Under an Amber Sky

by Rose Alexander

  ‘Work like that – it takes your mind off everything else. At least, it always has done in the past. But not this time. I determined that I wasn’t going to come back until I’d found Jelena. It was the only way I could think of to beat Darko at his own game.’

  A smile broke across Ton’s face as Sophie gazed at his silhouette, speechless. Her breath caught in her throat. She was mesmerized, by Ton and by his words. For the first time she saw, really, properly saw, how unutterably gorgeous he was.

  Catching her gaze, Ton pulled her to her feet. He took her to their makeshift decking dance floor, hastily constructed at the last minute when Anna had panicked that there’d be nowhere for people to gyrate to her extensive and agonized-over song list. He held her close and they swayed to some make-believe music. In the darkness, a nightingale sang, borrowing the glitter of the stars to make its song. The perfection of the moment was almost too much to bear.

  ‘I’m glad I met you, Sophie.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘I came back for you.’

  There were still a couple of people around – they could hear voices from inside the house and the clatter of crockery from the kitchen. Neither wanted company. They lay back down on the stubby grass and looked up at the solar system wheeling above them.

  Sophie was still trying to absorb what Ton had said. What she felt.

  ‘I can’t believe that I had never seen stars like this until I came here,’ she said. ‘All my life – no stars. How could that be?’

  ‘We crave a connection with our natural world,’ affirmed Ton, ‘though so rarely get it.’

  ‘I didn’t even realize that they actually do move the way you see on the astronomy programmes.’ Her own ignorance sometimes astounded Sophie, and not just in matters of the heart.

  Ton’s warm, life-filled hand found hers and held it, squeezing it tight.

  ‘It’s OK, Sophie. I know what you’re thinking.’

  It was the sort of thing that people say and you dismiss. But when Ton said it, she knew that he did.

  ‘Do you think Matt’s one of them? And your friend Max another?’

  It was so childish, like believing in Santa or that there was a man on the moon. Ton didn’t answer, but readjusted and tightened his grip on her hand.

  ‘I miss him so much. But maybe I’ve finally got it into my head that he’s not coming back.’ Saying it confirmed the feeling, the understanding that had been growing day by day. There was no more Matt. There never would be.

  ‘Accepting that doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten him, Sophie. It doesn’t make you a bad person.’

  ‘No.’

  A chill ran through her, despite the sultry heat of the September night. She moved closer to Ton, to where his long, languid body was stretched out beside hers.

  ‘Thank you for taking me to Belgrade.’ Sophie recalled the thrill of speed on the back of Ton’s motorbike, all the sights they had seen. And Jelena, reunited finally with her mother’s letters, penned to a father she had never known. She felt bonded to this country now, in an inexplicable but immutable way. ‘I can’t imagine ever leaving.’

  ‘Why would you have to?’

  ‘I suppose I don’t.’ Sophie considered this for a few minutes before continuing. ‘Because I came in such a state – I suppose it never seemed realistic. It wasn’t realistic, in all honesty.’ A grip of remembrance clenched across her belly. She hadn’t heard anything about the job. It must mean she hadn’t got it. She’d have to start looking further afield, Budva maybe, or even Bar. But would Ton stay? She pushed the panicky thoughts away. Not now, Sophie, she told herself. Time for all that after this weekend’s over.

  She reached across, putting one arm around Ton’s torso and propping herself up on the other, turning her face towards his. ‘I feel so much more at peace since meeting Jelena and returning the letters to their rightful owner. Thank you so much for making that happen.’

  Ton shrugged, his shoulders hunching up and down against the grass. ‘It’s fine. It was my pleasure.’

  He moved his hand, lazily but purposefully, towards her head and entwined his fingers in her hair. Her face was above his and he pulled it gently down until their lips met. The intensity of the kiss took Sophie’s breath away. She found that the hand on Ton’s chest was instinctively reaching inside his shirt to make contact with his flesh, her fingertips yearning for the feel of his warm skin. That skin that by the side of Lake Skadar had felt wrong for not being Matt’s but now felt nothing but right. A visceral longing for human touch, for intimacy, overwhelmed her.

  Suddenly she understood, in a flash of clarity, her feelings for Ton, why she had missed him so intensely during his impromptu disappearance, how she had cherished their days together on their Belgrade trip. Her feelings were not of friendship at all. Or, rather, they were of friendship and so much more. The truth was that what she felt for Ton was love. And as well as love, desire, a longing to hold him and feel him and touch him that she had thought she had lost with the loss of Matt and had never imagined ever experiencing again. And he had said that he came back for her, so he must feel the same.

  The next kiss was even longer and harder. They stayed outside for a long time, kissing and touching, not talking, until they felt the dawn coming and the dew starting to fall around them.

  ‘Let’s go inside,’ murmured Ton into her ear.

  Afterwards, Sophie couldn’t remember how they got into the house or into her bedroom or onto her bed, with its huge, dark wooden head and end boards. Many hours later, when they lay tightly curled in each other’s embrace she shut her eyes and slept, more deeply and restfully than she had for months.

  Chapter 32

  Waking up, the first thing she did was look at her clock. It was midday. She had slept way too late. Annoyance at letting that happen immediately mingled with an overpowering sensation of horror. Tentatively, almost too scared for what she might find, she turned her head to look at the bed beside her. It was empty. Hatred of herself suffused her every pore. Remorse pumped through her veins more forcefully than her blood.

  It was too soon to abandon Matt’s memory. To move on. To find someone else. Much, much too soon. What on earth had she been thinking of? She sank back into the covers, grateful at least that he had gone. She had no idea what she was going to say to him when she saw him. She wanted to die.

  ***

  Eventually, she got up. The house was still and empty. There was a note on the table saying that they had all gone on a sightseeing trip around the old town of Budva. Anna had booked everyone in for supper at the konoba next door; after this, it would be shutting for the winter.

  After long hours of agonized remorse, in which Sophie wandered the house, unable to settle to anything, they got back. But Ton wasn’t with them. Neither was Sue.

  ‘Where are the others?’ Sophie asked casually, as if it were nothing to her, and not naming who she meant, anyway.

  ‘Sue wanted to go to Mount Lovcen,’ replied Anna, equally breezily. ‘So Ton’s taken her on his bike.’

  Sophie had thought she’d felt relieved that Ton was absent, that she didn’t have to face him, to look him in the eye. But now a rush of scorching jealousy seared through her, so hot it burnt. She must have let it show on her face because Anna paused in what she was doing, preparing cold drinks for everyone to take outside on a tray.

  ‘Sophie, what’s the matter?’

  Sophie didn’t want to spoil Anna’s happiness. Her joy for her friend was boundless. But she couldn’t help emitting a pathetic little gulping cry, before she managed to suppress it.

  ‘Sophie!’ Anna wrapped her arms around her and then released them. It was still too hot for daytime hugs. ‘I think I know what happened. But maybe not all of it.’ Her tone was questioning, her expression gently probing.

  ‘We slept together.’

  Anna nodded. ‘You make it sound like a crime.’ She put some more glasses onto the tray. ‘How
was it?’

  Sophie shrugged. ‘Amazing.’

  ‘So what’s the problem?

  ‘Matt.’

  Anna stood in front of Sophie and took her by both wrists. ‘Sophie, Ton could not say this to you but I can. Matt would have wanted you to be happy. He would have been so cross if he thought you were holding back on love, on life, on your future, because of him. You know that really.’

  ‘But if it was too soon for Darko – why isn’t it too soon for Ton?’ Now Sophie couldn’t stop the wail. ‘I don’t understand why I’ve fallen for him so hard. I didn’t realize that I had, until last night. I didn’t realize that he had for me.’

  Anna waved her hand impatiently. ‘Different person. Different situation. Chemistry. I don’t know, Sophie. If there were a formula for love – well, it would be worth a lot of money to the person who could decode it. Look at me and Frank – I had my head and my heart dead set against ever getting involved with anyone again, as well you know. But in the real world, we’re not always as in control as we’d like to think we are.’

  Sophie bit her lip. Unlike Anna, she never thought she was in control; that was the whole problem. She had always let Matt be in control. She was no good at decisions, autonomy. That would have to change – was changing already, she recognized. She’d made a start by coming here. She couldn’t go back to the old ways.

  ‘Maybe you’re right.’

  ‘Not maybe. Definitely.’ Anna sat down on one of the kitchen chairs and pulled Sophie down into the one opposite. She cupped Sophie’s chin in her hand like you do to a small child who you need to know is concentrating.

  ‘Sophie, listen to me.’

  Sophie sniffed and nodded.

  ‘You can’t live with a ghost for ever.’

  ***

  Sophie washed her face and dried her eyes and then went out to sit on the pier with the others. She didn’t feel sociable but didn’t want to appear standoffish or unfriendly.

  Ton and Sue came back on the bike, Sue laughing, her face reddened from the wind. She was wearing the leather jacket Ton had bought for Sophie, before their trip to Belgrade. Sophie forced back the fearsome envy that threatened to consume her once more.

  ‘That was so much fun, Ton, thank you,’ enthused Sue, her voice loud and shrill. She turned to the assembled company. ‘Hey, everybody, Ton is a demon rider. I’ve had the best time ever! I’m going to become a biker and …’ She paused, as a thought seemed to come into her head. ‘Let’s bike around the world together, Ton! Wouldn’t that be amazing?’

  Seizing a few random glasses, empty or not, Sophie ran into the kitchen before she could explode. After practically throwing the glasses into the sink, she fled upstairs to her bedroom.

  She was surprised to hear a knock at her door, barely five minutes later.

  ‘Come in,’ she called, albeit quietly and reluctantly. She hoped it was Irene come to ask her something about plans for the evening and not Anna. She couldn’t bear to rain on Anna’s parade. But it had been too much, out there on the pier, and she’d had to get away.

  A pair of feet hove into her vision. They were large and brown and bare. Not Anna’s and certainly not Irene’s. She looked up, and met Ton’s blue gaze. He stopped a few paces from her, and silently regarded her as she sat motionless on the bed.

  ‘I’m not here to apologize for last night, Sophie.’ Ton’s low, measured tone was so calming, so full of strength. ‘I let my desire for you get the better of me, but I don’t regret it.’

  Sophie turned to the wall and stared at it as if she could disappear through it by strength of mind alone. She thought Ton had finished speaking but then his voice cut through the silence again.

  ‘I’m sorry if you are upset, but I don’t regret it.’

  Sophie gripped the bedsheet in clenched fists. She swallowed hard.

  ‘Sue …’ Her voice wavered and broke and she had to stop and take a deep breath before attempting to continue, still addressing the wall. ‘Is it Sue – would you rather be with Sue? Because if so –’ She was unable to continue.

  Ton gave a short, sharp laugh and even Sophie could hear the incredulity in it. She looked up at him and his head was in his hands and he was shaking it back and forth in incredulous denial. Eventually, he managed to speak.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re worried about Sue.’ He paused for thought for a moment and then resumed, clearly wary of giving the wrong impression and unjustly maligning Sue. ‘She’s a lovely woman and great company but there’s nothing more than that. You know how enthusiastic she is about things – she got a bit carried away with the fresh air and the … well, doing something different, I guess – and you got the wrong impression. That’s all.’

  Sophie twisted the sheet around her knuckles. ‘It’s fine, Ton. You’re a free man; you can do what you like.’

  Ton took a step towards her.

  ‘Look at me, Sophie.’ His voice was sharper now, urgent. ‘Don’t be like this.’ He crouched down before her and put his hands either side of her on the bed, encircling her.

  ‘It’s not you; it’s me. It’s all me.’ Sophie spoke rapidly, as if that would make her words true. Hadn’t she said those same words to Darko? What was wrong with her? She had meant them then. Now she didn’t.

  Ton smiled. ‘Yes, you’re right. It is you. Can’t you see that? For Christ’s sake, I’ve said it to you in so many words.’

  Her brown eyes met his blue ones and they sat, locked in each other’s gaze, for long moments of silence. And then spontaneously reached towards each other and fell back as one onto the bed.

  From the window, they could hear the noise of the others trooping the few paces to the konoba’s tables on the pier next to theirs, and the sound of food and drink being served, laughter, conversations, an occasional loud, inarticulate screech from Tomasz. They were barely aware of them, though, wrapped up in each other, needing no one else.

  Chapter 33

  The next morning, Sophie woke early. It was incomprehensible, even to herself, how differently she felt from the day before. She looked at Ton, sleeping in the bed next to her, one arm flung casually across his eyes, the other touching hers beneath the sheet, and it felt so right. It felt as if he had always been there, and always would be. Sophie clenched her eyes shut and offered up a silent message to Matt. Matt my darling – I need to let go of you now. It’s time. Whether it was an apology, a request for permission or absolution, or a simple statement of fact Sophie did not know.

  A while later, clenching pains in her stomach reminded Sophie that she was hungry; she hadn’t eaten much the day of the wedding as she’d been so busy and yesterday she and Ton had fallen asleep without having supper. She got up and went to make breakfast: scrambled eggs, tomatoes, and toast, with coffee and fresh orange juice. Anna came in as she was laying a tray with two plates, two cups, two glasses. She raised her eyebrows pointedly but said nothing.

  Ton was just stirring when she got back upstairs.

  ‘I’ve got a feeling we’re going to get some news today,’ he said, apropos of nothing, as she laid the tray on the bedside table.

  ‘What kind of news?’ Sophie couldn’t imagine what it could be.

  ‘I don’t know. Just news.’

  Ton took the coffee cup he handed to her. Her phone rang. ‘That’ll be it,’ he said, confidently, carefully sliding back down into the bed, the mug balanced on his chest.

  Sophie looked at her phone but didn’t recognize the number. She answered it.

  ‘Is that Sophie Taylor?’ The voice was familiar but she couldn’t place it. A hot flush suffused her. It had been that way when Alex had phoned with news about Matt. Her mum? Her dad, her brother? Surely not.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, her voice choked.

  ‘It’s Sam Brown here from the international school. I’m calling to say that we’d like to offer you the job of English teacher. Starting with immediate effect.’

  Sophie almost s
creamed. Taking a deep breath to moderate her tone, she tried to reply evenly. ‘That’s absolutely marvellous. Thank you so much. I’m – I’m delighted.’

  ‘So are we, Mrs Taylor. We can’t wait to have you join our team. I’m assuming you can start next Monday? You did say you were available now.’

  ‘Oh yes, definitely.’ Sophie still couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing.

  ‘Fabulous. You’ll receive an email with all the information you need, and we can do the signing of the contract et cetera when you come in. See you then.’

  Sophie sat staring at the phone.

  ‘Good news, I take it,’ said Ton, from behind her back.

  She turned to him. ‘The best. I’m so pleased. I can’t believe it.’

  ‘I can,’ he replied. ‘They’re hardly going to turn down the best English teacher in the bay, are they? They must have thought all their Christmases had come at once when you showed up.’

  ‘Whatever.’ She took away his coffee mug and lay down beside him, propping herself on one elbow so she could see his face. ‘That means I don’t have to go back to London, to England, Ton. I really can stay here – for ever, if I want.’

  She paused. She didn’t want to ask and he didn’t offer. She tried not to think about why not.

  ***

  That evening, once everyone had left to return to whatever part of the globe they had travelled from, the five adult inhabitants of the stone house, together with one little boy, decided to go to the beach. Darko, not knowing what to do with himself now Katie was gone again, came with them.

  They watched the sun set into the sea, sending out a final roar of red before its burning brilliance faded to rose gold and then to a deep orange glow that lingered on into the dusk.