.
Cheer from TV. Cut back to White City. The horse is coming away from Oklahoma. Cut to run up to Black and White Minstrels.
Mrs Mock Tudor
Wait for it ...
Cur back to White City.
Dorian Williams
And! She's taken it ... (cheer; we actually see the lady jumper jump over the chorus of minstrels) She's over the Minstrels. She just flicked Leslie Crowther with her tail, but the time's good, and now she turns before coming into the final jump ... this is a tough one ... It's Ben-Hur -- forty-six chariots ... 6,000 spectators ... 400 slaves, lion-handlers, the Emperor Nero and the entire Coliseum. 198 feet high. 400 years across!
The lady jumper is now coming right towards the camera. Cut back to the ladies watching.
Mrs Mock Tudor
I bet we don't see this one.
Cut back to horse actually jumping towards the camera. Cut to newsreader Peter Woods in a news studio.
Peter Woods (Peter Woods)
We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash. The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage. The morning on the Ardennes Front, the Germans started spooning at dawn, but the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep in their eyes, and the Germans are reported to have gone 'all coy'.
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'When Does A Dream Begin?' (song)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 42
* * *
The sketch:
Music comes in underneath: 'When does a dream begin'. Mix to a young airman on an airfield gazing into a WAAF's eyes. Black and white, soft focus and scratched film to look like a not very good print of a 40s film. Airman sings.
Airman (Neil Innes)
When does a dream begin?
Does it start with a goodnight kiss?
Is it conceived or simply achieved
When does a dream begin?
Is it born in a moment of bliss?
Or is it begun when two hearts are one
When does a dream exist?
The vision of you appears somehow
Impossible to resist
But I'm not imagining seeing you
For who could have dreamed of this?
When does a dream begin?
When reality is dismissed?
Or does it commence when we lose all pretence
When does a dream begin?
(Mix sound to end of signature tune. Halfway through the song the credits roll superimposed. They read;)
Monty Python (social class 9)
was performed by
Graham Chapman
Terry Gilliam
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
Michael Palin (social class 2, Arsenal 0)
Conceived and written by
Graham Chapman
John Cleese
Terry Gilliam
Eric Idle
Neil Innes
Terry Jones
Michael Palin (social class Derry and Toms)
Also appearing
Carol Cleveland
Bob R. Raymond
Marion Mould (social class 47 actors)
`When Does a Dream Begin' by Neil Innes (social class 137 musicians)
Variations on the theme by Bill McGuffie (social class 137a other musicians)
Make-up
Maggie Weston (social class 5 till midnight)
Costumes
Andrew Rose (social class 35 28 34)
Film Cameraman
Stan Speel (social class f8 at 25th sec.)
Sound Recordist
Ron Blight (social class unrecordable)
Film Editor
Bob Dearberg (social class Lower 6th) (Mr Potter's)
Sound
Mike Jones (social class slightly above the Queen)
Lighting
Jimmy Purdie (social class a bottle of Bell's)
Visual Effects
John Horton (social class ant)
Production Assistant
Brian Jones (social but no class)
Designer
Robert Berk (no social class at all)
Produced by
Ian MacNaughton (social class 238-470 Scotsman)
BBC Colour (by permission of Sir K. Joseph)
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Bogus psychiatrists
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 43
* * *
The sketch:
Tragic music in background.
CAPTION: Hamlet
CAPTION: By William Shakespeare
CAPTION: Act One
Quick cut to a close shot of a big American car skidding round a corner
. Music. Montage of close ups of tyres, foot on accelerator shots, etc. with a deafening sound track. The car skids to a halt at the side of the curb. Pull out to reveal it is in a smart Harley Street type location. The door opens and out gets a man in black leotard, with make-up and a small crown -- Hamlet, in fact. He goes into a doorway, presses the doorbell and waits. Cut to modern psychiatrist's office. Hamlet is lying on the couch.
Hamlet (Terry J.)
It's just that everywhere I go it's the same old thing. All anyone wants me to say is `To be or not to be ...'
Psychiatrist (Graham)
`... that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous ...'
Hamlet
(quickly) Yes, it's either that, or `Oh that this too solid flesh would melt ...'
Psychiatrist
(taking over) `... would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. Or that the everlasting had not fixed his canon 'gainst self slaughter ...'
Hamlet
Yes. All that sort of thing. And I'm just getting really fed up.
Psychiatrist