I walked to her room and opened the door.
“That was fast,” she smiled, turning to see me. I hung in the doorway, probably looking wrecked. I was wearing jeans, which I rarely did. And I hadn’t showered last night; I’d only managed to wash my face. I was finished with trying.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I just needed to do this in person.”
“Do what?” Her smile teased me. Those sweet smile lines of hers were addicting but, for me, this wasn’t true love.
“Can I come in?” I asked. I never liked closing the door behind myself unless it was okay with the people inside.
“Livia,” she laughed. “You’re such a weirdo.” I felt her pull at my shirt until my body hit hers. Against my wanting them too, my nipples came to life. I felt them scrape against her beneath my shirt.
My eyes rolled to the left and then closed as I sighed.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
“Yes, you can,” she pushed. She thought this was part of it but it wasn’t this time.
“I met someone,” I said.
“Lemme guess, that princess girl?” Nat was never threatened, it was my favorite thing about her, and she always knew that no matter what she was the hot one and no one else could compare. But love tends to take sides. The person you love will always be the most beautiful, they will always win.
I pulled my hands up to hers and forced her to let go of me. “Avery,” I said, turning away.
“Okay Livia. You can calm down. Come sit by me.”
“I shouldn’t,” I said, walking back to the door and leaning my shoulder into it to keep distance so the talk would be real.
“Why are you being like this? You’ll just come back to me, you always do.”
“No, I realized something,” I sighed. “I’ve been using you.”
“What?!” Natalie laughed. Not a small laugh but a huge one. “Are you kidding?”
“No. I’m not,” I said, unamused. I wished I was kidding. I’d hate myself less. “I needed you. I needed what you did to me.”
“Okay, Olivia,” she never said my real name. It was always Livia. Always. “You can take it down a notch. I get it, you think you’re done.” There was never a point with us where she didn’t find me amusing.
“I don’t think I’m done. I just see us now. I see what I made us be.”
“You didn’t make us be anything,” she said, lying for me, frustrated by me. She was always excusing me, always giving me an out. Her hair was down and she was playing with it. She had model hair, big and beautiful, full of volume and always with a life of it’s own. I tried not to fixate on how pretty it was and downcast my gaze.
“You tried to be more with me but I pushed you away. And instead of dealing with that in a normal way we both took it somewhere else or, at least, I did.”
“Okay,” she said, raising her hands up in surrender, just to get me to stop.
Despite her attempts I pushed on. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean—”
“Livia.” She stopped me and laughed uncomfortably. “I’ve been taking these things out on you for months now, really. Stop.”
“I think I love someone,” I said. “I’ve never felt like this before.”
In the pit of my stomach I felt guilt. What if Nat loved me?
That’s stupid though, right? She could never. Not with the way…
“Hey,” she said, standing up and walking to meet me. “I don’t want you to feel bad. There are two of us here. If you’re in love, then, that’s great. Sucks for me,” she made light, adorably. “But it’s great.”
“I can’t help—”
“Livia, please,” she said, pulling me into her and hugging me close. I was smaller than her, smaller than most I guess. She tangled her hand up into my hair and held me against her. She knew that contact would quell me awhile.
We hadn’t been tender much since I first started making everything about sex. I sort of missed it. I missed the real her.
“I’m sorry anyway,” I said, hugging her back.
“Okay. Then, I’m sorry too.”
After that she pulled away from me. I watched her go back and sit down on her bed.
She seemed quiet. Less amused.
“Do you think we can be friends?”
It seemed stupid to ask.
She looked up at me with tears hanging in her eyes. I’d rattled her.
“We always were,” she smiled, a hurt scoff escaping her.
I’d fucked up. This was all me. All I had to do was stop her any number of those times she was aggressive but I never did. Maybe she wanted me to... I’d ruined us. I could tell from the way she acted. It really was all me.
I walked back over to her and sat down by her side. Then I let my body fall back on her bed, I felt her hand slip into mine, and I squeezed. I looked up at her and smiled for real like I had when we first met. I had tears in my eyes too. She looked down on me and let out a long sigh.
“It’s okay,” she said, with love, rubbing my tears away gently with her thumb. I felt my eyes close as I let that sink in. Her hands on my skin helped with everything. I wasn’t alone.
Then the tiredness hit me like a solid brick wall and I slept.
Chapter Sixteen
Avery
Saturday I woke up around noon. Mom was actually up before me and I could tell that it was hard for her, being in a world without the thing that kept her numb. I showered and threw on some clothes. She was in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and a stack of pamphlets.
I got my own coffee and sat down across from her, waiting for her to say something. Her hands played with the slick photo paper on the table. I could see them shaking, not from cold or fear but from withdrawal.
“They’re all starting to look the same,” she said.
I gave her a small smile and reached out to take her hand, stilling the tremors. She met my eyes, such sadness and pain. I could feel it echoed in me. “I know.” I reached over with my other hand and pulled the pamphlets toward me. “But this one has a pool.” I spun the folded paper around, opening it. “And look, they’ve got some really rad flamingos on the lawn.”
She chuckled. The first time I’d heard her really laugh in forever. “Well, that’s a plus, I guess.” Her smile dissolved into a tight line. “This isn’t going to be easy.” She grabbed my other hand and forced me to look up. “You should go stay with your Aunt Pat until your father gets here.”
I shook my head, immediately. “What? No, I’m staying with you.” Dad was coming home.
My head swam and my stomach dropped. “Why does he have to come back? I’ll be fine.” I pleaded with her, unable to imagine what it would be like to have him back. “I’ve practically been on my own for three years,” I snapped.
“Honey,” Mom said, turning to me.
I dropped her hands and bit my tongue. She hadn’t been like my Mom in years. Why did she have to start now? “His tour isn’t even up. Why is he coming home?”
She sighed and leaned across the table. “I called and informed his command about my… Situation.”
“You didn’t have to do that!” I pushed my chair back, collapsing in on myself. We had managed just fine. Dad used to be nice. He used to be playful and generally happy. Strict but fair, that was how I remembered life before. After Adam he just shut down. I think he would rather be working than be with us and have to remember. I hated him for that.
Mom scooted over, closer to me, but I wouldn’t look at her. “Yes, I did. You need a real parent here and I can’t be that right now. Listen, I know this is hard and things have been rough between all of us but I talked to your Father on the phone last night and he’s going to be here next week.”
I clenched my jaw and shook my head, still unwilling to accept this change. I just wanted to be left alone. Now, I had all this shit with Dad coming back and Ben… and Olivia. It was too much.
“He’s going to take me to rehab and then he’s going to be home. At least until I com
e back and probably for longer.”
Her words were just hitting me now and I had no defense. I wanted to strike out and yell. Scream at her that this wasn’t fair but I couldn’t. He was going to be here when I came back from the ski trip. They probably planned it like that so I wouldn’t be here when Mom left.
I just shoved back, letting the chair fall with a smack to the floor. When I made it to the front door I didn’t even look back. I just slammed it and ran down the driveway to my car. I drove with no destination in mind, rambling this way and that.
But I ended up at the lake. The entire forty-five minute drive I just tried not to think but it was impossible. I kept seeing Mom’s face, guilty and apologetic and it made me want to burn up. I parked in the lot and got out. No one was here in the dead of winter on a cloudy day.
The dock creaked as I stepped on. My shoes made little sounds on the wood as I walked to the end. I hadn’t dealt with anything. All my actions up to that kiss on the piano bench had been meant to cover up that I even possessed feelings. I wanted them gone now that they were painfully obvious.
I couldn’t handle feeling like this and I could feel my body becoming distant. Like I was on a frozen river that was breaking up and I could see myself standing on a broken piece of ice floating away down the river while my heart and mind stayed in one place.
I stared into the water, sitting down on the edge of the dock, weaving my body through the railing until the only thing holding me back from falling in was one slat of wood. I didn’t like the distance growing between my body and mind.
Did I exist here? I leaned back, lulled by the quiet lapping sounds of the water. The sky was steel grey and darker clouds were moving over, heavy and threatening. I needed something, a way to wake myself up from this dream. My Dad was coming home, My Mom was leaving, and my heart was trying to love without my permission.
I reached down, and pulled the hem of my long sleeve t-shirt up, pulling it all the way off. When I turned back around to face the shore I tossed my shirt down. With trembling cold hands I reached down and pushed my sweatpants off, toeing off my shoes and then my socks.
I was down to my bra and underwear. The cold air made gooseflesh rise all over my body but instead of letting myself get whipped by the wind I climbed over the railing and stared down at the dark water. Then, I dove.
When I hit the water I didn’t feel it. Once I came up for air, my body realized what I’d done, the water shocking me into an awareness of every nerve ending that I owned, I took off swimming, as fast as I could, toward the middle of the lake. I could barely see the other shore when I was standing on the dock but now I just powered toward it, racing for no one, punishing myself with each violent stroke.
I swam until my lungs hurt and the tension in my head lessened and when I felt like I couldn’t go anymore I just stopped, treading water in the middle of the lake. I looked back at the shore and then up at the sky. Snowflakes were drifting down. Small flurries fell all around me and I felt a warmth slide down my face. I was crying. My breath hitched.
I didn’t know if I could make it back to shore but a little well of panic rose inside me. On a normal day this would be no problem but it was cold today, too cold.
If I just sank down away under the water…
But I couldn’t.
I had to go back. I started off, making my legs work to propel me through the water. My arms burned but I kept going, slowly progressing and trying not to think about what I was doing.
All the while, the snow grew heavier and my body went numb. An illusion of warmth took hold of me. The dock jutted a hundred feet out over the water and it started to come within my reach. I made myself think about the feeling of the wood under my hands. It helped me not to give up.
I slung my arm out in one last push and my fingers felt the slippery texture of underwater wood. My fingers wrapped around the support and I pulled myself in, resting. If I didn’t get out of the water now I might freeze to death. Little-by-little, I went from one wooden support to another until I could get to the ladder leading up to the top of the dock.
My frozen feet slipped but I held on by my fingertips until I could get back onto the ladder. Each rung was a victory until I reached the top and hoisted myself over the side, rolling onto the dry wood and letting out a choked laugh.
Snow hit my exposed body and I rolled over, scrambling up and praying that I hadn’t harmed myself with my foolishness. When I got to my clothes I fumbled, getting them separated and in a position to put on. I tried to pull my shirt on again but it was dry, I was wet and I couldn’t feel my fingers. My pants went on better and I only almost fell over once.
My socks were the worst. I grew angrier by the second, trying to force them on over my feet. My shoes slid over my socks like always. I shivered, unable to control the violence of it all. My keys were in my pant pocket and I rushed for the car, reveling in the thought of the heater inside.
I stumbled when I got up but I managed to make it back out over the grassy expanse, to the lot, and into the car. I felt sleepy, tired and pained all over. I turned the car on and cranked up the heat. It was cold air but still warmer than my body. I waited for it to get better, laying my head back against the driver’s seat and pulling my legs up into my torso.
I had left the house without a coat or gloves. Stupid. But I’d been angry and in the moment, not thinking about what I was doing or where I was going. Driving seemed impossible at this point and I just wanted to feel better. Now, that I wasn’t numb on the inside I was numb on the outside. I reached out for my phone that was sitting on the passenger seat. Once I had it, I looked down at the screen.
There were messages from Ben.
Ben: Hey, can’t wait to see you. Don’t forget that I have a surprise for you.
Ben: Are you getting my messages?
Ben: Avery? This isn’t funny.
Ben: Call me… As soon as you get this.
Ben: Are you blowing me off again?
I ignored them, wanting someone who didn’t want things from me. I pulled up Olivia’s name, my fingers hovering over the screen. If I texted her would she even answer? She didn’t seem to want anything to do with me but I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to be with right now.
I hit the text icon and started to type furiously. Even if she didn’t answer this I would feel better having sent it. My chest felt tight and I swallowed, trying to breathe normally. The heat was starting to thaw me out a little and my fingers and toes were hurting with the return of sensation.
Avery: Hey. I know this is weird but I’m not doing okay right now. Can you come get me? I’m at Baskin Lake. North dock.
Before I could stop myself I sent the text and curled the phone into my body, crossing my arms and closing my eyes. Exhaustion settled over me and I tried to stay awake but the air was so warm and I was so achy.
I drifted, my body relaxing into sleep. I didn’t even feel the phone vibrate over and over.
Chapter Seventeen
Olivia
On Saturdays I usually have energy. This weekend would be different though, I was pretty much drained and my parents weren’t around to make me wanna flee.
I wasn’t tired, more like unmotivated in every little way. I thought about Friday night, waking up on Nat’s bed with her spooning me and holding me close at around 11 o’clock.
My body ached from doing nothing about the fact that Avery was out there somewhere possibly feeling upset that I’d run away from her twice.
Then I remember that maybe I wasn’t the only person in the world and that woke me right up.
Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe Avery wasn’t mad at me but she wasn’t obsessed with me like I was with her.
I can’t even tell you the number of times I thought, but if she cared at all she would text me.
Needless to say, I thought it too much.
Halfway through the day I was finally accepting of the fact that I was being too hard on myself.
I made my wa
y to the grand piano in the music room and decided to just unwind and let myself play.
Best decision of my life. I played for hours. It was more than therapeutic, it was whimsical.
I zoned-out completely. Went somewhere else. Had a world of emotions to undo.
Then my phone buzzed and surprised me. I looked out at the world and saw that it was already getting dark. Large storm clouds had swung in. Rain, slush, something was happening out there.
On my phone, it was Avery.
My heart jumped.
I clicked on the message to read and couldn’t believe what I saw.
Avery: Hey. I know this is weird but I’m not doing okay right now. Can you come get me? I’m at Baskin Lake. North dock.
All of a sudden, it wasn’t happiness I felt, it was panic.
I got up so fast I didn’t even have time to register the fact that Avery had messaged me of all people. It wasn’t until I was in the car, driving recklessly up that long road nearing Baskin Lake that it started to settle in. Avery had messaged me. Not Ben. Not anyone else.
I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up.
All that time I had been thinking, maybe she loved someone once? Maybe there’s more I just don’t know?
Now I wasn’t sure. Now I felt ill for ever assuming someone else might be better to watch her or take care.
My thoughts were dark as I drove. What if she had no one? What if she really had no one?
The heaviness of my foot frightened me as I neared the dock where I thought she might be. I let up just a bit. I’d be no good to either of us dead. And if I hit someone I couldn’t be aware for her either.
Light snow was falling but it wasn’t quick enough to worry me.
As my car slowed I saw her car parked a little ways up on the road. It was near the dock and I could see exhaust streaming out of the tail pipe.
It’d been nearly an hour since she sent her text. I realized rather quickly that I was a little bit crazy. She dropped a note and I arrived.
I felt self-conscious but I pulled my car up next to hers and got out all the same. My heart sank though when she didn’t look over at me through the window.
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