Holding On

by Sarah Hadley Brook

  Jeff squeezed my shoulders. “Okay. Let’s go.”

  My eyes widened in surprise. “You don’t mind? We’ll be late to the party.”

  “If you feel like you need to see your mom, it’s important. The party will still be there later.”

  My heart stuttered. I didn’t even have to tell him why I needed to see her so desperately—not that I really understood it myself—but he hadn’t batted an eye. How could I not fall in love with him?

  * * * *

  We rode in his truck. I had my new car, but still needed to get it inspected and titled. I was out of sorts anyway and didn’t think I was in the right mindset to drive.

  What was wrong with me? How could I have not seen my mom today? And how could I even think about falling for anyone—let alone Jeff—when my family was torn apart? So many thoughts swirled around in my mind, and I closed my eyes in an effort to shut them out.

  I felt Jeff’s hand on my wrist. “Hey, just breathe, okay? Whatever’s going on in your head, we can fix this.”

  I chuffed out a hard breath. “Nothing can fix this,” I muttered, opening my eyes.

  He pulled up to a stop light and turned to look at me, not moving his hand. “Is this because you have to see the detective soon?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just that, when I realized I hadn’t seen Mom today…it felt wrong for me to be going to a party. Does that make sense?”

  He squeezed my wrist before pulling away his hand to drive. “It makes perfect sense. And even if it didn’t make sense to me or anyone else, it doesn’t matter. It’s about what you need.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes and I looked out the window. The sun had already set and lights burned in the houses we passed. I wondered what went on in those houses behind closed doors. How many mothers hid their bruises? How many children? I shuddered at the memory of seeing my mom being kicked as she lay bleeding and broken.

  I wiped at the tears as they spilled onto my cheeks, then took a ragged breath. It would be okay. I would see my mom tonight and talk with the detective tomorrow. Jeff and I had both been lucky enough to get several days off to take care of a few things. My manager was being incredibly generous. Even though I liked earning money, I had so much on my plate right now, I didn’t mind being off.

  We pulled into the hospital parking lot and Jeff stopped at the main door. “Do you want me to wait out here?”

  I blinked at him, surprised. It hadn’t even occurred to me he wouldn’t come up. “Come with me,” I answered. Maybe he didn’t want to? “Unless you would rather not?”

  The corner of his lips turned up. “No, I want to. Come up, I mean.”

  I grinned. “Okay. See you up there.” I got out of the cab and headed toward the double doors, but I didn’t hear the truck move. I turned around, crinkling my brow. My breath caught in my throat. Jeff stared at me, his eyes dark and his jaw tense. He looked…sexy. And a little guilty. I raised my eyebrows, but he just shook his head and drove off.

  What the fuck was that?

  I didn’t have time to figure him out, hurrying inside to see my mom instead. By the time I reached her room, I was a mess. Guilt from not seeing her, confusion over Jeff…it was all beginning to be too much. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves before I pushed open her door and entered her room.

  To my shock, she was sitting up in bed. Well, halfway, at least. The adjustable bed was elevated at the top, allowing her to lean back. Her head was turned away from the door and I wondered if she was actually awake.

  “Mom?” I whispered hesitantly.

  She turned and looked at me, a smile playing on her lips. “Aaron!” Her voice was rough, but she still sounded like herself underneath it all.

  Oh, my God, talking! I rushed to her side and froze. I wanted to hug her, but didn’t want to hurt her. She raised her arms and I leaned in carefully. When she hugged me and began stroking my hair, tears poured out of me, a flood I couldn’t stop.

  “It’s okay, Aaron. I’m right here.” Her fingers rubbed my head.

  Memories of my childhood flashed through my mind…Mom holding me after I’d lost a tooth. Mom hugging me when my best friend in second grade moved away. Mom baking cookies. I breathed her in and pulled back, aware of her delicacy.

  “I’m so glad you’re awake, Mom.”

  She chuckled a little. “I am, too.” Her smile faded as she studied me. “You look tired. Are you not sleeping?”

  “I’m okay. It’s hard to sleep in someone else’s bed,” I lied.

  She nodded. “I’m so glad you’re staying with Jeff. I want you to graduate with your friends.”

  I nodded. “Me, too.” I wiped at my eyes. “Mom, I’m so sorry…about everything. Not saving you from that monster. Not stepping in years ago. This is all my fault.”

  “Aaron Pickard! This is not your fault. It is not a child’s responsibility to rescue a parent. I’m the one that’s sorry. I should never have put you in that position.” She sighed and played with a string on the blanket covering her lap. “No child should have to see his mother being beaten. Thank you for saving me, Aaron.” Her voice cracked.

  My throat tightened and I could only nod.

  “We have a lot of healing to do, Aaron, and it will be hard. There’s a lot to take care of. You need to know, I’m divorcing your father. I never wanted my children to be without a father…”

  I took her hand. “I’m not a child, Mom. It’s going to be okay.”

  Her eyes shone as she cupped my cheek. “You’re right. You’re a man, Aaron. You have such an amazing future ahead of you.”

  A knock sounded at the door. “That’s Jeff,” I explained.

  “I’d love to see him.”

  “Come in,” I called.

  Jeff popped his head through the door and smiled when he saw my mom awake. “Hi, Mrs. Pickard!”

  “Hi,” she greeted him, sounding a little winded.

  Jeff and I dragged chairs to the side of the bed, then we all talked for a few minutes, catching her up on what else was going on in our lives.

  Soon, Mom’s still partially swollen eyes fluttered shut, and Jeff and I shared a look.

  He stood. “I’ll get the truck and meet you downstairs, Aaron. Good-night, Mrs. Pickard.”

  “Thank you for taking such good care of Aaron.”

  Jeff looked at me, making me blush. “Of course,” he said, his voice gravelly.

  After he closed the door, I grabbed my mom’s hand and kissed her cheek. Her skin felt dry. Rough. But at least she had some color back. As I started to pull away, she held tighter.

  “He’s a good man, Aaron.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Yes, he’s a great friend. He’s been very helpful with everything.” I felt a little awkward talking about him for some reason.

  “Look at me, Aaron. It’s time to be honest with yourself and with me. He’s more than a friend. I don’t want any more secrets in our lives. Be proud of who you are, and know that I’m proud of you, too.”

  My lips quivered as tears sprang to my eyes. She knew and accepted me. “I love you, Mom,” I whispered, giving her a wobbly smile.

  “I love you, too. You and Pamela are my whole reason for living.” She wiped at her own eyes. “Now,” she said brightly, “go have fun at this party.” She raised an eyebrow. “But not too much fun, okay?”

  I laughed. “Got it. See you tomorrow.” I gave her a gentle hug. When she kissed my cheek, I felt her tears on my skin. I pulled back to look at her, concerned. “I can stay longer, Mom.”

  “No, I want you to go have fun tonight. Really, Aaron. I’m tired. I need to get some sleep.”

  I finally agreed and gave her another quick hug before she smiled and waved me out the door.

  * * * *

  A few minutes later, in the truck, my body thrummed with excitement. I couldn’t believe my mom had figured things out. And she’d accepted me. There was no judgment from her. She could also see how I felt about Jeff, though, which meant I ne
eded to better hide my emotions. I bounced my leg nervously as we drove on.

  “What’s with you?” Jeff asked, breaking the silence.

  I looked at my best friend, the light from the dash illuminating his features. God, I wanted to kiss him. Tell him how I felt. But it wasn’t meant to be. He was straight. I sighed. “Um, my mom knows. About me. And she’s fine with me being gay.” The word still felt foreign on my tongue. Not that I was ashamed. Not at all. It just felt weird to be saying it out loud to others.

  “That’s great, Aaron!” Jeff flashed a grin at me.

  “I know. She didn’t say the words exactly, but she made it clear she knew and to quit hiding and be proud.” I looked out the window at the stars on the clear night. “And, um, thank you for bringing me there. I just needed…needed to see her. I can’t explain it.”

  Jeff patted my leg. “Of course. That’s what best friends are for.”

  Best friends. Not lovers. Best friends, I reminded myself. It didn’t matter that his touch caused heat to race through my body. Or that my cock swelled whenever he was near. No, we were friends. Best friends. That was it.

  He turned on the radio and we spent the rest of the ride listening to music. I was nervous about seeing Jon at the party and how the rest of my friends would react when they found out. It didn’t matter, though. Like my mom had said, it was time to stop keeping secrets.

  Chapter 5

  When we arrived at Kevin’s, it was late, and there were already several cars in the driveway with quite a few more parked on the street. We found a spot around the corner and made our way to the green, two-story house, where several teens hung out on the front porch. Loud, thumping music poured out of the open front door.

  I spied Jon in the front yard, drinking from a large plastic cup. My breath caught because he looked really hot. His short-sleeve, red shirt clung to him and the skin-tight jeans showed off every muscle. As he took a huge swig, his gaze landed on me and his eyebrows shot up.

  “Fucker,” Jeff muttered.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked as Jon made his way over to us.

  “Nothing,” Jeff spat, his eyes on Jon. “Hey, man.”

  “Hey, Joey,” Jon answered, his eyes on me the whole time. “About time you got here.” He leaned in closer. “You look amazing.”

  “The name is Jeff,” my best friend told him, his voice terse.

  “Sorry…Jeff.” Jon’s eyes still never left my face.

  My cheeks heated as I tried to ignore how Jeff tensed next to me. “Thanks,” I told Jon, glad I had taken Jeff’s advice and worn the V-neck. Jon seemed to like it.

  “Want something to drink?”

  I nodded, unsure what he was offering. I didn’t smell alcohol on Jon’s breath, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t liquor at the party. I wasn’t into getting drunk, though. “Does Kevin have any Mountain Dew?” I asked.

  Jon smiled and licked his lips. “Yeah, I’ll grab you one. Don’t go anywhere,” he said and squeezed my shoulder.

  I watched him enter the house and grinned. Jon was cute. Flirty. I liked that. I needed someone to take my mind off Jeff.

  “No, really, thanks anyway,” Jeff muttered. “I didn’t want anything.”

  I glanced at him, surprised to see his anger. “He just forgot to ask you. Don’t take it personally. Why don’t you go get something?”

  “And leave you here with him alone?” He looked at me as if I’d lost my mind.

  What the hell?

  “I’m eighteen, for fuck’s sake, Jeff. You don’t need to protect me from everyone.” I wasn’t sure what his problem was, but I was getting a little tired of it.

  His eyes widened in surprise. “What-the-fuck-ever.” He stomped toward the front door. Jon almost knocked him over as he came out of the house, holding two cans. He backed off and held up his arms.

  Jeff glared at him, then at me, before he went inside.

  “What was that all about?” Jon asked as he handed me a cold can of Mountain Dew.

  I took a swig, the cool liquid traveling down my throat. It felt good. It wasn’t really hot outside, but being nervous always made me warm. I shrugged. “Honestly? Not sure. He’s been acting a little weird lately.”

  “I think he’s jealous,” Jon whispered as he moved closer, erasing most of the space between us. “Jealous of me.”

  I felt his hot breath on my cheek. “That’s crazy!”

  “Why?”

  “It…it just is. I mean…he’s straight.”

  Jon chuckled. “A straight boy wouldn’t look at you like he does.”

  I furrowed my brows. “What are you talking about? How does he look at me?”

  Jon’s lips curved into a smile. “Like you’re his prey and he hasn’t eaten in days.”

  My mouth went dry. Surely Jon was wrong. Maybe he was imagining things. Jeff was straight. Wasn’t he? And if he wasn’t, why would he hide it from me? That made absolutely no sense. I licked my lips and tasted a hint of Mountain Dew. “You’re way off base.”

  Jon shrugged. “Whatever. I’d rather talk about you instead anyway.” He chugged the rest of this soda and set the can on the ground. He ran his fingers through my hair.

  Not gonna lie, it felt great. And my body reacted. Instantly. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a few people watching. I expected to feel panic. Fear. Something. But all I felt was relief. I was able to be myself in front of others and I didn’t have to hide anymore.

  But that didn’t mean I wanted some guy I barely knew getting handsy with me. I took a step back and pushed against Jon’s chest. His chiseled, hard-as-marble chest. I swallowed as I gazed into his dark, intense eyes. “Look, Jon, you’re nice and, well, hot, obviously, but—”

  “You think I’m hot?”

  Had he not looked in the mirror recently? “Of course, but that wasn’t my point.”

  He took a step closer as I took another step back. “What was the point?” he asked, his voice low. Gravelly.

  Fuck. What was I saying?

  “You’re cute as fuck, you know that, right?”

  “Me?” I barked a laugh. “Right.”

  He hooked his fingers in my belt loop, yanking me closer until I pressed against him. “Seriously, Aaron. I’ve been thinking about you ever since I first laid eyes on you at the pool. Can’t get you out of my head.”

  Well. This was new. My heart thumped against my rib cage and I shook my head. “See, I just came out and I’m going through a lot of things…”

  He cupped my chin, his thumb rubbing my lower lip. Pleasure zinged through me.

  “Get your fucking hands off him!” Jeff stood a foot away, both hands clenched into fists. Anger practically rolled off him in waves. His eyes huge, he looked at me. “What the fuck is going on?”

  Jon let go of me and I stepped back. “Nothing. Jon and I were just—”

  “He was all over you! Right in front of everyone!” Jeff’s cheeks burned bright red and I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him so mad.

  But now I was the one who was pissed. So what if others saw? Was he embarrassed to have a gay friend? So much for supporting me. “Fuck you! I can talk to anyone I want.”

  A small crowd had gathered around us, while more partiers filtered out of the house to see what all the fuss was about. Teens loved drama, and I was giving them the show they wanted. But I was too angry to care.

  “Are you embarrassed of me? Did you lie when you said you were fine with me being gay? That we were still friends?” My voice raised with each angry word I hurled at him. The color drained out of his face as he stood frozen to the ground.

  Jon touched my arm.

  I tore away my gaze from Jeff. “What?” I huffed at Jon.

  “I was just wondering, do you guys want to move this inside so you could talk without all the…witnesses?” he asked, nodding toward the house.

  I looked at the many faces surrounding me. No one looked pissed. Some seemed surprised, and others confused. Hell, a few even wore smil
es, because, let’s face it, what teenager doesn’t like a good fight? Fuck. This really wasn’t how I’d wanted to come out, but it was too late. “No, I don’t have anything else to say.” I glanced at Jeff, still pale. “You should have been honest with me,” I said, my voice deflating, along with the rest of me. “If you couldn’t deal with me being gay, you should have told me. I’ll talk to my grandparents tomorrow and find another place to stay.”

  Jeff shook his head.

  Tears welling up caused my vision to blur. I turned to Jon. “Can you give me a lift or have you been drinking?”

  Jon pulled his keys from his pocket. “I’ve only had soda. I’m fine to drive.”

  Numb, I followed him to a little red Spark. Cute. Small for him, though. He hit the button to unlock it and I slid into the passenger seat. Seconds later, we pulled out of the drive and I never bothered looking back.

  Jon finally broke the awkward silence a few minutes later. “Where do you want to go?”

  I shrugged. “Does it matter?”

  “Kind of.” He laughed. “I don’t have a ton of gas.”

  I blanched. I had put Jon in a difficult position. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to have to drive me or even leave the party.”

  Jon patted my thigh. I jerked away and he yanked back his hand. “You have it pretty bad.”

  “Have what?” I scrunched up my face as I tried to figure out what he was talking about.

  Jon sighed. “Seriously? I need to spell this out?”

  I shrugged again. I didn’t have it in me to figure it out. My heart was broken. Shattered. Losing my best friend was ripping me to shreds. I had nothing in me at the moment.

  “You’re in love with Jeff.”

  I turned to look out the window, his words tumbling around in my head. “You’re wrong.”

  “Tell me that to my face.”

  Stubbornly, I refused to look his way, choosing instead to stare at the passing houses. Neat little rows of ranch homes with tidy yards and mid-size cars in the driveways. Most had lights on. I wondered if the people living in those neat homes were happy. Were they in love? Did they feel safe? I was so tired of feeling off-kilter. Scared all the time.

  Now, the one person I had always believed in and trusted had betrayed me. He didn’t accept me. Not if I embarrassed him in public by flirting with another boy. I felt sick as tendrils of anxiety curled through me.