Caught Inside

by Mandi Greenwood

  Cate turned up just then. 'Hey,' she chirped. 'Where's Chandra, Ais? He wasn't in…'

  'Humanities!' Aisley tossed her long chestnut hair back defiantly. 'Yeah! I know, right? Well, guess what? I do not know where he is. The wind is up and the waves are huge. Hey, I reckon he might have gone… surfing! How's that for a wild guess?'

  The others cracked up and Cate slung an arm around her shoulders.

  'Oh Ais,' she laughed. 'I love you, you funny thing!'

  'Humph.' Aisley was not amused, and to be quite honest, she was pissed off with Chandra. She didn't think he did this sort of thing anymore, either.

  He was waiting for her at the final bell.

  She walked out with Cate and Archie and she saw him immediately, standing on the corner with his hands deep in his pockets. He was watching her.

  She marched straight up to him. 'Isn't it bad enough to be ditching?' she scolded. 'You want to get spotted by a teacher as well? Are you trying to break your own personal best or something?'

  Chandra didn't say anything. He looked awful, pale and shaking, and all of a sudden, Aisley's heart was in her throat. Something was very wrong. She pulled both of his hands from his pockets and grabbed them, feeling the scratchy plasters on his palms against her fingers. He said he wasn't going to surf until his hands were healed, she remembered. He hasn't been surfing today. Oh god…

  'What's wrong?' She was almost too afraid to ask.

  Cate and Archie arrived and Archie punched Chandra lightly on the arm. 'What's up?' he asked. 'You look like crap.'

  'It's not your mum, is it?' Aisley guessed wildly. 'Or your dad? Has something happened to Aasha?' He was shaking his head, swallowing hard. 'Chandra, you're scaring me!' she wailed. 'What's happened?'

  'I've been with Stewart all day,' he whispered, his voice so quiet they all had to lean in to hear. 'He's a mess.'

  To Aisley's further distress, he suddenly started to cry. He leaned his face against her neck and sobbed, his arms locked around her so tight she could scarcely draw breath. She exchanged a horrified look with Cate and Archie as she held him, feeling his shoulders shake.

  'What …' Cate began.

  'Just give him a moment,' Archie muttered, his voice cracking on the last word.

  Finally, Chandra could speak again. 'It's Willa,' he managed.

  Like a hideous revelation, Aisley knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it and she couldn't bear to hear it. 'No…' she moaned. 'No. Please. Don't tell me…'

  'What…' Cate began again, confused.

  'She killed herself,' said Chandra, his voice low and unsteady.

  The world abruptly pulled away and Aisley found herself listening and watching from a distant place where every sound was muffled. Everything was slow and difficult to comprehend, like in a dream when you can't move fast enough no matter how hard you try.

  She watched Cate collapse on the footpath in a storm of tears. Archie followed her, on his knees with his face buried in her hair. People, stopping to see what was wrong and discovering the reason for their distress. All of them shocked and some starting to cry. Everybody knew Willa Fry.

  Aisley watched as Freya ran towards them and it seemed Freya was moving in slow motion, her blonde curls bouncing. She couldn't know yet, surely, but it was plain from the look on her face that she'd somehow guessed.

  'I should…um…' Aisley mumbled. She forgot what she was going to say and looked indecisively across the road. A car passed. She couldn't hear it, but she could clearly see the swirls in the paintwork as the afternoon sun bounced off it. She frowned and reached out her fingers to touch the panels.

  She stumbled off the kerb and someone jerked her back before another car could run her down. It was Chandra, carrying her in his arms, away from the crowded footpath and the busy road. He carried her across the green front lawn of the secondary school. Did he say Willa died? He must've made some awful mistake. You don't die from a broken leg.

  'We're not allowed on this grass,' she heard her voice say. She felt like she was talking from the bottom of a deep hole. She blinked slowly at Chandra's face. His cheeks were wet. He was still crying. She touched his skin and her fingers came away damp.

  He sank down onto the lawn and gathered her into his lap. She came rushing back from the faraway place and reality crashed in on her. Willa was dead, and Aisley started to cry.

  Then Cate and Archie were with them too. Lucan, with slow tears falling down his white face and Freya huddled against him. The six of them hid in each other's arms as they tried to absorb this hideous news. The grief was monstrous, hitting them like a giant wave, and every time they almost regained their footing, the next huge wave would knock them under again.

  And again.

  Already There

  'When I gave Willa two guinea pigs for her tenth birthday,' said the man who was Willa's Uncle Tom. 'My brother Jeff was so mad with me. "She's already got a menagerie, Tom," he said. "Don't make it worse!" But I didn't listen to him, of course. I gave Willa quite a few pets over the years. She had enough affection for a thousand animals and two little guinea pigs deserved their fair share.' He spread his hands and smiled gently. 'Why should they miss out, I asked my brother.'

  In the front row, Willa's father hung his head and Willa's mother put her arm across his shoulders. Willa's two sisters, Rosie and Bec, crowded against their mum on her other side.

  'She named them Cup and Cake,' Uncle Tom said. 'That was Willa for you.' He looked across the tops of everyone's heads, buying time, controlling his emotions admirably. 'I loved my niece and I wish I could've given her what she really needed, as well as guinea pigs, but I didn't see it and I'll never forgive myself for that. If she has those thousand pets where she is now, I envy them. Because they have her, and we don't.'

  Aisley couldn't stop trembling. She sat two rows behind Willa's parents and listened to Uncle Tom's eulogy for his niece. Chandra was sitting on one side of her and he had his arm around her shoulders. Cate sat on her other side, her face buried in Archie's shoulder as she tried to subdue her sobs. Freya and Lucan sat close together at the end of the row. Directly in front of Aisley was Stewart, with his family. Stewart was staring at the floor in front of him.

  When Aisley looked around, it seemed every face was familiar. Just about every student from their year was there with their families. She could see lots of teachers from school. Her own parents were sitting right behind her and every so often one or the other would lean forward and squeeze her shoulder reassuringly. She knew Ela and Ravi were sitting beside Shay and Grant, and the parents of Freya, Lucan, Cate, and Archie…so many people.

  Oh Willa, she thought. If only you knew just how much you're loved and how much you'd be missed, would it have changed your mind?

  She knew Willa had overdosed. She didn't want to know that at all, but somehow she did because that macabre sort of knowledge has a way of getting around, especially in a small town.

  The last few days had been a blur of grief and sadness punctuated by talks with Mr Du Pont, the school counsellor. He told Aisley what she already knew. That Willa was suffering from anxiety and severe depression when she died and probably had been for some time, bluffing her way through each day until it all got too much.

  'It's my fault,' Aisley had sobbed and Mr Du Pont put his box of tissues in her lap.

  'The personal guilt you're carrying is a completely reasonable way to feel,' he'd told her. 'You're not alone. We're all feeling guilty.'

  'But why didn't I say something?' Aisley shredded a tissue violently. 'I knew something was wrong.'

  The regret because she was certain she'd not done enough to prevent Willa's dying was overwhelming. That she hadn't spoken up for fear of being told she was making a big deal out of nothing … that she was over-reacting … those reasons seemed so silly now.

  'It's okay to feel like that,' Mr Du Pont had reassured her. 'It's normal.'

  Normal. There was that little word again. Aisley remembered Willa as
king her, 'What's normal?' and she gave an involuntary shiver. Chandra rubbed his hand up and down her arm.

  Uncle Tom had finished speaking and he stepped down from the dais and went to sit with his wife. Willa's mother and father had spoken before him, expressing their grief and profound loss in simple, dignified words that had the whole gathering in tears.

  Now it was Stewart's turn. He stood and walked to the front of the chapel, briefly gripping Willa's mother's outstretched hand as he passed by. He climbed the two steps onto the dais and faced the large crowd.

  'Willa was my girlfriend,' he said. 'She kept trying not to be but … um, I kept coming back.' He smiled a bit and so did everyone else. 'I never used to understand why I did that but now I get it. I kept coming back because deep down I knew she needed me. I just didn't know how to tell her…that she didn't have to ask…' He paused, his lips trembling. He cleared his throat. 'She didn't have to ask because I was already there, you see.'

  He looked across the congregation. 'I just wish I'd figured out how to tell her I was there for her before it was too late. I wish…' He stopped speaking and gripped the sides of the podium. The colour had drained from his face, making his freckles stand out across his nose and cheeks.

  Aisley let the tears fall down her cheeks. She heard Cate sniffle beside her and in the row in front, Stewart's parents moved closer together.

  'People keep saying it's okay for me to feel like this,' Stewart said. 'They tell me time makes it easier. I'll come to terms with it ... I'll accept it and move on.' He looked around at all the faces staring back at him. 'But it's not enough because I wish I could've done something real. Something that made a difference. If only I'd taken the time to understand what she was going through...' He swallowed. 'She was funny and sweet and kind. She was beautiful, inside and out, and I loved her.'

  Aisley put her hand across her mouth to keep the grief she was feeling for Stewart trapped inside, and in the row in front of her Stewart's mum started to cry softly.

  'She was alone and scared.' Stewart spread his hands in a gesture Aisley found pitiful. 'I let her down and I'm sorry. We all cared and if only she'd leaned on us, she'd still be here and we could help her get better. And that is a fact.' He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. 'So, as a tribute to her, I'm going to make sure I lean on my friends. They're going to help me get through this.'

  He stopped and stared directly at Chandra. Then he let his gaze wash across Aisley and Archie, and the others. 'Right, guys?'

  Chandra smiled and Archie nodded. Aisley managed to nod as well.

  'Also, I've decided I'm going to be a teacher,' Stewart looked around. 'I'm going to give my time to kids. And if I ever see the signs … because I know them now … then I can give someone the tools that Willa didn't know how to ask for. I can help them before it's too late. I can be there for them through the dark days so they can come out into the sunshine again. Because they can beat this thing. They really can. It should never end like this.'

  He stopped speaking and stepped down from the dais. Dry-eyed, he walked back to his seat and as he sat down, Chandra leaned forward and put his hand on his shoulder. Stewart didn't turn around, but he gripped Chandra's hand tightly.

  It was dusk on the day of Willa's funeral.

  Aisley stood in the shallows on Cariad Lili Bay Beach and watched analytically as her bare feet sank deeper into the wet sand each time a wavelet rushed in. Soon she would be buried up to her ankles and then she'd be stuck. Eventually the tide would come in and it would get harder to break free. The water would rise over her head and then she'd drown.

  A suffocating feeling of dread enveloped her at the thought and she let it, because this is how Willa must have felt. Only one hundred times worse. So bad that it was preferable to die rather than to keep fighting it.

  Perhaps Willa had been holding a metaphorical rope that had pulled her into a deep, dark hole and she'd drowned in there. If only she'd let go of the rope instead.

  Aisley sighed. She couldn't cry anymore. She was all dried up. She pulled her feet free with ridiculous ease and looked back up the beach. There were three groups of people sitting on the sand, separated from each other by short distances.

  The first group was quite large and included fourteen people. These were her own parents, and the parents of Chandra, Cate, Archie, Lucan, Freya, and Stewart. Grant Brannon had spread some rugs for everyone to sit on, and they were sharing several bottles from his wine collection while they talked quietly.

  The second group was small, numbering only two. Wade was perched on the side of a rock pool with his best friend, Lucan's brother Nyle.

  The third group were her friends. Chandra, Cate, Archie, Lucan and Freya sat in a protective huddle around Stewart.

  After the more formal wake at the funeral parlour, they'd all been in dire need of a more soothing place. There was no better place than here. Lily's beach was working its magic, calming all of their troubled thoughts.

  Aisley's expression was wistful. If only she'd brought Willa here. Ah well…best not to go there … there were too many if only's to count.

  She mulled over the last few months in her mind and found herself comparing the small everyday drama's they endured to the harsh realism that was Willa's suicide. The make-ups and the break-ups, the cliques and the petty squabbles, the day-to-day humdrum of high-school life faded in the face of reality. In the end, did it really matter? Any of it?

  Chandra got up and moved away from the group. Hands in pockets, he walked down to join her at the water's edge.

  'Hey, Ais.' He opened his arms and she stepped gratefully into them, resting against his shoulder and closing her eyes. He leaned his chin on the top of her head and they stood like that for a while, not speaking, just drawing comfort from each other.

  'Check it out,' he said eventually. 'How beautiful does the ocean look right now?'

  The sea was dead calm and bathed in a gentle light. Aisley took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  'Can I tell you something really corny?' Chandra asked her.

  'Tell away.'

  'I never used to care about things,' he said. 'Before I met you, I did not give a shit. Not about school, or what I was going to do with my life. Nothing. None of it mattered.'

  'You were a kid,' she said comfortably. 'Very few kids see beyond tomorrow.'

  'Yeah, but it's more than that,' he said. 'So long as I could surf, play computer games, and eat junk food, I was happy. I thought people kept making me do things I didn't want to do just to piss me off.' He smiled his easy smile at her. 'So I'd skip school for a few days. Mum and dad would go nuts. The principal would ask to see them. I didn't care, because I was selfish.'

  Aisley returned his smile and then looked at the tranquil sea again. He traced the outline of her profile with his fingertips.

  'Sometimes I think you were sent,' he murmured. 'To give me a kick up the arse. It's something nobody else could do.'

  'Hey!' She frowned. 'Are you saying I'm a nag?'

  He threw his head back and laughed. It was the first time she'd heard him laugh since before Willa and it was like music to her ears. He hugged her tight and smacked a big kiss on her cheek. 'Aw, Ais,' he said. 'You're so gorgeous.'

  'Thank you, but you still haven't answered my question. Am I a nag?'

  'You're the exact opposite,' he assured her. 'You inspire me. You act. You get things done and you make it seem effortless.' He grinned. 'Corny enough for you yet?'

  'It's not corny.'

  He sighed and rested his chin on the top of her head again. 'You've made me care about things. You've made me give a shit.'

  Aisley was touched. She leaned her cheek against his shoulder once more, feeling the sinking sun friendly on her skin.

  'So I've made some decisions,' he told her. 'I'm going try harder. At school, I mean. I'm going to put in as much effort as I can, Ais, and I'm hoping I haven't left my run too late.'

  'It's never too late,' she said. She didn't think
she'd ever seen him look so serious.

  'In this case it might be.' He pulled a face. 'See, I'm going to try for med school.'

  'Oh wow! Chandra!'

  'Am I a complete dick?'

  'God no!' she gasped. 'You're awesome!'

  'I dunno if I can do it,' he admitted. 'It's aiming pretty high, I know.'

  'Of course you can do it!' She gripped both of his hands in hers. 'You're the smartest person I know. It might not be easy but you'll get there. I know you will!'

  'Can you imagine me as a doctor?' He laughed. 'Because I sure can't.'

  'I can,' she assured him. She looped her arms around his neck. 'You'll be excellent!'

  'Well, I've actually got to do it first,' he said. 'But I will try. I promise you I'll give it one hundred per cent.'

  'I know you will.'

  He took her face in his hands. 'Thanks for finding me, Ais,' he whispered. 'Thanks for falling in love with me. I owe you big time.'

  'You owe me nothing.' She kissed him. 'We're in this together.'

  He nodded and they held each other as the sun started to sink. A little while later he took her hand and led her back up the sand to re-join their friends.

  That night Aisley had a dream. In it she was sitting on the floor in the double-height hall of Sheldon's Seat and moonlight was streaming through the three leadlight windows. She traced the rainbow patterns on the wooden boards with her fingers and listened to the faint music that was playing in another room somewhere. It sounded like a piano and that's how she knew for sure she was dreaming. Because there was no piano at Sheldon's Seat and even if there was, nobody in the Brannon family could play it.

  The piano playing stopped and footsteps approached. She looked up to see Lily Sheldon emerge from the shadows into the moonlight. Aisley wasn't alarmed. This was a dream, after all. Lily was wearing a cream-coloured nightgown and it swept the floor as she walked. Her feet were bare and her white-blonde hair spiralled to her waist.