How to Be a Normal Person

by TJ Klune

  Casey was supposed to be back in a week, and Gus was ready for it. He’d told himself it was fine that Casey was gone, that he’d survived almost thirty years without him. Truth be told, he wasn’t fine. Not that he’d admit it to anyone, but Gus missed Casey more than he thought he would. It was absolutely ridiculous, though. Obviously Gustavo Tiberius did not pine and therefore did not sit around moping and waiting for his boyfriend to return so they could skip off into the sunset—

  “You’re moping,” Bernice said.

  Gus glared. “That’s not even remotely true. And stop reading my mind.”

  She shrugged. “It’s a thing I do. I can’t help it.”

  “Liar. Prove it.”

  “Fine. I’ll read your mind right now.”

  “Fine. Go ahead. See if I care.”

  Gus resolutely did not think about Casey.

  “You’re thinking about Casey.”

  “Goddammit.”

  “It’s okay to miss him,” Bertha said. “He’s a big part of your life. It’s hard when that goes away for a while.”

  “I’m fine,” Gus said. “It’s only one more week.”

  “I think it’s sweet,” Betty said. “Who knew you could be so smitten with someone.”

  Gus scowled at the We Three Queens. “Never use the word smitten to describe me ever again. What the hell.”

  Lottie came in a moment later, her drag queen hair trailing behind her. “Ladies,” she said. “And Gus. I have your egg salad.” She set the sandwich on the counter.

  Gus looked at it suspiciously. “Are there pickles in it? God help you if there are pickles in it.”

  Lottie rolled her eyes. “No pickles, Gus. There have never been pickles. There will never be pickles.”

  “I have to check,” Gus said. “For all I know, one day you’ll decide to take revenge against me for some perceived slight and put pickles in it.”

  “Ah,” Lottie said. “But then I wouldn’t even tell you, though, would I? I would just want to see your face when you bit into a pickle. The satisfaction that it would bring me would be immense.”

  “I don’t want it,” Gus said, sliding the sandwich back toward her. “Take your revenge food and leave my store forever.”

  “Cadet!” Betty said. “Inspirational message for the day!”

  “Ooh,” Lottie said. “Right. I forgot to ask you this morning.”

  “That’s because you made me list all costume design nominees in the 1950s,” Gus grumbled. “I’m not your circus elephant. You can’t make me do tricks on command.”

  Lottie patted the back of his hand. “You sort of are our circus elephant.”

  “I’ve seen you eat peanuts,” Bernice said helpfully.

  Gus rolled his eyes. “I don’t think you—”

  “Cadet!”

  “Ugh. Fine. The message said that today was the first day of the rest of my life and that I should make the most of it. Honestly, I’ve always hated that expression. If today is the first day, then what the hell was yesterday? Or tomorrow? What if today was the only day? I could walk home tonight and be hit by a bus or a meteor or whatever. Stupid.”

  They stared at him.

  It was cool. He was used to it.

  However, he was not used to them… lingering.

  Lottie had brought him his food. She should have gone back to her shop.

  The We Three Queens had gotten their movie and harassed him. They should go back to their den of lesbian triads (or sisterly affections).

  But they were lingering. Even after letting him vent about stupid inspirational messages that he most certainly did not adore at all, they were still here. He finished his complaining for the day and fell silent.

  But they didn’t leave.

  Gus narrowed his eyes. “What did you do?”

  “Nothing at all,” Bertha said immediately.

  “I don’t do things,” Bernice said.

  “Of course you don’t, dear,” Betty said.

  “You’re a Suspicious Sally,” Lottie said.

  “That’s not a thing,” Gus said.

  “It’s a thing,” Lottie said. “Everyone knows it’s a thing.

  “You’re loitering on my premises,” Gus said. “All of you. Why?”

  They smiled at him.

  “Are you going to sacrifice me?” Gus asked. “Is that what this is?”

  “Of course not,” Bernice said. “You’re not a virgin.”

  “That’s… not comforting,” Gus said.

  “Do we need to have a reason to want to spend time with you?” Bertha asked.

  “Yes,” Gus said.

  “Maybe we just want to see your face,” Betty said.

  “You could take a picture,” Gus said. “And then leave.”

  “You heard him, ladies,” Lottie said. “Gus wants a selfie. Everyone smoosh in.”

  “What? That’s not what I said! No smooshing. No smoosh—oh, goddammit.”

  They all crowded around the counter, smooshing Gus. Lottie held up her phone in front of them and the flash went off.

  “Did you know they make things called selfie sticks?” Bertha asked as they uncrowded Gus. “You put your phone on the end of it and then it has further reach for the photo.”

  “That sounds literally like the worst thing ever invented,” Gus said. “If I saw anyone using that, I would punch them in the liver.”

  “Of course you would,” Betty said. “We wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  “I wouldn’t be caught dead—”

  Gus’s phone rang, a monophonic beep.

  “Even his phone rings like it’s sad,” Bernice whispered quite loudly. “Do you think it knows it’s outdated?”

  Gus wanted to scowl at her, but Casey was calling and he couldn’t stop the smile on his face. It was terrible.

  “Aww,” all the ladies said.

  “Oh my god,” Gus muttered. He connected the call. “Gustavo Tiberius speaking.”

  “It’s so weird you do that, man,” Casey said, sounding amused. “Every time I call.”

  “It’s polite,” Gus said. “Just because you kids these days don’t have proper phone etiquette.”

  “Oh boy,” Casey said. “There’s the Grumpy Gus I know. You miss me?”

  Gus was well aware the others could hear the conversation loud and clear. He was also aware he had a reputation to maintain. “Hadn’t really thought about it.”

  “Really.”

  “Yes.”

  “Gus.”

  “Casey.”

  “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too,” Gus mumbled into the phone, blushing fiercely as the We Three Queens and Lottie tittered at him like little birds.

  “Yeah? How much?”

  Gus was in hell. “A lot,” he said truthfully. “There have been allegations made against my person of pining and moping. False allegations, mind you, but allegations nonetheless.”

  “I know what you mean,” Casey said. “The guys were saying the same thing about me.”

  Gus smiled. “How embarrassing for you.”

  “Completely. You have no idea.”

  “They’re going to get you packed up this week?”

  “Ah, yeah. Sure. Something like that.”

  “Casey.”

  “Yes, Gustavo.”

  “You’re being cagey.”

  “I have no idea what you mean. Hey, man. That’s a nice Hawaiian shirt you’ve got on. Pink? I don’t think I’ve seen you in that color before.”

  Gus shrugged. “Pastor Tommy had a shitload of them. I think I could wear one every day for the rest of the year and not repeat. I think he may have had a bit of a….” Gus trailed off when his hand started shaking. Then, “How did you know what I was wearing?”

  There was a knock on the window to the Emporium. Gus looked up.

  Standing on the sidewalk was Casey. His hair was pulled up in a messy bun, strands hanging loosely around his face. His beard had gotten fuller in the last few weeks, and G
us wondered what it would feel like against his cheek. He was wearing bright green skinny jeans and a white and red shirt that proclaimed him to be a member of the 1987 Pasadena Bulldogs Women’s Softball team. His glasses were sitting on top of his head. He looked ridiculous. And like the greatest thing Gus had ever seen.

  Casey waggled his eyebrows at Gus. “Hey, man.”

  “Hi,” Gus croaked.

  “Come over here, but stay on the phone, okay?”

  Gus didn’t even argue, unable to take his eyes off Casey. He hadn’t expected him for another week, but here he was on a pretty Saturday afternoon, standing outside the Emporium like it was no big deal.

  Gus went to the window, and Casey smiled that lazy smile.

  He said, “Hi.”

  Gus said, “Hi.”

  “So, I’ve spent the last two days driving back,” Casey said. “Tried to make it a surprise, you know?”

  “I’m very surprised,” Gus managed to say, about ten seconds away from busting through the glass just so he could hug Casey close.

  The smile widened. “Good. I’ve had some time to think about things, man. About a lot of things. And I came to this realization as I drove past Weed, California. Gus. It was called Weed, California. It was a sign.”

  Gus didn’t even try to stop the eye roll. “Oh my god.”

  “Right? Kismet. Because right when I entered Weed, California, I was thinking about you and it hit me. Gus, it hit me.”

  “What did?”

  Casey put his hand up against the glass. Gus did the same on his side. “Hey, Gus?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m going to ask you a question, okay?”

  Gustavo’s throat felt very dry. “Okay.”

  “It’s all right.”

  “I know.”

  “What was the Oscar winner for Best Song in 1984?”

  Automatically, Gus answered, “Stevie Wonder for the movie The Woman in Red. The song was ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You.’” It was fine, of course. Because he knew the answer to the question. He knew all those things. He didn’t know why Casey wanted to—

  And then he could barely breathe.

  Casey’s smile wobbled a little bit. “Okay?”

  Gus blinked the burn away. He nodded as best he could.

  And Casey said, “Yeah, man. I love you too.”

  Gus didn’t even care that he dropped his phone then. All that mattered was getting as close to Casey as humanely possible. He threw open the door to the Emporium and suddenly found himself with an armful of hipster. Casey laughed wetly into his neck and Gus just held on as hard as he could. He thought that it was possible that he might never be in a position to let go. For some reason, that didn’t bother him in the slightest.

  (Nine thousand, two hundred, and eighty-one days before he died, a man named Thomas Tiberius held his son in his arms for the very first time and tearfully said, “Look at you. Just look at you. Your little hands. Your little face. My god. Your little face. I never realized. I never thought it could be like this. Hello. Hello, little Gustavo. I love you. I love you. I love you. Oh my god, my son, I love you.”)

  LATER, AFTER everything had calmed down, while the We Three Queens and Lottie wiped their eyes and Gus finally let Casey go (but continued to hold on to his hand tightly), Casey frowned and said, “Huh.”

  “What?” Gus asked, trying to ignore how happy he sounded. It really was the worst.

  He shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I was just thinking about a question I had, man. For the We Three Queens.”

  “Oh?” Bertha said. “What question?”

  “If your question is to ask if you can come and live with me and write me stories, the answer is yes,” Bernice said with slightly crazy eyes. “Always yes. Forever yes.”

  “Rein it back in, dear,” Betty said.

  “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Casey said. “It’s personal.”

  And Gus knew what he was going to ask.

  Holy.

  Shit.

  Finally.

  “But you all have different last names,” Casey continued. “And I can never tell. So, don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sisters? Friends?”

  “Or in a polygamous lesbian relationship,” Gus whispered in Casey’s ear.

  “Or in a polygamous lesbian relationship,” Casey said.

  The We Three Queens smiled and joined hands, curling their fingers into one another’s.

  “It’s so funny you should ask that,” Bertha said.

  “We thought it was obvious,” Bernice said.

  “Exactly,” Betty said. “Why, anyone can see that we’re—”

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  Available from

  www.dreamspinnerpress.com

  Book One of the Elementally Evolved series

  Set in a world that closely resembles our own, Burn is a story of redemption and betrayal, of family and sacrifice, which leads to the greatest question of all: how far would you go to save the ones you love?

  Fifteen years ago, Felix Paracel killed his mother with fire that shot from his hands. Since then, he has hidden from forces bent on exploiting him and his fire and wind Elemental abilities. But Felix’s world is about to change, because he is Findo Unum—the Split One—and his coming has been foretold for generations.

  Though Felix’s arrival brings great joy to the Elemental world, it also heralds a coming darkness. No one knows this better than Seven, the mysterious man who rescued Felix from that horrible fire years ago and then disappeared... who now has returned to claim what’s rightfully his: Felix’s heart. But even as Felix begins to trust Seven and his feelings about his place in the world, the darkness reveals itself, bringing consequences no one could have predicted.

  Five years ago, Benji Green lost his beloved father, Big Eddie, when his truck crashed into a river. Everyone called it an accident, but Benji knows it was more. Even years later, he’s buried in his grief, throwing himself into managing Big Eddie’s convenience store in the small-town of Roseland, Oregon. Surrounded by his mother and three aunts, he lives day to day, struggling to keep his head above water.

  But Roseland is no ordinary place.

  With ever more frequent dreams of his father’s death and waking visions of feathers on the river’s surface, Benji finds his definition of reality bending. He thinks himself haunted; by ghosts or memories, he can no longer tell. Not until a man falls from the sky, leaving the burning imprint of wings on the ground, does Benji begin to understand that the world is more mysterious than he ever imagined—and more dangerous. As uncontrollable forces descend on Roseland, they reveal long-hidden truths about friends, family, and the stranger Calliel—a man Benji can no longer live without.

  John and Jackie first laid eyes on each other when they were twelve years old. Now, seventy-one years later, Jack prepares to give his beloved husband the ultimate gift. Before he does, they’ll relive five key moments from their younger lives together over the course of a single afternoon. From their first meeting and first kiss to the violence of an abusive father and the heartache of growing up, these moments have defined who they have become. As sunset approaches, John will show the depths of his love for the one man who has made him whole: his Jackie. They’ll soon learn there is no force more powerful than their devotion to one another.

  Once upon a time, in an alleyway in the slums of the City Of Lockes, a young and somewhat lonely boy named Sam Haversford turns a group of teenage douchebags into stone completely by accident.

  Of course, this catches the attention of a higher power, and Sam’s pulled from the only world he knows to become an apprentice to the King’s Wizard, Morgan of Shadows.

  When Sam’s fourteen, he enters the Dark Woods and returns with Gary, the hornless gay unicorn, and a half-giant named Tiggy, earning the moniker Sam of Wilds.

  At fifteen, Sam learns what love truly is when a new knight arrives at the castle—Knight Ryan Foxheart, the dreamies
t dream to have ever been dreamed.

  Naturally, it all goes to hell when Ryan dates the reprehensible Prince Justin, Sam can’t control his magic, a sexually aggressive dragon kidnaps the prince, and the King sends them on an epic quest to save Ryan’s boyfriend, all while Sam falls more in love with someone he can never have.

  Or so he thinks.

  Do you believe in love at first sight?

  Paul Auster doesn’t. Paul doesn’t believe in much at all. He’s thirty, slightly overweight, and his best features are his acerbic wit and the color commentary he provides as life passes him by. His closest friends are a two-legged dog named Wheels and a quasibipolar drag queen named Helena Handbasket. He works a dead-end job in a soul-sucking cubicle, and if his grandmother’s homophobic parrot insults him one more time, Paul is going to wring its stupid neck.

  Enter Vince Taylor.

  Vince is everything Paul isn’t: sexy, confident, and dumber than the proverbial box of rocks. And for some reason, Vince pursues Paul relentlessly. Vince must be messing with him, because there is no way Vince could want someone like Paul.

  But when Paul hits Vince with his car—in a completely unintentional if-he-died-it’d-only-be-manslaughter kind of way—he’s forced to see Vince in a whole new light. The only thing stopping Paul from believing in Vince is himself—and that is one obstacle Paul can’t quite seem to overcome. But when tragedy strikes Vince’s family, Paul must put aside any notions he has about himself and stand next to the man who thinks he’s perfect the way he is.

  Three years ago, Bear McKenna’s mother took off for parts unknown with her new boyfriend, leaving Bear to raise his six-year-old brother Tyson, aka the Kid. Somehow they’ve muddled through, but since he’s totally devoted to the Kid, Bear isn’t actually doing much living—with a few exceptions, he’s retreated from the world, and he’s mostly okay with that. Until Otter comes home.