Paper Dolls, Book One

by Emma Chamberlain

  “I love you too,” she laughed, worried.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head, and feeling that my voice was small and nearly a gasp at that word. “I love you.” When I said it this time, I said it with surety. I needed her to hear that more than everything else. It wasn’t simple. It was important that she knew, to me, that word LOVE meant so much more than something defined. “I love you like I can never explain not even to myself.” I tried not to whisper but it was hard because these were secrets and this was scary no matter what we’d done before, what we’d said. “When I first met you I felt so many things right away. I’m not like that with other people. I don’t feel like this. I’ve never felt—” I stopped myself and looked out at the still lake to our side before swallowing a shaky breath and building up enough strength to speak again.

  “A long time ago I came here to escape my family. I came here because I felt so lost when I was surrounded by other people that I needed to get away, far away. I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to read and pretend I was living in a book… For so much of my life that’s how I’ve survived, how I’ve lived. I’ve kept quiet, kept secret. I’ve lived inside myself. All my anger? All my happiness? All my hopes? All my secrets? All my dreams? All hidden. All.” I gulped shakily, trying to find the right words.

  “I’ve been hiding in labs. Hiding in books. Hiding in science and papers and poems that I didn’t even write. Every bit of my life worth living has consisted of solitary consumption and calculated isolation. And that’s not to say I didn’t talk to people and have relationships but it is to say I could only fully communicate if a person was fictional or some topic other than us took precedence, or… It’s hard to explain.” I looked up at her now. Tears were falling out of my eyes. Just seeing her broke me in two. “What I mean to say.. What I need you to know… Before you, I didn’t much like being here in this place.” My voice nearly cracked. It was a hard confession. I looked out at the lake but it wasn't about the lake it was about the world, it was about everything.

  The world was so dirty. So dark. It was cruel and it was mean. So many people died and bled here, hurt each other.

  And then there was her…

  “You make me want to be here Avery.” I felt my eyes close in the pain of that confession. The pain of knowing I hadn’t really been anyone until now despite it all. “You make me want to live in this world where I actually am. You make me feel like I’m in a book. Like I have someone to care about and they have me. Like things really are filled with meaning and magic and love. Like everything I do I like. Like every thought I have is somehow special or unique. I’ve never felt this. I’ve never felt special this way. I’ve never felt like I wanted to trust anyone else with the whole of me or burden someone else with the all of me.” I paused and thought of what to do. The more I thought the harder it became to think of the right thing.

  “And… Look, I know this is lame,” I said, giving up and pulling the box out from behind my back to hold it in front of myself and finally open it. “And I know you already said yes,” I cried, holding the ring up a little higher so that she could finally see. “But Avery Lockhart will you spend your life with me, please? Will you make sure I want to be here every second of every day? Because that feeling, it’s everything to me, you’re everything. And living without you wasn’t living for me, it’s like I wasn’t real until you, I wasn’t here until you saw me exist.”

  Every part of me was shaking. I felt my sore muscles from our hike and the reminder of our passionate sex when I moved any part of my body even a tad. Somehow I needed confirmation again. I needed her to say yes again. I felt I couldn’t even stand up I was so done.

  If she didn’t say yes I’d just jump off the edge of the dock and never come back up. I’d just drown.

  I can’t tell her that of course, not after yesterday, but that’s how it feels. I don’t want to live here in this world without her. I’d spent my whole life seeking other worlds for a reason. I never had reason to want to stay in my world, at least, not until now. She’s that reason. She changed everything. She made me see the potential of such a pretty place.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Avery

  We were already engaged. Sometimes it seemed unreal but she was here in front of me saying all of these things that made me want to cry. I couldn’t believe it. She was on her knees, kneeling. I wanted to scream at her, ask what she was even doing. This was something that happened in movies, in stories. This was real. We were real. If it was a joke I was going to freak but Olivia didn’t joke like this. She wasn’t cruel.

  She looked scared that I wasn’t saying anything, just staring open mouthed. I needed to pinch myself. “I’m not dreaming, am I?” I breathed the words.

  “No baby,” she relaxed a bit and laughed kindly. “You’re not dreaming.”

  “I gotta be. This stuff doesn’t happen to me.”

  She stared waiting, still looking up at me, still holding the ring.

  I pulled her up, hugging her to me and then pulling away, trying to keep from crushing her with love.

  I was pretty sure that I was in the Matrix. The thought made me cough out a laugh. It was a different feeling than when I read scenes like this or acted them. It was going so fast and I couldn’t get a grip on where I was in it. I remembered that I hadn’t answered her.

  “Yes,” I said.

  One word to mean a thousand. Just like I love you was a phrase with infinite meanings. The understanding of it came when two people loved in the same way. Olivia and I are very different people but we love each other with the same ferocity.

  “If this is too fast we don’t have to do anything right away. I don’t want to rush you. And if you don’t like the ring, I can get you a different one, one you really like. I just didn’t want you to go home and not have this,” she said shakily. I watched her take the ring from the box and move to put it on my finger. “I wanted you to know I meant it Avery. All of it. Everything.”

  “Babe, I’d marry you today if I could.” I sniffed, not able to really voice how much I was in love with, not only her but, her words. I could write a novel on why they were perfect, a novel the size of War and Peace.

  “I knew you meant it but I never expected this. You’re a miracle worker or something. How did you even get this? You know you’re not getting it back, right?” It was the stop we’d made. My mind was finally slowing enough for me to think.

  “If you gave it back it’d mean I failed you,” she said quietly.

  I shook my head, not even willing to address the last part. “But seriously, you’re amazing and this ring is beautiful but it looks expensive. I know why you did it and it’s just another reason I love you. I feel guilty that you spent money.”

  I was grateful for what she’d done. It was a very Olivia thing to do and it was an Avery thing to do to worry about people dropping possibly thousands of dollars on her.

  “It’s not about money Avery…” She breathed in laboriously. “This isn't- This wasn't about that.”

  “Vi, I know it’s not about money. I know that’s not why you did it. I love it and I love the gesture. You do these grand, all consuming things and it’s wonderful but I don’t want you to feel like you have to do them for me to know how you feel. You tell me that all the time in a lot of different ways. You laugh at my dumb jokes, for one.”

  “I know,” she said guiltily. “And I didn't do this to be grand,” she mocked darkly. “It wasn’t about that either. You think I’m about that and I’m not Avery. I just kept thinking about going home. About how scared you’d be with your dad back. About how I knew I couldn’t be with you. About how we’d have to be in separate rooms away from each other. About how confusing it’s been even when we have been constantly together. I want you to be able to see this ring and remember that I’m around, remember that, no matter what, I’ve got you and I’m here and I want to be, I want to be so much.”

  “Okay, I need you to stop saying perfect things or I’m rea
lly going to become an absolute mess and I won’t be able to even make it back to the car.” I stopped, sucking in a shaky breath. I was talking so fast. Tears were streaming, down my face and I didn’t care. They could fall. There was a good.

  “Thank you.” I squeezed her hand.. “For this and for being here for me, having my back. I know I’ll be okay because of that. I’m that for you too. I’ll always have your back and I’ll always catch you. In perpetuum,” I quoted.

  “I just need you to know, I’m all in. As long as you want this, I want this. It’s real okay? Just like this ring is real.” She twisted the ring on my finger with just the light touch of her thumb. I don’t know how she was so good at little things like that.

  “Yep,” I was nodding. I got her, I really did. She was good at making her points, too good. “I’m all in too.”

  I was done talking. I kissed her, feeling the new weight on my finger, loving the way the metal was already warmed by my skin. It had life now. Physical representations helped me hold on. I had them for everything. The silver angel wing anklet I wore for Adam never left my body. This would be the same, harder to explain but the same.

  I ended the kiss, staying close to soak her in. I would give her a ring too when I got home. I had something perfect. It might not be the gorgeous, expensive thing that she’d given me but I hoped it would do. It was not just a piece of jewelry. It had history and it meant the world to me. It was the only ring that I could imagine giving her.

  “Will you drive the rest of the way?” I asked. I couldn’t imagine managing to drive. I would just keep freaking out and staring at the ring, expecting it to disappear.

  “Of course,” she laughed now, relieved. And it was funny. She basically just said she’d give her entire self to me.

  “It’s so official.” The stone caught the light and I realized how big it was. It wasn’t anything I’d imagined wanting but now that it was on my finger and had the weight of Olivia’s words behind it I loved it. “And pretty.” Her taste in everything was great.

  “Can I wear it everywhere?” I looked to her, considering the moment when people would start asking questions.

  “Of course,” she said lovingly. “I’d be sad if you didn’t want to. That’s why I said if you don’t like it PLEASE tell me.”

  “Are you kidding me?!” I put the ring up for her to see. “Anyone who doesn’t love this is insane. It’s the most gorgeous ring I’ve ever seen.”

  “Well I’m not offering it to anyone. I’m offering it to you. And if you want something more simple, or something with a gem or something with multiple diamonds or a ring with onyx, I’ll get it.”

  “Nope, you can stop right there. This is the ring you offered me and it’s perfect. I could not imagine a better one. You couldn’t get it away from me if you wanted to.”

  “All I care about is that you like it and it makes you happy. I’d hate if you wore something just because you thought I wanted you to. I didn’t even know if you’d like gold. Usually I’d go for white gold but this ring… I just saw it and couldn’t stop imagining it on your finger. I just sort of got it in my head that you’d like it and now I feel kind of stupid… I dunno…”

  She couldn’t give me a ring I wouldn’t like but this one. It was actually perfect. “I think some kind of fate helped you out because you shouldn’t feel stupid. You should be proud that you knew me so well. I am.”

  My smile was big like my heart felt. “Now, stop being silly and let me enjoy this.” I felt like dancing and I did just a little in place, feeling silly myself. I went to the edge of the dock, looking out over the water. “I have the best fiancé ever,” I yelled across the water.

  I needed the outlet. She was too much. I turned back around grinning at her. “I can’t wait to show Skylar. She’s going to freak.” I wanted to tell everyone because Olivia was too amazing and everyone should know.

  “Okay, okay,” Olivia laughed, pulling me back from the edge. “Why do I get the feeling if I don’t pull you back into the car you’re just going to jump into that lake and disappear with all this energy of yours?”

  “Because once again, you know me.” I grinned, falling into her. “I wouldn’t disappear though. You’d see me like a little dot getting smaller and smaller until I turned around to swim back to you.”

  “Okay well, if you really need to do that, go ahead, I’ll just go get my book,” she teased.

  “Don’t,” I started, putting my finger on her chest. “Tempt me.” I swung our hands back and forth and then pulled her toward land. “You should know better given my history.”

  I could do it. Whatever happened with my parents, I would get through. Olivia would help me and I would help her. Neither of us had great home lives but now we would start our own family, the two of us.

  “Come on,” she growled playfully, pulling me back to the car.

  I got in the passenger side, buckling the seat belt and twisting so I could watch her get in. “How long have you been planning this?”

  “I dunno,” she sighed, slamming the door and pulling her seat belt on. I think she was finally coming down from her fit of emotions. “When did I first ask you?” She pretended not to know.

  “After we had sex,” I answered. “Which I took as an indication of my skills.” I was teasing her, feeling full of myself.

  “Unlike someone, I’d want to marry you even if we weren’t fucking,” she teased. “But yes, even before that happened I was definitely imagining our imaginary wedding in my vivid delusional daydreams.”

  “Can a daydream with us getting married really be considered delusional? I admit I hadn’t thought about it till you brought it up. I feel like it would have been inevitable.” I wanted to believe it. “After I got my shit together and told you that I loved you, that is.”

  “We’d only really been mutually kissing for 24 hours, Avery. It was certainly delusional on my part. I tend to go overboard. This was a classic example.”

  “Right,” I nodded. “Sometimes I forget that I haven’t known you forever.” I grinned as she pushed her foot down hard on the gas. “I hate thinking about how I acted when you first admitted your feelings for me.”

  My thumb was running over and over my ring, enjoying the edges of the hard stone on my skin. I wished we were heading somewhere else but I felt the ring like a shield. It was my aegis against the world.

  “You know, this ring comes with the added bonus of making people think twice about hitting on me,” I chuckled.

  “I’m not exactly scary,” she said. “I know I intimidate people but that’s just sort of odd, isn’t it? I don’t even do anything and people are scared of me. That’s why I liked you. You didn’t take my shit.”

  “You didn’t intimidate me. You were mad and I didn’t know why. I was intrigued and a little pissed off but not intimidated.”

  “I wasn’t mad exactly. I was frustrated. It wasn’t personal,” she explained.

  My eyebrows rose. “I know it wasn’t personal. That’s why I didn’t take it that way. I went to Ben and asked him why he even set up the interview if you didn’t want to do it. I figured it was one of those weird things that he did when he was being all fetish heavy.”

  “Do you really not remember calling me a teacher’s pet? That was personal. And definitely backwards given your position… Not that I want to think about that but yea no, you totally insulted me. It was hot.”

  “What? Really?” I smacked her arm lightly. “I feel so accomplished now. You just rubbed me the wrong way a little. I didn’t think teacher’s pet was that bad of an insult. I guess to you it would be. We all have different triggers.”

  “No one ever asked me how I felt like that… So personally… I didn’t even know you and I knew you were upset at me, this completely annoying stranger, but it still felt like you wanted to know the truth. I couldn’t believe that...” Olivia was always overprocessing things.

  “I did.” I played with her arm, smoothing my hand along her skin all the way d
own to her fingers and then starting again. I just wanted to touch her as much as I could before we got back. “Which was different for me at the time. You were the first person to really interest me in a long time and now I know why.”

  “I’m not sure I really interested you as much as pulled the rug out from under your feet. Don’t lie, sweetie, you didn’t know what to do with me. That was obvious.” She looked over at me truthfully. “I loved that part too. Well, not really, I hated it because it was so confusing but I loved that I did something to you, made you feel something, even if you weren’t exactly sure what that something was.”

  “No, I had no idea what to do with you.” She wasn’t stopping my actions with her arm so I moved up her shoulder, touching her hair. “I had never, ever had feelings like that. You hit me like a storm and I was like Dorothy in the middle of it. Now, Oz is home.”

  There were a lot of comparisons I could make but none as perfect as that in my mind. “You know when she gets to the Emerald City and the movie turns to color? That’s what happened to me.”

  “But I thought you were Galinda,” she teased. “Riding in on that sanitized bubble. Dorothy had an awakening but it was all about home… About appreciating what she didn’t appreciate before, the people, the feelings. No,” she said. “You’re more Galinda… Not movie Glinda, she was evil and vapid. Wicked- Galinda; layered, adorable, real.”

  I nearly squealed but I kept my cool. “You’re talking theater to me. That’s probably not something you should do when driving.” Acting gave me a chance to be someone else for awhile. When I was acting I could use the emotions I stored. It was my outlet, like swimming, but more evolutionary in the way that I used it.

  She started moving her hand around in the car, groping for something, flipping open compartments and checking in the popular crevices. She found a cd and pushed it into the slot on the dash.

  With a flick of her wrist she jacked the volume up until all of a sudden the opening number of Wicked sounded and drown us completely. I clapped, getting ready to sing.