Paper Dolls, Book One

by Emma Chamberlain

  I stopped talking. It all came out in a rush and I hoped that she was following and that I wouldn’t have to repeat myself because I didn’t know if I could say it again. “Sky?” I prodded her.

  She scoffed. It was a lot to take in. “What?” There was anger there. A lot of it.

  “I know. See. My life has been kind of crazy.” It wasn’t an excuse for abandoning our friendship. “Do you get it at all?” This was the first test of what would happen if the truth was out.

  “Which part?”

  “All of it, I guess.”

  “Avery, what could I possibly get about your seeing Mr. Bradford? Why? Why would you?”

  “At the beginning he was really sweet and hot and he seemed to get me. I was happy, in a dull way. It was a chance to feel something other than trapped. I had something outside of life at home and it got me away from there. I needed someone to love me. I just didn’t know it. But that wasn’t what it was. It was him using me and me tricking myself into thinking that I deserved it.”

  “What do you mean?” She asked. She didn’t really specify what confused her though so I had to guess. “Deserved what?” She tacked on, probably hearing my thoughts. “Avery, how did he use you?”

  I hadn’t even told Olivia this. I felt like if I did tell someone it should be her but Skylar was here asking me to be open. She wanted to understand.

  “For his own sick pleasure, I guess. It would be fine if I’d been into it too and I guess I never said no explicitly but he liked to…” I wasn’t sure how to say it. “Hurt me.”

  “Avery,” I could hear the hurt and disappointment in her voice.

  “Please don’t judge me,” I begged. “It’s what I’m scared of. That people will just think I’m a dumb slutty girl who let some guy do shit to her.”

  I was starting to panic. I looked over to find Olivia. She was still in her chair. I could actually feel tears coming on. I was in the water. I could swim away. I could run. Skylar was going to cease to exist in my mind soon.

  “You’re not dumb, Avery. And you’re not a slutty girl. And Mr. Bradford isn’t just some other guy at school, he’s a fucking man. He’s a man. And he should know better than to have ANY sort of relationship, with a student, that even borders on sexual let alone a relationship that involves using and hurting a younger girl.”

  “Yeah,” a ghost of a whisper escaped me. I turned to her, my watery eyes finally focusing. “You see though, right? I was hurting and it felt okay until it didn’t and by then I didn’t know how to get out. The only reason I did was because of her.” I nodded to Olivia. “She saved me, helped me save myself.”

  “Shit, Avery, come here,” Skylar said, pulling me in and hugging me so tight. “I am so fucking sorry. You deserve so much better. I can’t—” She stopped talking and I could hear it in her voice that she was trying to fight off the anger and the upset over everything. “I wish he never touched you,” she said simply.

  I was pressed into her body but I didn't move for a second. Skylar and I hadn't hugged in a very long time. No one had hugged me like this, like a real friend, since the last time I’d seen Holland. “Me too,” I said.

  I didn’t but at the same time I wouldn’t have what I have now. I’d take the mental scars any day if it meant I got Olivia in the end.

  I put my arms around her and squeezed. “I have better now.” I knew that and Olivia knew that. We didn’t have to explain ourselves. We had gone through it together.

  “I don’t want to talk about me anymore,” I sniffed and smiled. “Let’s talk about you. I don’t even know if you’ve been dating anyone. I mean, I assume not because I would have heard but I was for a year and no one knew, so, spill.”

  Skylar laughed. “Dating? No,” she said. “I’ve been dating the idea of moving to Hollywood though…” Now that was something I didn’t expect.

  “What? Really?” She had never expressed a desire to move anywhere really. “Why Hollywood?”

  “Why do you think?” She laughed.

  “To act?” I looked at her, shrugging. “That’s awesome. You should!” I left an arm around her and turned around. “I fully support this idea.”

  It felt good to be normal for once. Talking to a friend about plans after graduation was far more natural than cleaning up your mother’s vomit from the bedroom floor on a regular basis.

  “Maybe we can come visit you.” A trip with Olivia that didn’t involve Ben sounded amazing. “Oh, and you have to come to our wedding,” I burst out. I was on a roll and information was just spilling out of me in a manic landslide.

  “Woah, wait… You’re getting married? To Olivia?” Skylar’s eyes were huge, searching.

  “Yeah, I’m not sure we’re telling anyone that actually,” I winced and pursed my lips. “I guess just don’t say anything, please? She asked me and I said yes. You know, after I got over the shock.”

  One more thing for Skylar to flip out over. If she freaked out and called me crazy then I guess I could understand.

  “Avery, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you… I’m so happy for you. Really. You’re probably the only thing about this place I’m going to miss.” She seemed earnest and kind of struck.

  “Thanks,” I replied. I couldn’t help grinning like mad. “You’re definitely one of the only things I’ll miss too. For sure. Just means we have to hang out sometimes.”

  I didn’t even know where Olivia and I would end up. We hadn’t talked about it. Just like a lot of other things it was a mystery for now. I wanted to talk about it. The future seemed so full of promise and I’d never wanted to think about it before. Now, I wanted to dream and think and feel it all. Drawing maps of our life together, like a story outline.

  “I’m glad we talked.” I hugged her again, overcome. “I’ve missed you and I didn’t even realize how much.”

  She was an amazing person and I almost missed out on it all. “I think I’m going to go pounce on my girlfriend now. But we should have dinner, all three of us.” I made sure to leave out Sarah. If she came around and started with her usual shit I would not be able to keep myself from finally shutting her down.

  “We should,” Sky said. But I could see her glance over at Olivia and back to me as if intimidated. “She’s pretty Aves... Like… Movie-star pretty.”

  “I know. She’s almost too pretty. It’s kind of scary. I’ve recently discovered that I’m kind of jealous.” I laughed and followed her gaze over to Olivia. “She’s definitely the hot one.”

  “Don’t be jealous,” she laughed. “You’ve got her. She’s yours,” Skylar reminded. “But yeah… I dunno about that last bit. I can’t really agree or disagree. There’s something addicting about you. Anyway,” she said, snapping out of her daze. “I’ll let you two be alone now, really. Sorry for the crash… And for everything.”

  “You make it sound like I’m an exotic beast,” I looked at her. There was nothing special about my looks. Blonde, blue eyes… common to me but all I really cared about was that Olivia found me attractive. “And I’m sorry for disappearing on you. Seriously. I am.”

  “Hey, it’s okay… I know now why you did. K… I’m gonna go now,” she said awkwardly, trying to leave. She’d been trying to leave for a little while now it seemed. “Olivia was right. You should be using this trip. Enjoying it. Not hanging out with me and talking about all the horrible things I didn’t know about. I love you for telling me but I think it would make me a lot happier to know you and her are smiling together away from the world.”

  “You’re sweet. We needed this though. I think we both needed to reconnect and figure it out. I’m glad. There should always be time for friends to have real talks. But yeah, I’ll catch you later. Actually, I’ll text you about dinner.”

  I waved as she got out of the pool but I didn’t watch her go. I focused on Olivia, just looking. Skylar was right. Vi was gorgeous like a TV star and Sky was also right about her being mine. A lot of things had disappeared from my life though. It scared me t
o think that someone could take her away. Her parents, someone who wanted her too, or even just my own stupidity, they all revolved around my fear wheelhouse.

  I needed her. I walked through the water to the side of the pool and hoisted myself out, sitting on the hard ground and spinning around. I didn’t care that I was wet. I walked over, unable to do anything but what impulse bade me do. With one swift motion I took her book and dropped onto the chair beside her, nudging her over. I put the book upside down on the table beside us and attacked her mouth, kissing her like I hadn’t seen her in a year.

  Dazed but weakly pleased, her eyes slowly opened after we kissed and she was seeing me after all that time. Just like that very first day.

  Your eyes are gray… I remembered.

  “I missed you.” My wicked grin betrayed my possessive thoughts. “Did you miss me?” It had been about thirty minutes since she went to read but I didn’t care. I was not about to argue with my heart and how it ached for her when she wasn’t kissing me or touching me in some way.

  I leaned down again, capturing her lips, pulling her bottom one between my teeth and tugging, letting go and enjoying the rush of blood that came to her cheeks. “You’re fucking beautiful.”

  She rolled her eyes but used her hands to tell me that not only did she miss me, she was craving me similarly. “I was being good for you,” she said. “You wanted me quiet, remember?”

  “Well, now I want you loud. Like: screaming my name loud.” I half joked. “I just couldn’t help myself. You were over here, looking amazing and tempting and there’s this little wrinkle that happens right here.” I smoothed my finger between her eyes and down her nose. “When you read.”

  “You can’t just say things like that to me Avery,” she was still stuck on the first thing I said. “My mind goes places.” She took my hand in hers and pulled it up to her lips, closing her eyes as she rubbed her bottom lip slowly past my knuckles and exhaled audibly as if I’d completely exhausted her.

  “You always say that. That I can’t just say things like that but I’m just telling you how I feel. That’s what you wanted and I wouldn’t even say them if my mind wasn’t there first. I just like seeing it in my mind and then eventually I see you in those moments for real and it’s even better. You feel even better than I can imagine.”

  “Shhhhh….” she said, pulling her fingers up to my lips to stop me from talking. For a moment I thought maybe she just wanted to go to sleep.

  “What,” I mumbled against her skin. “What do you want, Vi.” I spoke soft like the calm water next to us.

  “I just want to feel you with me for a second,” she said. “To remember it’s real. You’re real. Sometimes I can’t even open my eyes.”

  “I’m so real it’s painful, trust me.” I gathered her in my arms, pulling her in. “Here, feel me.” I took her hand from my lips and put it on my chest. “I’m alive.”

  “I just love you so much,” she said, like maybe she’d forgotten and remembered again. “I’m sorry,” she shook her head, waking up from her daze. “I think that book actually stole me away.”

  “That’s why I had to come get you back. You were too far away and I started to get sad. Plus, I was talking about you and it made me want to touch you again.”

  I kissed her forehead, smelling that scent I would never forget. “Is it a good book?”

  “It’s complicated,” she said, swallowing a bit of some emotion. “It’s not happy… It might end that way…” Her book was the size of several normal books jammed into one. “But I feel for Aomame… I understand why she’s become an assassin. Why she kills all the men she kills. Why she lives her life like a ghost. Why she hides herself away and only comes out of herself at night. Her routines… Her simple way of living. I get it.”

  I smiled. She really was remarkable. An unusual human and that’s why it worked. She could see past the image to the story and connect to it. “I love it when you talk about things like this. It’s why I want to take you to art museums. Just to hear what you have to say about the pieces.”

  Appreciating her made me feel deeper not just for her but for everything. I liked that. For once there seemed to be a reason for pain. It made more sense. My focus was able to shift outward to her and to what sleepy parts of my mind were waking up. They tingled while the sleep fell off. Painful needles and pins stabbing pain but after it receded there was a beauty to balance.

  “Can we do that?” I wanted to travel everywhere with her. We had so much life in front of us and if we were lucky nothing would stop us from having it. Life was a feast and after years of killing it, I was hungry again.

  “We can do all the things you want to do,” she said. “If you’re in, I’m in.”

  “That’s kind of a dangerous statement. You know me but you don’t know what kind of beast you’ve woken up.” I slid my lips over her neck and up to her ear. “I’ve never imagined wanting someone like this, in so many different ways. I want to do everything my horrible little mind can imagine to you and then some.”

  She shuttered in a good way. “I want everything you want,” she said. “I want it so much I can’t even breathe when you talk about it.”

  “Well, then maybe I need to stop talking because I need you to breathe.” I leaned in, kissing her once fast and backing away. “I’m not opposed to mouth.” I kissed her again. “To mouth…” One more kiss. “But I might want to do other things with my mouth.”

  I tried to look innocent but I couldn’t keep the sex out of my eyes. “Oops, I guess I talked about it again.”

  “I’m upset,” she groaned.

  “I know, I know.” I relented and rose from her arms. “You make me crazy and I feel like I’m too intense sometimes. I needed to move. If I don’t get up I’m going to despoil you in public again and that’s probably a bad idea. Plus, I need to tell you some things but not here.”

  I grabbed my towel and dried the stray water from my body. I didn’t know where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do but I did need to tell her that Skylar knew close to everything. “Lean up,” I pulled my shirt from under her towel and pulled it on, grabbing my shorts after.

  Olivia slowly got up and brushed herself with the towel even though she’d been out of the water and dry for some time. I watched her throw her dress back on and slip on her shoes.

  “Are we going to need to change? What are we doing?” She asked, pulling her book from the stand and placing it into her bag.

  “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” I was practically bouncing. I’m sure it was unnerving for Olivia to see. She was always so calm unless she was mad or sad. “I just need to do something.

  “Okay,” she said. “We can go out. I just want to change though. I can’t go out in this.”

  “Okay, I should probably change too.” I hated this feeling but at the same time it was wonderful. Everything was wonderful right now as long as I didn’t think about the fact that we were going home in one day.

  “Hey,” she said, surprising me as she stood up. “If I get you a release form do you think you can get your parents to sign it? I’d really like to drive you back home. I can’t stand the thought of you taking the bus without me and I don’t want to leave my car here.”

  “Oh, I hadn’t even thought about that. I can forge my mom’s signature. I’ve gotten really good at it over the years.” I grinned. “She’s passed out or drunk 75% of the time so you do what you gotta do.”

  “Only if you want to,” she said, distracted. She was making sure she hadn’t left anything.

  “Are you kidding? You think I’d pass up riding in your fancy car with you so I can watch you drive for riding home on the bus? Is that even a decision?”

  “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to babysit me all the time. I like being with you but I know I’m quiet and sometimes short with you.”

  “Vi,” I stopped her, taking her arm and turning her toward me. “Look at this face. I’m hopeless because even when you’re short wit
h me and you get irritated it turns me on. Sure it also scares me sometimes when you’re quiet but I think we’re past me freaking out over that for now.”

  “I just want you to have a say. I want you to have the kind of fun you’re used to having. I don’t need you to devote yourself to me every second of the day. I love it when you do, absolutely love it, but it’s hard to tell sometimes what you really would be doing if I wasn’t with you. Like right now I have no idea what to do...” I realized suddenly, I’d stressed her out. “I’m starving and I just want to eat but you look about ready to jump off the side of a building for the adrenaline rush.”

  “Babe, this is just me a little manic happy. I’m fine. I don’t want to do anything without you. I want to do what you want to do or at least I want to be around you when you’re doing it. Does that make sense? I know you want me to have my own life too but right now I just want to hang out with you. I don’t care what we do. And you know, the same goes for you. If you want to do something without me just say the word and I’ll do something else and have fun thinking about what I’m going to do with you when I get back.” I was practically licking my lips at the thought. “I like a little self-denial once in awhile.”

  “Of course I don’t want to be without you,” she said. “Can we just go up? I don’t like feeling like this.”

  “Yeah, sure.” I wasn’t going to freak out. I kept telling myself this. Just because she was feeling weird right now didn’t mean she didn’t want me. I had to make myself breathe through it. I made a point of taking her hand and leading her away, out of the pool area and through the lobby to the elevators. We waited to go up and I told myself not to speak. She needed a little time. I could give her that.

  I’d been rushing her around all day and making demands. She was hungry and I know when I was hungry it made me kind of cranky. I kept running through all the logical reasons that she would feel this way. I couldn’t let myself fall back into the trap.