Marital Bitch

by Jc Emery

  “Again,” I say, exasperated, “I am so very sorry for what happened.” I climb into the passenger seat. Thomas looks at me from his driver’s seat and pats my knee. I try to shrug it off and ignore the inappropriateness of his hand on my knee—his very married hand on my very married knee. Pig.

  “Colleen,” Thomas says, patting my knee. I place my hand near his so that he can’t move up my leg; which he is very likely to attempt. “I always thought you had potential as an attorney. You’re a smart girl; but I remember telling you that when you were first hired on at the firm that you were going to have to make some sacrifices.” I nod. I remember that, but have no desire to reminisce.

  “I remember telling you that my family has made it very difficult for me to pursue my career,” I say, thinking it all over. At my law school graduation, they all showed up and my dad proceeded to tell my favorite professor that he was shocked I’d gone through with it and finished. When Professor Jameson asked him why, he laughed and said that the women in our family never pursued college much less with a graduate degree and a career. Nope, not the women in our family; we’ve got birthing hips and we’re built for changing diapers and feeding hungry men. That’s all they assume we’re good for and that’s what we’re raised to believe we should be doing.

  I was so angry with him at that moment. My own father, who had supported James in everything he did, and couldn’t be happier now that he’s on the force, just tore down every single one of my accomplishments because they weren’t what he had wanted of me. Right then, Grammy walked up and told me that she’s never been more proud of me than in that moment. She is the only person who’s always been supportive of my choices.

  “Yeah, and what advice did I give you?” Thomas asks, a hint of laughter in his tone. He pulls out of the parking space and we make our way back to the office.

  “You told me to keep them at a distance if I really wanted to excel here,” I whisper. Thomas nods. When I started at the firm I was so eager to do anything I could to succeed. I wanted so bad to fit in that I could barely stomach it. But now, I haven’t had as much fun as I have since I married Brad; nor have I been so angry or annoyed. I have never felt so alive or so loved.

  Before my birthday I had lived in a mind-numbing but predictable routine. I woke up and went into the office where I studied precedents and worked on my cases without distraction. I went home every night to my quiet, peaceful condo and re-read my notes from the day and then settled in with a good vampire book.

  I scoot Thomas’s hand off my knee and he re-positions it on the gear shaft for the rest of the drive. The afternoon at the office passes quickly. I immerse myself in my cases as best I can; but my mind continues to slip back to how best to pay Brad back for the porntop prank. And Adam—that jerk is going down, too.

  “Hey,” Thomas pops his head into my office. I look up from my handwritten notes and give him a professional smile. His mood has done a complete flip since last week. I don’t really know where I stand with him except for the fact that he still wants to get into my pants. “I just wanted to let you know that regardless of what happened this morning, I know that wasn’t your fault. I know that was your idiot husband’s fault.” I sit back in my chair, stunned. Yeah, that wasn’t one of Brad’s finer moments, but did he just call him an idiot?

  “Brad isn’t an idiot, Thomas,” I say as gently as possible. “He was just fooling around. He tried to stop me from taking the laptop with me this morning.”

  “It was still rather juvenile, though, wasn’t it?” he laughs. “I mean, he’s what, thirty-five? It’s time to grow up, don’t you think?” I stand up and raise my eyebrows at him.

  “This coming from a man whose wife’s Barbie dolls take up an entire room in their house?” I quip. Yeah, unfortunately, I’ve seen Lisa Nate’s Barbie room. The walls are painted pink and the ceiling is painted with clouds to look like the sky. The damn whack job even put in green carpet. She told me it looks like grass, which she says sounded like a great idea at the time but now she’s not so sure because Barbie needs a road to drive on. And all I could think was “get me the hell out of here.”

  “That’s a priceless collection, Colleen, and you know it!” Thomas looks upset. I laugh, annoyed. So he can insult my husband but I can’t tell the truth about his wife? Oh, I don’t think so.

  “Priceless, my ass! She plays with them, Thomas! She won’t even let your kids into the room for fear that one of them will mess up her precious, insane little world!” I place my hands on my desk and lean forward. I am thoroughly pissed off. “And watch your step, Mr. Nate. You can insult my grades from law school. You can question my judgment as an attorney; but do not think that I will stand for you insulting my husband.” I straighten myself up, grab my purse and briefcase and push past him and out the door.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mr. Nate; and I highly suggest that the next time we speak we keep things on a professional level and leave our spouses out of it.” I close my speech by turning on my heel and marching out.

  IT’S AFTER DARK by the time I get to Lindsay and Adam’s apartment. Brad called to see if I’m staying out late just to make him worry. It seems that he stopped by the house just as the sun set to make sure I was home. I let him know that I was going to be with Adam and Lindsay to which he promptly said goodbye and hung up no doubt worrying over what hell I’m going to put Adam through. For now, I’m just going to let them both think that I have a plan. That always makes them paranoid.

  “Well, hello Colleen,” Lindsay says as I breeze through their front door and sit down at the table.

  “Heya guys,” I say, looking at the dinner spread set out before them: baked chicken, asparagus, and a side salad. It looks pretty good. I grab Adam’s fork from him and cut myself a piece of chicken.

  “Help yourself,” Adam says sarcastically, giving me a look. I smile and take another bite.

  “I will, thank you, computer boy,” I smile. His face blanches. He knows I know. Good. Now it’s time to make him squirm. “So, anyway,” I clear my throat, smiling. “You guys still got that Viagra, right?” Lindsay and Adam share a nervous glance. I just continue to smile at them, knowing they’ll give me what I’ve asked for.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  (Brad)

  The girl turns my brain to sludge.

  COLLEEN IS SO hot and cold all of the time that it makes my head spin. But I'm not complaining because she's been giving Mac all kinds of attention lately. I make her mad and then reap the rewards of it. It's screwed up, but it's also so typical of how we've always been. Part of it is that we don’t communicators, but I think that most of it is that she enjoys being a pain in the ass. Not that I'm an angel, but I like to think I'm the more reasonable of the two.

  That Monday, after the porntop incident as Colleen is referring to it, I was nervous as hell. I should have just told her outright what I'd had Adam do before she left the house; but she was all nice and sharing her coffee and I was naked. Plus, Mac thought she looked good in that power suit. I know it was a dumb, messed up idea. I’m an idiot. I have no defense except to say that the girl turns my brain to sludge. Horny sludge.

  I don’t even want to get started on the Vicky situation. I told her I called it off but once Colleen started acting up she didn’t care. I guess she’s being a good friend by looking out for me because she thinks Colleen is a spoiled princess because she strings me along. I’ve tried to tell her time and time again how untrue that is, but she won’t listen. She just doesn’t get us. Most people don’t.

  Now it’s Friday and I’ve spent all week with a serious case of paranoia. You know that saying “sleep with one eye open”? Yeah. I’ve mastered that shit. Every tiny movement in the bed at night and I’m on high alert. Wednesday night after I reached for my gun after Colleen got up to pee, she demanded that I put it across the room at night. Then she proceeded to tell me that if she was intent on killing me that I wouldn’t be able to get to the gun in time. Then she told me not to worry. Not
to worry? The hell? And then she tried to cuddle me. So now I don’t even have my gun to keep me safe at night.

  I know something’s coming. Colleen doesn’t know how to let anything go and this was a big thing. I haven’t slept well in days, delirium is getting to me and I swear to God that my shampoo smells funny when I use it. I took a shower last night and asked Colleen if my hair looked darker when I got out. She leaned up, kissed my cheek and told me I looked just as handsome as I ever did. So now I’m convinced there’s something in my hair. When Colleen is that kind to me, something’s very, very wrong.

  I’m in the kitchen, drinking my coffee and waiting for the devil herself to come downstairs. I check my watch. I have to leave if I want to get to work on time. I give her another minute to come downstairs and when she doesn’t I trudge upstairs to say goodbye. She may have me ready to piss myself with fear, but I still want to tell Satan’s leader goodbye before heading off to work.

  When I get upstairs she’s still sound asleep. I creep toward the bed and kiss her cheek. She jumps suddenly a huge smile on her face and shouts “good morning.” I jump backwards nearly falling on my ass. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve nearly peed myself.

  “You’re so jumpy this morning,” she smiles innocently.

  “You’re evil,” I mutter, my hand over my heart.

  “What, you don’t like surprises? I mean, it could have been worse. You could have been at work when it happened.” Her nose wrinkles at the thought. I narrow my eyes at her. She crawls across the bed and stands on her knees. Placing her hands on my chest she lets them wander south below my belt buckle. When her hand finds Mac and she starts stroking him through the fabric, I’m at a loss.

  “I have to go, pretty girl,” I hiss and let my head fall back. The last thing I want to do is leave but I really do have to show up. It doesn’t help that we haven’t had sex since Monday night. I have to sleep every night with that tight little butt pushed against Mac and pretend to be oblivious to her obvious attempts to rile me up.

  “I know, pretty boy,” she says huskily. She unzips my fly and pulls out my straining erection, circling her thumb on the moistened tip. “You’re so ready to go, baby,” she whispers. I hear the bed move and next thing I know her mouth is on Mac. She feels amazing. But then, moments later her mouth is gone. She tucks me back in and zips me back up and crawls off the bed. From the doorway she’s giggling. “I just wanted to make sure you’re hard for me all day, baby.” And she walks off. I’m going to kill her one of these days if she doesn’t kill me first.

  I use the drive to work to will away my painful erection. She felt good. So warm and wet, moving up and down… damn it. I’m not convinced that I’m going to be able to leave my truck until I see James’s wide load crawling out of his SUV. A few breaths later and I’m good to go. I’d have to punish her for that later on—sending me to the station like that.

  Medusa herself calls me around noon and lets me know that she’s bringing me lunch. She’s been on a really fierce bender this week and somehow negotiated with her boss to work from home today. I don’t even want to know what she said to get him to agree to that. Normally she says he’s a stickler about being out of the office. Frankly, I kind of want to call the guy up and demand that he demand she goes back into the office. At least when she’s there I know I’m safe. I don’t know how she’s been at work and I really don’t care. He can worry about watching his back and I’ll worry about mine.

  “Hey, Brad. Come in here, will ya?” Dan calls me into his office. I stand up from my desk and stretch. I hate filling out paperwork. If I could, I’d make some dumb rookie do it for me so his sorry ass can be stuck at his desk all day. At this point I think I’d even go for being a meter maid if I didn’t have to fill out anymore forms.

  “What’s up, Chief?” I ask as I walk into his office and plop down in one of the guest chairs.

  “Is there something going on at home?” he asks slowly. The Chief is all for talking personal stuff when it’s positive but the moment things goes south, he’s out of there. I shrug my shoulders.

  “Sure. Why?” I ask.

  “Um,” he sits in his chair and clasps his hands together. His head is down and his shoulders are shaking. “You just look a little blue, that’s all.” And he breaks out into a full-on chuckle. This joke is clearly over my head. I have no idea what’s funny about the color blue.

  “You, uh, drinkin’ at work again, Chief?” I laugh, thinking that I’m funny. He narrows his eyes at me and I sit up straighter. “Sorry,” I mutter and rub my neck. Right when Colleen and I were graduating high school, Louise got pregnant with twins but lost them pretty late in the second trimester. That was a rough time in the Frasier household. I knew it wasn’t their first miscarriage but it had hit them the hardest because she’d lost them so late.

  “It’s okay, son,” the Chief says. He looks at me seriously and sighs. “You’re a husband now. I just want to know that you’re taking care of my little girl.”

  “I’m trying but you know how she is,” I grumble.

  “That I do,” he laughs wistfully. “She seems happier with you. I haven’t seen her so lively since she went off to that damn college. She’s been all work and no play. It’s time my girl enjoyed her life.” I smile at him.

  “I want wring her stubborn neck every other minute, but she’s it for me, you know?” I say. Dan smiles at me. I gulp, a little surprised at my confession. It’s not like he didn’t know before. Like any good father, he just likes hearing it.

  “Don’t think there aren’t times that I don’t want to ship Louise off somewhere tropical.” We laugh for a moment. “So things are okay? There’s nothing fishy going on that’d make you blue?” Again with the blue!

  “No, sir,” I lean forward with a slight bit of confusion. “Do I look blue or something?” And he bursts out laughing again. I stand up, annoyed now because I have no idea why he keeps talking about the color blue. He waves me off and I walk back to my desk. Colleen is in my chair, playing with her phone.

  “You come to feed me, pretty girl?” she looks up and smiles. I give her a kiss on the forehead. She stands up and pulls me down to her, kissing me passionately. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close. As the kiss heats up I can hear cheers from all around.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” James mutters in complete shock. Colleen pulls away and kisses the side of my mouth. I look around to see that we’ve attracted quite the audience.

  “Before you eat baby, you might want to take one of these.” Colleen smirks and tosses me a prescription bottle. I look at the label. Viagra. Oh, she’s hilarious. The label is obviously homemade. My pharmacy prints my middle initial on the bottle and this label doesn’t have that. Yeah, Viagra my ass.

  “My wife is funny,” I laugh and hold the bottle up so the boys can see it. “She thinks I need Viagra.” They all start laughing. Colleen bites her lip and stomps her foot, obviously annoyed that I’m not buying it.

  “Baby,” she whines, “how do you expect us to conceive Bradley Jr. if you don’t take your little pill first? Come on, baby. Let’s have a nooner!” she says with faux enthusiasm and rubs her belly. Yeah, like this is going to embarrass me. I smile and wink at her.

  “Oh, baby, that’s not how you talk in bed.” I puff my chest out because yeah, I know I’m a stud and if she wasn’t on the pill or whatever, she would be knocked up by now.

  “My ears!” James shouts. I look at him to laugh but my dad is standing behind him and even he looks disgusted. Maybe that was too much?

  “Well,” Colleen challenges, “I’m ovulating. So go ahead, pop your little blue pill so we can get on it. Will ya?” I smirk at her and open the lid. Her eyes grow wide. I know she’s faking it. These things have to be sugar pills or something. I reach in and grab one and toss it into my mouth.

  “Bradley!” she screams. The Chief comes running out of his office to see what all the fuss is a
bout but the moment he sees that it’s just me and Colleen, he waves us off and walks back into his office. I laugh at the Chief’s dismissal. Before I know it, Colleen is pulling me off to the side, pulling me down to her height.

  “That was really Viagra, you idiot!” she seethes in my ear. I laugh and shrug her off. I’m not going to panic, not until I have a problem that won’t go away.

  “DUDE,” JAMES SAYS knocking on the bathroom door. “Are you okay?” I grunt, incapable of voicing exactly how not okay I am at this moment. It hurts. I’ve taken care of the issue twice but figured out after the second time that that wasn’t doing me any good. Orgasms are no fun when they keep coming back and won’t go away.

  “Go away!” I yell. I’m on the floor, my pants are down around my hips and my erection is literally painfully hard. Poor Mac is so sensitive that I can’t even touch him. It may not last long but the relief is unimaginable.

  “It’s been three hours!” James yells. I kick the door and wince. That action shook my torso. “You should know that Colleen just got here. She feels real bad, dude!” James will always defend his sister. I scoff.

  “Your sister is a bitch!” I shout just loud enough for only James and whatever other nosey asshole is outside to hear. All the lug nut does is laugh.

  “Porntop, dude, porntop.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I grumble. I’m never going to live that one down.

  I scramble to cover myself up when I see the lock turn and the door open quickly. Colleen sneaks in and re-locks the door behind her. I practically growl at her. I can’t decide if I want to have my way with her until she’s as uncomfortable as I am or if I want to hogtie her and leave her for dead on the Southeast Expressway.