Collision

by Stefne Miller

  There it was, the truth. I couldn’t imagine how much courage it took for her to say it out loud, especially to a person for whom she had just admitted to having feelings. My heart broke for her.

  “Go on,” I encouraged.

  “I haven’t wanted anyone to be passionate about me because I’m afraid of what that will mean. I’m afraid of someone feeling so strongly about me that they can’t control themselves. You once asked me if anything frightens me. Passion frightens me.”

  I sat down on the floor and then pulled her onto my lap.

  “What your father had wasn’t passion, Kei. It was evil. What he had was an evil that compelled him to do what he did. There’s a difference. What he did wasn’t out of love. It was out of sickness.”

  She rested her head on my shoulder, and we both cried for several minutes, so long that the music playing from my sound system ran through the entire CD. And we still sat in silence for several minutes more.

  I wanted to say something to her but couldn’t think of anything, or there were so many things I couldn’t decide which to go with.

  Before I formed a complete thought, she spoke. “The silence is unsettling. Please be honest and tell me what you’re thinking. I’m frightened to know, but I want you to be honest.”

  I pushed her slightly away from me so I could see her and she would have to look at me. “My heart’s broken,” I admitted. “And I can’t wrap my head around it. I wish I could go back in time and protect you from all of it, keep it all from happening, but I can’t.”

  “This isn’t a film,” she whispered. “It’s my truth.”

  “When I think of you experiencing that…all I can say is that those things made you who you are and brought you to this place, to me. Knowing those things and that you trust me enough to tell me makes me love you more, not less.”

  She blinked several times. “Love?”

  I didn’t even realize I’d said it, but I was glad that I had. “Yes.”

  “How is that possible?”

  “I don’t know. I just know it is. Actually, I think it would be impossible for me not to.”

  She crawled out of my lap and onto the couch, practically in the fetal position with her head on a pillow. “Cabot, I can’t—”

  “Wait,” I said, turning to face her. “You’ve assumed what my response would be instead of letting me tell you for myself how I feel about it all.”

  “I didn’t want to tell you because it’s bloody horrible. I want you to be able to escape the situation with as little awkwardness as possible.”

  “That’s my point. I don’t want to escape the situation. And besides, aren’t you the one who told me that whole snake bite story and that sometimes we need someone else to help us heal?”

  Her eyes rolled. “I was trying to sound brilliant. I didn’t necessarily believe what I was saying. It was all a mass of rubbish.”

  “No, it wasn’t. You were right.”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, in the last twenty minutes or so, conditions aren’t really the best for trying out a new romance, if that’s even what this is. And you certainly don’t understand the ramifications of dating someone who has the type of history that I do. I’ve got issues. I’ve worked through them, had a lot of trauma counseling…done a lot of trauma counseling. I’m doing well, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be problems or setbacks.”

  “Kei, I won’t go into this blindly. I’ll research posttraumatic stress and all kinds of other stuff during my free time if I have to. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  Her eyes blinked in shock. “You will?”

  “Yeah. I understand the severity of this. And I understand that if I want a chance to be with you, then I need to realize what it is I’m getting myself into.”

  “That’s for certain.”

  “I learned a lot listening to you talk to those women during trauma counseling. And I also heard you tell them that what happened to them didn’t make them less valuable, didn’t make them less beautiful, and certainly didn’t make them less loveable.”

  “It’s easier to believe it for them than for me,” she whispered.

  “But it’s true for all of you, especially you.”

  “How can you possibly accept all of this?”

  I moved closer to her. “I love you, every part of you.”

  “That’s not possible.”

  “Those boys in the mission house, they all love and accept each other, and it seems like it should be impossible. And those people in the camps who have nothing to be happy about, they’re joyful even under the worst of circumstances. That should be impossible too, but it’s happened. Why do we have to be able to explain it? Why can’t we just accept that that’s how it is?”

  Her brow creased. “Are you preaching, Cabot?”

  “Maybe a little. I’ve learned from the best.”

  She stared at me in shock.

  “Oh, King of Glory,” I shouted.

  She laughed. “You make me laugh when you do that.”

  “I know. That’s why I did it.”

  She smiled and then looked down at her crumpled dress and groaned. “How did I get here, Cabot? You’ve turned me in to a mess.”

  “I think you’re beautiful.”

  We sat in silence, looking at each other for a few minutes before she took a deep breath, threw her legs over the side of the couch, and stood.

  “I need to go check on the fundraiser. They’ll begin to worry and come looking for me.”

  Disappointment would be an understatement of my emotions at that moment. I’d finally told her how I felt, she’d finally come clean about her past, and she was still walking out my door like nothing had happened between us.

  Just as she opened the door, I managed to say one word: “Stay.”

  She froze, midstep.

  “I didn’t say it last time, so I’m saying it now. Stay,” I repeated.

  She looked at her hand on the doorknob for a few seconds and then pushed the door closed.

  I climbed up off the floor and walked up behind her.

  “I like our world,” she finally said, “this one, just the two of us.”

  “I love our world too, and I’ll love that one out there if you’re in it with me,” I said as I walked around and stood between her and the door.

  “I waited too long. You leave tomorrow,” she cried.

  I leaned down and softly kissed her jaw just below the ear. “It’s never too late.”

  I reached back, locked the door, and then pulled her closer. My heart raced when she leaned into me. Just as my lips touched hers, I lifted her off the floor. Within seconds, I realized we were lying on the couch. Somehow, we’d managed to move from the door to the couch, and my lips never left hers.

  The weight of my body pressed her into couch. The material of her dress was so thin that I could feel every inch of her body against mine, so I quickly slid onto my side, my mouth still not retreating from hers.

  No kiss with Sofie or anyone else felt anything like this. This was a kiss, a kiss that was filled with longing and hunger yet was gentle and pure.

  Within seconds, common sense flooded my brain. I lifted my head and looked down at her. “We need to talk.”

  “What? Now?” she shrieked.

  I nodded. If I would’ve actually tried to talk, I’m pretty sure I would’ve caved and said, “No, let’s pick up where we left off.”

  “Bollocks,” she screeched.

  “I know, bollocks. But yeah, now. We should have talked”— I waved my arm over us—“before this. Lord knows I tried.”

  I rolled over and let myself fall onto the floor.

  She rolled onto her side and peered over at me. “Is this where you give me the speech about how you’ve suddenly come to your senses and you realize that we’re from two utterly different worlds and you don’t know if this should happen and—”

  “No.” I propped myself up on my elbow until our faces were almost level. “This is where I give
you the speech about how I can hardly stand going to sleep each night because it’s time spent away from you, and the speech where I tell you that I didn’t even like hot tea but it gave me an excuse to spend time with you, and that when you finally waltzed into the kitchen every morning, my heart literally wanted to explode because I was so happy to see you. And it’s the speech where I tell you that I flew around the world for no other reason than to see you and I’ll do it over and over again if that’s what it takes to make this thing work, to have you in my life.”

  “This is that speech?”

  “I’m not finished.”

  “Oh.”

  I repositioned myself so I was sitting cross-legged. “I think I fell in love with you the day I met you. While we were here over the summer, I sort of figured it out, but when I was in Uganda, I knew it. I knew how I felt. That’s why I ended it with Sofie while I was there. And then we got here, as soon as Oliver asked us to do that kissing scene, I knew I was done for. I knew there would be no way I could kiss you and then go back to things as they’d been between us.” I took a few seconds to think through what I wanted to say before I went on. Then I took a deep breath and went for it. “Prepare yourself. This is going to sound stupid and melodramatic and completely scripted, but it’s not.”

  “Okay.”

  I reached up and ran my fingers along her jaw line.

  “My sun literally rises when I see you and it falls when we’re apart. It feels dark when you aren’t with me, and I say all of that just to say that you didn’t just turn my head once. It snaps your direction every time you enter the room.”

  Her face flushed. “Cabot, I—”

  “No. Wait. I’m not done.”

  Her jaw slammed shut, and she nodded.

  “As I’ve said, you don’t need a ton of guys to realize how incredible you are. You only need one. I’m one. I’ve realized it. I want to be the one. I need to know if I can be, if you want me to be.”

  “I’m frightened of saying yes,” she admitted, “starting something one day and then being apart immediately. That can’t be good for—”

  “Which leads me to my second speech.”

  “There’s a second speech?”

  I nodded.

  “How does that one go?”

  I grabbed her hands. “Give us a chance, a real go at it. Come with me to Italy, and let’s make this work for us.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “I couldn’t be more serious if I tried.”

  “I’m not sure. I wouldn’t think twice about giving Cabot a shot. It’s Cab I’m not so certain about.”

  “With you, I’ll always be Cabot. All you have to do is give me a chance to prove it.”

  She slid onto the floor and let the top of her head fall against my chest and rest there. My heart was pounding so hard, I’m sure she could feel it against her skull.

  My fingers swept her hair aside, and I leaned over and kissed the back of her neck. “Please say yes. Say you’ll come with me. Say you’ll give us a chance.” I kissed her neck again but didn’t remove my lips. They stayed attached to her skin

  “It’s what you really want?” she whispered.

  “Yes.”

  “Damage and all?”

  “Absolutely.” I felt the words reverberate off her skin. “We’re all damaged, Kei, some of us more than others, but we all have issues.”

  She let out a large sigh, lifted her head, and looked back up at me. “Under one condition.”

  “Okay.”

  “You have to agree to it now, before I tell you what it is.”

  My heart stopped pounding. It froze. “Kei, be fair.”

  “It’s the only way I’ll agree to giving this a go.”

  “Then I don’t have a choice.”

  She stood up from the floor and walked several steps away before turning to face me. “Take thirty days. Go spend Christmas with your family, and then go to Italy without me—”

  “No.” I stood up and started to walk toward her, but she backed away, so I stopped.

  “Go without me. Live your life. Go back to your normal, back to your reality, and I’ll go back to mine. Let this new information about me sink in. If after thirty days you still want me to come to Italy, then we’ll discuss it further.”

  “I wanted to spend Christmas together, and I don’t want to be away from you for that long.”

  “I need you to be away from me for that long so that if, in fact, you decide you still want to be with me, I know you’ve had time to think clearly; I know that all your feelings weren’t because I was a challenge or out of pity or because of some high off of visiting Uganda; I’ll know that none of what you’ve learned about me has changed how you feel.”

  “My feelings aren’t going to change.”

  “Then this shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Kei, I don’t want this.”

  “Thirty days. No phone calls, no e-mails, nothing. Pretend I don’t exist. If after thirty days, I hear from you, splendid. If I don’t, I understand.”

  “You’ll hear from me.”

  “If I don’t, just know how much I’ve enjoyed our life together over the last six months.” She walked up, kissed me, and then walked out the door.

  “Kei,” I yelled after her.

  She turned to me.

  “I love you, and I’ll see you in thirty days.”

  •••••

  Six hours later, I was leaving Kei behind.

  She’d finally come out with it, told me about her father hurting her and her mother’s sick attempt at putting the child out of her misery. I didn’t tell her that I already knew. I wasn’t sure I ever would. I don’t know. Maybe one day, when the conditions are right and I knew that if she got angry about it, she would find a way to understand my dilemma.

  The important thing was that she told me and she didn’t leave any of it out. It was out of the darkness and into the light. It couldn’t do any more damage to our relationship, or a relationship that I hoped would be a reality in thirty days, thirty torturous days.

  Somehow, I managed to make it through the airport without anyone noticing me. Nobody had been expecting me to be in North Carolina, so their radar wasn’t on. But as soon as I stepped foot in Los Angeles, life went back to normal. As I walked through the airport, people turned and stared. Some screamed, while others jammed pieces of paper in my face and asked for autographs or asked me to pose for a photo with them. I obliged the requests and put on the show. I laughed, posed for photos, and thanked people for their support. It was the best acting job I’d ever done on set or off.

  The paparazzi were bunkered down outside the airport and starting snapping away as soon as I walked out the automatic doors. It wasn’t until I was alone inside the limousine that I let myself relax.

  I was back to being completely alone, only that time, it was worse. I didn’t just hate being alone; I hated being apart from the person who made feel anything but alone.

  C H A P T E R

  30

  Some of the other cast members and I sat around a table, eating our high-protein, low-taste meals. Oliver and his production team had been smart. They stuck us all together, barely giving us any time apart. If I’d had one meal alone, I would’ve gone crazy and eaten nothing but bread and sweets. Other than Kei, carbohydrates were all I thought of.

  Actual shooting of the movie was beginning in a matter of days, and even though we’d been in Vancouver for fight training for almost a month, my body still ached if I sat still for any amount of time. I was working muscles that I never even knew existed, and my body wanted to make sure it knew that it didn’t like the strain.

  I listened to the guys talk about protein drinks and cut into my chicken as a flash of red caught my eye from across the room.

  My heart rate increased. I’d know that red anywhere.

  “David, this is Kei, an intern.” Oliver was introducing her to our trainer.

  I looked up and watched her profile as she re
ached out and shook his hand as Oliver spoke.

  “I hired her to come document the filming of the movie. We’re thinking of using the footage on the DVD set when it comes out.”

  “Sounds great,” David said.

  I waited for Kei to look my direction, but she didn’t.

  “Welcome, Kei. Make yourself at home.”

  “I appreciate that,” she said softly.

  Finally, Oliver prompted her to turn our direction, and within moments, her eyes met mine but looked away just as quickly.

  “Gentlemen, mind if I interrupt and introduce you to someone?”

  “Of course not,” Steven said, standing.

  The rest of us stood too.

  “This is Kei. She’s going to be photographing and videotaping the shoot over the next few months. I’d appreciate it if you gave her access to your world, within reason, of course.”

  I watched her greet each person as Oliver introduced them.

  “And you remember Cab.”

  “Yes. Hello,” she said with a nod. Her eyes flicked to me and then right back to her uncle.

  “Everyone be nice to her. I had to drag her here kicking and screaming as it was.”

  “You don’t like Tuscany, Kei?” Zander asked.

  “I’m kind of a homebody,” she whispered.

  “No, she isn’t,” Oliver announced. “It’s called a lack of self-confidence. She doesn’t realize how good she is, but she’ll figure it out soon enough.”

  I started to speak, but Oliver kept going.

  “Anyway, I’m going to go show her around the set. Maybe you’ll see her out here on Monday.”

  Oliver turned and walked away as Kei said a quick good-bye and then followed behind. She didn’t look back at me.

  I jumped up from my chair and ran after them, catching them just outside. “Kei?”

  I could tell she didn’t want to, but she turned my direction. She wouldn’t look at me. “Um…”

  She looked back at Oliver. He finally got the hint and walked away.

  “I’m so sorry I showed up out of the blue. I know it hasn’t been thirty days. And I know this probably looks bad or like I’m stalking you or decided not to give you the thirty days or that maybe I’m trying to pressure you not to change your mind about us. I don’t know. All of this must be very awkward for you. It certainly is for me. Oliver and my parents worked it out and then sprung it on me last minute and didn’t really give me a choice. They literally shoved me on to the plane with hardly a word about where I was going or what I’d be doing. It was only upon arriving that Oliver fully clued me up on their plan. I—”