And now she was here. In front of me. Living. Breathing.
Panicking. Just like me.
She spoke, she was nervous. I’d made her do that. I really messed up.
I couldn’t think. How could I fix this?
All I knew was that I wanted to. I wanted to fix it, I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell her that no matter what YES I would want to be her friend. YES.
But then all that other stuff flooded back up inside me. She looked so hot in her workout clothes and we’d been fighting. Old habits die hard. I was too weak. If this had been Nat I would have already attacked her.
I shook my head back and forth trying to fight off the urge to pounce but it was there. An easy solution. It stared me straight in the face. It laughed and it taunted me.
She was before me again and she was apologizing. I was so sick of hearing her apologize when none of this was ever her fault or even bad. She’d done something nice and I’d made it mean.
I had a rush of anger and then strength.
“Just come ‘ere,” a low growl escaped me. I was pulling her in by her sweater. My hand fisted the fabric and I forced her to oblige.
As she fell right into me, and I stumbled back wards, the door slammed behind her, closing us in all alone.
I felt myself turn her body and push her into the wall with an unexpected force.
All of a sudden, I was the monster.
Something in me had randomly popped.
I had her up on the wall and I was kissing her but this time it wasn’t nice, this time I was hungry and needy, too greedy for my own fucking good. I just couldn't stand it. I needed her. Most of all I needed her to know that all her bullshit didn’t fucking scare me like she thought it would. I wasn’t scared. I was mad. She deserved so much better.
Better than him. Better than me.
I pushed myself into her, tasting her generously. I tugged at her bottom lip with my teeth.
I needed to stop. She tasted so good but this was enough. She’d know now.
I tugged at her clothes as I kissed her. I still wanted them gone.
It took all the strength I had to stop myself and turn my lips away just enough to get it together.
“I’m sorry,” I ached painfully, my blood pulsing for her, my hands grabbing along her sides and feeling her body beneath but trying to stop. I pushed my body into hers, it was more than a hug. My hands hung onto the pockets of her hoodie and I tugged at her. I needed to stop. “I’m sorry,” I whispered again, turning my eyes into her hair and trying to stop. It hurt too much to know what I’d done. And now I was going against her, going against all she wanted, all I said I wouldn’t do.
But then I felt her hands at my hips, pulling me to stay on her. I moved my head just enough. Her lips were so close, and her eyes.
I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t look up.
But then I felt the strangest thing. Her lips on my neck, pushing into me. She was kissing me. I felt it, felt the pressure of her there. She was kissing up as she pulled my body tight into hers, telling me to stay. “It’s not your fault,” she whispered curtly once her lips had made it high enough to reach my ear.
I felt her hands tug up on my tank and then creep underneath where the top of my pants met my skin.
This was her, not me. I wasn’t doing this and this was overt. Her hands slid up to my stomach and rubbed around to my back, completely taking me. She pulled to keep me and then pushed me back until I hit the opposite wall.
I whimpered as her lips and her body pushed into mine, this time trapping me.
God, she made me weak. If she wasn’t holding me up my knees would certainly give.
Both her hands were pushing at my rib cage and my stomach as she kissed me and then led her lips away, teasing me as she forced me to stay against the wall.
“I said, I can’t,” she smiled, mad at me.
I felt a need I’d never had. I wanted her to touch me more than anything now, to keep going, to shut me up. Instead she had me pinned and she was staring at me hungrily but doing nothing with me, doing nothing to me at all.
When she did this I felt so small but small for her and no one else. In that way it felt right.
Only Ben took control, right?
This was Avery, this was her. The way she touched, I knew, she’d been wanting to touch. She pushed in, her head near my neck again but not near enough. I heard her breathing me in. I wanted more.
“Please,” I begged, my eyes closing in desperation as I pathetically whispered knowing her ear was right close.
She’d done this to us. After everything, she’d booked us this room.
Her hands were still pushing me to stay against the wall and her body was leaning in as if at any second she could say yes and resume kissing me.
She was torturing me. I felt my life hung on this exchange. It was possible my whole life was for just this moment. Nothing else I ever did made me feel like maybe I could die now, entirely fulfilled, maybe this was it, my whole purpose for living. One short and perfect blast of life.
I was mad about it now. Too mad.
Here I was thinking she thought I hated her and now she was toying with me, playing another game. I didn’t want this to be like Natalie. I wanted to know that Avery wanted me just as much as I wanted her.
My hands flew up to her wrists and I struggled to pull her hands down off of me. When she wanted to be, Avery was surprisingly strong. I finally succeeded, because she let me succeed. I felt her body fall into mine and I heard her exhale, falling onto me. She used one hand on the wall to hold herself up and the other on the left side of my hip just to trap me. I’d stopped her from using her hands to keep me at a distance. I wasn’t having her fight me like this. Either she took over or I would. This wasn’t like me but I could just sense her waiting. If she didn’t want this it wouldn’t be happening right now, and that thought hit me real hard like a basketball to the face. She kept caging me like I was too wild. Stopping me, but only a little, while in turn she took what she liked and allowed herself to feel free.
The overall injustice became more than I could bear. I took my hands to her sides and pushed her body back again. She fell back against the opposing wall, her head hitting and her eyes rolling as her smile grew.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked, needing to know. She couldn’t look at me but I could sure as hell look at her.
If she got to play, so did I. It was simple as that.
I remembered the other night after the lake. I remembered undressing her and thinking: hmm, maybe this girl really does just want to die.
I couldn’t have this. I couldn’t have her pretending she was somewhere else, not with me.
As I stared at her, expecting an answer, an answer never came. She was looking away, treating me like some not-so-real entity, possibly a joke, possibly a harasser.
“Fine,” I said, tugging my hands down on the hem of her hoodie before yanking it hard up her body and watching her help me to lead it off. “Ya know what, you don’t have to talk. Just as long as you’re really here Avery. And I know you are. Wanna know how?”
I leaned forward right into her, pinning her against the wall once again. Once I had them back, I used my hands to lightly touch her naked sides and feel her feeling me. Her breathing intensified.
I leaned my head back, watching her. Her eyes darted to mine and then away. I couldn’t tell if she was scared or happy. I couldn’t tell if this was good or bad.
So I did what I wanted. I squat down, leading my hands back down and laying a kiss on her bare stomach and then another and another. I wanted to kiss her everywhere. Every time my lips brushed her soft skin, her stomach sucked in and I heard her struggle to try and be still.
Her cold sweat tasted amazing. Without warning I started to lick.
But then her hands came down and pulled me up by my arm pits. I felt like to her I was some light little doll.
The next thing I knew she was leading me back to the bed and I was falling back on it.
I felt my mind flood away. My lips twitched up briefly into a smile. Then she overtook me and I was desperate for it. She kissed me so hard that when she finally let up just a bit I had to gasp.
I pushed on her chest to warn her that it might be too much. When she didn't let up I let my nails dig into her skin just a bit. That worked, I felt her lips start to slow. My hand gripped hard on her shoulder, my lips were begging her to calm down and kiss me slow and feel me.
It was like we were winding down, only together. When we finally reached the pace I’d been craving, I simultaneously whimpered and gasped in her mouth, my hand sliding to her neck and pulling to keep her this way. Telepathically, I was asking her: please.
I felt her too much when she kissed me like that. It wasn’t like any kissing I’d ever done.
With Avery it was sunrises and free-falling. The feelings you get when you feel like maybe for a second you’re floating and maybe for a second that’s where you should be. A feeling like that, you want to keep it, you don’t want it to fade. The fear of it ending was draining, it terrified me.
When she pushed into me with her hand on my skin, I whimpered some more. Her slow kisses were so much better than her fast ones. And her slow touches too. They were better. She dismantled me.
I just wanted to go so slow I could feel it. But feeling all of it was definitely hard.
There wasn’t a device in the world that could slow me down enough to really capture her and take her in. I wanted to feel her like that. I wanted to know everything she knew and be able to comfort her and tell her she was safe. If I could be anything I’d be a sponge. I’d turn her liquid and hold her inside.
Her hand on my side let up just enough and she lightly pushed into me, taking more care than I’d ever had.
“Mmmmm,” I hummed, as she finally slowed down just enough to allow me to rightly taste what it was I’d been wanting all along, this connection with her, this need. I felt her hand slide up my neck and cup my face lovingly. She whimpered back too. My eyes shut tight; I was overwhelmed by the pleasure of knowing she was really feeling me now, really here. This wasn’t a dream. This was Avery. I heard the song: dancing triplets, emotional swells.
This was gentle. Not angry.
This wasn’t her needing release or her thinking that she was just going to get this over with and be done.
She was like me right now, living in it, asking for it.
It felt so good I wanted to cry with relief every time her lips and her tongue asked for mine once again. She had me dazed and addicted. I’d crawl at her feet just for this, just forever. I wouldn’t care who knew. Not if it were real. Not if she’d let it be.
When she finally parted us and leaned up just a bit, probably to just breathe, I gasped, breathless too, missing her too much and needing her again. I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to live in this, forever and ever and never have to wake up to a different time or a different us.
I wondered how long we spent. Was that minutes or seconds? Hours or days?
My eyes were closed but I was fully aware she was probably watching me, staring down.
“What is it?” I asked, brows furrowing as I moved to open my eyes. “Why’d you stop?” I felt paralyzed. We had finally gotten to a point where she was doing exactly what she wanted to do. It hurt to see her there just paused. She was obviously torn between this and that. It wasn’t something I wanted to see but it was Avery, so, to me, it was important, more important than anything else. I always told myself I wouldn’t be this person who pushed her to do something she didn’t really want to do.
“We have dinner,” Avery said. But to me it sounded a lot like: I can’t.
Her hands had my top balled inside them. I hadn’t realized she’d been pushing me down this whole time. She had me swaddled by my tank.
This was ending now. She’d called it quits. It was going to end.
I let my hands fall down to her knees and I closed my eyes as I slowly ran my fingers up both of her legs and nearly hummed at how good it felt to have her trapping me like this in such a sexual way.
“I have to tell you something,” I realized. My throat felt sore but I licked my lips and tasted the absence of her and the memory still, thank God. My heartbeat in my chest felt hard, jumpy, and strange.
“Oh yeah, what?” She smiled. I think she was relieved I wasn’t mad about her insistence we stop.
“I didn’t say this before, ‘cause I wanted you to stay no matter what but… I didn’t break up with Natalie because I cheated,” that muscle twitched in my neck as I turned my head to the side and looked up, side-eyeing Avery quickly. I was scared to say this but she’d been so open with me that I wanted to try.
If I was smart I would just shut up. I was so used to being smart. It was time to just be brave.
“What happened then?” She asked. She was still panting from everything, still in recovery mode. For a moment she seemed a lot like herself. She wasn’t dodging me or putting on a show.
I wondered if she was even aware that she was still trapping me. I had long ago surrendered to her. I’d surrender every day. I wanted her to keep me.
“Avery I…” I took my hand to my face and rubbed it. If I could pause time and she couldn’t see me I’d full on slap myself just for the strength. Bravery. That’s what I lacked. Bravery. For her I needed to be brave. I thought of the words, of saying them. It seemed stupid right now but I had to I just had to.
“Vi,” she said. I felt her hands twist on the fabric again and lightly lift my shoulders and head. She dropped me down, shaking me softly and just enough.
She was saying: whatever it is, I can take it. Just tell me. Just tell me, please.
I had to believe that. I had to just trust.
“I think I’m in love with you,” I said.
The words tumbled out of me as if they were always meant to be out wandering in the unpredictable air. I felt them surround her and I wondered if she’d gather them up. Would she like them? Would she care?
There was no question in my mind, if she had ever said those words to me I’d hurry to collect them. What if they hit someone else? What if they got lost? I’d need them with me, inside me. I’d swallow them up.
I knew I didn’t have the strength to see how she’d taken those words. But I felt her hands loosen on the fabric of my shirt. I felt hesitation in her, the presence of unspoken thoughts.
I laid beneath her waiting for any kind of reaction, any kind of a sign that maybe I wasn’t alone and maybe this was all more than just another game.
We’d already had another day I never would’ve dreamt of. And I wanted her to know, that I felt for her, that this wasn’t just sex, not for me anyway. For me this was so much more.
Every moment we had was important. Every look. Every breath.
That’s how it felt with her. I’d never felt this before.
Normal friends didn’t do what we were doing. But this wasn’t like with Nat. I wasn’t using Avery. I really did want to keep her, to have her. I wanted for her to want me just the same. But if she didn’t, I’d still want to love her. Not in a forceful way but in any way she’d want and let me.
I realized, far too late, that I might’ve just ruined everything that we’d haphazardly built.
Some people hear love and just know. They think: that’s not what I feel. This; us? We’re not the same.
My body lay beneath hers and I knew again, I was utterly powerless.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Avery
“I think I’m in love with you.”
Panic. Alarms in my mind. My hands released their grip on her and I just sat up, straddling her body and looking down at her. She wasn’t really looking at me. She was probably scared. This was my fault.
“Do you know what you’re saying?”
I rolled off of her and onto the other side of the bed, bringing my
hands up to my face for a moment and then pushing my hair back. She was quiet and I stared at the ceiling. It was fine if I felt more for her but not the other way around.
“I wouldn't say it if it wasn’t something I know,” she was convinced.
I shifted, raising up and propping myself on one elbow. “That’s not a word to play around with.” Exhaustion set in from my run and the heavy make out session we had just engaged in. “What does that word even mean to you?”
“It means far more than I can easily say,” she explained.
I shook my head. “That’s not answering my question.” She had to mean something else. There was no way she could love me after a few weeks. I wanted to believe it was possible but I didn’t even know what I felt. The tangled mess of my emotional state tightened inside of me, making me feel like I couldn’t breathe. It had to be a crush or she wasn’t thinking right after breaking up with her girlfriend. I could break her if I wasn’t careful.
“I’ve never felt like this for another person Avery. I could talk about how this feels for hours and days. There’s no right place to start and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You’re not making me uncomfortable,” I lied. It might not be an easy subject for me but I wanted to understand. “Have you ever been in love?” I asked her.
“No. Not like this.”
She was looking at me now. Her eyes cut into me. She had a way of directing their intensity for maximum effect. There were so many things she made me feel but I didn’t know their names.
“See, I’ve never been in love. I don’t DO love. But I know I want you and I feel better when I’m around you. I want to make sure that you know it’s not just you. But I’m an asshole and you need someone who knows what all of those feelings mean.” And I’ve got too many secrets.
“You’re the only person I’ve ever craved in my life,” she said plainly. “I’ve been consumed by you. My thoughts… When you’re not around me it hurts me, I can’t stop thinking about you. When you are around me I’m frightened you don’t want to be. When you’re not touching me I think it means something. When you are touching me I can’t get enough. It’s complicated Avery. I’ve never felt like this. Not for anyone.”
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 15