I was happy just reading all morning. Ben was surprisingly M.I.A. Avery got a chance to be physical and appease her needy friends. After the chill day we had marathoning movies and locking ourselves away I was surprised to find her so ready to return to me.
She didn’t just trickle back, she rushed, crashing into my world again and completely taking over. She was so intense after skiing. I had no idea what was going on. I couldn’t read her, couldn’t figure her out.
She seemed to want me to hang out with her friends and I was fine with that because I love her. When you love someone you have to meet the people they meet and find ways to insert yourself into their pre-established life, it’s just important.
I wanted to be with her. I wanted to do the things she wanted me to do. So I tried.
Next thing I knew she was practically ready to jump me the second we sat down.
And then the elevator happened... And then the hotel room…
If I thought Avery was intense at lunch I was nowhere near prepared for how intense she got in that hotel room. She showed me more of herself than I’d ever seen and I needed that.
I felt her yearning for me. I felt her losing herself, actually letting herself get lost in my touch.
It wasn’t like anything I’d ever had with anyone else.
I could actually feel that she was being different, completely open, possibly for the first time in years upon years. She was dazed and out of it. But in a good way. She’d finally come out of her head, finally let herself go.
The only thing that really scared me was not knowing what brought that on, not knowing what that was. She hadn’t been like that with me before and she was gone from me all morning. What if she met Ben? What if there were things I still didn’t know?
The thoughts really eat at me when I let myself think.
Avery is so special to me. She’s still not anywhere close to understanding that. And she’s asking me things, trying to figure me out; trying to track the origin of my love and crack the code or dispel what she thinks can never actually be true.
I just wish she’d believe me when I tell her things. She wants me to trust her but she doesn’t hear me when I talk, she never hears. And all of a sudden she’s talking so much and in such a way that it’s hard for me to fully address all she says. It’s like I need us to be going slower but I also need her to calm down.
I’m not used to being surrounded all the time. I’m not used to someone’s constant wonderment, constant gaze.
And still, in other ways, she holds back.
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve touched her first or told her that I like it when she touches me. She still hesitates no matter where we are or what I’ve told her.
Right before we went down to eat I was sure we’d moved past it, sure we’d finally come to that safe place where we both knew we loved each other and we both knew that it was different and special and perfect and something out of the blue.
But then dinner happened.
One step forward, two steps back.
I don’t know what it is about me that makes it hard for her to trust me but I’m starting to feel genuinely crazy like maybe I’m just no good at this and maybe I am just doing everything wrong.
It’s like I have to break her down to build her up and I don’t want to do the first part so it burns me that she’s forcing me to try. I just want to love her. I just want that to be enough but she needs more in order to believe.
And now I’m standing in this elevator next to her holding a doggy bag all confused and wondering: What’s going to happen when the door shuts? What’s going to happen when I do take a bath? Will she come with me? Will she be gone? Can I ever be right? Will we ever fit? Can I ever be enough?
I felt her shift her feet and take in a nervous breath. “So, are you my girlfriend?” She asked.
My whole body twitched.
The words hit me just like a slap.
What did she think we were?
All of a sudden I just wanted to cry.
“I thought I was,” I said shakily, trying to hold it together.
I thought when you tell someone you love them it means you would marry them.
Not that I’m saying I need her to marry me. I’m not saying that, it’s just… I love her. I told her that.
I don’t love people. I don’t love anyone BUT her.
I told her that too.
What was it I was missing?
What was it I was doing that was so confusing to her it made her ask questions like these?
“Oh, yeah, listen, I was pretty much praying that you’d say yes. I told you I’m not sure how this works. I know how I feel and how you feel but I don’t know how that translates to relationship status. I didn’t want to presume.”
She grabbed my hand, clutching it in both of hers. “Seriously, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’ve never actually wanted to call anyone my girl or boyfriend. You’re the only one.”
I tried not to get angry. I kept snapping at her when she really did seem genuinely confused.
What I hate the most is how equal we are. We’re so equal but she never sees.
I’ve never done this before either. I’ve told her that. And told her that. And told her that again.
She’s not listening to me! Not hearing!
“I’ve already told you, you mean much more to me than that.” Against my will, I felt bile coming up in my throat and staining me with distaste.
I let her hold my hand but I felt I’d probably cry soon and I couldn’t wait for the doors of the elevator to part.
“This isn’t some stupid High School thing for me, Avery,” I couldn’t help but be gruff. Not when she kept pushing me out.
“Me either! I don’t show it. I freak out sometimes, I guess. But I can’t run from you. I’d be even more lost. You’re the only thing that makes any kind of sense to me.”
The doors to the elevator opened and I tried to walk out of them all cautious and slow. I didn’t want her thinking I was mad. Even if it was true...
She had hurt me again.
We walked the long hall, the carpet stretching out before us and warning me that soon again we’d have to be alone. I got to the door. Avery entered the key.
Once inside I went to the fridge, stowed away the leftovers and moved immediately to the phone to order the wine from room service. The whole time I knew she was probably scared I was mad but I also knew it was better I avoid her than blow up in her face.
I started to think that maybe it would’ve been better if we had gotten separate rooms. But then I remembered Ben and felt a pang for Avery, a pang that rang inside me like a disruptive bell, the vibration of that thought was so painful I shook.
She watched me from the side of the bed. Not coming closer but not going anywhere.
I sat down in the chair by the window and took off my boots, then my sweater, then my socks.
I took care to move slowly. I wanted to have something to do.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“I need to relax,” I said, feeling exhausted both emotionally and physically. There was no escaping the way she made me feel. “I’m going to take a long bath.”
I stood up to make my way but Avery spoke and I froze to hear her.
“Oh, okay,” she said, pausing a beat. “If you’re mad at me can you just say so?”
“Avery?!” I said, turning to see her and tugging at my own side with both of my hands. It was like she’d just decided to intentionally kick me, and that was the spot I decided she'd broken me down, precisely there. Both my hands held, placing pressure.
“What? I can feel the anger rolling off of you. Should I not ask? I just want to know what I did besides not understand. I don’t know if you get this. I DO NOT let myself feel these things and then you come along and I’m a fucking mess. You say you’re obsessed with me and I believe you but so was Ben and he tried to... “
She stopped herself just short of saying the word.
“I know you’re different but all this shit just happened and I’m not sure of people. I never was. People that are supposed to love me just leave. So, when I asked you if you were my girlfriend I meant I know you love me and you want me but I was basically asking you to be with me officially, forever or until you get tired of me. Okay, just stop looking at me like that.”
I stared until she told me not to. I couldn’t take my eyes away fast enough. They flared and I led them straight down to stare directly at the floor.
So many thoughts raced through my brain. She compared me to Ben. TO BEN!
Despite my wanting it to, a fire raged in my chest. I felt so painfully reticent, so foolishly unstable.
A knock came at the door.
“I’ll get it,” I said angrily, walking past her and trying not to stumble on all that hurt as my feet mechanically carried me away. I felt my fragility though in the impact of every single step I took past her, every single step I took away. I’d never had this much consistent contact with one person who wasn’t Ben. It was making me feel sick.
Room service left the wine right outside the door. They were gone before I could greet them. Two glasses, one bottle.
I bent down and picked it up, and then I noticed Sarah staring at me from the end of the hall like she’d been thinking it and wondering it and now she knew more than she could know anything else.
“Perfect,” I muttered to myself, ignoring her as gracefully as I possibly could given everything going on.
I brought the glasses and the bottle into the bathroom, set them down by the facet and the tub which I finally turned on.
I knew Avery was waiting for me to talk to her but it was hard to think of what to say.
There was a gift basket with pampering options near the oversized bath and I slowly poured a ton of bubble bath in and let out a large sigh.
Avery wasn’t going to make things easy for me. I was learning that day-by-day.
If I truly wanted her I’d have to fight.
I swallowed my anger and got up, walking out to see her and knowing I needed to talk.
As soon as she saw me come out she started to talk. “I told you. I’m bad at this but I didn’t mean to put you and him in the same sentence. But do you get how it wasn’t just what he did in the room that night? It was the whole thing. Every time I let him do things to me that hurt, not just… Look, it wasn’t the first time okay. And I got to where I felt like I deserved it and he just reinforced it and so you come to me and you’re too good to be true and I just don’t see how I get you, this perfectly perfect person after I let him use me.”
“I’m NOT perfect!” I yelled. My core so very shaken by all that she said.
I was so frustrated!!!
BUT THIS WASN’T THE TIME TO BE A DICK!
My brain screamed at me.
I walked to her and knelt down on the floor near her feet.
“Everything he did to you was wrong,” I spat. “Everything.” I took her hand and led her to fall down and join me on the floor between the two beds. I didn’t like how confused we both were. I didn’t like that no matter what we were missing each other and saying the wrong things and giving each other headaches and heartaches and pangs so intense they could be easily likened to real bleeding wounds.
“But I’m not perfect,” I said, calming down, stroking her face with my hand. She shifted closer and rested her back against the bed behind her.
“I know you’re not perfect, no one is, but to me you’re perfect. Not putting you on a pedestal perfect, but I love it even when you’re mad at me.” She smiled but it looked more like sadness slightly upturned. “Because I want you almost more then. I just want to grab you and keep you forever but I freeze and remember that you have a say in that and I shouldn’t just do things without permission. That line has been fuzzy for me for a while and I don’t ever want to do anything or assume anything about us that you don’t want.”
“I just don’t even know where this is coming from,” I said sadly, tears hanging in my glossy eyes as I shook my head. I couldn’t look at her. “When I told you I loved you I meant it and I already told you I haven’t felt that way about anyone. I don’t see what’s confusing you. I don’t see how two hours ago we were making love and I was so certain you knew that I didn’t want to do that with anyone else but then dinner comes and it’s all: yeah maybe I’ll go out with Skyler and Sarah and have my old life because you’re so forgettable, Vi?”
Her eyes flew wide and she opened her mouth in a gasp. “Is that why you thought I said that?! You’re the least forgettable person I’ve ever met. I said that because I thought you wanted some space. I’ve been dumb about getting what you’re saying but now I get it. You say things and that’s it. It means what you say. A lot of people aren’t like that and it’s just another reason I don’t ever want to go back to how things were before. When we were at that failure of a lunch with them, all I could keep thinking about was how I didn’t want to share you with them. I wanted to grab you and take you somewhere that I could remind you that you were mine.”
At that I let out a defeated sigh. I looked down at her hand in mine and flexed my fingers before lightly squeezing her hand again.
“Will you come take a bath with me?” I asked. “I left the water running.”
“Yes,” she breathed, gripping my hand in both of hers.
I stood up and helped her get up on her feet. It was always funny when I did that because she pulled back way too hard and almost knocked me over every single time. Either she didn’t know her own strength or she had no gauge for my own physical weaknesses. You know what, with Avery, both could easily be true.
In the bathroom, I lit a few candles and poured two glasses of red wine. I drifted from here to there distracted and listless. Once I’d lit enough candles I went back to the door and closed it gently, turning out the actual lights.
The last thing I did was take my phone from my pocket and turn on a weepy playlist I sometimes listened to when I bathed.
Avery sat watching me. It took me a while to realize she hadn’t moved.
“Come on,” I said. “You don’t have to wait for me.” All that time I’d thought she would undress and get in and relax.
The place was a lot darker now but so perfect as the music played and the candle-flames flickered. I moved my hands to the buttons on my shirt and began to undo them while Miley Cyrus sang her cover of Jeff Buckley’s Lilac Wine.
It was funny… Hearing the song with someone else. Especially someone else who the song seemed specifically written about. Love was a drunk emotion, so full.
Miley Cyrus sang on and I felt myself weakening beneath the glow of Avery’s dreamy eyes.
For whatever reason, I was too slow with the buttons. I thought it must bother her.
Avery got up, coming to me, reaching out to put her hands on mine. “Let me,” she said. Her eyes were naked of pretense. She looked at me as she worked the buttons loose, going slower than I would have and tugging on my shirt every time like she wanted me to actually feel her taking them apart. And I did feel it. I understood what she meant. Once my shirt was unbuttoned she slid her hands under the fabric and pushed it back off my shoulders and down to the floor. Her touch was so deliberate and electric. Every finger of hers that touched me had a purpose and a path. When she did touch she touched with intention. I felt my nerves all coming undone.
“Turn around,” I ordered. To dinner she had worn something I never thought she would wear. Her skirt was high-waisted but so so short I knew she’d been trying to get to me like I apparently got to her with how I dressed. When she finally turned I undid the button on the back of her shirt and trailed my hand down her back until my fingers fumbled unto the clasp in her skirt and I could undo it and take it off.
Her skirt fell easily to the floor but I used both my hands to push on the sides of Avery’s body and take her shirt off in the most physical way I could possibly dream up. Instead of taking the hem in my hands and delicately
raising it up, I pushed my hands up her body until I had to give-way and actually go for the fabric of her thin flowy shirt.
I felt her inhale sharply before I threw the shirt off and it fell to the ground.
“Jesus, you didn’t have to frisk me,” she joked.
I wasn’t expecting it but her underwear were fancy and see-through. They looked expensive and naughty to say the very least.
“You never care what I want,” I teased, sizing her up. I’d never get used to having her, being able to touch and see.
When I noticed her underwear I nearly choked. “Okay, why the hell would you even wear those?” May as well just wear nothing.
“To have dinner with my girlfriend, obviously.” Her eyebrows rose suggestively. “They’re basically only there so you can take them off anyway.”
I felt myself grab her waist and tug her body into mine. She was always so good at pretending she had it all figured out.
I knew her better now. I knew her to be trepidatious and easily taken down.
I took her hand in mine and pulled it up to my mouth so I could kiss it. She watched me, seeing the worship and maybe believing it this time.
I licked the side of her index finger slowly and drew it up into my mouth just to feel her soft skin on my tongue and suck on something of hers for a brief perfect moment.
The song was so nice in my ears as I pulled her close. I closed my eyes and reveled in her. I realized, somehow we were slow dancing in the darkened room by ourselves. No outside distractions. It was just like a dream.
I let my head fall down onto her shoulder as I moved her delicately and loved the feel of her holding me.
“This isn’t fair. You need to lose those pants.”
Fair.
I laughed to myself.
Such an Avery thing to say or think. Most situations were definitely not fair.
“I never said you couldn’t take them off.” Defiance was my way. Defiance and anger. We were different, she and I.
Her hands left my hips and came around to open the button and then the fly. Then she slipped her hands around inside of my pants and pulled them down, kneeling as she did. When they were down to my feet I stepped out of them, expecting her to stand back up but she stayed, looking up at me. When she lowered her gaze, she pressed her face into my stomach, her hands coming around to tease me, by gliding up the bare skin of my thighs.
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 28