My hands itched with the urge to touch her again. “You can’t say things like that to me. It makes me think that something’s possible. I admit that it’s different with you than anyone else but I always want to be around you. I just know I’m not good for you.” I reached down and ran my fingers over her hair. It was splayed on the pillow, dark and inviting. It was the closest I could get to touching her without the temptation of continuing what we had started earlier.
“You wouldn’t love me if you knew me and I don’t think I can let you know more.” There, I’d said the thing that really kept me from giving in to her.
“Okay, you don’t know that,” she said. “And I have secrets too, ya know? Things you should know. Things I’m scared to say. Things I’m so ashamed of I don’t even like knowing them myself. Every time I open my mouth around you I feel like I might ruin whatever this is you’re allowing us to have. Like I’ll say the wrong thing and you’ll just up and leave me for good.”
I kept playing with her hair, hoping for some courage to say the thing that would end this forever. My secret and its shame would make her turn from me but I wanted to know her more before she left me there, wishing I was a better person for her.
“I’m ashamed of how I let things get with Natalie,” she opened up more. “I kind of taught her that it was okay to be violent with me. It was but it wasn’t. I felt like I used her. When I realized what I’d made of us I felt sick.”
I sucked in a quick breath, ceasing the actions of my hand in her hair. “Violent how? She hit you?”
“I dunno how to explain,” she said sadly.
“Or was it like I told you that guy I was seeing did with me?” It was the easiest way to bring it up again. She had given me a reason to mention it.
“Okay, how about this for embarrassing,” she blushed in an unhappy way. She was trying to find something that could compare with whatever it was I was hiding. “Last time I had an orgasm it was probably because of you.”
“Wait, what?” I edged closer, not even thinking. The warmth of her beside me and her words were drawing me in. “How?” I let out a small laugh.
“I dunno how,” she laughed, amused by herself. “I’d just seen you. I was upset. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’d done things. I felt sick…” She paused for a second. “Usually when I get upset I need release and that’s hard for me to do on my own. I’m not like you I don’t have outlets for that, for my anger, my confusion, my stress. I like music but my parents don’t want me to play. It’s just all in me and I can’t get it out.” She seemed sort of upset and definitely nervous to talk to me this way. “Anyway, so I went to her. We weren’t together for more than ten minutes. I’d trained myself to go to her. I’d trained her to sort of… Attack me when I did.”
“How was that about me?”
“I told her,” Olivia said. “I told her I’d just seen you and she used it. I think… I think she could tell, that I liked you, that I wanted you. She told me I must be into you because I’m never that wet for her.”
My stomach flipped. Somehow being the source of her physical release, even through another person, was the most provocative thing I’d ever heard. I rose over her, pushing myself into her body. “Is that true?”
“Which part?” She asked.
There was no stopping my words from getting away from me. “That I make you wetter than she did?” I was close now, my lips parting to let a breath escape. I’m sure she could feel my exhale on her skin.
“Yes,” she said quietly, turning her face away and blushing a fierce red.
I stared down at her in wonder but I wanted her to look at me. Her sudden shyness was killing me. “Look at me.” I slid my hand up her neck and onto her cheek, gently turning her face toward me. “I’d hate myself even more if I hurt you. Do you get that?”
“You hurt me more when you say no,” her chin quivered. “But I get it I guess. If you don’t want me. If you can’t.”
“I do want you. So much. That’s what makes this suck so much,” I whispered. With all the feeling I could gather, I leaned down and kissed her, knowing that it would probably be the last time and not caring if it gave her the wrong idea. I was selfish. I wanted her too much to not take just a little bit more before it was over.
It was sweet and slow. I nudged her lips open and lost myself in her for a few moments more. When I pulled back her eyes blinked open and I sighed. “I have to tell you something.” I took my hand away from her face and leaned back so that we were barely touching. “The guy I told you about. He’s not just a guy. It’s Ben, Mr. Bradford.” I wanted to bury my head under the comforter and never come out but I at least owed her my attention.
“Avery,” I heard her sigh a burdensome sigh. “I already know.”
My heart seized in my chest. “How? Does anyone else know?” I pushed myself off the bed and backed away. Everything was closing in on me. Fear shot through me. Had they planned this? Were her feelings even real?
“No one else knows,” she got up to comfort me but I moved away.
“No,” I said, putting a hand out. “I saw you two together earlier. What is this?” I couldn’t even hear the answer. I didn’t want to. Because if my paranoid brain was right I was in trouble. He had set up the interview. He had been alone with her so many late afternoons in the journalism room.
I just wanted to go on like we had before, as friends, but she kept pushing it, making me feel more for her. Did he know? Ben was just screwed up enough to have played us off of each other.
I kept backing away until my back hit the door. My hand fumbled behind me for the knob. “Did Ben put you up to this?” I didn’t know what to believe now.
“No, he doesn’t know I know! I only told you.” She tried coming closer again. She was crying. My anger scared her.
The truth was that I’d spent so much time denying that I had feelings for her that I hadn’t realized that she had the power to crush me, just like I was afraid I would do to her.
It was my turn to leave. I turned the knob and pushed the door open, thinking about how many times we had both left one another without a proper explanation. I wanted to tell her that I’d stopped seeing him and it was because of her. I wanted her to know that I might be falling for her too but I wasn’t sure what I could do about it other than run.
“I think it’s better if I go. I don’t know what this is and I need some space.” I said it because it was true but also because I hoped that it would make her less likely to betray me if I didn’t let her see the sheer mix of anger and terror that was lighting up my mind.
I slipped out, watching her come forward after me. Her face was pained. I was hurting her again. I could feel that truth but there was no way I could take a chance right now. I needed to sort all of this out and I needed to get out of here.
I shut the door behind me and walked down the hall. Ben’s room was on the same floor as ours but back out in the main section at the other end. She wasn’t following me. Good. I turned toward my destination and walked on, dreading the sight of him.
The thought that I should postpone this till after dinner came to mind briefly but that would mean having to find somewhere to go and letting all these questions marinate inside of me. Instead, I knocked softly on his door.
“Just a minute.” His muffled voice came from inside.
My back stiffened and I took a cleansing breath. The door opened as soon as I’d let it out and Ben stood there in his dress pants, the buttons on his shirt only half done up.
“I need to talk to you,” I groused.
Before anyone could spot me, I pushed past him into the room and walked halfway in, turning on him.
“Well, look who’s back.” He grinned, not bothering to button his shirt the rest of the way.
He probably thought it would turn me on or something. It just made me sick that I’d ever thought he was hot.
“Olivia knows about us,” I threw out.
His eyes widened and he took a step b
ack.
“What?!”
“Did you put her up to doing that interview and tell her about us?”
I needed to know even if it was true. I could go from there. I would move on somehow. Damaged people are dangerous because we know how to survive.
“Avery, that’s crazy. Why would you even think that?”
“I saw you with her downstairs. You’re fucking her, aren’t you?”
If he said yes then this would be easier. I could write them both off and never have a reason to face my feelings for Olivia.
“Whoa,” he laughed, amused, holding his hands up. “Where is this coming from? Did she say that?”
“You’re not denying it. I know you wanted to at least. I could see it.”
“That’s because it’s ridiculous Avery. I don’t have to deny it but since you’re insisting. No. No. I swear. I did none of those things. Olivia’s amazing but her parents aren’t the kind of people you want to piss off.”
I shook my head, biting my lip. He was incredible. “So, the only reason you didn’t try with her was because her parents could get you in trouble. Is that why you were with me? Because I basically didn’t have a family and there was no one to find out and put you in jail?” I hated him but I still wanted to know that part of it wasn’t cheap.
“Avery, stop,” he said, pulling me and enveloping me in a forced hug. I couldn’t move my arms He had me trapped. “Calm down.”
“No,” I said. I tried to wiggle away but he had a good hold on me and all the leverage. “Let me go.” I struggled some more but he didn’t let up. His arms only got tighter. “Seriously! Ben… let me go.”
“Do I have to show you? Is that what this is? Is that what you want?” He seemed upset. More upset than he’d ever been. Something about the accusation set him off.
My face was pressed into his chest and I could barely move my arms at all. “You’re hurting me.” I tried to bend my knees and twist away but he spun me back around and pushed me onto the bed, following. His body was on top of mine, pressing me down, trapping me against the mattress.
“No, you’re hurting me, Avery. You have been ever since you started ignoring me. Let me remind you how good I can make you feel.”
“Get off of me,” I yelled, pushing his chest, but he was too strong and too heavy. I opened my mouth but he jammed his mouth over it, pressing my head into the soft bed. It was a weird feeling, to be under his control again but to actually care that it was happening. I had something to fight for now, even if I wasn’t sure what it was.
I bit his hand but he kept it there, bearing the pain in the effort to get his belt buckle undone without releasing me. His other hand had my wrists and he squeezed them until I couldn’t feel anything but the tourniquet of his grip.
I clamped down harder, wriggling my body with all the strength I had while he struggled to get his pants down. As I shifted, the tip of his finger slipped into my mouth and I clamped on with my incisors. He yelped and pulled his hand away allowing me to breathe… and to scream.
“HELP!”
I had no idea if anyone could hear me. These walls were probably made to not let much sound through. I tried to think of anything that could anchor me if I couldn’t get away. If this was going to happen and I was going to have to deal with being violated like this I needed something.
The only thing I could find was the feeling of Olivia. The words she’d said to me. The look on her face when she said the word love. She had been telling the truth. I think I had known that before but believing that someone could really feel that way for me was harder than assuming that they had betrayed me.
“HELP!”
I kept screaming but Ben kept fighting. He was going to win. I could feel it already. The way my mind began to shut down, so I could endure the humiliation, told me that I was about to give up. I was sinking down, down into the dark.
That’s when the banging started. Someone was at the door, trying to get in.
“You bitch,” Ben growled at me. He looked toward the door and I saw my chance. I brought my knee up to connect with his groin and pushed as hard as I could with my hands. He cried out in pain and fell to the floor, rolling over.
I scooted down the bed but he was quick, grabbing my foot. I tried to shake him off but he kept pulling, bringing me to my knees. The banging must have kept on but the rush of blood kept me from hearing anything else but my own breaths and my beating pulse.
I got up, kicking out with my leg at the same time that he yanked back on my pant leg. I fell into the door with considerable force, smacking my head on the hard surface. I struggled to recover, yanking on the doorknob and pulling. The door swung open as I fell with its push.
Instead of looking to see who was there I rushed out, knocking into the body blocking the door and taking off for the stairs but I wasn’t alone.
“Avery!!!”
Olivia was behind me, chasing me down. I couldn’t stop, not until I got far enough away from Ben. I made it to the stairwell access door and pushed it open. That’s when Olivia caught me. Her hand latched onto my wrist and I almost threw her down the stairs without thought. It didn’t matter who had grabbed me. I was in survival mode.
“Stop!” She ordered.
That snapped me out of it. I looked at her, struck by what had just happened. I’d never expected it to go there. Despite what I knew, how things had gotten with us when I didn’t care, if someone had ever asked me if Ben would do something like that I would have laughed. Now, I was just unable to process. I let her put her arm around me and lead me away.
Where she was taking me, I had no idea. It was Olivia and she was saving me… Again.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Olivia
I scared her. I shouldn’t have been so open. Of course she was scared. Worried even.
I guess I could’ve waited on telling her I knew about Ben. I just knew myself too well. I wasn’t going to be good at holding onto a secret like that anyway. I needed it to just be gone. Her confession was the perfect chance to dispose of it.
Not wanting to let her spiral downward on her own, I pushed out of the room and into the hall. I barely caught the last glimpse of her as she made her way into Ben’s room.
It was the worst thing she could do. The worst place she could be. Not because he was bad. Because she was in a mood to possibly self-sabotage. Was she really just going to fuck him to hurt me right now? I mean after everything we felt, everything she said?
Why would she go to him?
I couldn’t understand…
I stood there in the hall wanting to move but stopping myself.
It couldn’t hurt right? To listen?
I’d already done these horrible things.
Without much forethought I pushed myself forward, making slow steps down the hall toward his room. As I got closer I could hear their words.
Could it be possible that Ben was laughing?
“Olivia knows!” I heard Avery say.
I shouldn’t listen. I should be done with that.
It suddenly made sense for her to go with him. She probably thought Ben and I…
To tell you the truth, the thought sickened me now. Before I knew her it might not have. I’d like to think I’d never say yes to him but the truth was, I could never really know that for sure. I did like Ben before this, I always did. He was better than my parents and more than just a friend.
I turned onto the side wall until my shoulder blades hit it. Then I let my body fall down to the floor. I wanted her to leave him, to come out. I didn’t care if she saw me there. I knew she’d tell me what he said anyway.
I sat there listening. Just a little more. It’d be okay. I deserved it. I deserved to hear her assume the worst of me. That’s what I had done, sort of. When I didn’t know her, I mean. And wasn’t I so wrong?
“You’re not denying it!” I heard Avery yell.
“That’s because it’s ridiculous Avery.”
Okay. Enough was enough. I didn
’t need to hear this part. I didn’t need to hear him talk to her again like she was the one who was wrong. I hated when he talked to her. He never talked to me like that.
The person he was with her; I didn’t know that person.
I pulled myself up lazily and began to walk myself slowly back down the hall.
It seemed right to assume that Avery had every reason to hate me. I’d spied on her. Knew things when I shouldn’t.
I hated to think what she’d think of me when she finally came out of that room.
I was halfway down the hall when I heard it.
“HELP!!!”
It was Avery screaming.
My body froze.
I was waiting, waiting for anything more. Perhaps it was my ears? Perhaps I wanted her to need me.
Either way, I didn’t want to take the chance and be wrong. Her voice came again.
Fear gripped me but not before anger slapped me to move.
I turned quickly and made my way to Ben’s door. Throwing my body into it with such a force I hurt my shoulder and surprised myself. I thought it would be unlocked. She’d just entered.
I thought wrong. Pain shut through my body, I grimaced but I had no time. There wasn’t much I could do. I yelled for her and banged on the door with my fist. The sounds of a struggle came to me through the door and scared me to anger. If I made enough commotion he’d have to let up. But what if he didn’t? That thought got me loud.
Then the door disappeared from under my hands and Avery crawled out completely terrified and slammed right into me as she exited the room. I even noticed her yanking her pants up as she moved.
Ben’s door had flown open and she had fought to get out, crawling straight into me and pushing me back down before getting up and breaking out into a run. Behind her I saw him on the ground holding his crotch with his pants partially down and the red paint of rage on his face.
She ran into me with the force of her fear, I realized it as Ben’s eyes met mine, there was truth there in his face, an admission of guilt, I saw it flash, it sickened me but I had no time to feel sick.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 16