Holding On

by Sarah Hadley Brook

  Finally. This is what I needed.

  “What do you mean, ‘things are different’?” he whispered.

  “Why were you sitting up? Couldn’t you sleep either?” I asked, evading his question.

  He stayed silent.

  “Fine. We’ve never lied to each other, right?”

  “Right,” he whispered.

  Panic welled up in my chest, but I ignored it. “I couldn’t sleep because I missed you.”

  His body begin to tremble, and I turned to face him. His wet lashes took me aback.

  “What’s wrong, Jeff? If you don’t want me to sleep here, I can leave. I didn’t mean to upset you.” I closed my eyes, fighting against the notion that he thought me pathetic. “I’ll go.”

  He only tightened his grip. “Stay.”

  I sighed. I couldn’t figure him out, but I did want to be in his arms. I settled into my usual position and he pulled me closer, resting his head on top of mine.

  I closed my eyes, listening to Jeff’s breathing, as sleep finally came for me.

  * * * *

  Even in my sleep, I knew I was dreaming. This couldn’t be reality. A shimmery glow covered the room as Jeff kissed me.

  “Baby,” he whispered over and over, enveloping me in his strong arms. His lips found mine again and I moaned at the electric heat that jolted through me.

  “Oh, Jeff,” I moaned. “Touch me,” I whimpered into his mouth. “Call me your baby again.”

  “Baby,” he murmured.

  God, everything felt so perfect. Intense.

  His hands went everywhere. Touching. Caressing. Teasing. I moaned his name as he whispered how much he wanted me to be his. The line between reality and fantasy blurred and my shattered heart filled with love.

  “Aaron, wake up!”

  I brushed my hand at my ear, shooing away the annoying voice. I didn’t want to stop feeling Jeff’s touch.

  “Aaron!”

  Damn that voice, pulling me from my dream. I fought it with everything I had and focused on Jeff instead. “Kiss me again,” I whispered.

  His lips crushed mine, turning passionate, hungry for more and…

  “Aaron, you’ve got to wake up.”

  My eyes fluttered opened as I tried to wade through the fuzziness in my mind. Hadn’t we been kissing? Jeff leaned over me, his lips only inches from mine. “Jeff?”

  “Yeah, it’s me,” he whispered, his breath ghosting across my skin.

  My lips curved upward in a slow smile and I slid my arms around his neck. “Mmm, Jeff, call me baby again.” I loved this dream.

  His icy blue eyes flashed as he moved closer.

  I breathed in deeply and moaned. “You smell so good, Jeff,” I whispered, letting his scent envelope me. I shivered at the look in his eyes. Lust? Heat? I wasn’t sure, but brushed my lips against his. Electricity coursed through me as his mouth came down, hard and demanding.

  I moaned as his tongue entered my mouth. Our tongues slid together, and his moan rumbled through me. He placed hot, wet kisses across my cheek and down my jawline, and I arched into him, pulling him closer.

  The haze began to lift, and reality hit me. This was not a dream. This couldn’t be a dream because it was better than anything my mind had ever conjured. This was Jeff kissing me.

  He growled against my skin, then nipped my jaw and licked his way to the curve of my neck. He suckled, and I tilted my head, giving him more room. Goosebumps rose across my flesh.

  “You drive me crazy, Aaron,” he whispered.

  “I do?”

  His head landed on my chest. “Shit, Aaron, haven’t you figured it out?”

  I couldn’t even figure out what the hell was going on, let alone what he was saying. Without thinking, I ran my fingers through his hair—something I’d ached to do for so long. The silky strands slid through my hand, and he shivered.

  “I thought I was this strong guy. That I could take care of you and help you through everything, but I’m weak. I thought I could make you see…see how I felt.”

  “What are you talking about? You’re the strongest man I know. I never would have made it through this without you. You’ve been there for me every step of the way.” I couldn’t imagine why he thought I didn’t know that. Maybe I hadn’t really told him how much his support meant to me. “I’m sorry if I haven’t thanked you. Seriously, Jeff—thank you for everything. You’ve been absolutely amazing.”

  He wiped at a stray tear on his cheek. “Yeah, I did such a great job, I sent you straight into Jon’s arms,” he whispered bitterly.

  “Jon? What does he have to do with this?”

  He looked at me incredulously. “Are you serious? Fuck, Aaron. My heart is smashed into a million little pieces and you just don’t get it.” He sat up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and bracing his hands on his knees.

  “Did Jon hurt you?” Had I missed something?

  Jeff stood and twirled around to face me. “Of course he did! And I stood there and let it happen. I fucked everything up and I don’t even know where to go from here,” he exclaimed before stalking across the room.

  My heart thundered in my ears. “What did Jon do?” I jumped out of bed and crossed the room to stand in front of him. He wouldn’t look at me, so I cupped his cheeks with my trembling hands. “What did Jon do?”

  All I could hear was my heart, beating so hard it almost hurt. Would he say what I needed to hear? Was I really understanding this?

  “Look at me,” I ordered.

  He stared into my eyes, his lashes wet with fresh tears.

  I felt myself falling over the edge. He was more vulnerable than I’d ever seen him.

  “He took you from me,” Jeff whispered, his voice catching, his eyes wide with despair. “I was the one you were supposed to want. Not him. Me!”

  A heavy weight seemed to fall from my body, and I reveled in the freedom of knowing how he felt. “No he didn’t. Nobody could ever take me from you.”

  “But you said yes. You told him you’d go with him…”

  I stroked his hair. “That’s only because I’ve been fighting an internal battle, thinking I wasn’t allowed to have feelings for you. But I do have them. And they’re not going away, Jeff.”

  The corners of his mouth turned up. “You feel…the same?”

  I laughed, truly happy. “Why do you think I came in here tonight? I missed you. I missed being in your arms. Hell, I woke up kissing you!”

  He trailed his finger down my cheek and jawline, and I shivered. He stared at me with a new intensity. His eyes flashed and he lifted my chin. I held my breath as his lips met mine in a crushing kiss that swept me into a sea of emotions. Every cell in my body came alive as he darted his tongue inside my mouth, where it danced and sparred with my own. I moaned into his mouth, and he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him.

  Our chests rubbed together, creating heavenly friction. I wanted more so I stroked his back, my hands exploring the muscles as they moved and flexed. He pulled back for a moment and smiled.

  “I like this look on you,” he murmured.

  “What look?”

  “Thoroughly kissed and nearly naked.” His eyes twinkled.

  I never thought I would hear these words from Jeff. “Have I been thoroughly kissed? I think my lips may need a second opinion,” I teased.

  He chuckled and led me to the bed. “I can definitely help with that.”

  We dove under the covers, only this time, I didn’t face away. No spooning now, not with more important things to do, like kissing.

  He rolled me onto my back and pressed up against my side, half-draped on top of me. His hand roamed my chest, and I felt his hard dick against my hip, showing he shared my excitement.

  “I’m crazy about you, Aaron,” Jeff admitted, staring into my eyes. “Please don’t go out with Jon.”

  “I’ll talk to him. He already knows how I feel about you, anyway.”

  “He does?”

  “
That night at the party…when he and I left…we talked and I admitted how I felt.”

  Jeff’s hand trailed down to the waistband of my boxers. “It’s been so hard to keep my hands off you.”

  I grinned. “Really?”

  “I’ve been in hell trying to hold back from kissing you.”

  Kissing. Dreaming. Crap. “Did I kiss you while I was asleep? Is that why you woke me up?”

  He grinned. “I woke you up because you were getting really loud and I was afraid you’d wake my mom.”

  Heat spread across my face. “Loud?”

  A smile played on his lips. “You were talking in your sleep.”

  Fuck. I hadn’t done that in years—at least, not that I knew of.

  “It was sexy as hell.”

  I’m so screwed. “What did I say?”

  His eyes danced. “You were begging me to call you my baby and kiss you.”

  Begging? Shit.

  “Are you my baby?” he asked, his voice rough.

  I trembled in his arms, nodding. God, I wanted to be.

  “So I guess I’m your type, huh?”

  “Looks like I’m your type, too,” I shot back.

  He captured my lips with his, the kiss sweet and full of promise. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close. The kiss deepened and soon, our tongues slid together and our hands roamed, eager to touch and explore.

  I had never felt more alive and I reveled in the new sensation of being wanted. Sure, Jon had been attracted to me, but Jeff desired me with his whole being. Body, mind, and soul. I had no doubt, feeling the desire coming off him in waves. And I understood it because I felt the same for him. The emotions I’d kept hidden exploded through my body.

  Before I knew it, he lay on top of me, our bodies rubbing and thrusting against each other. When his cock slid against mine, I nearly blacked out from the incredible sensations vibrating through me. Nothing I’d ever felt compared to it, and yet I knew if we removed the thin cloth barriers of our boxers, the feeling would be tenfold.

  Jeff placed a trail of hot kisses down my cheek and neck. I arched my head, giving him better access, and he thrust hard against me. We started panting and I was close to losing it.

  “I…I’m going to come,” he whispered, his voice strained. “Should we…stop?”

  “Fuck no!” I whispered back. “Come for me, Jeff!”

  We began thrusting harder, our cocks throbbing against each other. My balls tightened and tingles ran down my spine. And suddenly, colors exploded behind my eyelids. “Oh, God, yes. Jeff! Jeff!”

  “Fuck, you’re so hot, Aaron. Fuck yes!” he exclaimed and joined me in ecstasy.

  As I calmed down, I felt the wet heat of his release. Something primal in me wanted to reach into his boxers and feel it, even taste it. I shuddered at the erotic notion, but I knew we wouldn’t go any further than we already had tonight. It was too soon to do everything.

  He lifted himself, bracing his hands on the bed on either side of me. His eyes twinkled, and I couldn’t help but smile. “Feel good?”

  “Better than good. Incredible.”

  “Me, too.”

  He rolled over, grabbed a bunch of Kleenex from his nightstand, and handed me some. While we cleaned ourselves and tossed the tissues into the trash can, I began to worry.

  “Do you think your mom heard us?”

  He shook his head. “We’ve been noisier than that when we snuck out before.”

  True. We had pulled some crap on her before and she’d stayed soundly asleep. “Sorry if I got a little loud,” I told him, my cheeks burning.

  Jeff rolled me on top of him and licked his lips. “I like that. You being vocal is sexy.”

  Now that we’d shared an intimate experience, I felt shy. I knew he’d never been with anyone in this way, just as I hadn’t.

  “You’re suddenly quiet, Aaron. What are you feeling? Did we go too far?” he asked, his concern evident.

  “No,” I reassured him and lay my head on his chest. “It was amazing. I just can’t believe you feel the same way I do.” I propped my chin on my hand and looked into his eyes. “Do you remember the day we met?”

  “Of course.”

  “When I first saw you, I got this jolt of…attraction. I thought you were so cute, but then we became friends and those feelings sort of went away. Until recently.”

  A grin spread across his face. “Why do you think I immediately picked the desk next to yours? I found the cutest boy I’d ever seen and felt the urge to know him…you. I was still confused about my sexuality back then, but seeing you sure helped me figure things out.”

  I laughed. “Glad I could help,” I said, then glanced at his digital clock on the nightstand. “Crap, it’s already after two! Glad we don’t have to work today.”

  “Will you call Jon tomorrow—I mean today—and talk to him about the prom?”

  I waggled my eyebrows. “Why? It’s not like I have another date.”

  “The hell you don’t! You’re going with me!” He hugged me tight to his chest.

  I smiled. “Hmm, I don’t remember hearing an invitation. You just went all macho alpha male on me and demanded I go with you. I think I’ll need to think about it.”

  “Oh, my God, you’re going to make this hard on me, aren’t you?”

  Secretly, I loved when he took charge, but I didn’t want him to know that just yet. “Yes.”

  He rolled me onto my side and smiled. “Will you go to the prom with me?”

  I pretended to think about it until he growled. “Yes,” I said with a chuckle. “Sheez, so impatient.”

  “Impatient! I’ve waited for you for over a year!”

  My breath caught in my throat. “You’ve felt this way for that long?”

  “Longer, if I’m honest. I just never wanted to lose your friendship. And I didn’t know you were gay until recently, although I had a sense you were. I wanted to tell you I was gay for so long, but I never knew when it was right.”

  His words sounded familiar. “There was so much I bottled up that I wanted to share with you, Jeff. About being gay. About my family life. About why I couldn’t go to college. I hated hiding anything from you.”

  “Let’s make a promise to always tell each other what we’re feeling,” he whispered as he leaned in for a kiss.

  I met him halfway, and when our lips touched, I melted into him. I’d never known how good a simple kiss could be and I couldn’t wait to explore and share more with him. I wanted to share everything with Jeff.

  When at last we fell asleep, I lay wrapped in his arms with a smile on my lips.

  Chapter 9

  I called Jon the next day from my new room—the room I didn’t plan on sleeping in very often, if at all.

  “Hi! Nice to hear from you so soon,” Jon said.

  “Hi Jon. Um…we need to talk,” I said, not exactly sure how to go about telling him I was with Jeff now.

  “Uh-oh.” Jon sighed through the phone. “Give it to me.”

  “After you left last night, Jeff and I got to talking.”

  He blew out a breath. “He finally admitted he’s into you?”

  “Um, yeah. Basically. Yes.”

  Jon stayed silent for so long, I thought we might have been disconnected. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I know it’s what you wanted. I won’t say I’m not disappointed, but I understand. I kind of held out hope you were over him.”

  “I’m sorry, Jon.” Shit. I sucked at this. I’d never had to break a date in my life.

  “I’ll learn to love again,” he said with a chuckle.

  I laughed, too, the tension between us easing somewhat. “You asking me out sort of put him over the edge.”

  “Glad I could help with your love life,” he said with a hint of sarcasm.

  “Sorry. Again.”

  “Hey, it’s not a big deal. I’d rather know now than later.”

  “Can we still be friends?” My voice sounded odd. Strained. I hoped he couldn’t tell how uncomfor
table I felt.

  “I’d like that,” he said after a long pause. “You’re a good guy, Aaron. Make sure Jeff treats you right.”

  “He will.” I was sure of that.

  “Okay.”

  Another awkward silence followed as I paced my small room and chewed my bottom lip.

  “Well, I’ll let you go,” I finally said.

  “And listen—I’m not mad, Aaron. I’m disappointed, but I appreciate your honesty.”

  “Thanks. Have a great day.” Have a great day? I sound like an idiot.

  “You, too.”

  After we hung up, I sat on my bed and flopped back on my pillow. Jon was a nice guy and I felt like a dick. I shouldn’t have said “yes” when he’d asked.

  At the soft knock on the door, I called, “Come in.”

  Jeff walked in and leaned against my dresser. “How did it go?”

  “He was so mature, he made me feel like a little kid. He wasn’t surprised.”

  “Really?” Jeff looked skeptical.

  “Yeah.” I threw my arm over my eyes. “I’m an ass.”

  “No you’re not.”

  He made his way across the room and the bed dipped with his weight. Sighing, I looked at him and smiled. How could I not feel happy when the guy I was mad about sat so close I could smell his body wash? I leaned in closer.

  His eyebrow rose. “Are you sniffing me?”

  I blushed, but nodded. “I can’t help it.”

  “Why?” His dark gaze made my spine tingle.

  I swallowed hard and tried to look away, but he cupped my jaw and held me there. Heat spread through me like wildfire and I licked my lips. Lust coiled in my belly and I trembled. I wasn’t sure why, but the way he took control of things made my blood heat. My dick went rock-hard in seconds and I pressed my lips together as I tried to figure out how to explain it to him. “I’m not really sure why I like your smell. I’ve always liked it. It-it represents you. I want to breathe you in and let it swirl around inside me.”

  His eyes flashed while he stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Does it turn you on?”

  “Yes,” I admitted, feeling the blush spread down my neck and onto my chest. “I’ve always wanted to…”

  “Wanted to what?”

  I tried to shake my head, but he held tight. I wanted to lie, but I couldn’t. Not to Jeff. Once I said this, he’d think I was a freak. I just knew it.