Paper Dolls, Book One

by Emma Chamberlain

  I held the back of her head with my hand and knew I was more than close to coming undone.

  “I love when you fuck me,” I said, so close I could feel it. “You’re not like anyone else.” I needed her to know.

  Then my legs and arms and hands all squeezed as she pushed into me hard and I saw black behind my eyes turn to light. My body froze as she held it completely, carrying me with relative ease, and turning me out.

  “Holy, hell,” I finally breathed as I felt myself coming down from her. She was going slowly now, taking care, she must’ve felt my body release, tense, and change “You’re too good at that,” I said, shaking my head and pulling her body to crash into mine.

  “I’m glad you think so since it was only my second time.” She combed back some unruly strands of her hair. “I never realized how crazy you are.”

  “Does it scare you?” I gasped, still trying to catch my breath. My kind of crazy was like a hot boiling kettle. Most the time I was just building up, just getting ready to randomly blow.

  “Nope,” she teased. “You’re pretty cute when you get all bossy.”

  “I’m sorry I did that,” I said. “I couldn’t- I couldn’t think.” And I was still having trouble breathing but now it was for different reasons.

  “Any time you need to not think, that’s cool with me.” The whole fact that she was still holding me made me feel like a priceless treasure.

  “I think I can eat now,” I laughed.

  “That was better than food,” Avery smiled and laughed too.

  She was getting the real me. The girl with problems and moods. The girl who was comfortable with her enough to ask for things.

  After that I felt my whistling kettle-strength steam vanish down until it carried only the basic strength of a cigarette puff through a lazy dawdling smoker’s mouth. My anger and fear all but evaporated.

  As soon as she lowered me down I kissed her deeply and thanked her over and over again.

  To my surprise, she did not seem angry. She actually smiled and kept on saying it was fine.

  I couldn’t believe I’d brought us back to the room after forcing her to leave.

  It was rude of me. I felt controlling.

  When I apologized again she wouldn’t hear it. I’d frustrated her so much today, I was sure.

  We dressed again and went back to the restaurant.

  It was like a do-over, a take-two.

  This time I felt collected and strong, more optimistic, more ready.

  “I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t need to do that.” I finally said. We’d been quiet and sitting. We had our same table. It was almost like they knew we’d be back.

  “Oh,” Avery said.

  “This is why I thought I should be alone. I’m no good to you like this. I’m too emotional.” Like this, I’m snippy and careless. I say stupid things.

  "That's ridiculous,” she said. “You don't have to be anything other than how you feel. I don't expect you to always be one way for me."

  “Besides,” she said. “You're still good to me.” I had no idea what she was really thinking. I can’t see anyone actually enjoying me like this. My parents would’ve sent me away a long time ago and I rarely speak to them to begin with when we’re out so that’s saying a lot.

  Not to mention I’m not in a sexual relationship with them. I didn’t beg them to fuck me.

  Okay, that thought just got weird, but you know what I mean.

  The thoughts come, I shake them off.

  The waitress came by and took our order. Avery ordered a cheeseburger and french fries with a coke. I ordered an Italian iced coffee and a spring roll appetizer with mango, shrimp, and vermicelli inside just to start. But I followed that quickly with a main dish of healthy capellini pomodoro, fresh tomatoes, basil, and finally a side salad of papaya, crabmeat, and artichoke hearts just in case I needed something more. After the night and morning we just had I felt ravenous. The worst part about it though was that I couldn’t order wine. To do that on a school trip in public would just be stupid. But a glass of red could really hit the spot about now. That was the only thing that could make me feel more perfect than I already felt. Avery had taken care of me and she had done so without anger or pain.

  I clutched at my stomach and settled a little just thinking of all that good food on the way.

  “Okay, what the hell did you just order?” Avery joked. I hadn’t even realized she’d been listening.

  “Just food,” I smiled. It was cute. Avery ordered the exact same thing I thought to order her when I dragged her out to the Inn on the Hill all those days ago. Back then I'd stopped myself. I could see how she would think that was offensive, and not just to order for her but to order her that. It would’ve been just as offensive as her thinking I only ate things like caviar or escargot. But now I knew my intuition had been right all along and that warmed me a little. I liked when I could read her. She wasn’t simple she just knew what she liked and I loved that about her. “They’re known for their Italian here, even in the pub, but I can never pass up a spring roll.”

  “You’re weird,” she said, pulling the drink menu off the table and sizing it up.

  “I’ll order wine later,” I said softly. “In the room.”

  “Oh,” she looked like she wasn’t even thinking about that, just bored and searching for something to do with her eyes and her hands that didn’t involve directly staring at me. I knew the feeling. There was a reason I kept looking out at the other patrons.

  I did hate though that this had made her uncomfortable.

  “Avery, I told you this wouldn’t be interesting.”

  “What? No,” she shook. “I’m interested.”

  “You should ski,” I pushed. I leaned forward and placed my arms down onto the table, holding my hands together as I looked out at the slopes. The green pines sat magnificently, all covered in white that sparkled with the sun. Outside, the people kept on racing down the hill, trying to top each other or lost in their worlds, save the few who were definitely struggling. “You’re an active sort of person, it’s a good thing,” I made sure to say.

  “What does that make you?” Avery asked.

  Our drinks came and she took hers up quickly drinking it down through the straw.

  “Thank you,” I said to the waiter.

  At the sight of Avery staring across from me I most definitely blushed.

  “I-I dunno,” I stuttered nervously. “Pensive. Boring. What would your friends say?” Probably a loaded question but definitely worth a try.

  “That you’re too stuck-up to ski with the commoners,” she joked. A smile tickled her lips.

  “But I wouldn’t ski even if I were here all alone,” I answered defensively.

  “Why not,” Avery asked.

  “Why? Because I like this,” I said, motioning to the table and the room and the large windows that showed us the world. “I like the feeling of being here more than the things other people do here individually. I study people. I watch them. Daydream.” I realized that might sound completely odd to her. “I brought a few books for this trip and I planned on relaxing and just reading the whole time. Getting lost in them actually. That’s easier to do in a new place where you don’t usually belong. Like a plane or a boat or a beach or a lodge. I will say though, I much prefer a warm beach.”

  "I like that about you. It's attractive," she shrugged. "I don't always just do sports. Sometimes I like to journal."

  “What do you write?” I asked. The thought of her journaling excited me. That mind of hers was complex and weighted down. I almost felt like she was hiding things. I’d like to see what her mind looked like, to study her thoughts for days upon days. If my thoughts were colors they’d probably be grey. Hers wouldn’t be that way.

  "Just thoughts,” she said. “I draw some too. Really badly but it helps me. Since I'm alone a lot it's kind of like having someone to talk to who won't judge."

  I’d love to read her journal. That sounds creepy doe
sn’t it? “Can I see?” I asked.

  But our food came out all at once and we had to stop talking while the plates were being put down.

  I twitched. My body ached from all the driving and then the struggle and then the sex.

  I thought about the spa packages. I usually pampered myself on trips like this.

  I found myself wondering if Avery wouldn’t like me being touched by someone else.

  After the waitstaff left, Avery was just sitting there all polite.

  I brought my drink up to my lips and sipped slowly from the straw, staring straight at her while I did. The food smelled delicious all around us. Her face seemed queer like perhaps I made the hair on the back of her neck stand up when I openly looked at her just as I did.

  We were both waiting somehow, for the other to start first.

  “Is something wrong Avery Lockhart?” I asked breathlessly. I’d starve forever for her. We’d met in an odd situation like this. I loved knowing that. The last time we could barely look at each other. This time it was all new. I was addicted to her.

  She looked away, shaking her head and pretending to focus on cutting her burger in half so it was easier to eat.

  I picked up a piece of my spring roll wrapped in rice paper and dipped it in the sweet sauce. “Here,” I said. “At least try it.” I held it out to her mouth, cupping my other hand beneath and hoping she’d allow me to feed her.

  She leaned forward and obliged, her mouth filling with what I categorized as a nice treat.

  “Mmm, not too bad,” she teased, washing it down with some water.

  I dipped my roll again and took a bite. It was perfect and I liked knowing what Avery had just tasted.

  After that she didn’t seem so scared. She ate without hesitation and I watched carefully. I wasn’t a particularly fast eater and the setting preoccupied me.

  When I caught her noticing my eyes on her I realized I should probably explain. “I like eating with you,” I smiled, realizing it. We didn’t need small talk or bullshit. She didn’t put up fronts on what she liked and what she didn’t. Nothing was stuffy or strange. With Avery, life just was and that was a sweet feeling I wasn’t used to. It was like living in a wonderful book. Only one no one else would want to read, just me.

  It was getting to be the afternoon. People were flooding in from the slopes all sweaty, ripping off their gear, all except for the rosy cheeks.

  I was so content I could scream.

  But I wasn’t sure where Avery was at.

  With Avery I couldn’t see my reflection. And I mean that in the most enchanting way. Most people naturally give off a sort of glimmer of what they really think of you. With Avery all I know is that she likes me and I only know that because she stays with me and she says things that tell me it’s true. In a way I have to just trust. Her motives for me can never be clear. No matter how I study her she still seems a glorious hologram, an impossible mirage. Something real but not. Too beautiful to be true. Too great. Life changing.

  My fear that she can just flicker and dissipate won’t fade. I carry it with me because it’s safer to be realistic about the possibilities no matter how hard they are to face.

  To her, I’m this shaky flame too, I think, sometimes too big, sometimes too small. She looks at me, I can’t help but flicker. At least now I can let myself see her without wondering if it really is some cruel trick.

  Avery is real. What we have, it can’t possibly be one-sided. Not anymore.

  I find more comfort in that then she could possibly know. To me, the risk of the heart is well worth it. I’ve never felt this way before. Instead of scaring me, that gives me comfort. I never knew love was actually nice. There are so many tragedies and I’m sure it wouldn’t be nice to have Avery ripped away but to just have this now is so comforting. Even if she changes her mind, if something happens, I would still know that once I was loved, really loved.

  That was a gift. No matter how momentary or brief.

  Avery must’ve noticed something in my face.

  “You disappear in there,” she said, snapping me out of my daze.

  “Yeah,” I sighed heavily, a lovesick feeling kept creeping up on me at odd times and lingering, such a shadow of a hug. There’s no way to expel such a sensation, every method only serves to stoke the flames and make it rise inside, spread, and then multiply like a smooth catching cancer. To her I probably seem a strange creature, dazing off in such a way.

  I was lying back on the head of my chair, staring off into nothing with my water waiting and sweating all its condescension onto my hand.

  Boring. I instantly thought it.

  I’m so boring.

  She’d probably get sick of me soon.

  Now, that was a thing I couldn’t fight but I’d understand.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Avery

  It was a perfect day to be out on the hills. The sun beat down on the backs of the skiers and snowboarders as they flew over the packed powder. I had agreed to come with Skylar, Sarah, and Clint even though I still wasn’t sure I wanted to be around them. My view on a lot of things had changed since I started seeing Olivia. We hadn’t ever really been close but now these friends just annoyed me.

  Their comments about everyone around us and the way they acted like idiots. I spent part of the day purposefully avoiding much conversation with them. I was afraid that they would bring up Olivia. They were looking at me differently.

  Now, I couldn’t avoid them since we were all taking a break, standing at the bottom of one of the intermediate runs. “You guys about done?” I was tired of being out here. If I’d come alone it would have been different. I could lose myself in the physical sensations of flying down the hills.

  It was after one in the afternoon so I had a good excuse to cut it short, lunch. I was hungry but that wasn’t my main motivation. At home I forgot to eat sometimes. If my body didn’t tell me that I should eat I probably wouldn’t. I enjoyed food. I just didn’t think about it until it was necessary, unless I had another reason.

  “Okay,” Skyler said. “We really only went a few times though.”

  I could tell she was still a little upset with me for ditching her for two days but I didn’t care. “Yeah, sorry. I’m just really hungry.”

  “Actually, food sounds good,” Clint agreed. He slid his goggles up to his forehead and squinted his eyes in the bright sunlight. “Let’s go up.”

  Being away from Olivia all day had done nothing but make me think about her even more. It had been so hard to leave her, especially after I saw what she was wearing. Not sure why but those tall black boots and that preppy horseback riding look made me a little crazy.

  “Fine,” Sarah said, balancing herself to reach down and detach her skis. “But I’m coming back out after.”

  I grinned, happy to be heading back and also a little impressed that I’d managed to piss off Sarah by getting Clint on my side.

  “You just want to go back and see your friend,” Sarah sneered.

  I rolled my eyes and ignored the comment but I didn’t miss the way Clint’s eyes switched between the two of us, like he was thinking really hard. I just hoped he didn’t hurt himself.

  “Who?” Clint shuffled up alongside his girlfriend, carrying his board in one hand. They walked ahead of us.

  “Ignore her,” Skyler said. “She still thinks Clint has a thing for you. And she’s right because I saw his eyes on your ass no less than five times today.”

  I snorted. “Like he would ever have a chance.”

  She laughed but smacked me in the arm. “I remember you let him kiss you!”

  “Oh god,” I groaned. “That was out of pity and also because I didn’t really have a choice! He kind of fell and I couldn’t get his dumb ass off of me.”

  “He is pretty lame,” she said, staring over at him.

  We made our way up the hill and I felt fondness for Skyler. She sometimes put her foot in her mouth but overall she was pretty cool. “He is,” I mumbled, agreein
g with her.

  All I could think about was getting back. I didn’t care about anyone or anything else. I could almost smell Olivia’s perfume. She’d sprayed it on before leaving our room and I’d nearly died. It was a strange feeling to crave someone.

  “Guys!” Sarah was up ahead at the door, waiting for us. “Hurry the hell up.”

  She tried to make it seem like she’d been waiting there for a year. Such a drama queen. I jogged to catch up, Skyler right beside me.

  We entered the lodge through the back and walked through the huge lobby, cutting through the little cafe that sat adjacent to the restaurant. One second I was walking, listening to something Skylar was saying and the next I was nearly falling over because in front of me was the most attractive thing I’d ever seen.

  Olivia, curled up on a couch in front of a fireplace, reading her book. The way she had her body arranged so compact but so casual reminded me how right it felt to have her legs around me the other day. She was in another world but not like when she disappeared into herself.

  She was escaping via fiction and it was beautiful. I bit my lip, remembering my friends. “Hey, I’ll catch up. You guys go ahead.”

  “Oh no, you’re not leaving me alone with them,” Skylar teased. “We’ll go with you.”

  I tried not to let the slight panic show, clearing my throat and blinking. “Why, you guys don’t even like her?”

  A fact that was absolutely unfair but I wasn't about to start telling them why I loved Olivia. They didn’t know her and part of me liked having her to myself but it battled with the part of me that wanted to show her off.

  “Maybe we would? If you gave us a chance to get to know her some,” Skylar urged.

  Sarah scoffed behind us, tugging on Clint’s hand. “Let’s just go,” she whined.

  He looked down at her, trying to decide if it was more interesting to go with us or take his girlfriend to the dining room.

  “Na, let’s go with them.”

  He was going to pay for that later when Sarah got him alone. I’d seen them argue before and it was really ugly. I couldn’t ever imagine being that mean to someone I was supposed to love. But I’d never been in a real relationship before. Maybe it was different when you were. Or maybe Sarah was just a bitch. Or who knows, maybe Clint liked it.