by Kit Tunstall
His gaze broke from mine as he closed his eyes for a moment, a spasm of what I tentatively identified as guilt crossing his features. Whatever had happened to his sister, he clearly felt culpable. It wasn’t my place to pry for details that I could use to reassure him he’d done his best. It certainly wasn’t my place to be comforting him or sliding my hand up and down his forearm as I abruptly realized I was doing.
As though his skin had burned me, I jerked my hand away and scrubbed it down the side of my jeans. When his eyes opened, the green seemed to be a smoky color, and his desire was obvious in their depth. I feared it matched my own, and as he swayed toward me, I abruptly pushed away from him and turned my back, relieved to have the dryer buzz at that moment to alert us to the finished load.
After that, I kept the conversation strictly related to our task at hand, and I definitely didn’t touch him again. I still felt the phantom presence of his flesh against my fingers upon occasion, but I did my best to block it out. I didn’t like this bewildering connection between us, since we didn’t know each other at all, and I knew nothing about his past. He didn’t know about mine either, but he did know about my future. I was with Ben, and I intended to keep it that way.
I managed to dodge him for the rest of the week, once going so far as to turn around and walk in the opposite direction when I realized we were close to passing each other, which would necessitate sharing a greeting to be polite. I didn’t want to speak to him even that much. I wanted nothing to do with him, simply because deep inside, I wanted to do everything with him.
I wasn’t used to having these disloyal thoughts, never having expected to find two men equally attractive, though in different ways. I was already committed to Ben, though there hadn’t been any formal exchange of promises, but that felt like a necessity of the old world, not the new one. We were together, as together as two people could be, so every time I shared a glance with Joshua, or felt my heart rate ramp up from his proximity, it was like betraying Ben.
Despite my efforts to avoid him, Joshua seemed to go out of his way to find me. He didn’t get too close after the first couple of times when I turned away from him, but his gaze monitored me whenever we were in the same vicinity. He watched me with deep intensity and a touch of longing. What should have been unnerving, or possibly even creepy, instead just warmed me to have his gaze on my every action. It was as though he was desperate for a glimpse of something more than just the icy façade I projected to him. I was certain he felt the attraction too, and he was no better than me. He was worse in a way, because he knew I was with Ben, but he still persisted.
That wasn’t entirely fair though, because he hadn’t persisted, or at least he hadn’t advanced. He just maintained his air of quiet watchfulness, sprinkled with a hint of hope in his gaze. I felt like I was having a mental affair, which was ridiculous considering I barely knew Joshua, and so far, our interaction consisted mainly of longing looks and the brief touch of my hand on his arm last week.
I steeled myself to find him in the laundry room, having almost entertained the idea of asking Ben to move him to a different detail that morning as I contemplated the idea of doing laundry once again with him in close proximity. Only knowing I’d have to confess how conflicted I was had stilled the impulse. I had no intention of cheating on Ben, and I could remain strong in the face of temptation. I just had to act like an adult instead of a simpering adolescent with a crush. It was a good pep talk, and I felt calm and prepared to deal with the next few hours working alongside Joshua.
At least until he entered the laundry room, and the physical reaction overwhelmed my emotional strength in seconds. It was difficult to ignore my pounding heart, or the difficulty I suddenly had dragging in a deep breath. I tightened my fingers around the shirt I held, almost surprised I didn’t hear the rending of fabric from how tautly I pulled the material to keep myself focused and resist the temptation of moving toward Joshua.
I nodded at him as he came closer, taking up his post beside mine at the machines. Then, with deliberate intent, I turned away from him and didn’t look in his direction again for at least the next hour as we sorted laundry and started the washers. When that task was done, there was nothing to distract me or fill the time for at least forty minutes while the clothes washed.
I cursed my lack of foresight, having intended to bring along a book to entertain myself, or at least give me a good reason to avoid conversation and looking at him. I scooted up onto one of the washers and I kept my gaze focused across the room. So far, I had managed to answer the few questions he had in monosyllables, which didn’t encourage further conversation. It had also been easier because we’d been busy with our tasks, but now there was nothing to fill the moments. I really tried to pretend like he didn’t move closer, and when he whispered my name, I ignored him the first time.
“Sofia,” he said in a louder voice, and more firmly. “Look at me.”
I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t not look. It wasn’t just to be polite, or to hide the effect he had on me. I simply couldn’t resist the compulsion to turn my head to meet his gaze. I caught my breath at the confusion I saw there, along with a hint of hurt. I’d been so focused on resisting temptation that I hadn’t really spared a thought for how my behavior must seem to Joshua. It sent a pang through my chest to realize I might have hurt his feelings, but I didn’t see an alternative.
“Would you please tell me what I did to offend you or make you angry? You’ve been ignoring me all week, and it’s clear my presence irritates you. If it’s something I can fix, I will, if you’ll just tell me.”
I shook my head as anxiety willed.
“You won’t tell me?” He frowned. “That’s not really fair. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you, and you could at least tell me that much.”
I let out a small sigh as I yielded to the inevitable, knowing I was going to have to tell him the truth. Once he realized the situation, if he were a decent human being, he’d steer clear of me and make it easier for both of us to avoid temptation. “You haven’t done anything wrong, and you haven’t offended me. I’ve just been avoiding you because you’re dangerous.”
His obvious confusion deepened, and he took a step back as though he was reeling from a physical blow. “You think I’m dangerous? I wouldn’t hurt you.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know you well enough to be certain of that, but my instincts say you wouldn’t. It’s not that I’m concerned you’ll hurt me.”
He regained the step he had lost, taking another in the process that brought him far too close for comfort.
“I’m not avoiding danger, but temptation. I find you attractive, and I don’t want to.” My cheeks flushed at the bald admission, and I couldn’t catch my breath when his eyes darkened, becoming smoldering as he licked his parted lips. My tongue mimicked the motion on my own lips, and I could feel disaster encroaching as we swayed closer to each other. “I can’t do this,” I whispered as his head descended.
“Why not?” His voice was little more than a whisper, and his mouth closed the distance between us, his breath fanning across my cheek as he spoke the two syllables.
“You know why. Ben.” It was a succinct answer, but it was all I needed to say. It should have been enough to break the spell I felt like I was under as our heads continued to move closer together. Even clinging desperately to the mental image of Ben couldn’t keep my mouth from joining with his a moment later.
Heat flared along my nerve endings, and I considered it a victory that I didn’t reach out to put my hands on his shoulders. Instead, I kept my hands balled into fists at my side, reining in the urge to stroke him. The kiss was bad enough, but I couldn’t compound it by allowing things to escalate.
When his tongue brushed against my lower lip, pleading for entry, it knocked some sense into me. I gasped and reared back as I brought my hands up to push on his chest, forcing him to move away. I didn’t look at him again as I scrambled off the washer and rushed from the storage shed
. He was calling my name behind me, but I ignored it.
I ignored everything I could, including the pulsing beat of desire deep inside my core. I simply focused on finding Ben. I needed him, and I had to tell him what had happened. After he realized the situation, he wouldn’t pair me up with Joshua again, and my life would be much easier. I hoped.
Ben was in his office/tent that we shared. Fortunately, he was alone, because I wasn’t certain I would have been calm or coherent enough to request to speak with him privately without spilling everything to whomever might also be around. He looked up and smiled a greeting as I rushed around his desk, grunting quietly under the impact as I threw myself into his arms, relishing in the way they tightened around me.
I laid my head against his chest as a single tear streaked from my eye. I didn’t want to cry as I made my confession. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me. I wanted him to yell and scream at me, to verbally chastise me for being a cheating slut. It was what I deserved.
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, but it flipped forward almost immediately, since it was so short. He tried again with a slight quirk of his lips, but got the same result. “What’s wrong, Sofia? Are you hurt?”
I shook my head, though I did feel almost a physical pain deep inside at the idea of hurting him. “You shouldn’t be nice to me,” I said in a slightly wobbly voice.
He frowned at me. “What happened?”
My lips wobbled, and more tears streaked from my eyes as I looked into his trusting gaze, finding his concern heartbreaking. “I cheated on you.”
He visibly startled, but he didn’t dump me off his lap. In fact, his arms tightened slightly around me. “What happened?”
“I just kissed Joshua.” I blinked and looked away as I made the confession, still shamed by my own behavior.
“You kissed another man?”
I nodded in misery.
He laughed softly. “That’s hardly cheating.”
I turned my head to glare at him. “It feels like cheating. I don’t want to want someone else the way I want you. It isn’t right.”
His words were shocking. “It’s perfectly natural to be attracted to more than one person. Personally, I don’t think humans were meant for monogamy.”
I was somewhere between startled and angry. “What does that mean? Have you been cheating on me?”
He shook his head.
Still, I probed deeper. “If you don’t consider a kiss cheating, can you still say you haven’t cheated on me if I tell you I consider it cheating?” The question was really convoluted, and I realized that as I finished saying the words. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Have you kissed anyone else while we’ve been together?”
He shook his head. “There’s been only you since the first time I saw you.”
My irritation softened, and I realized I was in a precarious position. I was in no position to get annoyed if he had kissed someone else, though his nonchalant attitude about the whole thing was what bothered me. “I haven’t either, until Joshua. You’re special to me, Ben, and I don’t like being tempted from you.”
“My mother had two husbands,” he said.
I was a little confused by the slight change of topic. “My parents married young and stayed together, so I never had stepparents. What does that have to do with anything?”
He grinned at me. “She had two husbands at the same time, honey. They both knew about each other, and they all lived together.”
I was still uncertain what he was telling me. “Your mother was married to two men at the same time? Like the same time same time?”
He laughed again. “Exactly. She wasn’t actually legally married to either one of them, since you can’t have a marriage to more than one person, and she refused to pick which one to marry legally. I guess they had some kind of private ceremony that wasn’t officially legal, but the three of them considered it binding. Mom wore two wedding rings, and they each wore one. She took their names and hyphenated it, and they were together for almost thirty years, until they all died from the HLV virus.”
My head was pounding with confusion. “I don’t really understand what you’re telling me, or why you’re telling me this.”
He lifted a shoulder. “I’m telling you because I want you to know I understand how you can feel the attraction for two people at the same time. It doesn’t bother me, and I’m not threatened by it. As long as we’re all aware of the situation, I’m okay with it.”
I brought up a hand to rub the bridge of my nose, conscious of the ache there that was growing stronger. “Aware of what? What are you talking about?”
“Your relationship with Joshua.”
I shook my head. “I don’t have a relationship with him. I’m trying to avoid him.”
He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the tip of my nose before pulling back. “I’m telling you that you don’t have to do that. Why put yourself through the angst when I don’t care if you want to see how things could be with him too?”
Hurt shot through me, and I tried to get up. “I see. I didn’t realize you didn’t care, or that that I meant so little to you.”
He ignored my thrashing and attempts to get up, keeping his arms around me. “I care about you a lot, and I want you to be happy. I’m secure enough in our relationship to give you the opportunity to see if you can also be happy with Joshua. Don’t mistake what I’m saying. I’m not being noble and offering to step aside. I’m simply telling you I can share if that’s what you’d like.”
I was mollified, but slightly mystified by his blasé attitude. “How can you be okay with that? I wouldn’t be okay at all with it if someone in camp caught your eye, and you wanted to explore things with her too.”
He shrugged. “That’s fine. I can live with that stipulation. It’s not like I’ve had eyes for anyone but you since you came into my life.”
“You’re fine with me issuing that edict? That you can’t have another bed partner, but I can? That’s not fair.”
He shrugged again. “Maybe not, but it’s how you feel, and I want to respect that. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you either, which is why I’ve been avoiding Joshua. I really just don’t understand.”
“It’s simple enough. If you want to look at it this way, I’m giving you permission—not that you need it—to explore your attraction with Joshua too. I love you, and I’m certain you love me too, though we haven’t said anything like that yet. I’m secure enough with our relationship, and I know how much you love me, and I don’t feel threatened by the idea of bringing in a third person.”
I frowned, still trying to clarify the details. “What do you mean, ‘bring in?’” I tipped my head slightly. “Would you be involved with him too?”
He shook his head. “I’m sure we’d bond over several things, including a mutual desire to make you happy and protect you, but I have no interest in other men. I just want to focus on you. It doesn’t have to be a permanent arrangement though. We might find we’re not compatible with him for a long-term basis. It could be as simple as him joining us once or twice. It might even be just you and him, if that’s what you prefer.”
“But—”
He put his finger to my lips. “I trust you and our bond enough to know your feelings for me won’t change even if you develop feelings for Joshua too. A person can love more than one at a time and still love each person wholeheartedly and with deep devotion. I saw my mom and dads make it work, and I envied how close they all were. If we had that, I’d be fine with it. If Joshua’s the missing part for you, it’s fine with me. He seems like a good guy, and I think it’s worth both of us getting to know him better if that’s what you want.”
I pulled away and slipped off his lap, rubbing my eyes. “I’m not sure how I feel about this.”
He nodded. “It’s definitely a different mindset, Sofia. Take some time and process it all before you rush to make a decision. There’s no reason to hurry, and I’ll still be
here for you regardless of what you decide. Even if you decided you can’t handle a relationship with both of us, and you just want Joshua, I’ll still ensure your safety and look out for you.”
Even in my confusion, I was able to reach out and brush my finger down his face, my knuckle tracing the contour of his cheek. “That would never happen.” I spoke with complete and utter conviction. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Joshua, or what I wanted to do about it, but even if I decided to move forward with this crazy idea, I was certain it wouldn’t make me love Ben any less.
I just didn’t know what to do. It was such a strange idea, to have a relationship with two men at the same time, and for everyone to be okay with it. It wouldn’t be cheating, especially if Ben was there, and he’d already sanctioned the relationship if I decided to pursue it.
A dart of apprehension curbed with excitement shot through me as I briefly entertained a mental fantasy of having both of them in my bed. It was easy enough to imagine what we would do, but the hard part was the emotional situation. Could Ben really be as carefree about the whole thing as he seemed? Would I be able to love two people simultaneously and not have a preference for one over the other? Would Joshua even be interested in such an experiment, or would he require full monogamy and commitment to him if or when I made such a suggestion?
I had no answers, and my brain was crowded with thoughts as I parted from Ben and went into the other side of the tent, sitting down in the armchair as I contemplated the scenarios in my brain, trying to reach a firm decision on which action to take. Whatever I did, it could either lead to a shattered heart or a deeply fulfilling relationship unlike anything I’d ever imagined. I just didn’t know which steps would take me where, and which would lead to a landmine that would explode in my face. Trying to decide between the two of them was impossible, but it seemed almost equally impossible to embrace the idea of having both of them.