by Debra Kayn
Hope grew inside of her. If what he said were true, then Will could clear his family's name.
"Okay. Okay." She extracted her hands from his grasp, squirmed out from in front of him and stood.
She pressed her hand to her chest. Her heart raced painfully. She panted through the discomfort, but nothing helped ease the panic.
The facts Remmy filled in coincided with what the FBI agents told her the next day after the shooting. She'd questioned the time the miner found Robert. She'd even wanted to talk to the man and hear the story from his lips, but she was told the miner quit and moved on, leaving no contact number. She paced the room, needing to clear her mind to escape the madness pressing down on her. What Remmy told her was impossible.
"I hated Robert for what he did," she said.
"He didn't do it."
"If he didn't." She whirled around and looked at him. "What does that make me? I was glad to be free of the hell I lived with every single day. I saw it as freedom."
"Lady—"
"No." She held up her hands. "I get it. I really do. You're telling me he was murdered, so why aren't I feeling sad? Why aren't I screaming for justice?"
"You don't have to," he said. "Nobody knows what you went through. You said it yourself."
"He was my husband," she whispered. "It was easier to think that because I believed he'd killed his own brother and killed himself, that it was okay that I felt nothing."
"You feel, Lady." Remmy stepped toward her and stopped. "You're feeling now, and nobody has the right to tell you how to react. That's all on you. Nobody is judging you."
She shook her head. "It's wrong. I know it is. Everything is a lie."
"It's not," he said.
She crossed her arms. "I want to talk to Sheriff Colby."
Remmy shook his head. "I gave you information that can't leave this room. The sheriff has asked us for protection. As far as he knows, you don't know what I told you. His job is at risk."
"His job?" She laughed, and the sound came out harsh and maniacal. "My husband lost his life. My brother in law lost his. Tell me, which one is more important?"
"Nat..." he whispered. "I know this is hard."
"Hard?" Two steps and she stood in front of him. "Two men lost their lives. I lost everything I had."
"I know," he said, reaching for her.
She smacked his chest. "If I would've known, I could've stopped Robert from dealing with Los Li."
"Fuck, lady, there was nothing you could've done." Remmy reached for her again and she slapped his hands away. "I know—"
"You don't know shit," she screamed. "You don't fucking know what I've been through."
The bedroom door swung open and Kurt filled the frame. He looked from Remmy to Natalie. "Brother?"
She crossed her arms to keep herself from falling apart. Nothing was okay. She thought she knew Remmy. Trusted him. She had no idea why he'd want to hurt her.
"Tell her, prez." Remmy stared at Natalie. "Tell her how her husband died."
She shook her head. "Don't do this to me."
"You have to accept and move on," Remmy said. "Los Li...you have to know what they're capable of."
She flung her arms out. "I won't stay here and listen to you anymore."
Kurt stepped forward, blocking her escape. "Natalie, sit."
She shook her head. "I'm not—"
"I'll talk to her," Risa appeared behind Kurt. "She needs to know the truth."
Kurt turned to Risa. "Damn it. I told you to stay downstairs."
Risa squeezed his hand and smiled sadly. "I know you're trying to protect me, and I love you for that, but I'm the one person she'll have to listen to because she can see the truth on my face. I won't let another Bantorus woman get hurt."
Kurt stayed in the room, and Remmy continued to watch her as if he was caught between kicking someone's ass or locking her away to keep her silent. She let Risa take her to the bed and sit beside her. She even stayed quiet while Risa recreated the story Remmy had glossed over. Half way through Risa's brave story, her throat closed and her stomach rolled. When she turned away, Risa grabbed her chin and forced her to look at the scar on her face. She wanted to hide from the truth, the hurt, the betrayal. Lastly, she had to accept how wrong she'd been, and that soured her stomach.
Natalie rushed from the room into the bathroom, losing what little she had in her stomach. Pain burned her esophagus. The senseless death and torment that came from Los Li disgusted her. If she lived to be a hundred years old, she'd never, ever understand how someone can harm another person.
Territory wars, violence against women, and no respect for the human life was not her reality. She taught women to be strong, believe in themselves, and demand respect. She heard stories about ex-husbands, boyfriends, and stalkers, not gang members and the mafia. How could anyone protect themselves from ruthless killers?
She sat on the bathroom floor, staring at the tile, wondering how life got her to the point she was living with a motorcycle club and mixed up in the dirty business of Los Li, Feds, and a bought off sheriff's department.
Most of all, she wondered about her own sanity.
Moments before learning the truth, she'd confessed to loving a man who lied to her from day one. Remmy probably claimed her as his woman to keep the secret safe. She'd gone weeks telling him the personal hell she lived through, and he'd known all along the end of the story was a lie.
Nothing was okay. Everything was wrong.
Oh, God. Her chin went to her chest. She'd fought Will for months, and he'd suspected the truth. She had to tell him he was right, so that he could let go of the anger and give his brothers the respect they deserved. Her marriage to Robert was a failure, but he'd died with honor and deserved peace.
She'd been wrong. God help her, she'd been so, very wrong.
She pushed to her feet, opened the door, and walked directly to Risa. "Can you ask the Silver Girls if I can stay in their cabin?"
"You're staying here, in our room," Remmy interrupted.
Natalie ignored him. "Please, Risa."
Risa eyes saddened, and she nodded. "Grab everything you need, and I'll go have the girls make up the couch for you. Then I'll come back and walk you to the cabin."
"She's not going to the cabin," Remmy said.
Natalie ignored him and squeezed Risa's hand. "Thank you," she whispered."
Remmy growled, and a flash of movement out the corner of Natalie's eye had her ducking right before a chair smashed against the far wall. "God damnit. You're not leaving me."
The sound of his anguish broke past the brave exterior she was desperately trying to contain. Tears flowed and she picked up the unpacked bag she used on the trip.
Kurt stepped to the side, letting her pass. The tenderness in his gaze wounded her. They all knew. All this time, they pitied her and knew she'd believed a lie. She left the room without looking at Remmy, because it hurt to much.
She ignored the bellow of outrage that came from Remmy when she moved out of sight and Kurt's quiet order for Remmy to check himself.
She ignored the fresh pang of loneliness. In the morning, once she had time to herself to think about everything and try to make sense of what Remmy had told her, she'd begin to restore the life that Los Li ruined.
Chapter Nineteen
The girls, spread throughout the cabin, whispered amongst themselves as they dressed and put makeup on. Natalie sat on the corner of the leather couch, her legs curled underneath her¸ and a cold cup of coffee in her hand. She hadn't slept all night.
Sometime around midnight, she started drinking coffee, but even the added caffeine failed to straighten out her thoughts. Her biggest fear during her marriage was Robert killing himself. She couldn't pinpoint when she stopped caring if he followed through on his threats.
His almost daily intimidations and threats came and went with hardly any change in the way she went about her schedule. He was the little boy who cried wolf, and she long ago refused to live her life
in fear. He was a grown adult, and as much as she'd tried, she couldn't help him when he refused to help himself.
The early morning visit the day the police officers gave her the news that Robert had not only selfishly taken his life, but his brother's life too, came with little surprise. Instead, numbness filled her life. She ran her thumb over the rim of the mug.
That wasn't true.
She lived with the guilt that there were others hurt, and lived with the worry that she'd never truly be happy.
How could she when she believed she'd be better off alone than with Robert?
Now everything was a lie. Her emotions were misplaced, and she was afraid she wouldn't be able to summon up the right feeling. Was she supposed to be angry? Sad?
Last night without Remmy, she'd gone through hell. She wanted him, but the hurt he'd caused made her want to stay away. She'd signed into their relationship thinking it was temporary, a distraction. Instead, she'd fallen in love.
Her cell vibrated in her pocket. She shifted her position and retrieved the phone. Will.
Her former brother in law had called twice already this morning. She put her phone away. There was no easy way to admit that she was wrong about Robert's death when she was right about what Robert battled and his treatment of her. That there was a reason why she believed the police officer's story so easily.
All her talking only ruined Robert's reputation more. If she would've stayed quiet and everyone knew that he'd been murdered, his death would've been mourned. Instead, his death would be remembered with anger and confusion. She wasn't a vindictive bitch. She should've continued protecting Robert's name. It was the least she could've done, but she was finally free and nobody would understand the relief of knowing others now understood what she'd lived with for so many years.
Except, she would never wish someone dead. Instead of staying married because she believed his threats about killing himself, she should've taken the chance and left. Now she'd never know if that was possible. In the end, karma was the bitch.
"Honey," Shari sat down beside her. "Remmy phoned and said he's coming over."
"I can't see him." She let Shari take the cup out of her hand. "Not yet."
"The girls are going to give you all some privacy, but I want you to know we're here for you whenever you need us. We don't know what happened, but we stick together no matter what," Shari said.
"Call him back and tell him I changed my mind." She straightened her legs.
The tension from the long trip yesterday, the news last night, and sitting on a couch without any sleep left her achy. She rubbed the base of her neck. "I need to go to Montana."
"Honey, Remmy isn't a man you tell no to. He's not going to let you leave when it's obvious that you're upset." Shari rubbed Natalie's back. "Besides, I don't want you to leave."
There was no reason for any of the Silver Girls to reach out to her in friendship, because everything was a lie. Natalie finally looked at her. "Remmy's slept with you."
Shari recoiled, caught herself, and lowered her gaze to her lap. "He's a good guy, Nat. One of the best in the club. I know you're upset and angry, probably hurt over whatever happened, but don't try to convince yourself Remmy isn't one-hundred percent real in how he feels about you."
The lecture only made Natalie regret opening her mouth. Now, she'd insulted Shari.
The door opened. Natalie jerked her gaze to the other side of the room and collided with Remmy. Her stomach fluttered despite her need to stay away from him. She couldn't look away.
His gaze swept over her and returned to her eyes. The permanent lines around his eyes and on his forehead more pronounced than yesterday. He appeared in worse shape than she felt, and wondered if he got any rest sleeping alone.
Shari patted Natalie's leg and herded the other girls out the door. Natalie stayed where she was on the couch and hugged her middle. How could she hate that Remmy lied to her this whole time, and still worry about if he got any sleep last night?
Remmy walked into the room, stepping to the side. Sheriff Colby—or whom she suspected was the sheriff going by the uniform and the star on the left side of his chest, took off his hat, and approached her.
"Mrs. Oman. I'm Sheriff Colby" The sheriff cleared his throat. "Remmy wanted me to validate what happened the night your husband, uh, passed away."
The hair at the back of her head prickled, and she tilted her head. "Don't you mean the night he was murdered?"
Sheriff Colby nodded. "Yes, ma'am. I do."
Sometime during the night, she'd accepted the truth for how bizarre the facts were and how the cover-up story happened exactly as Remmy told her. The whole situation seemed personal as if Robert wanted the last laugh on her, and she ended up being the fool. She closed her eyes an extra beat and hardened herself. "There's nothing more you have to say."
"Club came to an agreement. We're not keeping anything from you any longer. You can ask your questions. The sheriff's protected and he understands that you had to know, because you belong to Bantorus," Remmy said.
She shook her head and remained silent.
"If it helps, Bantorus MC has only wanted to protect their own, the citizens of Federal, and do what's right for the community." Sheriff Colby fingered the rim of his hat. "I'm sorry about your husband and your brother in law, ma'am. If the sheriff's department would've known ahead of time that the Oman brothers were involved with Los Li, we might've been able to prevent...I'm sorry."
She raked her teeth over her bottom lip. If, if, if...
Sheriff Colby and Remmy shared looks, and then the sheriff walked out of the room. Remmy shut the door and remained behind. She found her balance and stood, moving to the opposite side of the room, away from Remmy. She no longer trusted herself, because despite the heartache and anger, she wanted his strong arms around her, and his lips telling her it was going to be okay. She wanted to believe those words he shared with her and understand the reasoning behind the sheriff's decision to go against the law and hide a crime.
She'd never understand. Just like no one would ever understand what she'd gone through. Sometimes, mistakes can't be erased. Sometimes the best intensions still hurt.
She rubbed her hand over her stomach, down lower to her hip where her new tattoo was a daily reminder. The dragonfly prospered, flying here and there, only hovering for a moment, before moving on, never regretting have flown.
Remmy strolled over to the table. She watched him warily. He fingered the placemat and seemed in no rush to leave or talk. The weight on her shoulders tripled. Without even trying, she'd found herself sliding into his lifestyle and welcoming everything new that came her way. The motorcycle rides, the safety, the family, the excitement. Everything made her feel alive, when she hadn't felt like she was living any kind of life in a long time.
She envied the freedom Remmy had within the club, but even he had his shackles. Her life, while far from perfect, left too many dreams unfulfilled. He'd given her hope that she could finally live the way she'd always wanted. In return, she made him happy.
"When I turned eighteen, I left home." He shrugged. "Home was a dad who fucked around on my mom, and a mom who kept wrapped up with her own problems of trying to be the center of everyone's life, which didn't include her husband and kid."
She rubbed her arm, chilled from the visual of a neglected childhood. At least loving parents that put her first before their own happiness had raised her. It was her choice to distance herself from them over the years to keep her unhappy marriage secret.
"Freedom came in the form of girls. The more, the better." He flung the placemat across the table and turned. "Some would call me a product of my parents, but I had a choice. I thought I wanted fast and free and the wild life that kept me from thinking that maybe I wasn't happy, that maybe I was searching for a life I didn't even understand. Then a few years ago, fast became slower and free wasn't all it was cracked up to be. My thoughts started taking up more of my time, and action with the girls took a backseat.
The day I met you, I was sitting in a bar having a beer, hoping club business would pick up and entertain me. I thought I missed Pitnam, my brothers, the women. What I lacked in my life, I found the day I met you," he said.
Nauseous, she swallowed. She knew of his past, and hated the thought of him with every girl at the club and those back in Pitnam. They'd had him, and she'd only had a part of him.
Remmy shoved his hands in his pockets. "Lady, I miss you. Last night, before all this bullshit started, you spilled your heart out to me and I took your gift and held on to it. I tried to distance myself from you, because I knew if I grew closer, I'd hurt you. But I did grow closer, so fucking close you're a part of me. I laid in a warm bed last night, looking for your feet, so I could warm them too. I missed the softness of you lying against me." He held up his hand, fingers sprawled. "I reached out to claim you, pull you closer, and came up empty."
"Stop," she whispered, unable to take anymore.
"Lady, all your emotions are right here in my hand, every time I touch you." He fisted his hands. "You tense, and I can feel your neck stiffen under my fingers. You get aroused, and I can feel in the palm of my hand your blood pumping through your veins. When I do something you like, you soften under my touch. I had you in my fucking hand this whole time and I lost you."
She shook her head, needing him to listen. "Being lied to upset me last night, but knowing that I wasn't worthy of the truth hurt me more."
"God damn it. Don't you see?" His brows lowered and his mouth tightened. "I had to keep the truth from you for the club. There's been enough damage to the members. I couldn't take you as my woman until I believed there was something between us. Then when I knew there was no way I'd let you walk out of my life. I protected you because I knew the truth would kill everything. If I could go back twenty four hours, I'd still never tell you the truth."
"Oh, my God," she muttered, walking to the window.
"I would keep everything from you, because I can't stand knowing I'm the one hurting you," he said.