by Debra Kayn
Remmy put his hand on Natalie's back, and she stiffened even more. He inhaled through a tight chest, damning his life up to today. There was a world of things he could tell her to make her understand, and yet he remained silent. He guided her up the stairs regretting his decision to distance himself in an attempt to prepare her for bad news. She focused on the lack of communication instead of what was behind his attitude. She wasn't one of his brothers or one of the bitches that required nothing from him, she was a lady.
A lady who'd handed over her heart to him, put him inside her head, and done everything to please him. He repaid her by keeping the facts from her and that reality would eventually destroy everything she felt for him.
Inside the room, the yellow envelope on the bed stood out like a Yamaha at a rally. He threw the duffle bags in the corner and watched Natalie. She ignored him and walked straight to the bathroom, shutting herself inside. He moved to the bed, changed his mind, and went to the window at the opposite side of the room, far away from the envelope. He couldn't stall putting off their talk any longer.
His neck tightened and he rotated his shoulder. He had to make sure she never told a soul. If he couldn't do that, then he'd have to send her away believing her husband selfishly took his own life.
He wasn't willing to lose her, even though he had a feeling in the end, he would. With the club in chaos, Lagsturns breaking apart, and the added attention from Los Li—who always put pressure on the club during weak moments, Natalie was a loose thread.
He had a choice, and he hated each option.
Call him selfish, but he wanted Natalie. He only hoped she'd lean on him and not run away.
Natalie came out of the bathroom, glanced at him, and sat on the bed, ignoring the envelope. The slope of her shoulders, the lack of light in her eyes, and detachment pained his heart.
All day, she kept her questions to herself. That's what he'd wanted her to do, because the extra quiet during the ride gave him time to come up with a good excuse. Except, he had no excuses to give her.
"We need to talk," he said.
She moistened her lips. "Which is the opposite of what we've been doing today."
"Right." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "The club lost their deal handing over reconditioned motorcycles with Lagsturns MC and we need to find another club who wants to pick up the bike orders. That's half of our income."
"That's it?" Her gaze turned to him and jaw dropped for a second before she continued. "I'm sorry, but jobs come and go, and while it's rough and scary, there's always something else out there that you can do."
He shrugged. "It is what it is. The club will survive."
"I don't get it. All you had to do was explain that the club received bad news, but to ignore me and rush me away from Pitnam without a goodbye to your family was rude," she said. "I would've respected your need to attend meetings. I don't need a babysitter."
She was right. He'd fucked things up. She understood that part of his troubles, but she had no idea he was going to yank out the foundation of her world.
"I'm used to handling problems by myself." He moved over to her and sat beside her on the bed. "I should've talked with you."
"That's what I liked about you. Even though you're bossy and passionate, I never once thought I didn't have a voice in the matter." She slipped her fingers under his hand and squeezed. "Until today. To have you, and then not have you, it was a lonely ride. I know my feelings are deeper—"
"No. They're not deeper. Just different." He brought her hand up in his and kissed her fingers. "I put you on the back of my bike."
She leaned to the side against him. "To me, that doesn't mean shit."
"It means everything to me," he said. "It's the only way to show you I want you permanently in my life."
"Permanently?" she whispered.
"Yeah."
"You've never said that before. I thought we were going one day at a time." She inhaled deeply and exhaled on, "You never talked to me about this."
"Now you know. I know it's soon after...your husband's death, but I need you to be a part of my life," he said.
She stared down at their hands entwined together, lost in thought, and then turned toward him. "Why?"
"Because, lady." He ran his tongue over his teeth. "I do. Every day with you is better than a day without."
"Why, Remmy?" Her voice grew stronger. "I need more than you're lonely without me, because going off what everyone says about you and your relationships around here, I know for a fact you weren't ever truly alone. Th-those girls downstairs know you, probably better than I know you at this point in our relationship."
"Bull shit." Frustrated, he leaned forward, holding her hand tightly. "It's different between you and me."
"Is it?" She tilted her head to look at him. "I'm just a bitch who benefits from sleeping in your bed every—"
"Fuck," he muttered, standing and walking away from her. "You're nothing like the women I've used in the past."
"Not used." She shook her head. "You needed them. For whatever reason, you took what you needed and enjoyed them. Don't excuse your behavior or insult the other women."
He clamped his lips together. She was right.
"You and I are totally different. I've always needed someone like you, and was lonely. I was married, had a man that supported me, put me in a lifestyle that made me comfortable, and it was never enough, physically and especially emotionally." She joined him in front of the window. "You found contentment. I found loneliness."
"You were never alone," he said.
"Oh, yeah, I was." She closed her eyes, inhaled, and gazed up at him. "I was also a terrible wife, because what no one knew was that Robert suffered from a mental condition. I suspect depression and maybe bi-polar. A doctor might've diagnosed him differently, but I could never convince him to seek help. There were highs and lows, and somehow he hid the worst times from everyone else...except me. I took the brunt of his moods. He had me believing he could control himself if I stuck by him. When the anger and explosive behavior seemed too much for me to handle and he feared I'd leave, he threatened to kill himself. Numerous times. I believed him. He was good about taking me on his roller coaster rides with him. I was unable to tell his brothers, because if I did, he'd threaten to hurt himself. Do you see the pattern here?"
He clamped his teeth together. He saw more than he wanted to.
"Robert owned a successful company that would suffer if anyone knew he wasn't stable. I only bided my time and stayed married, because I knew one day, I'd come home and I'd find him dead from his own hand. Now I fall asleep every night, knowing I could've saved his brother's life if I would've told someone, anyone. He needed help, and instead I might as well have shot them both myself, because I could've stopped them—so, don't tell me you were alone. You were never alone, because you had your club, your girls, and your freedom. You had a choice because you were responsible for only yourself."
Natalie panted from confessing her sins, but her eyes remained clear. He reached out, but she stepped away. "Lady..."
"No, Remmy." She inhaled deeply. "I needed to tell you, because I've fallen in love with you. I don't need to get over the death of my husband to know how I feel about you, and I know that makes me sound like the worst person in the world...and maybe I am, because I can't seem to shrug off my part in his death, or his brother's death. That will be something I carry with me for the rest of my life. But, I swear, what I feel toward you is separate, because you are everything I've always needed. It's important for me to know I'm not one of your girls, that it's only me in your life, and I'm permanent because you're feeling something toward me. I don't understand what you're telling me."
He hooked her neck, dragging her forward, tilting her face toward his. "You're my woman, because you're in my head. You're here—he patted his chest—and I don't know if it's love, because I've never experienced anything that lasts one day to the next and keeps growing the way it does with you. I see Rain and Tori, Kur
t and Risa, and the other guys and their old ladies, and what we have together feels good, like the kind of good they have. Most of all, I want someone beside me that I know is strong enough to handle the lifestyle, to handle me. You're that woman. There's no doubt in my mind, and I've never said that to another woman."
She raked her teeth over her bottom lip. He cupped her neck and used his thumb to smooth out the firmness of her lips. "I need you in my life," he whispered.
She lowered her brows. "I like what you're saying, but I just spent a day worrying that we were over because we don't have the experience of getting through the ups and downs that will pop up between us. I have baggage, I know. I stayed silent, because I expected you to threaten me or worse, leave. That's what I bring into our relationship, and it's unfair to you, but every time I've tried to stand up for myself in the past, tried to leave, tried to help someone, I was paid back by having guilt laid on my shoulders until I stopped feeling. I can't go through that again."
"I know." He kissed her softly on the lips.
She closed her eyes and exhaled. "I'm exhausted."
"I know, but are we good?" he asked. "Just you and me. We'll work through all of this, and I can promise I'm not going to leave you."
She nodded. "Yeah."
"Good." He kissed her hard, sealing their discussion. "Unfortunately, to move forward, I need to tell you more."
"What?" She frowned.
"You need to remember what we just talked about. I'm not going anywhere, and you're here with me. You need to promise me that what you hear stays in this room. It can never be shared, and the information I have is going to kick your ass and then some, but I will help you get through it."
"You're scaring me," she whispered.
"By the time I'm finished, you'll be scared, but I'm not going anywhere." He framed her face with his hands. "If we go forward, you and me, I need to know you're with me one hundred percent. You'll be pissed off, sad, scared, and every fucking emotion in between, but you have me, lady. We'll get through this."
She planted her hands on his stomach. "I'm with you."
With her agreement, he walked over to the bed and picked up the envelope. Nothing from this point would ever be the same. If she believed in him, trusted him, he could make it better. If she didn't, it'd be hell. He didn't like the odds.
Chapter Eighteen
Remmy's fingers whitened around the knuckles as he held an envelope in front of Natalie. She sat back down on the bed, fearful of what he was going to drop on her now. She wasn't strong enough to handle anymore tonight. She was exhausted from traveling and barely holding on to her emotions.
"This was delivered by Sheriff Colby this morning. Since your lawyer didn't have your new physical address and one of the sheriff's duties is to serve civil papers, he was able to bring it to the club and call me. It's one of the reasons why we cut our trip short and rode back to Federal." He handed over the envelope.
She read the front, surprised to see her name. "What is it?"
"Open it," he said.
She slid her finger under the flap, breaking the glued edges apart. It was an official document. She scanned the contents, skipping two pages to get to the information. Each sentence numbed her, and she thought she was over feeling anything more when it came to Robert's death.
She set the papers aside and gazed up at Remmy. "Will is suing me for my half of Meghoni mine, because I won't put in a request with the FBI to open the case. He said it's rightfully his, because I let Robert's personal life insurance policy rule his death as a suicide...which he knows was not the case."
"What does the insurance company have to do with the mine?" Remmy asked.
"Absolutely nothing. I was the beneficiary on Robert's policy. Chad's insurance paid out to Will, since Chad's death was murder. I couldn't have received the money from Robert, because of the suicide clause written in the policy. I wouldn't want the money anyways, and neither does Will. This is all about clearing Robert's name and trying to get me to contact the investigators." She shrugged. "He's not going to give up, no matter how many times I tell him that Robert killed—"
"He didn't," Remmy said, staring at her intently.
Her heart raced. "What did you say?"
"This is the part that you need to hold on to me, accept the truth, and bury it inside of you." Remmy squatted in front of her. "You can't tell Will or anyone. It stays in this room."
"I don't understand," she said.
"Last summer, Los Li came to Federal in an attempt to take Bantorus MC territory." He shook his head and frowned. "Lady, the Mexican mafia uses people. They will buy, bargain, and threaten their way into having people work for them."
"I understand that part, and I can see what they've done to Risa and Taylor." She clutched at his hands. "What does that have to do with keeping it a secret?"
"Hear me out. The only way Los Li could touch Bantorus territory is to wipe us out. To do that, they'd need help. They found a sympathetic partner who also wanted the land this clubhouse sits on to help the mafia. At one time, almost a hundred years ago, the mine underneath the clubhouse was a profitable business. The land was checked for any remaining veins prior to Kurt bidding on it. There's not enough silver directly on the property worth mining. That's how Kurt bought it cheap. Nobody wants a piece of property with tailings and broken down mining buildings on it."
"Okay," she said. "So, Los Li found someone that wanted the property, but I thought you said they were after your land too. Why would Los Li partner with someone only to turn around and have to fight that person for the property afterward. That doesn't make sense."
"The person who partnered with Los Li had his own agenda on why he wanted to help Los Li secure the land, because on the other side of the Bitterroot Mountain there's enough silver to make it worth buying, but to get to that area, you'd need to come through this side...right where the clubhouse sits. Kurt, luckily, purchased the land and buildings during an open bid and beat those—Los Li's partners— who were interested in purchasing the land," he said.
She shook her head. "No. No, you're saying—"
"Let me finish." He went down on both knees. "The night Risa performed her last strip show in town and closed Silver Girls for good, we had everyone at the club in lockdown because we received word that Los Li was out to ruin us. The militia strategically set up camp on the Bitterroot Mountains to guard the land. No one was getting our club. Except, Los Li attacked from the sky by bringing a helicopter over the club. They shot out the warehouse, and because of all the ammunition, it was like the fucking Fourth of July that night."
"But the warehouse is still there," she said, her mouth dry because nothing was making sense.
"We rebuilt. The warehouse and the cabin for the Silver Girls are new." He lowered his voice. "Before the explosion, Sheriff Colby was called out on an emergency. That call came from the mine. Two men were shot in the office of Meghoni Mine."
"No, that's not true." She pulled her hands, but Remmy wasn't letting her go. "Nobody was at the mine that night. Th-they were working late...over p-paperwork."
"Los Li murdered your husband and your former brother in law," Remmy said. "Your husband did not kill himself in a murder/suicide pact."
"Then who was the person who called in the emergency and was there that night?" She jerked her hands, frustrated that she couldn't move and get up off the bed. "The investigator said they were found the next morning by a couple of the miners."
"Los Li. They called the double shooting in to get the sheriff out of downtown by reporting a false statement that Kurt was seen leaving the mining office that evening. They wanted him away from Risa. While Kurt rode back to the sheriff's office to get questioned, Los Li attacked and shot Sheriff Colby and kidnapped Risa," he said, rubbing her hands. "Lady, the truth must stay in this room. Only the officers of Bantorus MC and the sheriff know the real happenings that night. You tell anyone, and it opens a new investigation. Los Li will seek retribution, and nobody in Bant
orus MC will be safe, especially you. They'll kill you to keep their hands clean."
The story Remmy told her, with its outrageous theories and untrue facts, was ludicrous. She inhaled and caressed his set jaw, wanting to ease Remmy's guilt. "Baby, everyone in Bantorus might have their own beef with this gang, Los Li, but they did not kill Robert and Chad. I told you what Robert was like. I hate to say it, but I could see something like this happening years ago, and feared it. He'd threatened to kill himself more times than I could count, and there were times when I was afraid to go to sleep because he sat out in the living room with his pistol. I never once believed he'd kill his brother though, and I wish I would've gone against his wishes and told everyone we knew that Robert had mental problems. Maybe then, I could've changed the outcome."
Remmy grasped her wrists, squeezing. "Lady, listen to me. It was a cover-up. Bantorus MC paid Sheriff Colby to feed the Feds the story of a murder/suicide to close the investigation to keep Los Li's name out of it. The 911 tape disappeared. The sheriff getting shot was explained as a drive-by that remains unsolved. Risa's kidnapping and attack was dropped, because the police had no leads on who the unknown tourist was that hurt her. The miner who claimed to have found your husband and brother in law was a man Bantorus MC paid to accept the role in the investigation. He later left with plans to spend his money on a nice house for his family on the other side of the states. Everyone has their price, and Bantorus MC will protect their own. We will protect our women."
Her thoughts whirled. It was even worse than she believed. Robert...murdered? Chad, murdered?
All these months she'd fought the overwhelming guilt of failing Chad. She believed the worst about her husband. She'd had no doubts. She inhaled swiftly. God, what had she done?
"Lady, it's over. You can go on knowing that there was nothing you could've done. There was no stopping Los Li. Your husband bargained with the devil and paid the price with his life."