I Thought I Knew You

by Penny Hancock

  Jules stares at me for a few minutes, the upset on her face so tangible I want to reach out and stroke it away.

  ‘Well, that’s good. For you. But I’ll miss having you so close. I understand, though. I said some terrible things, not just about Saul but also about Archie. It was cruel of me. I realize that now.’

  ‘Ha! In an odd way, now I’ve had time to think about it, to reimagine my own past, it’s helped me. Archie has finally come off his pedestal. What I learned has taught me something a little uncomfortable about myself, too. How I chose to see what I wanted to see and refused to see what I didn’t where he was concerned. Suzie tried to tell me that, too! At his funeral, probably a bad place and time, but she was trying to help. I’m going to get in touch with her. Arrange to go and see my mum.’ I turn and look at the river, at the miles of reclaimed land. ‘I need to get back to work. They found my troll, the Stag; he was one of my students, a lad called Jerome. He’s been disciplined and they want me back at the consent workshops. I said I’d talk about the reasons women don’t always report the assaults they undergo. And why they should.’

  Jules gulps. ‘That’s brave of you, Holly.’

  ‘It’s not brave. As you said to me in the cafe the other day, it’s necessary. Look what happened to Saff because she was too afraid to report Bell.’

  ‘Look what happened to you,’ says Jules.

  ‘I’m OK,’ I say.

  ‘You should have reported what Rowan did.’

  I can’t reply to this. I try to find the words to explain why I didn’t. The knowing it would take resources away from those needed to find Saul. But also – and this is what I’m ashamed of and what I’m going to talk to my students about – the ambiguity of what he did, which made me uncertain I could call it an assault. And the humiliation the police would have put me through, the questioning, the doubts, the asking why I’d let him into my house dressed as I was . . . all that put me off pursuing it. It shouldn’t have done, but it did. I need to tell them that if rape victims can be aware of their underlying reasons for staying silent, they can defeat those reasons. They must not be made to shut up. And once one of us speaks up, it opens the way for others to.

  ‘I’m pleased, though, Holly,’ Jules is saying. ‘I really am. I’m pleased you and Pete are giving it another go. I would have felt responsible if you hadn’t.’

  She’s quiet for a while. Then without looking at me, she says, ‘I’m giving Rowan another chance too. I was on the verge of leaving him. After what he did to you. But after everything Saffie’s been through . . . it would be too much for her to deal with. It’s going to take her a long time to get over what Harry put her through. If she ever does. And she needs her dad. He’s good for her. Now. He’s changed in the way he is towards her. Less pushy, less besotted too – in a good way, I mean. He’s giving her space. And he’s agreed to go on another anger management course. You’re right when you say we all revealed sides we didn’t know we had. I – he and I – felt he should have another chance to redeem himself. He’s learned stuff through this and he’s going to be a better man.’

  The sky turns bright and the land goes dark. It does this out here. The world flips over without warning. You can hate this place, but you can love it too. A triad of swans appears, flying towards us, necks outstretched, bright white against the light, and they come so low and so close we can hear the rasp of their wings.

  ‘Maybe we should come and live in Cambridge as well. What do you think?’ Jules says.

  ‘It’d be good to have you near, Jules. It really would.’

  And for a few seconds, I allow myself to enjoy the thought. After all, we’ve always lived near each other, apart from the short period when she moved up here, before Saul and I joined her. I always thought of her and Saffie as my family. It could be like the old days: in and out of each other’s houses, cooking together, drinking wine. Talking about anything and everything. Nothing makes up for that kind of friendship. Nothing comes close.

  ‘I’m not sure how Saul would feel. He needs a fresh start. It never worked for him here. And we can’t get away from the fact Saffie picked him as a scapegoat. He was an easy target, because of the way he’s been seen since we moved here. I need to give him some space . . .’

  I can see my words have hurt Jules and I wish I hadn’t had to say them.

  ‘It would be for Saffie as much as for me,’ she says. ‘She needs to feel there’s support around her. You’re important to her, Holly.’

  Beyond Jules, I can see Saul reflected in the still river water. As I watch, Saffie’s reflection joins his.

  ‘Jules, look.’

  I gesture towards the reflections of Jules’s daughter and my son, perfectly depicted, upside down in the still water. But as we look, the reflected Saul makes a move towards Saffie. He towers over her, his arms outstretched as if he’s about to grab her neck. Or as if he’s about to shove her so hard she will tumble backwards into the deep. The river is freezing. They’re close to the sluice. If she falls, it could be lethal.

  I take a step forward, opening my mouth to shout at Saul to stop, and Jules turns too. She steps to one side. Reveals them both. Saffie and Saul, as they really are, the right way up, not their reflections. They teeter on the riverbank. Saffie wobbles, arms splayed. She’s about to tumble backwards into her mirror image. Jules lifts an arm, waves, shouts. Saul takes a final step towards Saffie, gives her a shove. She begins to fall.

  At the last moment, Saul grabs her again, pulling her from the edge. Her indignant scream and his laughter carry in the still air across the flat land as they stagger backwards and fall in a heap among the reeds.

  Then a heron swoops in and down and lands on the water, creating a wash as it glides through the still surface, legs outstretched. The huge sky, and the bare willows, and the whole of the upside-down world the broad river throws back at us shatters into a million fragmented pieces, before it stills again.

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you Jane Gregory, Stephanie Glencross and Mary Jones at Gregory & Company for believing there was a story here to start with.

  I feel so fortunate to have found such an insightful and perceptive editor in Sam Humphreys at Mantle. Thank you Sam for showing me this could be a different kind of book to the one I first thought it was. I am much happier with the way it has turned out as a result of your vision. Thanks, too, to all the team at Mantle who have contributed to the making of this book.

  Thanks to Jenny Urquart who bid for a ‘walk on’ character name and to Katie Small from the charity CLIC Sargent.

  My thanks also go to:

  Anna D’Andrea and John Davy, always my first and most exacting readers.

  Sarah Flint for help with police procedural.

  Helen Tabor, Kate Rhodes, Judy Foreshaw, Rick Harvey and Guinevere Glasford for reading and contributions, and Susan Elliot Wright for support and referring me to the book Carnal Knowledge: Rape on Trial by Sue Lees. Suzanne Dominian for accompanying me on London research walks and drawing attention to the pews in Lincoln’s Inn Chapel.

  Andy Taylor for all the usual.

  Above all, thank you Polly and Emma Hancock-Taylor for your detailed feedback, and Jem Hancock-Taylor for your ideas (including pointing me to ‘Rape Me’ by Kurt Cobain) and unfailing patience every time I ran a storyline, plot conundrum, or question about current social media practice past you. Your help is more important than you probably realize.

  Anyone else I might have forgotten, know how much I appreciate the conversation, debate and input that helped me write this book.

  Reading Group Questions

  I Thought I Knew You is told from two women’s points of view. What effect did this have? Did you feel closer to one woman than the other? How does the fact that Holly’s story is told in the first person and Jules’s in the third affect your reading?

  Holly campaigns for victims of alleged sex offences to speak out. How does she justify not believing Saffie? Do you sympathize with her?<
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  Do you sympathize with Jules when she goes over Saffie’s head to buy the pregnancy test?

  The novel is as much about female friendship as it is about the rape allegation. Describe the friendship between Holly and Jules. What bonds them, and what breaks this bond? Can their friendship ever recover? Discuss the nature of different female friendships.

  Holly breaks open her stepdaughter Freya’s diary and searches Saul’s room for ‘evidence’ about him. Jules looks through Saffie’s laptop to see what she’s been doing. Do parents have a right to pry into their children’s lives like this?

  Do you sympathize with Pete’s reaction to Saffie’s allegation?

  Can you still love someone whom you suspect of doing something terrible?

  How do you think the story would have played out if Saul and Saffie’s characters were reversed – i.e. if Saul were outgoing and popular, and Saffie shy and awkward?

  ‘Saffie’s accusation hasn’t just changed the present and the future for us all; it’s altering the past as I know it, and I’m not sure which is harder to deal with.’ What does Holly mean by this?

  ‘Which of us has had it harder? Jules, the mother of a daughter who was raped, or me, the mother of the boy who was accused?’ Who do you think has it harder – Jules or Holly?

  Since the #MeToo campaign there has been more discussion than ever in the media about sexual harassment and assault. What do you think this has changed for women? What do you think it has changed for men? Discuss what other impact the movement has had.

  Also by Penny Hancock

  Tideline

  The Darkening Hour

  A Trick of the Mind

  First published 2019 by Mantle

  This electronic edition published 2019 by Mantle

  an imprint of Pan Macmillan

  20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

  Associated companies throughout the world

  www.panmacmillan.com

  ISBN 978-1-5098-6788-2

  Copyright © Penny Hancock 2019

  Cover photographs: Background: Karina Vegas/Arcangel Images, Girl on bench: Mark Owen/plainpicture, Design: Ami Smithson, Pan Macmillan art department

  The right of Penny Hancock to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

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