[M__M 03] Misery Loves Company

by Tracey Martin

Dozens of red scabs crisscrossed my palms. I flexed my fingers for her. “I’ve had worse injuries. Actually, given how badly I’ve been beaten up in the past couple months, a few scrapes and bruises is nothing.”

  “True. But I’m glad it’s not worse.”

  We descended into an awkward silence. I picked at the label on my bottle with my thumbnail. The pretty speech I’d been rehearsing just didn’t flow naturally now that I was here. And did I really want to make speeches anyway? That was silly. Speeches were what you gave to faceless, nameless people. They shouldn’t be what you gave to the people who knew you.

  Steph had been my best friend for ten years. Through the worst times of my life and her own. So to hell with speeches. All that I should need was a question.

  I set down the bottle. “So now what?”

  “Now what?” Far from putting her own beer down, Steph clutched the bottle tighter.

  “Look, I know you said you needed time. I get that. I kind of dropped a bomb on you without any warning. On the other hand, you’ve known me for a decade, and you know more about me than almost anyone else on this planet. The entire time you’ve known me, you’ve known about my abilities. You were there when they developed. So even this ‘without warning’ thing almost feels like a copout. We knew I was a freak. You simply didn’t know exactly what flavor of freak I am.”

  I took a deep breath. I shouldn’t have put that bottle down. My hands twitched with the need to do something to release my tension, but curling them into fists was painful. “Things are changing, Steph. Not me, but the world around me. There’s a lot I haven’t told you, and it’s partly because I was scared of your reaction, but it’s also because I didn’t want to dump a whole lot of weirdness on you. You have your own life, and it’s a decent one. You have a good job. And for once, you have a decent boyfriend. You didn’t need me to fill your head with magical crap that I only ever half believed or understood. But I can’t ignore that crap anymore because whatever I believe or understand—I don’t think that matters.”

  “You’re scaring me, Jess.” Steph finally relinquished the beer. “What are these things you’re talking about?”

  I held up a hand. “There are lots of them, but before we go there, I need to know where you stand. I could use your support, but if you give it to me, I need to know you mean it. People I care about were attacked yesterday because they’re friends with me. I don’t want to put you, or anyone else, at risk. So think about that before you give me an answer. I’m not just asking whether you can forgive me for hiding what I am from you, or whether you can overlook what I am. I’m asking whether it’s worth it to you to do that. Really worth it.”

  So much for not giving speeches, but at least I hadn’t planned that one.

  I reached for my beer. My mouth was dry, and I needed to do something while I waited for Steph’s response.

  Besides feel my intestines tie themselves into a fun assortment of knots, that was.

  I told myself I would walk if Steph couldn’t handle this. Even if Steph lied and claimed she could, I would walk. For her sake. But the truth was I’d rather face down an army of sylphs.

  Death was less scary than losing my best friend.

  Steph picked at loose threads on her throw pillow. Her anxiety had been strong since I arrived, and her fear had grown stronger as I spoke. But there were other emotions buried in her too. Ones I didn’t sense too often and therefore had a harder time discerning.

  Abruptly, she punched the pillow and tossed it away. “This is stupid.”

  Well, that was unexpected. “Stupid?”

  “You remember the night we met?”

  “Not likely to forget it.”

  “Exactly.” Steph drank heavily of her beer. “I’d gotten the shit kicked out of me by a few bigoted assholes, and you concocted what I thought was this absolutely fucked-up crazy revenge plan to nick their souls and trade them away for some other girl’s soul. For the record, when I say I thought it was fucked-up crazy, I mean it was brilliant.”

  “For the record, you thought it was crazy and wouldn’t work.”

  Steph waved away my disagreement. “Point is, you’ve had my back since we met. And when I decided I was done pretending to be a boy and started living as a woman, you were one of the only people I knew who didn’t give me the side eye, if they didn’t outright cut me from their lives. You’ve never had trouble accepting me for who and what I am. What kind of shitty person would I be if I couldn’t do the same?”

  Carefully, I set the beer back down, afraid I would drop it. “Being transgender isn’t quite the same thing as finding out you’re a pred, even an abnormal pred.”

  “No, but it’s not like you’re a serial killer either.”

  “No, but I have used my ability to influence people’s desires to my advantage.”

  “For good causes.” She wrinkled her nose. “Mostly. Are you trying to talk me out of my decision? It’s not like I came to this realization tonight. I’ve been thinking a lot and generally pissing myself off the past couple days.”

  I bit my lip, willing myself to relax so my voice would be steady. “I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I just want to make sure you heard what I said and know what you’re getting into.”

  “Bitch. I know my own mind, and you cannot toss me aside like an empty beer bottle. I’m not going anywhere, Jess. You’re stuck with me. We’re like family. More than family because my family mostly sucks, as you now understand firsthand. But I couldn’t choose them. I can choose you.”

  I didn’t move. All my attention was focused on Steph. I was prying into her head, which I tried never to do with her, but I had to be sure. Had to be so damned positive that she meant what she said.

  The pessimist in me—which was basically ninety percent of my personality—could not believe she meant it. Yet I could detect no trace that she didn’t.

  Steph wasn’t abandoning me.

  I couldn’t hold in my relief any longer, and I doubled over and it gushed out of me in a massive breath. Tears burned my eyes, and I forced them to retreat. Where the hell had they come from? I didn’t cry. I never cried, not since I’d been kicked out of the Gryphon pre-training program.

  Besides, nothing would freak out Steph more than me getting all teary.

  Except maybe me getting all teary and telling her I thought the apocalypse was upon us. But really, the apocalypse was more than enough for one evening.

  So I’d breathe. And continue breathing. Just a few more breaths until I regained my wits.

  “Jess?” Steph whacked me with a pillow. “Don’t get all emotional on me.”

  “I’m not,” I said, keeping my face buried in my hands.

  “Damn you.” She shifted over and pulled me into an uncomfortably positioned hug. “I’m hugging a satyr. Do you know how strange that is?”

  I managed a laugh. “Not so strange, considering what I’ve done with one. Er, one or more.”

  Steph pretended to shudder. “Yes, but you are one.”

  “So I’m starting to accept.” I grabbed her hands. “Thank you for accepting it too.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. After all that buildup, I’m not letting you leave until you fill me in on all that magical bullshit you were teasing me with. Plus anything else about being a satyr that you’ve been neglecting to mention.”

  “Everything?”

  “Everything.”

  “Including how they have better stamina than your average romance-novel hero?”

  Steph took the bottles into the kitchen. “Especially that. I’ll make popcorn.”

  My smile faded as she turned away. All joking aside, I had a feeling Steph was going to want something a lot stronger than popcorn by the time I finished talking.

  I could have spent the whole evening regaling Steph with all the sordid details I’d been keeping from her, but
by eleven o’clock I was getting a buzz off the way her head spun. I’d started her off gently, sharing the fun bits before transitioning to the serious events on the horizon. But ultimately, what I had to tell her was not a happy story, and no amount of joking about satyr equipment could overcome the anxiety I’d seeded in her blood.

  I left before Jim got home, sensing that she was overwhelmed. “You need to get up in six hours for work tomorrow,” I reminded her.

  “You think I’m going to get any sleep tonight?” Yet despite her potently tangerine fear, Steph yawned.

  Yeah, she’d sleep, and I could use some of that myself. Fortunately, I had the hit of her emotions to keep me going for a bit longer. There was someone else I needed to talk to before falling into bed.

  The Lair was closed and the front window boarded up, but I could see a light shining through the glass in the door. Before I could test whether it was unlocked, it swung open.

  “Don’t ever say again that I can’t be bothered to get up for you,” Lucen said.

  “I thought we established it would be a tragedy if that were the case.”

  “Given I’m satyr, I think it would be more like a farce.”

  I stood on my tiptoes and planted a delicate kiss on his lips. His injuries had already healed, but I couldn’t say the same for the damage to the bar.

  Lucen pulled me into the room, then shut and locked the door behind me. “Everything settled with your case?”

  “Mostly. There are still a few souls at large, but the Gryphons continue to track them down.”

  I watched him head behind the bar, admiring the way the warm lighting caught the palest streaks in his golden hair, how his dusty T-shirt clung to his broad chest, and the way his jeans hugged his ass.

  Angelia had been right about that. It was a very nice ass.

  Lucen glanced over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow, giving me the impression that he knew exactly what I’d been staring at. “Something to drink, little siren? I’m not going to be reopening for a couple days, I expect.”

  “Water would be good.”

  “Water?” He snorted in disbelief. “We’re not doing that again, are we? I remember a time when you wouldn’t accept alcohol from me.”

  I wandered over to the table where he’d obviously been working before I arrived. “I had a beer earlier.”

  Lucen’s insurance policy was spread out across the table, and he appeared to have been making damage estimates. Although he’d already done a lot to clean the place up, it still was in disarray. Besides the boarded-up window, a stack of broken chairs sat in the far corner, and one table was covered with the random artwork that used to hang on the walls. Nearly all the glassware was gone too. Smashed along with the liquor bottles.

  Lucen set a glass of water down by me. “It’s truly exciting stuff you’re looking at.”

  “Enough to make you wish you were fighting sylphs again?”

  He pulled a chair over. “I’d love another fight with the sylphs. I dream of being the one to beat the ever-loving shit out of Assym.” He swung his leg around the chair and sat backward on it. “Have you come to save me from my paperwork? Tell me you have.”

  “Maybe.” I slipped my fingers through his hair, but the chairback dug into me as I tried to get closer. Damn his habit of sitting stupidly.

  On the other hand, his face was about breast height, and he nuzzled me through my shirt.

  I sucked in a breath as Lucen kissed me through the fabric, his teeth lightly biting at my nipple. “I think you have.”

  I bent closer, gliding my nails over the back of his neck, burrowing my nose in his hair. I could detect rosemary among his natural cinnamon, the scent of his shampoo.

  “More nails,” he murmured into me, and when I pressed them deeper into the lightly sweaty skin on his upper back, I could hear his breath catch. He suckled me harder, and I gasped, every muscle clenching with my building desire.

  “You’re going to get my shirt all wet.”

  “Fuck your shirt. I want to get you wet. Take it off. In fact, can we just agree that whenever we’re alone together, you should be naked? That would make me very happy.” He glanced up at me with his most endearingly puppylike expression. “You want to make me happy, don’t you?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Always. But we do live in a cold climate.”

  “Yes, but it’s summer.” He reached around the chair and grazed the skin just below my shirt hem with his fingertips.

  I shivered. I swore I could feel that touch everywhere, shooting up my nerves into my breasts and down to my stomach and my sensitive skin below. My nipples ached as they hardened, and I tossed my shirt on top of his papers. When he touched me that way, I wanted to do everything he asked. “Better?”

  He licked his lips. “It’s a start.”

  I could feel his gaze roaming over me as I drank some of the water. Heavy and hungry. I longed to give in to it, but not yet. I’d come over for a reason, and I couldn’t let myself be distracted. No matter how hot my blood burned for him.

  “Strip for me, Jess. I’ve been cleaning up this disaster area all day. I want to see something beautiful.”

  I closed my eyes. I loved the way he watched me when I did that for him. The way his eyes devoured me. The way he made me feel like I was the single most amazing thing on this planet.

  I sucked in a breath through clenched teeth, my jeans suddenly chafing as heat gathered between my legs. “Not yet.” I set the water down and returned to him, tousling his hair once more but keeping enough distance so that he couldn’t touch his lips to my bare skin. I might lose the will to continue if he did. “Did Devon tell you what we talked about when I was at Purgatory the other night?”

  Lucen sighed. “I take it you’re not referring to the conversation in which he rhapsodized about your ass?”

  “Um, no.”

  Lucen shook with silent laughter. “Yes, little siren, he told me your feminine wiles seduced him into spilling all our darkest satyr secrets.”

  “Oh, yeah. I seduced him. You’re both hilarious.” I slid my hand down his cheek, trying to turn this conversation serious. “I wish you’d been the one to tell me these things.”

  He grabbed my hand and pressed it deeper against him. Stubble bristled against my sore palm, but I made no move to withdraw it. Touching him would always be better than not touching him. No pain could change that. “I should have. You’re right. And it’s not that I didn’t think you deserved to know, it’s just…”

  I waited while he closed his eyes. “Just what?”

  Lucen swallowed. “I didn’t know how to tell you that I chose to forget.”

  “Do you wish you could still remember your old life?” His expression was killing me inside. So sad. I wanted to drape his face with kisses until he smiled again, but he held my hand tightly.

  “No, it’s not that. How can you care about things you don’t remember?” At last he loosened his grip on me, bringing my hand to his lips and gently kissing my knuckles. But he wouldn’t look at me. He cast his gaze on the spot of floor between us. “I didn’t want to tell you because I made the weak choice. I chose to lose part of myself rather than deal with the regret, the pain of knowing what I’d lost on top of the physical pain of the transformation. I didn’t have the strength to see the whole thing through. I don’t doubt that I chose this life for myself, little siren. But I was too weak to deal with the consequences of my choice. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it.”

  There was no mischief, not even hunger, in his eyes when he raised his head to me now. Only regret and embarrassment.

  But that was wrong. So utterly wrong for him to feel that way.

  I removed my hand from his and cupped his cheeks. “You’re not weak.” I kissed his forehead, leaving my lips pressed to his skin. “I’ve felt that physical pain, or something close to i
t when Lucrezia cursed me. It was horrible. Torture. Wanting to forget what you had before makes perfect sense. There’s nothing weak about that.”

  The memory of it, the thought of Lucen suffering with that same insatiable agony, made my heart wail, and I burned with this fierce desire to shield him from any more pain.

  In that moment, it no longer mattered to me if he chose this life. I didn’t care. He was right that the past was in the past, and the person he was before was not the person he was now. And it was the person he was now who I needed in my life.

  I kissed him again and again, drawing my lips over his eyelids, his nose, the blond hairs on his cheeks and chin. I took his bottom lip in mine and caressed it with my tongue. I kissed him to chase away any notion that he should regret what he’d done or be ashamed of it.

  And although I intended the kisses to be sweet and chaste, desire stirred in me again, sparked by this hint of vulnerability I’d discovered. I’d always felt like I was laying myself bare before him, the one who needed him to assure me that everything was going to be okay.

  Learning he had his own insecurities, that there were parts of his life he was nervous baring to me, just made my heart cry out for him more. And made me want him more. To show him how strong and sexy and perfect I thought he was.

  “You’re not weak, and you will never convince me otherwise after all you’ve done.”

  “I don’t think you’d have done it. You’re strong, Jess.”

  “We don’t know what I’d have done. And you’re plenty strong. However you started off, you rose to become Dezzi’s number two, and then you risked that position to help me. You could have blasted me with your magic any time over these last ten years, and instead you waited patiently until I saw how amazing you are. Those aren’t the things weak people do. They don’t risk everything for others. They don’t refuse to take advantage of others when they have the means.” I crouched down to eye level with him. “And you put up with my shit. Not many people seem capable of that.”

  Lucen allowed himself to smirk. “It’s only fair given what you have to put up with for me.”