Lilies

by Addyson Thompson

  He calls me every day asking me to dinner, drinks or to hang out and watch a movie. I find some excuse why I cannot spend time with him or flat out don’t answer the phone. Mostly, I don’t answer the phone. I have to give him credit. He hasn’t let it stop his pursuit. Gavin graciously accepted my ignoring him or lame excuses, understanding all I could grant him was talking on the phone and limited time spent together. I needed time and space to process the larger than life image I had of him, more importantly a relationship with him.

  Plus, I’m dealing with a frustrating situation at work. I have apparently pissed off a student who thinks leaving notes on my car is a good idea. I have bigger things in my life at the time to worry about other than a spoiled brat student not getting their way. One that thinks a college education is an entitlement not something to work hard toward and earn. The cowardice brat didn’t sign the notes just made stupid comments about‘it’s not fair’or‘it’s not happening again’, though, I don’t know what the‘it’ is they are referring to, nor do I care. I ignored the first couple and threw them away. Seriously, they weren’t worth my time. However, they haven’t stopped. Feeling frustrated I have to waste time dealing with this; I turned the notes over to campus police as is policy. They weren’t too concerned, nor I. Students get mad and make stupid choices that are meaningless sometimes. It will all blow over but it was just enough of a hassle to make me want to withdraw from all things that complicate my life and trying to figure out what I wanted in a relationship with Gavin is complicated enough. He is, and always has been, all consuming.

  ~~~

  “Ready to head home or you just going to sleep in your chair?”Brooklyn is standing in the door way to my office when I open my eyes. I had leaned back in my desk chair in my office and closed my eyes thinking about the parts of my life that feel completely out of control and how nice a vacation would be right now. Too bad a vacation will have to wait.

  “Yep.”I sit up, shut down my computer and gather my stuff before we walk the short distance to our loft. One of the great things about living so close to campus is being able to walk to and from work on nice days with my best friend. We manage to solve many of life’s issues on these walks. However, today’s topics aren’t that exciting.

  “So are we still running the river when we get home?”

  “Sorry H, I’m only going home long enough to eat something and grab my car. I have to be back here in two hours for a meeting. Actually, I have late meetings tonight and tomorrow night. Maybe you should invite a hot doctor to dinner.”She cajoles while wagging her eyebrows at me. I refuse to dignify that with any response other than a scowl.

  As usual, she sighs and shakes her head.“One of these days you are going to have to give in or die alone as the scary old cat lady.”

  I start to laugh and so does she. Deep down I know she’s right but I just don’t want to think about it.

  Changing the subject she asks,“How are the projects going with your honor students?”

  “Great, actually. For the next week and a half we head to six local primary schools for the students to present their projects and teach the fourth and fifth grade students about different time periods in our history. They’ve worked so hard. I’m excited to watch their reactions to the younger students. Many of them will be teaching in their own classrooms next year.”

  “That actually sounds pretty neat. Send me the schedule and I’ll have to stop by and see how it’s going. Speaking of how things are going…”She looks over at me with that damn eyebrow raised. Here we go again. Didn’t I just shut down this line of questioning 10 minutes ago? I know she wants me happy but I’m so not in the mood to discuss something I can’t figure out on my own. So I just shrug hoping she’ll take the hint.“Still avoiding his calls?”B elbows me as she asks letting me know she’s not going to let it go.

  Raising my chin, ready to defend myself, I tell her,“Yes.”In a voice with only a slight quiver, but it’s enough that Brooklyn can hear it. She says nothing more just sighs and shakes her head once again as we head up to the elevator in our building.

  ~~~

  I ran on the treadmill in my loft, not feeling like heading outside to run and risk running into Gavin. Then stood at the kitchen island eating the salad I made for dinner. I put the couple of dishes I dirtied into the dishwasher before dusting my already dust free loft with the radio still up too loud from my run. These are the mundane activities of everyday life that help keep me distracted until I see images of him; his eyes or the feel of his hands on my face fill my mind. Like a clairvoyant he must sense I’m thinking about him. I freeze for a second when my phone plays a song by Pink I assigned for only him. Normally I’d let it go to voicemail but I can’t stop myself from swiping my finger over the screen to answer. While grabbing the remote to shut off the radio, I wonder over to my glass wall with the phone to my ear.

  “Hey,”I say quietly into the phone as I stare at his balcony.

  He blows out a breath–almost a sigh of relief–before he speaks.“You answered.”

  “Yeah,”I say fighting to keep my voice neutral. My heart wants him so badly but my head can be a real bitch at times.

  There is a rustling noise before the sound of a door opening and closing. This gorgeous man steps out on his balcony in basketball shorts and a zip up hoodie with the hood covering his head, phone in one hand and a bottle of beer dangling from the other. He’s so damn good looking my mouth waters and my hands ache to touch him. I watch him sit in one of his lounge chairs. I too sit. I sit on the overstuffed ottoman I moved over to the wall of glass two days into my stalking.

  “You’ve been avoiding me.”He states factually, no anger lacing his tone.

  “Yeah,”I breathe out. Apparently I’m only capable of speaking single syllable words at the moment.

  “Why,”he questions.

  He’s sitting facing my loft. I swear it feels like he’s looking directly at me. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, rest my forehead against the glass and shrug. Shrug as if that is an appropriate answer for a question asked over the phone.

  “Baby, if you’re shrugging or shaking your head like you do when you’re avoiding answering a question, I can’t see you.”He says with amusement in his voice. Damn, this man knows me well.“I’m not there. You won’t let me.”He adds with sadness in his voice.

  “I know.”My voice is still just above a whisper. I want him but I can’t let myself have him. Confusion is the understated word of the year.

  “We can’t work on this if you won’t let me in.”Gavin sighs,“I want to see you. I miss you.”

  There is a long silence while he waits for me to reply but I don’t. I don’t know what to say. So I sit there with my forehead against the glass watching him and listening to him breathe.

  “Deni, don’t run from me. I want this and I know you do too. I saw it in your eyes two weeks ago.”

  “Yes,”another whisper. I wish I knew where my voice went. This isn’t me. I usually do not have a hard time expressing myself.

  “Then stop running from me. I don’t expect anything from you, but you. All of you.”I watch him sit forward in his chair and hang his head with his arms resting limply on his knees. My heart breaks a little more and it’s my fault. He’s right, though, I am running. I’m good at running when it gets too difficult. My mom says that’s a trait I get from my dad. Dad once told me mom’s love is the reason he stopped running and one day there would be a man strong enough to make me stop running. Could Gavin be that man?

  “That’s the problem, Gavin. I don’t know how to give you me. You consume me.”I watch as he lifts his head up looking at my loft; like he’s looking right at me.“I’m afraid of what will happen if I let you have me and you leave. I don’t think my heart can survive it.”

  “Baby, I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t have spent 10 years looking for you just to turn around and leave. You’re part of me.”His tone is so tender and sweet I want to be wrapped up in him.“I wish you’d l
et me come over.”

  “I’m trying. Just give me a little more time. Please?”

  I think I see a smirk cross his face.“Okay, but I have two conditions.”

  “Oh yeah, and what conditions?”A smirk similar to his touches my lips.

  “You start answering my calls and text and when I say enough you stop running. I’m not going to let you run forever. Deal?”

  I take a deep breath and agree.“Deal.”

  We spend the next hour talking about nothing of consequence. I eventually moved to my balcony but that was as far as I could make myself go. I do want this to work but as I told him, I just need a little time. Gavin was agreeable as ever, only reminding me that there would be a point he demanded more; no more running. I agreed because I’m not sure I would be able to talk myself out of continuing to run from what my heart really wanted.

  ~~~

  Sunday night after our first weekend together I left Brooklyn’s place on cloud nine only to crash back to earth and a very lonely loft. The loneliness was the hardest it had been since we were 17. I shut the door to an empty loft. The silence was deafening. Standing there with my back to the door I couldn’t make myself sit on the couch because that is where we had spent so much time the past two days. I drug myself to the shower and crawled into bed. My knee was still tender but my heart, my heart hurt the worst. After pulling the covers over me the tears began stinging the backs of my eyes. His scent was on my pillow. I’d spent so much time the previous weeks battling the feelings of wanting him and the questions of what could be while he pursued me, I let him consume me once he was back in my life. Now the pain of possibly losing him someday was crippling. I almost got out of bed and headed back to B’s place that night. Not wanting to feel the loneliness of him not being there. That was the moment I decided if we were going to try anything I would have to keep him at arm’s length for a while. Gavin had other ideas. His patience only held out so long.

  So after avoiding him the first two weeks then only talking on the phone the third week Gavin had enough. Late Saturday morning, a week into my version of dating he made his position on the subject very clear. I had just finished dressing after my morning run and shower when a persistent buzz…buzz…buzz came from the intercom alerting me a very impatient someone was down at the building’s entrance. It was Gavin insisting he need to speak to me. Concerned something was wrong I buzzed him in, opened my door and poured us a cup of coffee.

  Gavin burst through my door and rushed over to me. His hair was wet like he had recently showered. He was dressed in a long sleeve army green and brown Henley and distressed light blue jeans. My heart started racing thinking something was wrong, that is until he crowded me against the counter. His arms slid around me as one of his hands moved to my hair lightly tugging, forcing me to look up at him. His mouth crashed down on mine. He took what he wanted. I swear the floor fell out from under me. My heart jumped into my throat and submitted to what he wanted.

  I was lost in him.

  Lost in his kiss.

  All fears forgotten. We were breathless when he broke the kiss. Dropping his head to my forehead we stood saying nothing, just lost in the connection between us. He was the first to speak.“I want you. I want you with me. I want to feel your body next to me. I want to hang out with you in the evenings. I want to call you just to say hi because I miss you. I want to spend time with you and you be ok with it. I’ve given you space and time to get used to me being back in your life; us being together. Now, I’m telling you it’s time I get your time. No more dangling carrots in front of my face just to snatch it back when I go to reach for it.”Speechless, I gaped up at him. My brain was fuzzy but my body, well my body was more than willing to respond. Suddenly all my girly parts stood up and said I’ll give you attention as I realized my lower half was still molded to his.“We can wait on whatever you aren’t ready for, but from here on I get your time. No more avoiding me and NO. MORE. RUNNING. You’re mine.”The look in his eyes said he means business. I should feel pissed he’s pushing me but I’m not. I’m not mad even a little. I don’t know what to say. I like this side of him. So dumbly, I nod.

  “Good. Now get ready we are going to spend time together like we should have been all along.”He smacked me on the butt as he moved over to grab one of the two coffees I left sitting on the counter.”

  I don’t move. Instead I cross my arms over my chest quirking a defiant eyebrow at him,“Should I cast my eyes downward and call you sir, too”I asked unable to stop myself from goading him. The arrogant ass shrugged a shoulder,“We’ll get to that.”When I didn’t move he took a step toward me with a look on his face I couldn’t quite decipher, but sent an excited chill down my spine. Spinning, I took off to my bedroom to get my shoes, his laughter following me down the hall.‘Arrogant, pain in the ass,’I thought to myself but really wasn’t annoyed. I hope the jeans and long sleeve T-shirt I’m wearing are acceptable because I don’t have a clue where we are going.

  ~~~

  Gavin took me to walk through a local park that has a butterfly house just like the one we used to visit when we were younger. It was peaceful, sweet. As much as I hate to admit it he was right. We do need to spend time together. If he allowed me to avoid him the way I was I’d never get use to him being back in my life. As far as Gavin was concerned, we are together, period. I thought if I’d never let him in I’d never get hurt. However, that isn’t what I want. I want him. I’m still terrified I won’t be able to let him in fully but I’m going to at least try.

  We wandered around talking about nonsense enjoying the calmness of the day and our lives. He held my hand as we walked. Every so often he’d pull it to his lips and kiss it sweetly. He’s so gentle most of the time. Though I have to admit the power play he made earlier seriously turned me on. It’s hard to walk around here and force myself not to drag him into the woods that surround the park and have my way with him as the memories of earlier invaded my thoughts. Unfortunately, my heart isn’t ready for that even if my body is. So I keep my thoughts to myself and continue enjoying the time together.

  The sounds of a teenage girl’sfrustrated‘huffing’coming from the left draw our attention. Deciding to be nosy we choose the path that leads us closer to what looked like a mother, daughter and photographer. The daughter is wearing a cute sundress–she has to be cold since it is only in the lower 70’s today–and a pair of older worn out tennis shoes. She’s fussing to her mom about being forced to wear a‘dang dress.’I can’t help but chuckle. The mom fires right back about wanting just‘one nice senior pic’and‘I’ve already given in on those ratty tennis shoes so just do it without the fuss.It’s too cold out here.’ Gavin squeezed my hand a little tighter and smirked at me as we continued walking.

  The path curved around and wound through some trees beginning to bud before forking off at a quiet pond. He leads me off to the side, sits at the edge of the water and pulls me to sit in between his legs, my back to his chest. His arms wrap around my shoulders and my hands rest on his outer thighs as we sat taking in the closeness of each other. I’ve spent so much time closed off to anything that could hurt me, romantically, I’m not sure if I know how to be vulnerable to him. I want to bask in his obvious feelings for me the same way I do his touch without being so afraid he’s going to leave. For now, I sit back and relish the feel of his warmth surrounding me and steal a little of the peace he’s offering. I let my mind drift off to a place where there are no fears, regrets or awkwardness between Gavin and I, which I know fully comes from me.

  Gavin pulls me from my thoughts when he asks if that brought back memories.

  “Hmm? Does what bring back memories? Being here?”I’m confused by his question. When we arrived Gavin said he brought me here thinking it might help me feel more comfortable with us, since we used to come to a park just like this one when we were younger.

  “Well yeah, but no. I was referring to the argument between the mom and daughter and about wearing a dress with tennis shoes?�
�

  I smiled at the memory. The one and only dance we went to together, freshman Homecoming, my mom and I fought because I insisted on wearing my tennis shoes with my formal gown. I refused to wear‘devices of torture’ I believe I called them.

  “Mom, I am not wearing those devices of torture. I don’t want to even wear a stinking dress.”I’m referring to the strappy heels dangling from my mom's fingers she insists will match my dress for the dance.

  “But Hayden, you are going to the Homecoming Dance. It is a formal dance which means you wear a formal dress. You do not wear dirty, worn out tennis shoes with a formal dress. Honey, can’t you just dress girly for once?”My mom asked trying to be sweet and understanding but I think I’m pushing her to her annoyance point.

  “UHHH! Gav, tell mom you don’t give a flying flip if I wear a dress.”I looked over to my best friend–and secret crush–for some support sitting on the couch in my living room. Gavin asked if I wanted to go to the Homecoming Dance with him since we didn’t have dates. I told him sure, that sounded good. I completely played it off as if it was no big deal while doing a happy dance inside. I’ll never tell him I turned down two offers to the dance–all from a hot sophomore and junior boys–in hopes he would ask me.

  “I don’t know, Deni, you could wear a dress?”He shrugged his shoulders like it really wasn’t a big deal but there was something in his eyes I hadn’t seen before and couldn’t place. It was kind of weird and made my stomach all butterfly-y and stuff.

  My back stiffened a little.“Really?”I was seriously confused. When did Gavin–my best friend, who doesn’t even realize I’m a girl–start caring if I dressed like one?

  My mom gave Gavin and me a curious look before saying,“Ok, I have a solution. You let me help you pick out the shoes and I will buy you a new pair of tennis shoes to wear with it. This way you won’t be wearing nasty ones but you still get to be you. Does that sound like a deal?”