We had gone from a strange battle of wills to sappy love-sick banter in bed. Another first for me. I didn’t emote like this. “You’ve ruined me. I used to make fun of love stories and now I’m in the middle of one.”
“That’s the problem with love stories... We’re just so used to them being tragic we have a hard time accepting the fact that maybe happily-ever-after could exist. Maybe the girl can get the girl. Maybe for once no one does have to leave or hurt or die.”
I’d never thought far enough into any relationship to see an ending, happy or tragic. Here and now was my preference. The past tried to keep me but I slipped away from it when I could. Speaking, telling her that I knew we would have our happy ending was impossible. The most I could say was let’s wait and see. That might be my tragic mistake, not believing as hard as she did.
“Yeah, I hope our lives are really boring and gross and domestic forever.” That would be nice. To have some balance and normalcy in at least one part of my existence.
She let out a groan. “Okay, come on deadhead,” she laughed, getting up. “Maybe you’ll be more fun once I’ve fed you.”
I perked up. She was onto something there. My mood was sometimes directly related to my food intake. “Now, that idea I can agree with. Feed the Avery. I could be my own charity.”
“Just get dressed please,” she ordered, picking some of my clothes up off the floor and pushing them into my chest with both of her hands. “I can’t take you like this. You make me too crazy.”
“What? Naked? You think people would mind?” I picked up the clothes and rolled off the bed. There was no way I was wearing the ski stuff so I tossed them over with the rest of my dirty stuff and went to my bag, looking for something, anything that might make her a little crazy. I guess I had an evil streak I never knew about.
Olivia found her sweater and put it back on. I watched her disappear to the bathroom. It seemed like she was sticking with the riding gear for now. Yep, payback was in order. She shouldn’t look like that if she didn’t want me to fight back.
It was between lunch and dinner, more towards the dinner side but I was happy that the restaurant had emptied out a little. I let Olivia take the lead, talking to the hostess and getting us a table. I followed, satisfied and happy, post really hot sex.
They brought our waters and I grabbed the menu, wanting to be a little bit adventurous. My usual diet was pretty simple since I was the one who shopped and cooked. It was all things that I could make easily and quick. I had no real knowledge of food beyond that.
“You know what,” I said, turning the menu over in my hand. “You order for me. I want to get something that I’ve never had.” I wrinkled my nose. “Just stay away from anything fish.”
“Alright. You made your bed,” Olivia teased.
“No, actually you did… Before we left for dinner. Which I thought was entirely unnecessary since we’re just going to mess it up later but hey, who am I to deny you your anal retentive adorableness.”
“Okay, satisfied Avery is pissing me off.”
“Oops.” I laughed. I couldn’t help it. She was too cute. “She will try to control herself but I can’t make any promises. She is full of it and really it’s kinda your fault. Thank God.”
I watched her face to see if she really was going to get pissed and sulky. My high from earlier was causing my mouth to run away from me. Normally, people were kind of charmed by it.
“Oh, and did you miss the part where I called you adorable?” I asked.
“I did not,” she said simply. Her eyes were locked on that menu and probably searching for my punishment.
Silence fell between us. Unfortunately, I was finding her really attractive right now. I wondered if that was a bad thing. Should I like how she looked at me, how her voice sounded, when she was irritated or angry with me?
The server came back, looking at us expectantly. I started to tell her that I was leaving my order in Olivia’s hands but Olivia spoke up and I clamped my mouth shut when she took control.
“We’re going to need a variety of tapas. Charcuterie plate. Bruschetta. Stuffed mushrooms. Whatever’s the best. Anything sans fish. And we’ll share the chopped antipasti, the manager’s special, the chicken marsala, and a small side of chicken alfredo, just in case,” she added on, turning it over to me.
As she got to the third and fourth part of the order my eyes got wider and wider. There was no way we could eat all of that food. The server left to put our order in and I just stared over the table at her. “That’s a lot of food, Vi. Are we feeding an army?”
“I just want to make sure you eat, Avery. If we can’t finish, that’s perfectly fine. Our room has a fridge and I am definitely ordering wine tonight.”
“So, you’re going to fill me up with food and then take me upstairs and get me drunk. I’m okay with this.” I smiled, tapping my fingers against the table, and looking toward the big picture window, wishing we could have sat closer.
“I meant, for myself,” Olivia laughed sarcastically. “Ever since our activities all I can think about is how great a long hot bath would be with a nice glass of wine.”
A sad feeling invaded me. “So, you’re going to drink and bathe without me. I see how it is.” My tone was teasing enough but it did make me sad to think about. I had no idea why. It wasn’t like me to be attached to someone like this.
“On second thought, it’d be even better with you there,” she said.
“No. you should do you. I can go catch up with Skyler or just go down to the gym. Probably the gym.” It might be good. Maybe we needed some time apart to breathe. I didn’t want to overwhelm her.
“Avery?!” Olivia scoffed. “I never said I didn’t want you there. I just said I was buying the wine for myself. For whatever reason I never really had the thought that I might have to liquor you up to get you to want to stay with me. What’s going on with you?” She looked at me differently. “Do you really think I think that way?”
“Nothing,” I shrugged. “I was just kidding with the wine thing. I’m fine if you want to have a bath in peace.”
“Do you have any idea what the idea of having a bath with you does to me?” She seemed genuinely taken-aback and hurt now as she hushed her voice into a whisper and looked to the left of the table and then the right. “I know you’ve got it in your head that you’re some phase to me but you’re not and that hurts when you assume it. It hurts after where we just were. What we just did. When I say things to you I actually mean them, Avery.”
Just then the food came, surrounding us in all our confusion.
I’d hurt her. Made her sad.
“I’m sorry,” she said, looking up once the waiters finally left. “If I thought you wanted to take a bath with me I never would’ve said that. Of course I want to take a bath with you.”
I was surrounded by all of these wonderful smells but my stomach was turning, I hated this part. The little misunderstandings, my stupid brain taking me for a ride. “Okay.” I still didn’t know if she really did want me to be there or not but I wasn’t going to argue about it. “I’m not used to this, is all, and I’m not very good at it yet.”
We’d had a couple perfect days now but yesterday was really chill and we didn’t touch as much ‘cause it’s just all so new and we were both being careful and nervous.
There wasn’t much else I wanted to say because I would just make it worse. I was already second guessing everything I said. I picked up the cloth napkin with my silverware in it and unrolled it, setting the napkin in my lap and keeping the fork in my right hand.
“This looks good,” I commented. I swirled my fork in the chicken alfredo and brought it to my mouth, thinking about what she said. Panic still radiated up and down my body. Fear of loss, and the possibility of it being my fault, kept me on edge.
She started to eat, but took tiny bites and mostly pushed around the food on the plate in front of her. I looked up, catching her at it, knowing that it was because of what I’d said.
<
br /> “I was thinking,” I tried. “We should go to the pool tomorrow. I haven’t been down there and they’re supposed to have a really good one. If you want to, that is.”
“I’d love that,” she said, wounded but relieved. She prepped a fork with what looked to be the perfectly balanced bite before lifting it up and offering it to me. “Here,” she laughed guiltily. “You’ll like it, I promise.”
I leaned over, taking the food from her fork and chewing it. It was a salty, but really well seasoned, mouthful of meat and vegetables. I swallowed. “You were right.” I smiled, trying to keep myself from stealing the plate from her.
“You want?” She asked, raising her plate to trade.
“Yes, please,” I said, passing my plate over. I liked this. Now that we were past our little bump or whatever it was, I felt like we were getting back to good. We felt couplish.
“I kind of can't wait to swim with you. Is that weird?” I picked up a fork full of food from the plate. “I just think it’ll be fun.”
“I watched you swim for hours last week,” she confessed, taking a bite of my rejected alfredo into her mouth and smiling to herself while she tasted her memories along with her food. She was always embarrassed when she told me her secrets. “I just realized I never told you,” she said.
“What? You did? Why? Just because?” I couldn’t imagine watching anyone swim for hours. It was really kind of boring to most people. Especially, over a length of time.
“I told you,” she said. Her eyes stared down at the table as she pulled her drink to her lips, leaned back on her chair, crossed her legs and sipped before saying, “I’m obsessed with you.” She didn’t look at me. Instead, she looked out at the other patrons, avoiding my eyes.
Somehow she was so good at dragging out a conversation and meaning too many things for me to pick up on them all.
All this time, it had never clicked in me how much she thought about me but I saw the arch that she’d followed. I’d assumed that she did some of the things like following Ben because it was just in her nature to be over-curious and to look for a story. I saw her, really saw her now. I thought I had before but I found myself constantly having to remake the likeness of her in my mind.
“Obsessed, huh. What did you see while you were watching me?”
“Oh nothing,” she said. I hated when her eyes were everywhere else. Finally, after taking delight in scanning and teasing me, she turned her eyes to see mine. “Just you,” she smiled knowingly. Sometimes she was so open about staring it altered me inside
“But what specifically struck you?” I just wanted to know what little things she had found to keep her occupied for that long.
“Everything, specifically,” she said. “I missed you that day. I thought I might never talk to you again. I just wanted to be with you but I couldn’t. You stayed after everyone else left and so did I because I couldn’t bear to be without you. Even if it was just a trick.”
“Well, you have me now. So you can stare at me whenever you want.” I laughed and picked up my water glass. “Tell me what your room looks like. I think you can tell a lot about someone by knowing what they keep close to them and how they take care of their things.”
“Well, you should know. You’ve been there,” she reminded.
“Yeah, but I didn’t exactly stay to look around. The most lasting impression I got was from getting lost in your huge mansion of a house.” I set down my fork, more interested in talking to her. “I know it was neat and that your bed was big and very comfortable.” I blushed a little thinking of waking up there. Now when we were in bed we were doing very different things.
“Well, my room isn’t too exciting,” she confessed. “I try not to keep embarrassing things around which practically means you can tell next to nothing about me from the space where I live.”
“Okay, well, now you ask a question.” I just wanted to know more to try and fill in my gaps of knowledge. I was in love with the girl but I didn’t even know her favorite color. She didn’t seem like she liked answering questions so maybe asking one would get her more into it.
“What’s your favorite book?” She asked, instantly intrigued, since I’d given her permission.
“Novel or any book?”
“Any story,” she said. “Myth, fable? Parable? Legend?” Her question was broad.
“Suddenly, Last Summer by Tennessee Williams.” I picked up a piece of bread and nibbled on it, chewing and swallowing quickly. “Do you know it?”
“Um… Yeah,” she said. “Wow. That’s actually pretty heavy,” Olivia seemed a little worried by it. “Why that one?” She asked semi-shaky.
“Sometimes I feel like Catherine. Trapped in a place where no one will listen to my truth no matter how dark it is or how it reflects on them.”
I swallowed. I always did when I got that feeling. A prisoner inside my own body and my own house. Images of being behind a glass wall, banging on its surface but being unheard, unheeded, it choked me. But I couldn’t show it, not to anyone. That person, screaming to get out, was locked in my chest or had been until Olivia let her out just before dinner.
“Anyway, what could you have in your room that would be embarrassing?”
“I know that feeling,” Olivia said seriously. For a second she completely ignored my question but I knew why. But then she sighed and forced herself to answer my other question. “As for that other thing…” She relaxed, “so many things I secretly love are embarrassing. I’m sure you can imagine, given I was probably just two days away from getting my camera out and following you around taking secret pictures of you. But you’re right. I owe you more information. How about this. I’ve seen the entire GLEE collection. A lot of it more than once.”
“No way…..” I totally skipped over the whole camera thing for now, going straight for the embarrassing TV guilty pleasure. “You’re a Gleek?!” I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh but I tried to hold the rest of my amusement to a loss of composure.
“I’m a lot of embarrassing things that nobody knows about,” she said. “Not that anyone cares…”
“I want to know them all.” I wanted to take her hand. I wanted to kiss her. Instead I just tried to tell her those things with a look. “You’re fascinating.”
“There is nothing fascinating about being a closet Gleek.”
I shook my head. “Yeah there is. It’s a part of you. It tells me something about you. I want to know more, everything. Can I please peek in your closet?” It kind of sounded creepy but I hoped it would come off cute in combination with my puppy face.
“Sweetie, you can live in my closet,” she laughed. “It just might take me a little while to get up the courage to turn on the light.”
I grinned, finally just reaching over and squeezing her hand and leaving it there for a moment before pulling away. I didn’t want to totally withdraw. The gesture was meant to show her that I appreciated that fact about her.
“I like the dark, or I’m used to it at least, and I can wait.” Vulnerable moments like this reminded me of why I’d always been so afraid of this but she was right there with me and I loved her for that.
“And you can have my closet key but it’s messy in there, so be careful.”
“You know I’ll try,” she said.
“Yeah, I do.”
I ate a few more bites of the mystery food she’d ordered and sat back. When the server came back over Olivia asked for to-go boxes and she paid. I still wasn’t used to having her pay for everything. It made me feel guilty regardless of what she said.
When we left I was carrying a bag full of three to-go containers. It was going to take us forever to eat all the leftovers but I knew I’d be hungry again in an hour. I always was when I had a good day. Just like exercise, sex made my appetite sky rocket.
The whole elevator ride I just kept thinking about the intimacy we were sharing. It’s effect was giving me a hazy warm feeling in my head. I didn’t even need any wine. She had me drunk on this. But I
had one question left, one that had occurred to me in the course of our talk.
I took a deep breath and asked it. Only slightly worried about the outcome. “So, are you my girlfriend?”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Olivia
It’d been an interesting day. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of curve-balls. Lots of unforgettable intimate moments I’d probably remember for the rest of my complicated life.
Standing in the elevator on the way up to the room I only hoped my little freak-out at the table hadn’t completely screwed things up.
Avery seems so ready to just turn her back on me sometimes. Every time I think we’re past it she’ll say something or do something and I’ll know I haven't really gotten much further with her than I was on that first day at the swimming pool when I freaked her out and hurt her feelings without even meaning to.
She keeps saying she’s not good at this.
I’m not good at this. That’s all it is.
She’s just so sensitive, and I love that about her but, what if she never really believes me? What if this is still our problem three months down the road or two years or even ten?
I’ve told her every single embarrassing truth about my obsession with her and instead of hearing me she’s decided that how I feel is arbitrary, completely random and up to chance. Doesn’t seem to matter to her at all that I literally fell in love with her after just talking to her for three minutes.
I think I’m listening more than she is.
I actually wonder if she’s trying to hear me at all.
From where I’m standing it feels a little cold. It’s like we’re in a snowstorm and I don’t want her to die but she’s freezing. It’s like I keep putting my jacket onto her and, instead of it warming her up, its bogging her down and making her colder so we’re both just shivering and freezing right next to each other in the snow and still somehow I’m also hurting her? It’s nearly impossible. It’s really complex.
From the morning to now we’ve been through so many things that only make me want to ask more questions.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 27