I wondered if maybe I said too much, said much more than Avery would’ve wanted me to say.
But this was all her doing.
Avery was the one who wanted us to be completely open about this. She can talk all she likes about being whipped by me but it’s obviously the other way around.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ben coming into the pool area. I immediately sat up. My arms fell off of Avery and I stood on the hot tub seat and got out without word.
“Vi!” I heard Avery angrily whisper.
“It’s fine,” I said, looking back at her while I continued to walk, an instant determination in my step.
I didn’t care who saw or what they would say.
Ben caught sight of me from several feet away. His eyes flared and he instinctively stepped back.
“I’ll go—” He said loudly holding his hands up in retreat. I stopped several feet away from him. Light flickered against my sturdy eyes as I directly addressed the problem that was Ben.
He stared back a moment, crestfallen. Then he turned his head to notice Avery, Clint, and Skylar, who were all watching. “Sorry,” he said, first to them and then to me. I watched him turn around and walk away.
My chest burned. At least this time I did control myself. I didn’t lash out or hit him.
My heart had been beating so fast in my chest. That was the first time I’d seen him since the room.
I used my hand to feel the fast beating.
When I turned and looked at the pool I knew I wanted to just be inside of it.
I walked to the edge and dove in, staying under as long as I could. The real cold of it all invaded me and I needed to breathe. Resurfacing was ill advised but also a necessity.
“Hey,” I heard Avery say worriedly from the side of the pool.
She’d gotten out of the hot tub and sat down on the edge with her feet inside.
“We can’t chase him away,” she said. “He works here.”
“Yea, I don’t give a fuck,” I said darkly.
Skylar and Clint were coming up to talk to us.
A sensation of fear crept up on me as I heard the pounding of feet on cement and then felt Clint’s large body leaping over my head.
Suddenly he was crashing into the water behind me and I was being swooped up in his arms and he was pulling me under.
I struggled away from him, laughing violently, and splashing his face as he let me go.
“Stop!” I said. He’d saved us the trouble of having to explain what any of that fucking was.
“Oh, you’re gonna get it,” Avery said, but when I looked up I could see that she was staring at him, probably jealous and angry that he had touched me and made me do something I might not have wanted to do.
I looked to Skylar and tried my best to hide my blush of pride.
She seemed shaken by everything. There was a lot to be shaken about.
“Come on,” I said to Skylar, swimming over to her and taking her hand to ask her to calm down and come in to soak.
I didn’t understand her yet but I could tell out of everyone she really really cared for Avery and that broke my heart just a little. I wanted her to know I’d be safe. I wasn’t some monster sent to corrupt Avery or steal her away. If Avery liked her friends I wanted her to have her friends. It was simple.
As Clint tried to get to the center of the pool to make it hard for Avery to pounce on him, I pulled Skylar up to ride on my back so I could carry her beneath the surface in a show of genuine trust. I took care not to touch her too much. It wasn’t like me to actually want to make friends with people my age and I was definitely trying to force this one for Avery’s sake.
Skylar was so quiet it frightened me, reminded me of myself and how I was almost always when I wasn’t here.
“You didn’t know,” I said. Breaking the tension, addressing her unspoken thoughts.
“I should’ve,” she said, allowing me to lead her around solemnly.
I leaned us back on the wall, holding Skylar loosely. She was taller than me but in the water I could carry her.
“When she said she didn’t open up to people I actually had a bit of a problem believing it,” I confessed, watching as Avery wrestled to take Clint down somewhere off in the distance. Avery was laughing, filled with energy. I felt so still around her, even if internally I was running marathons just to emotionally catch up. “She’d been saying so many honest things. It was almost like no one had really taken the time to ask her how she felt about anything. Not her friends. Not her teachers. Not her parents. I just noticed it right away. She didn’t understand me. Why I would want to know her. Why anyone would...”
“Avery’s not the easiest person to talk to,” Skyler said. “She shuts you down a lot. ”
Shuts you down… I thought. I didn’t know that other Avery.
“Sarah being the way she’s been, it hasn’t really been easy to talk much about anything real.” I could see that being a huge barrier. I couldn’t imagine it though, a half a year of conversations that mostly consisted of jabs and spite.
“I hope that’ll change now,” I said. “I think Avery was just scared…”
Avery was coming up to greet us. Somewhere in there she noticed us off to the side of the pool and gave me a queer look I couldn’t exactly read.
I pushed off the wall, holding Skylar with me to go meet her.
“I left you alone for two seconds,” Avery said, a tone of warning that pet lovingly onto my brain.
“Uh-oh. I’m no match for her,” Skylar laughed sweetly. “She’s all yours.” Skylar moved just a tiny bit and fell off of me all gentl. Right after though she swam away to meet Clint and I could see she was strong.
Avery pulled me into her, bringing one of my legs up around her waist as she used her other hand to lead my face into hers and kiss me lovingly. So many positive emotions swam inside me as we floated together.
I felt my body drift effortlessly onto hers as her hands came up and stole me.
“You’re not allowed to hit on my friends,” she said, once she’d shut up my mind and pulled me away. “I don’t want to become like Sarah,” she warned truthfully.
I exhaled a long sigh of contentment before laughing and hugging her tight with every bit of myself. I liked being able to talk about her with other people, other people who loved her too.
I felt her moving us in the water but then the water dripped off of me and I felt the familiar brush of air moving past my wet skin. Avery was carrying me out of the pool. To her I was probably just as light inside the water as out. She wasn’t even struggling to hold me.
Clint made a loud cheering sound in the distance and Skylar whistled before laughing again.
I heard them splashing each other, actually enjoying themselves.
Next thing I knew Avery was laying me gently back onto my towel on my long chair. Her body trapping mine, as she hungrily kissed me, pressing her entire body down onto mine.
“I think it’s better you stay out here,” she said huskily, finally leaving me where I actually wanted to be. “You talk too much.”
She’d never said that to me before.
“Yes ma’am,” I teased, wanting her again. My eyes scanned her body as she moved back to the pool and dove in away from me.
I let out another sigh, knowing things were better than before. Not just with her and me, but with her and them, me and them; with everyone.
No matter where Sarah was it didn’t matter. She’d come around eventually if she wanted to have friends again. And who knows, maybe this wake-up call would even be good for Clint. If he didn’t love Sarah there was no point in him hanging on out of guilt.
I moved carefully to pull my book out from my bag. All I wanted to do now was read.
The towel on my back felt soft and my body had already been loosened by Avery causing those little aftershocks of hers to hit me every time I moved or talked or breathed.
I could stay here all day, every day, and be fine.
As
the three of them talked and played off in the distance I allowed myself to get lost again in a familiar fictional world.
For once I could actually see why a person would want to have a few loving friends. A few friends who weren’t songs or films or books.
I liked Avery’s friends. Away from Sarah they were worried and they were kind.
To really have friends could be therapeutic. I was just so used to most of my friends being older than me, being adults. I was so used to a certain sort of emotional and physical distance being the norm. As familiar as all this felt it was still a little bit new for me. Still, I tried not to think about it too much, I’d bog myself down.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Avery
It was the perfect day. If you’d ever asked me if I liked revealing personal details I’d say hell no but talking to Skylar about my family had been a relief. I felt lighter. When we had first become friends we were really tight but that tended to be hard to maintain when you revealed very little about yourself. We got kind of distant over the last year but I hoped that this was a sign.
It was because of Olivia. I looked over at her, reading her book, knees tucked up. She was lost in it. Her brow scrunched a little and she looked intensely at the page in front of her. It hit me how much she had helped to change me in such a short time.
It was more like, I always had the capacity to be a more open and loving person but it took her loving me and refusing to remain silent about it to bring me to a place where I could deal with being in love with her.
“Aves!” Skylar splashed me with water and swam over, snapping her fingers in front of my face. “Look, I know you’re in love and all but I’m talking to you,” she finished, laughing at my oblivion.
“Shut up,” I said, batting her hand away from my face. I was grinning like an idiot. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
“I was asking if you were going to take Olivia to prom.” Skylar kicked off, joining me at the side of the pool. Clint followed her, walking across to stand in front of me.
“Yeah, we were all going to get a limo and hang at the after party Tim’s throwing.” He dipped down up to his neck in the water. “Prom’s lame and all but the party could be fun.”
Skylar nodded, linking her arm through mine. “You know you want to.”
I was shaking my head, eyes scrunched. “Honestly, I forgot prom existed. It’s not really on my radar.”
I thought of Olivia dressed up, full tilt. She was amazingly hot, naturally. I might die if she actually got fancy. My eyes glazed over and it took me a second to come back.
“I mean, I’ll mention it but I doubt we’ll go. Maybe to the party. I’ll just have to see.” I shrugged and nudged Skylar. “You know I don’t mind a good party but prom always seemed kind of lame.”
“Just think about it,” Clint added. He looked around, standing up.
“What’s the matter,” Skylar asked him.
I knew. He had finally started to think about how mad Sarah was going to be at him and how he was going to have to talk to her.
“Go man,” I said. “The longer you wait the worse it’ll be.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he agreed. “I’ll catch up with you guys later.” He started toward the stairs but turned back halfway. “Seriously, Aves, think about it.” He pointed at me. “You guys would be totally hot dressed up together.”
I flipped him off, shaking my head. “In your dreams!” I shouted the words, noticing that Skylar had dissolved into laughter beside me.
He winked at us and got out of the pool, grabbing his towel on the way out. “Jesus, can you believe that guy?” I was smiling, feeling amazed at the fact that I’d just come out to my friends in more ways than one.
“Yeah, he’s just messing with you. Mostly.” Skylar spun around and pulled me by the arm. “Can you really blame him?”
I looked at her sideways. If I wasn’t mistaken Clint was right. I just shook my head and let it go. I didn’t want to think about it. Being here was a reprieve and I needed to enjoy it before I had to go back home.
Still, I felt like I should be a better friend to her. We’d drifted apart but she was the only person I could call a best friend at this school. Holland would always be my number one but Skylar was still a good person and she cared. Those were two things that set her apart from most of my other friends. Sarah had said all that stuff about us having things in common but really Skylar and I were the closest, we shared the most, and we had the most real conversations I’d ever had with anyone at Huntington before Olivia came along.
“How have you been? I don’t think I’ve asked you in a while.” I followed her into the middle of the pool and tried to catch her eyes.
“You’re right about that,” Skylar sighed, staring at me. “I’ve been… Alone,” she said simply.
“Alone? How?” I hated it for her. I just hoped we could get back our former closeness and maybe it would be better.
“Are you kidding Avery? I’ve just been like this shadow person for months now. Pretending to give a shit about Sarah. Pretending to give a shit about Clint. I’ve barely been talking to anyone at school. I thought you of all people would notice. Not that I was waiting for you to or anything. It’s just been weird. I never expected my senior year to be so anticlimactic.”
I sighed deeply, really realizing how much I’d abandoned her. “I’m sorry. I’ve been trapped in this cycle of just surviving and I couldn’t notice anything outside of that because distracting myself was how I was making it.”
“I get it,” Skylar said. “I really do,” she seemed apologetic now like she regretted even telling me her truth. “I’m just worried about you Aves. If it wasn’t for you I probably would’ve quit swim in week one this year. There was just something off. You’ve been so intense this year. So inside yourself. I thought for sure something must be going on with you. I just didn’t want to ever force you to talk to me. That’s your stuff. Yours to keep inside… Yours to share. And then we were here and you were with her and so happy and I just. I dunno… I think I got a little upset. Okay, I know I did.”
“I’m glad we’re talking about this. I don’t have many people.” I half smiled, thinking of the three people I did have. “As of this moment, always come to me and talk if you need to. I’m going to do everything I can to be a better friend.” I glanced over at Olivia, still sitting, content to read and be on her own. “You can blame her if I’m all up in your business from now on.” I nodded toward the side of the pool.
“I just think we’re a lot alike Avery… I think I wouldn’t ever just come and spill my thoughts like that. It’d have to be prompted. It makes a lot of sense… All of us coexisting in our own silent worlds. The only person who isn’t like that is Clint and he’s not good at making any of us feel better really,” she laughed. “But I’m glad you have someone… I’m just worried about the speed of this thing. I don’t want her to hurt you. Not that she would...”
“You’re right. We are alike and I think that’s why we’re friends in the first place. I’ll make sure that I check on you more often and you should always tell me what you think. I’m tired of existing like I was. I didn’t realize how much I was missing. I was living grey and now I can see the colors.”
I whirled in the water, caught up in the feelings. “I know it seems crazy but there are a lot of circumstances that led up to this and I’ll talk to you about them someday but right now it’s not something I can talk about. Olivia and I are so different but we intersect on the really important points. She’s amazing. She loves so fiercely and I just get the feeling that we were both struck by lightning. Some god somewhere threw it down and it fused us into each other’s lives. I can’t give you real words to describe what she does to me besides to say; she’s like a religion.”
“Aves, I’m not doubting your love for her. It’s obvious you’ve fallen. That’s not the issue at all.”
“It seems crazy from the outside, right?” I was now hit with the view th
e outside world would have of us.
“It doesn’t seem crazy at all. It seems like there’s a lot you’re not telling me. Things you’re leaving out. Half of the things I learned today I never would’ve learned if Olivia hadn’t started saying them first. Things you might not have wanted me to really know. And what the hell was that earlier with Olivia and Mr. Bradford? She obviously hates him and he knows about it. He completely bowed down to her. It was bizarre.”
I looked away. I’d kept this secret so long. Trust was hard for everyone and for me it was impossible sometimes. She was my friend and I knew she wouldn’t hurt me on purpose but letting this out. I was taking a chance that it wouldn’t just stop there. Other people could find out. I wasn’t worried for Ben’s sake anymore. I just didn’t want people to know that I’d let him violate me. I’d wanted it in some ways. Not all of it but a lot of it.
I started to breathe harder, anxiety making my eyes dart around. I remembered all the things I’d said to Olivia about it and the things I’d never told her. There were still pieces of that history that I was afraid to shine light on. But looking into Skylar’s eyes told me a truth.
He would do it to someone else. It wasn’t the kind of habit a person just stopped. I might have been his first but I wouldn’t be his last. I could stop him. I had power, he didn’t. Olivia had helped me get to this.
“You’re right.” I caved. “I don’t want this to change how you see me. I know it was stupid of me and that I could have made my life a whole lot worse so please, keep that in mind when I tell you this.”
I wanted to reach out and make contact with her so I could feel some kind of steadiness but I didn’t. I wasn’t there yet. “I’d been involved with Mr. Bradford for a year and he was the one that sent Olivia to interview me and she found out by seeing us together.” I left out the part where she followed us. I don’t know why. Maybe I felt it would reflect badly on her.
“Once we started hanging out, Olivia and me, I mean, I didn’t want to keep seeing him but he got angry about it. He tried to force me.” I stopped there, wincing. Saying it out loud made it so horrible and real. “I got away and Olivia took care of me. I knew I had feelings for her before that but I didn’t think I deserved her and then after the thing with Ben, uh, Mr. Bradford, I just realized that life was too short to not try.”
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 32