It could end. I could hurt. She could destroy everything I’d spent years building up. The carefully constructed fortress within me. Those feelings I’d just glimpsed could kill it like a hurricane. “I can’t.” Now, I was the one giving the excuse.
“Okay,” she whispered, chest heaving like I’d stabbed her hard.
I didn’t look up when she stood. Cheap reasons came to mind, platitudes to try and make her see that it wasn’t about who she was. It was about what she would do to me when she left. Her heels clicked on the hard floor as she walked away.
That sound was the beat of my heart following her. Nothing Ben could ever do would hurt me like being devastated by Olivia Holbrook. She made me feel again, made me realize that everything I felt when Ben touched me was a ghost.
I sat there for a long time recovering, but I had to go. I had to get out of that place and get to somewhere safe. My feet moved, taking me out of the auditorium and down the hall. Blind and distracted, I made it to the parking lot and into my car.
I don’t remember driving home or getting in bed but I woke up the next morning in the same clothes and knew that I hadn’t even showered. I could still taste her. I couldn’t wash it away yet. If I couldn’t have her I would keep the residue of our only moment as long as I could.
So, I went to school in the same clothes. This was worse than before. I was numb then. Now, I was absent, moving like a robot from one place to another. I didn’t see her in the hallways. Not that I had before we kissed.
I’d just pushed her away and we hardly had a schedule that had us crossing paths. For better, we were always on opposite sides of the building. Except for lunch. We had that same period. I never saw her in the cafeteria but I didn’t want to take a chance so I went back to the auditorium.
I wanted to see the place where I’d had the best kiss of my life. The curtains were open today. As I walked down the side aisle, the piano bench became clearer. Going from a blur to all sharp angles and solid wood.
I just looked and remembered. She had to have wanted to kiss me before she asked me not to hate her. I let the questions come to me. I wanted to know what it meant to her. If it changed her at all, like it had me. It was probably something she regretted.
Even so, she was trustworthy. I moved to the stage, taking the side stairs and walking into the wings. I could use a friend. She could be that. That would be enough. If she wanted to, that is. For all I knew, she was freaking even more than I was.
The bench beckoned me. No one would see me and even if someone wandered in they wouldn’t know why I was there. It was a common place to find Avery Lockhart. Like the pool or the track, this stage was part of my domain.
I sat down in the same place I’d been sitting yesterday. In a second I was in that kiss, the sensations weren’t first-hand anymore but my heart beat faster and I closed my eyes, pretending she was there. I could smell her perfume.
But I knew it wouldn’t last. As I meditated on the kiss, I became aware of something, a feeling of being watched. The same kind of feeling I’d had outside the diner. My eyes shot open and I saw her, looking up at me from the front of the auditorium.
It could be wishful thinking. I blinked but she was still there. Her clothes were different: she never wore jeans but even they looked fancy. That being said, Olivia was more dressed down than I’d seen her before, but even from here I could see the sadness in her demeanor. I just wanted her to be okay again, like before.
If kissing me did that to her then I felt like there was no way I would be able to make her smile but I was going to try. As much as I wasn’t ready to be more, I could be there for her. I could let her in that much if she wanted it. She might hate me now.
I got up, starting toward the front of the stage. I was going to talk, tell her that if she would have me, I would be her friend. That way I could be around her. In the week we had really started to know one another she had gotten further into my mind than anyone I’d met since we’d moved. Maybe throwing that away was dumb.
When I got to the edge of the stage she was turning.
“Olivia!”
Either she didn’t hear me or she didn’t want to because she kept walking, disappearing through the double doors. I ran for the stairs and took them quickly, jogging up the center aisle and hitting the doors not thirty seconds after she had left by them.
When I pushed them open the hallway was empty. I had no way of knowing where she had gone and I didn’t know her schedule. “Damn,” I cursed.
I trudged on, checking my watch and realizing that lunch was almost over. A stray thought told me that maybe that was why she left in such a hurry but I didn’t believe it. Wanting didn’t make something true.
I made it to study hall before the tardy bell rang and I sat in the back, trying to decide if I should text Olivia or find her somehow and ask if she would talk. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I looked up, surprised, to see Skylar looking down at me. She wasn’t in here this period.
“Hey,” I whispered.
She slid a piece of paper across my desk and leaned down. The teacher assigned to monitor study hall couldn’t care less if the office aid was talking to me. She probably just assumed it was something she was supposed to be doing anyway. “Hey, this is the sign-up sheet for the ski trip. I just thought you might wanna pick who you room with before they made assignments.”
I scanned the sheet, seeing that she had already signed herself up to room with Sarah. All the other rooms were still free. She must have snuck this out of the office before they even had a chance to check it.
I swallowed, finding one of the double rooms. Skylar handed me her pen and I scribbled my name in and Olivia’s right under it. “Thanks,” I said.
She shrugged. “Sure thing. And believe me, I definitely want to room with you, Sarah’s just having a shit time lately. I just figured I’d save you the agony.”
I handed the paper back and she looked at what I’d written, her eyebrows shot up when she realized who I’d written down. “Something you wanna tell me?”
“Not really,” I replied, hoping that she didn’t press it.
“Since when are you friends with Olivia Holbrook. You know she’s a bitch, right? Well, I mean, other people say that.” It sounded bad but Skylar wasn’t the type who could even be mean.
“Hey,” I smacked her arm. “Maybe I like bitches.” I grinned at her to cover my anger. I was really good at acting, we both were, just check the reviews of Wicked from last year.
“Okaaaay,” she said, drawing it out.
“Thanks for letting me pick.” She’d helped me more than I could ever let her know.
I was very satisfied with myself. This could be the first step and if the whole thing ended in disaster I could just switch rooms with someone.
Now that I had a plan, I didn’t mind getting through the rest of the day. It seemed to go pretty quick. By the time practice was over and I was making my way out of the locker room I was content.
Until I saw Ben, leaning against the wall. “Hey,” I greeted him.
“You okay?”
His question hit me wrong. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
He spread his hands, palms out toward me. “Hey, you just haven’t answered my texts since yesterday.” He got closer, lowering his voice. “I was just trying to confirm things for Saturday.”
Dread hit me. I’d forgotten. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I apologized automatically. The thought of going to his house and doing all the things we usually did, it made me panic. After kissing Olivia it was such a strange thought to go back there.
“So, you should come over at seven and I have a surprise for you.” He stepped into me, body propelling me back into the wall. His arms blocked me in and he hovered above me, cocky grin eating at me.
“Sure.” I didn’t want to give him what he wanted but I was so used to it and a little afraid of what would happen if I denied him. I couldn’t have feelings for Olivia but I could have sex with Ben.
; He looked both ways down the hall and then back at me, leaning in to press his lips against mine. I felt his tongue slide against my bottom lip and I let him kiss me, barely moving. His hands came to my cheeks and he controlled my head, delving deeper into my mouth, claiming me.
When he pulled back I stared at him blankly, searching for air to put in my lungs.
“I’ll see you Saturday,” he said, backing away. “Seven.”
I nodded in confirmation. I’d meet him, like always. I tried to replace Olivia’s kiss with his but their significance was so different. Hers was an awakening and Ben’s was a means to an end. Just like the people they came from, they were different breeds.
Chapter Fifteen
Olivia
I knew it would be like this. I just wasn’t expecting it to hurt me this much.
I didn’t fall like this, really. I’ve always had obsessive behavior but that behavior didn’t usually extend to people, at least not in this way. I could spend hours and hours thinking about this thing or that. For instance, that piece I’d been writing for the piano had been haunting me ever since I heard the first chord hit my brain. It was like I saw Avery’s eyes and I heard music and it never stopped.
Even now I’m trying to piece it together.
It’s laughable really. It’s only been a week. I’m absurd.
This doesn’t happen to me. It really doesn’t.
I just don’t usually feel strongly like this, not for people. I like what people can do to me but I don’t fall in love and I’ve never done this as an adult. I’ve had crushes before but this is...
Avery’s just been this sort of fluke I guess and now she’s what?
Nothing…
I hated to think it. But she might have to be nothing to me again.
If she won’t have me I’m not going to force it. Force what exactly? I dunno... A friendship? A relationship?
Whatever she has with Ben, that’s not real. I wouldn’t do that to her.
“I can’t,” she’d said.
Her voice cracking and breaking.
I’d done that to her.
Such a fool…
Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh at this but right now I feel like my world’s just falling apart.
After the kiss and her rejection I just sort of hurried off and drove home. The second I hit my bed I plopped down onto it, still for a second before tears pushed their way through and wailed into my pillow, exhausting myself with sadness. Eventually I fell to sleep.
I didn’t wake up again until 3 am.
The house was so still. I walked around it like some grieving widow. I never had her really, it wasn’t the same. It’s not like we’d had some big life, some shared world. That was all in my head, in my dreams.
I ended up in the kitchen. I don’t usually eat my feelings but the night seemed to demand it so I did. My Mom had take-out boxes from some random place. I heated it all up on a plate and took it out to the music room and ate while I rested on the bench seat near the window and wept despite not wanting to. I hated to feel weak.
The sky was so dark. I couldn’t see stars but I stared.
The piano sat beside me so silent, so similar. Beautiful, trustworthy, a perfect model of everything it needed to be, yet untouched, unloved. I personified it selfishly and wished I had taken the time to show it care before my parents came home.
If I played right now I’d wake them. They’d be angry with me.
I couldn’t today.
Halfway through eating, that broken mood struck me again. My appetite was gone. I couldn’t eat.
I threw the food in the trash and cleaned the dish, placing it in the dishwasher and walking away.
I wouldn’t sleep anyway.
I got dressed for school, caring not for once, throwing jeans on and a soft black button-up shirt I would later tuck in. As I thread my tan belt through the loops and put my watch on I felt tired, at a loss. I left long before the sun would ever kiss the hills upon its rise. I left knowing I was inconsequential to everything and everyone.
I sat in the dark parking lot, much earlier than I usually came, and listened to music within the solitude of my own car. Sometimes my car felt like a safe boat that could carry me through any rough storm. I thought randomly of Avery’s Father out at sea and felt a gnawing, a sharp pang.
I wanted to see her; I was trying to rush it all, to beckon the day.
Instead I broke myself more. Listening to The Hymn for Acxiom by Vienna Teng on repeat was definitely not a way to fix myself. Choral compositions tend to break me. Especially when they sparkle with dissonance and the words tear and rip at my heart, confusing and appeasing all at the same time.
The song can be read certain ways, depending on your knowledge, the way you are willing to listen, and the depths with which you dive. It can be a song about love or a song about data collection and corruption and then power; about being in love or being found, how fragile humans are and how easily they can be captured by those who know very well how to monitor them. In the end it’s more the cold voice of a corporation gaining intel than a lover inconspicuously saying hello. All in all, the song’s about that certain lure we all feel at one point or another, a lure we’re willing to be pulled by and lead astray.
I thought of Avery knowing me, of how easy it was for her to crawl inside my heart, as she sang.
She wanted to hear me… Know me...
The words spun around me and I thought of her longingly as I waited.
Just like the song said. I’d been duped. She had won. My innocence and willingness to embrace love was my ultimate trap. Like a set-up.
After a few too many listens I had to shut my stereo off completely. Frustration took hold. How can anyone truly foresee how good intentions can lead them to ruin?
As I sat, I saw her come; just as I saw everyone else come and then go.
Tangled in meanings and actions and words, I threw my hair up in a messy bun. In the mirror I looked wan. No serum could fix this and I was averse to leaning on drugs. I had to ride it out like an unstoppable train on a bumpy track. I walked to class feeling beaten. Other people talked and laughed.
I spent most of my day trying not to think about how I’d done too much too soon, how I’d derailed a train in motion and lost all chance at ever making it to some final stop with Avery in tow some acceptable place to part ways without negativity or pain.
That connection with that song sort of waned and I knew I was seeing it harshly, it was just my mistake. Avery hadn’t lured me to hurt me. None of it was intentional, nevertheless she wanted me away.
I wanted to be with her. That’s all I wanted. I shouldn’t have let my head push me into thinking she would leave me no matter what I did.
It was hard to cope with what I’d done. That kiss was so soon into knowing her. I let my libido speak for me and it had been dumb.
On lunch I didn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t see her. I needed to give her enough space. I was the one who should remove myself, not the other way around. I was the offender, you could say.
I walked to the theater thinking that maybe I could sit down and play.
The door was unlocked but when I stepped in I saw her.
My feet froze and so did my heart.
Defiant and not knowing why, I quietly walked to the front of the auditorium. It looked to me like maybe she was going to play and I longed to hear her, I longed for everything she had, I longed for her to just touch me again.
I got lucky. She didn’t see me. I watched her hover over the keys. She was feeling something, possibly a song.
I stared on, completely captured by her.
Then she opened her eyes and saw.
I was a deer caught in headlights. Stupid me. Always watching her.
She looked up and she saw. I saw something in her face, maybe surprise, maybe confusion, either way, it wasn’t relief.
I spun instantly, taking myself away.
She called after me but I
couldn’t take another stab at letting her down. I had to get out of there, had to just go.
I ditched school, ditched Ben’s classes.
I was getting worse.
I was almost done. My grades were set. There was no way I could fail. I was just spinning wheels to seem normal. My parents wanted me to be on a normal track like the rest of the kids my age. They held me back. They always did.
In my car I felt lonely. I drove that route again, past the office, past the church, past the vet, and past the park.
When I got to the Shell I turned the way Ben Bradford had. Then I swiveled and drove, taking his turns just the same, a sick feeling in my stomach tried to bite me but I pushed it away.
When I got to her street I drove slowly. I pulled up across from her house and parked my car just where Mr. Bradford’s had been.
Those were her windows, her walls. That was her door, her house.
It was symbolic in a way, almost hurtful. I couldn’t go in.
Once I realized what I’d done I sped off feeling rage-filled and dangerous.
Usually when I got this way I’d go see Nat.
But I couldn’t. Not after Avery…
Nat was a game. I never realized I was playing a game with her until Avery came along.
I parked near Nat’s house and sent her a message.
Olivia: I need to talk to you. In person.
Since she was home-schooled, at times like these she was usually available. Even a lot of her gigs were night gigs and Nat liked to party.
Just as I thought, it didn’t take her long to reply.
Nat: I’m at home, swing on by.
I sat waiting. I wondered how lame it would be to just walk in right now without more than a 30 second heads-up.
Then I realized I shouldn’t care.
I got out of the car and walked up to her door. My hand touched at the knob like it had done so many other times.
Days like this sometimes we’d stay together for hours in her room. Days like this she’d torture me slowly refusing to let me have sweet release. She was too good at that game.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 11