I can’t stop myself from bouncing up and down in excitement.“I started carrying it just for you dear.”Miss Margret says as she pats my cheek. She is a very sweet lady.
Two years ago for Christmas my sister and I went together and bought our mom a charm bracelet with several charms representing important momentsin her life. What we didn’t realize at the time is mom bought us each a charm bracelet with similar charms to hers for the same Christmas. It was rather funny opening them up Christmas morning. Dad was the only one who knew what we were all doing. He swears he didn’t say a word to the three of us about the other. The only thing he did was make sure we all opened them at the same time. He said the initial confusion on our faces was worth having to keep our secrets. I’m not one to wear much jewelry but I’m rarely without it.
After playing dress-up for the better part of an hour we each finally settle on a big floppy hat to match our oversized sunglasses we purchased a few booths prior.
On to the next booth, we search through the purses and jewelry. I found a fantastic messenger style bag that looked like it was made out of old army fatigues. It doesn’t match my hat and glasses, as Brooklyn pointed out, but it definitely suits my personality. I am definitely not the fashionista that Brooklyn is. Brooklyn’s satchel did match her sunglasses and hat, but looked like something my grandmother would carry.“How’s Donnie? Have you seen him lately?”Donnie is Brooklyn’s…well I don’t really know what to call him. They aren’t dating…more or less each other’s fallback.
She shrugged and tried on another necklace from the booth we’ve been wandering through.“He’s fine. Haven’t seen him in a few weeks, not since the last time he dropped hints about having an actual relationship.”
“Why don’t you try? He’s a nice guy. You two definitely share the same…um…interest.”Brooklyn gives me the evil eye. She’s a very private person and doesn’t like certain parts of her life discussed in public. I know this and would never bring them up but Brooklyn being Brooklyn has trust issues. No matter how much she trusts me–and she does–she still gets upset if she thinks anything will slip. I give her a look back that says,‘I know. Watch it.’
“No, I like things the way they are. If he doesn’t he’s welcome to move on.”I sigh. I wish she would try a‘real’relationship, not the casual ones she keeps. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Brooklyn is promiscuous, she’s not. Since she doesn’t trust people she won’t commit to anyone. She, however, doesn’t see other people while casually seeing someone. She shoots me a warning look and I know the subject is closed.
“Hey, H, we have to get moving. Our salon appointment is in 30 minutes.”
~~~
Monday: The sounds of the hottest boy band from our sophomore year of high school streaming from my computer filled my office. How the hell did he get signed into my computer? I know I shut down my system last night, didn’t I? The note left on my computer screen said,
“Remember when you drug me to this concert? I had a great time even though I wouldn’t admit it, but you already knew that. My favorite part was getting to wrap my arms around you to keep you warm when the night cooled down. You insisted on wearing your band tank top and a pair of short shorts leaving you little protection. Please call me. I miss you. x G”
He’s definitely getting creative. A very small part of me, the part of me that hopes and dreams for the happily ever after, the part I force myself to prevent feeling, is starting to look forward to seeing what the next day holds. Then the reality of the situation comes rushing back. Each day he fills my office with a great memory we share. Each day he reminds me how much I once loved and trusted him. I feel it deep in my soul, the feelings I bottled away so many years ago trying to burst to the surface. Then each day there is a pain in my heart. The pain grows stronger and it makes it harder not to feel it all over again. So much time has passed I should be over this but he brings all those feelings to the surface more and more every day. The feeling is crushing like I can’t escape from the past. Like my past with him, a man I once loved and trust so innocently, could walk back in and crush me all over again. If I give him the opportunity to I know he will break me again. I cannot let him.
Tuesday: Pumpkins! One Hundred PUMPKINS cover my office. Fake pumpkins of all sizes were everywhere. I have to admit he is creative but seriously driving me nuts. I grab another box and fill it with the pumpkins and throw it in the corner. I brought some empty boxes in a couple days ago when I realized this isn’t going to stop anytime soon. I’m thinking about finding his car and dumping all of this on it. I stop throwing the pumpkins in the box long enough to read today’s note,
“Remember going to the pumpkin patch every October? Remember picking our own pumpkins to carve before we went to a haunted house? Remember getting scared and clinging to me? I do. There isn’t much about you I’ve forgotten. Please call me. Let me take you to dinner. I miss you. x G”
“Gavin, I really don’t think I want to go in there.”I look up at him pleading for him not to make me go into another haunted house. I hate haunted houses. I hate haunted trails or caves or anything with the word haunted in it. I know it is all fake. I know it’s just people dressed up trying to scare us but it works. I usually come out trembling and clinging to him but he still drags me to everyone weekend after weekend during the months of September and October. Why do I let him drag me to them?
“Relax Deni, you can hold on to me if you get scared. I’ll protect you. I always do.”There is a glint in his eye. That damn glint means nothing but trouble.
“No! I can’t they scare me too much.”I tell him as I stand straight up, narrow my eyes up at him and prop my fist to my sides. I’m trying to look intimidating but I don’t think it’s working.“I. AM. NOT. GOING!”Gavin doesn’t say a word he just steps up so we are barely inches apart. He doesn’t touch me just looks down at me with this look on his face. I hate that look. This look does things to me. It will always make me give in and he knows it.“FINE!”I drop my arms to hang at my sides and my forehead to rest on his chest. I can’t see him but I know he’s smiling ear-to-ear. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me into a hug.
I hear Jeff start laughing and give Gavin a high five.“Fuck off! I hate you two.”I growl at them as I push away from Gavin. We walk up and buy our tickets. As usual Gavin tries to pay for mine but I won’t let him. I would if I was his girlfriend but I’m not so it’s just not right. We head to the line and Gavin wraps his arms around my shoulders pulling my back to his front like he always does.
When we come out I’m plastered to Gavin’s sides with tears in my eyes. I really hate haunted houses. I’ve buried my face in his chest and he’s had to practically drag me through the damn thing.
A knock on my office door pulls me from my memory.
Wednesday morning I slowly open my door afraid of what I will find covering my office. I peak around the door, turn on the light and our old rivalry smacks me in the face. My office is filled with mini plastic footballs and cheap felt pendants. Three quarters of them represent the Bengals while only a quarter of them represent the Browns. I drop and shake my head. I slight smile crosses my lips. I’m sure Jeff helped him with this one. I can imagine the boys laughing their asses off while they fill my office with this crap. Clearly Gavin is trying to prove his team, the Bengals, are better than mine, the Browns. We used to battle all the time over whose team is better. Man, he sucks! If he’s trying to get in my good graces he should have left the Bengals crap out of my office. Nope, he did this on purpose. He’s trying to make me remember how much fun we use to have battling over football. When the Bengals and Browns met each season we’d watch it at my house. If the Browns didn’t win I’d make him leave. I wasn’t a very good loser…frankly, I’m still not. I bypassed the box this time. I pulled out the trash can and threw all the Bengals crap straight in it right where it belongs.
As usual he left another calla lily, black of course with a thin satin orange bow tied to it and an
other note:“You know you can’t resist. x G” Cocky ass!
Before leaving the office today I placed the trash can on my desk. I then left a note on my door for the janitorial service not to pick up my trash tonight. I want Gavin to walk in and see his precious team in the garbage.
Thursday morning almost two weeks since it started, I don’t know how much more of this I can take without breaking down into an emotional wreck. My emotions are all over the place. I headed to Brooklyn’s office.
“I’m going to lose my ever-loving mind if he doesn’t stop. Doesn’t he realize he’s tearing me up?”I say as I sit down in Brooklyn’s office.“He’s always on my mind now. I sit at home and think about the great times we spent together. I replay that Friday night and following Monday over and over in my mind. I dream about him. I can still hear his voice and feel his arms in my sleep.”I sigh and rest my temple against my hand and look up at her.“I’m tired. I can’t sleep. I don’t feel like eating. I don’t feel like running. I just want to lay on the couch and read, which I can’t even focus on that anymore.”
“He’s still at it, huh? What did he do today?”Brooklyn had a strange look on her face.
“He covered my office in a hundred beautiful handmade butterflies, another calla lily, a wheat bagel with cream cheese on the side, another thermos of coffee and another note saying,
“Remember the butterfly house? I do. The butterflies were beautiful but never as beautiful as you. I’m truly sorry. I miss you. I will grovel for a lifetime if you will just call me. x G”
“WOW! What’s the meaning behind the butterfly?”Brooklyn sat up in her chair leaning her elbows on her desk while slowly twisting the pen in her hands.
“Yep, wow and do you know not one of the calla lilies has begun to wilt. I think he’s replacing them every day.”I sigh feeling tears sting the backs of my eyes and the burn in my throat.“As for the butterflies I use to drag him to a local park that had a butterfly house all the time. It’s sweet what he’s trying to do but I can’t go back there. As much as I may want to I just can’t.”
Brooklyn tossed the pen on her desk before picking up her mug. She sat back in her chair with her mug of coffee in her hands.“H, do you want to go back there? Do you miss him? Do you love him? You did once.”She’s sincere no judgment in her voice.
I rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head into my hands fighting all the emotions that are threatening to explode from me. I feel so raw all the time. I hate this feeling. Running my hands through my hair,“I don’t know. Yes…no…maybe? I can’t go back there. I know it was 15 years ago in high school but he shattered my heart. I’ve not let anyone that close since. I can’t set myself up to feel that pain again. It’s gotta stop. He’s gotta stop. He’s making this hurt all over again. It’s just gotta stop.”I can no longer fight the tears slowly sliding down my face.
“I know H and I’m sorry. I promise it will get better. Listen, I hate to cut out on you but I have a meeting I have to get to. I’ll catch up with you at the lofts tonight, ok?”Brooklyn’s tone suddenly changed. She seemed bothered by something. I chalk it up to having to leave for a meeting she doesn’t really want to attend.
“Alright Brooklyn, I’ll see you tonight.”
After leaving Brooklyn’s office I headed back to mine, though, I wanted to be anywhere but there. Sometimes, I think I’m being ridiculous because he really is trying so hard but then I remember how painful it was watching his eyes, his beautiful eyes, turn black as coal and hear the words in my head he spit at me that day.
‘How the hell can you feel good about yourself when you toy with my emotions? Did you really think you could get away with it? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? You were supposed to be my best friend. How could you think of doing that to me? How can you look at yourself in the mirror when you tear others down so badly? I never want to speak to you again. You are nothing to me.’
I still don’t understand the meaning behind his words and I never will. I can’t and won’t go back there.
When I get back to my office I pull out my iPod and scroll through the different music settling on my‘old school’playlist. Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison begins to fill my ears. Sitting back in my chair, I closed my eyes and let myself drift off into memories of Gavin.
CHAPTER 7
Gavin
“Hey, Dr. Asshole!”A tall, slender, very attractive brunette yells at me as I round the corner heading to the doctor’s lounge with Jeff after we finished rounds. Everyone in the ER suddenly stops and it goes eerily quiet. I turn to look at the fire-breathing brunette. Damn she looks pissed. I mentally run through all the patients I’ve had over the last week or so. Too many to remember all of them; this ER is one of the busiest in the area. Did I take care of her or her family and now she’s here to chew me about something I did or didn’t do?
“Yeah, you, Dr. Looser, we need to talk NOW!”Man, you can see she’s getting more pissed by the second. Is she actually shaking with fury? The brunette started heading toward me like a warrior heading into battle.“What the hell do you think you’re doing to her?”Now she’s in my face almost looking, hell glaring me in the eye, her hands balled into fist on her hips. I may have four inches on her but between her height and the‘I’m-ready-to-rip-your-balls-off’ attitude she’s sporting I’m starting to feel a little uneasy.
“I’m sorry Miss, but who are we talking about?”I ask her cautiously.
“Hayden. What the hell do you think you’re doing to her? Do you get some sick thrill screwing with her head? Is your goal to shatter any pieces she’s put back together?”
By this point security has rounded the corner and is heading in our direction. I wave them off letting them know it’s ok.“Miss-“
“Professor Brooklyn Littlefield, Hayden’s best friend.”She cuts me off with a terse reply.
“Ok, Professor Littlefield, can we step in here and talk in private, please?”I say gesturing to the doctor’s lounge.
“Fine”she huffs out and throws her hands in the air as she and Jeff follow me.
Walking in and shutting the door I ask,“Now, how can I help you? Is Hayden ok?”Suddenly a knot forms in the pit of my stomach thinking something could have happen to her.
Professor Littlefield regained her original stance with her hands balled into fists on her hips and her eyes narrowed at me,“No she’s not alright. Some dill weed keeps fucking with her head and won’t leave her alone. Haven’t you caused her enough pain?”
“Ok, first, lay off the name calling. I’m not a bad guy. Second-“
“Not a bad guy? Really?”Again, she cuts me off and a murderous gleam has made its way into her eyes. She’s looking at me with complete disdain at this point.“You shattered her to pieces 15 years ago, and then showed up again claiming to miss her and start a campaign to make her talk to you. She spent the entire weekend in bed after the conference and now lays around on the couch every night since you started tormenting her with your‘I miss you. Please talk to me’ campaign. Please explain how someone as selfish as you isn’t a bad guy?”She punctuated the words‘bad guy’with two hard pokes of her index finger into the center of my chest.
Suddenly feeling quite deflated I dropped into a seat with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands I muttered,“I’m hurting her?”I can’t believe I’m hurting her that badly. I just need to see her, talk to her, make her stay with me forever. Damn, am I really that selfish I can only think about me? No, I saw the look in her eyes, the gorgeous emerald green eyes, when we laid eyes on each other for the first time in 15 years. I know her and I know there is something still there. She wouldn’t have any reaction let alone the fiery reaction she’s had to me if there wasn’t something still there.
Professor Littlefield must have seen the emotions running through me because her posture changed. She released the fists she had balled on her hips, dropped her arms to her sides and her next words soften a bit.“Then make me understand, because I can’t watc
h my once strong, self-confident, controlled best friend fall apart the way she is. You are only shattering her more with this campaign. She hardly eats or sleeps. I know she’s lost at least five pounds in the last couple of weeks. She’s rarely gone for a run when she ran daily. She simply works, which you’re even making difficult, then comes home and lays on the couch staring out the window.”
“Look Professor Littlefield-“I hesitate with confusion racing through me. I can’t lose her this time but I can’t hurt her further, either.
“Brooklyn,”she interrupts.
“Brooklyn, meet me at a nearby bar,‘On the River’, tonight. I will tell you everything then. I really do not want to hurt her but I can’t lose her. I did that once and I know how that feels. Right now I have to check on my patients. I’ll be there at 7:15 PM.”
Eyeing me skeptically she agreed and left. Jeff and I stood there for a minute in silence and then he told me to take a couple minutes, get my head straight and then come find him. He was going to start checking patients. I sat there still with my head in my hands. I’m transported back 15 years feeling lost, not knowing who or what to trust and simply out of control. I just want to throw something, anything I can get my hands on. I’ve got to get myself under control. I’ve just got to make it through the day. If I can make it through the day I can try to get Brooklyn on my side. Right now it looks like my only chance.
At 7:15 PM I arrive at‘On the River,’my home turf. It’s always better to play on your home turf. I can do this. This is going to work. Yes, I’m giving myself a pep talk. You saw Brooklyn earlier today. I’m a tough guy, a guy’s guy. I’m a doctor for fuck’s sake we are conditioned to be controlled and calm under pressure. There’s only one person that can reduce me to rubble but her best friend could and probably hasreduced the toughest guys to sniffling little momma’s boys. Betty already has my bottle of Yuengling sitting at my regular seat at the bar. Man, I love this bar. It has a comfortable relaxed feeling here. Mumford & Sons plays softly in the background. I grab my beer and say,“Thanks, Betty. I’m actually going to sit at one of the tables. I’m meeting someone here.”
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