Deviant

by Natasha Knight

  I felt her eyes on me as I pulled into the circular drive of the hotel’s front entrance and parked the car. Only once I pulled the keys out of the ignition did I stop to look at her and saw the questions in her eyes.

  “You can go anywhere, Mia. Start fresh. Be anything, do anything.”

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?” I chuckled but my chest tightened at her words, at the way she said them, like that lost little girl again. “I’m no good. A mercenary, Mia. A hitman. It’s what I’ve been doing for a very long time. People like me don’t get second chances.”

  “No, you are good, Julien. You helped me when you didn’t have to. When you could have gained more if you hadn’t.”

  I smiled at her sweetness, her innocence. “You have a chance to start again. Seems silly if you don’t take it after all that’s happened.”

  “I promised your grandmother I’d be back.”

  I rubbed my hand along the back of my neck. “She’ll understand.” Mia was stalling and I wasn’t sure I wanted her to say what she was afraid to say.

  “What about what you said last night?”

  But there it was. I took a deep breath, then another. The valet chose that moment to open my door and we both looked up at him.

  “Let’s go in, Mia.”

  She studied me for a moment before nodding and climbing out of the car. She stood patiently by as I handed in the key for the rental car and we rode the elevator up in silence, even though the air around us was so thick you could slice it with a knife.

  “Julien?” she said, taking hold of my hand once the elevator doors opened and I climbed out. “You said some things last night and I want to know if they were true — or if you were just saying whatever you thought you needed to say to make me stay.”

  A hotel room door opened and a couple walked out into the hallway, mid-argument from the sound of it. They were so involved in themselves that they barely noticed us.

  “Let’s go, Mia.”

  We went to our room where she sat on the edge of the bed. “Did you lie? Make that stuff up so you could keep control of me?”

  I shook my head. “No, I meant everything I said. Besides, I didn’t exactly keep control of you, did I?”

  “Why do I get the feeling I will never see you again once we leave this hotel?”

  “Because you won’t.”

  Mia slumped back as if I’d struck her, and the look of betrayal on her face wounded me. I sat down next to her. “Mia,” I took her face in my hands and forced her to look at me. Her eyes were wide and red with unspent tears she tried desperately to keep from falling. “The fact that I care about you is enough of a reason for us not to be together. There are people who will always be looking for me. It’s a part of the business I’m in. On my own, I’m less vulnerable. And just so you know, the people I’m talking about, they would hurt you if it meant they could get to me.”

  “So I’m a liability.”

  “Christ. No, you’re not a liability. I can take care of myself. I just couldn’t stand it if something happened to you, Mia. If something happened to you because of me, because of my line of work, as you once put it.”

  “You could stop. I have a million dollars, half of which rightfully is yours. We made a deal and you kept your end of the bargain. I plan to keep mine.”

  She looked so hopeful, but I could see my reflection in her eyes. My face already said what I needed to put to words. “It’s not that easy.”

  “I don’t care. I have feelings for you too, Julien. And it’s more than caring about you or having you under my skin. I think I love you. No, I know I do. And I don’t want to spend one minute away from you. I can’t.”

  Now I was the one who was shocked for the first time in my life. “You don’t mean that, Mia. This is just leftover from what we’ve been through together over the last weeks. What happened was intense, and you came to rely on me for your survival. I made it that way, made you need me. You should hate me, Mia. I would understand if you hated me.”

  “I don’t hate you. I will never hate you, and you’re wrong. Besides, if you meant what you said last night, does that mean you can feel it but I can’t?”

  “That’s not what I said.”

  “It’s exactly what you said.” She stood and paced. “I mean, it’s true, you never said the words you loved me, but I think—”

  I stood and pulled her to me. “Woman, you push all my buttons!”

  She opened her mouth to speak but I crushed mine over hers just to shut her up. “You want me?”

  “Yes!”

  “You want this?” I pushed her down onto the bed and whipped my belt off. “This is what you get with me, Mia.” Her eyes went wide as I straddled her, taking both her wrists and wrapping my belt around them before running it through the rungs of the headboard. “Remember how I said I owed you an ass whipping?”

  I wanted to scare her and from the look in her eyes, it was working. I didn’t like it, but I had to do it. This romance — it was a joke. A fucking joke. She could never have a life with me and even though I may have entertained the idea for a minute, I couldn’t do it to her. I had to get my head out of my ass and do the right thing.

  “Julien—”

  I undid her belt and yanked it out of its loops, then unbuttoned her jeans and flipped her onto her belly, tugging her pants and panties down to her knees. “This is who I am.” I stood and doubled her belt over, gripping the buckle. It was thinner than mine, but would do the job. Striking once, I watched as the thin welt formed instantly. “This is what you get with me.” I struck again, twice in quick succession. “You get your ass whipped for disobedience. Every time.” She pulled at her restraints but remained lying there, taking it, a small cry following each of the strokes as she bit down on her lip to try to remain silent. “You get to hide all your life long and we both know you’re not very good at that.”

  “I don’t care!”

  “You don’t get to have a home.” I striped her bottom as I spoke, but avoided marking her thighs.

  “I said I don’t care!”

  “You need to know what you’re asking for. See who I am, rather than who you’ve made me out to be.” I struck without speaking then, just laid stroke after stroke down on her ass. Mia lay there taking it, not fighting me, not resisting. After a few moments, she climbed up onto her knees and offered her ass to me, to the belt, and I punished her with it, knowing even though I tried to push her away, even though I knew that was the right thing to do, some part of me hoped she’d choose me anyway. Hoped she’d want me to stay.

  Because I would have her. I would change everything for her.

  “Julien.”

  I stopped when she called out my name, and when her gaze met mine, I felt the heat of tears, of everything I was trying to hold inside of me surface in my eyes. I turned away from her, stepping back from the bed. It took me a minute, but I looked at what I’d done, looked at her red, welted ass, looked at her eyes, those green depths bright, her lashes wet.

  Dropping the belt, I sat down on the bed and unbound her wrists. She rolled onto her side and sat up. She was so close, I could feel the heat from her body before she set her face against mine.

  “Julien.”

  “This is who I am, Mia.” I couldn’t look at her. “Everyone I love gets hurt eventually. Everyone. It’s never not happened.”

  She turned my face to meet her gaze, her little hands holding me so I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to look away, but I wasn’t strong enough to do it alone.

  “Do you mean that?”

  “What?”

  “You love me?”

  I stared at her, taking her hands in one of mine and pushing the hair that had stuck to her face back behind her ear. “You’re so pretty, Mia. I don’t even think you know it.” I kissed her lips softly, before moving to kiss the tip of her nose, and then her forehead. I inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of her, memorizing it.

  “I don’t even kn
ow your last name,” she said. “Your real last name.”

  “DeAngelo.”

  “Julien DeAngelo.” She nodded her head as if it all made sense now. She pulled back to look at me. “I want you exactly as you are. I don’t care what you’ve done. I don’t care about anything. I want to go back to Pitigliano with you. And I want to start fresh there. With you.”

  “With me?”

  She nodded. “Say it, Julien. Say the words.”

  I took her face in my hands, wiping away a single tear with my thumb. “I love you, Mia. I love you.”

  Epilogue One

  Mia

  The first six months were difficult. Julien disappeared twice, leaving me at the house on my own for a week at a time during each occasion. I never did find out where he went. He didn’t talk about it, and I didn’t ask.

  When Gianna saw us walk into the café hand in hand when we’d returned to Italy, I could almost physically feel her relief. She had been shocked to see us, and when she’d hugged both me and Julien, she’d spoken so fast I hadn’t understood a word she’d said, but her face had been wet with tears she’d tried hard to conceal.

  Julien had been quiet, but we were doing the right thing. He belonged here and it was time to make up for lost years. I gave Julien and his grandmother space, but I never felt left out when it was the three of us. In a way, I felt that I was a sort of safe haven for Julien. A place he could rest when memories and the thoughts of all that had been taken from him, taken from all of them, overwhelmed. In time, I hoped some of those memories would be fond remembrances rather than painful reminders, but he didn’t talk much about that part of things. I knew it was difficult for him and resigned myself to being there when he was ready — and for those times he wasn’t, I’d be there to comfort him however I could.

  Now that I had no more ties to the St. Rose family, I felt free. I forgave Tanya for what I’d thought were her sins. In a way, I’d known all along she had been doing what she thought best. I realized during the time of the cover-up that she was young and Samuel was a much older, very dominant man. He had loved her, but standing up to him was almost impossible for her. It always had been now that I thought of their relationship. It was just that most of the time, there wasn’t any need to. He’d tried to please her and make her happy, but in that instance, he’d chosen wrong. Too bad that choice had had such terrible and final consequences.

  But that was the past. I was determined to live in the present.

  “Cake is ready!” I said.

  Gianna came into the kitchen. “Oh! It’s perfect!” She swiped her thumb over the edge of the plate, pretending to clean it, but truly wanting to taste the frosting. It was Julien’s favorite cake, supposedly. Gianna had dug up the recipe and I’d baked it. A simple yellow cake with dark chocolate icing from his great-great grandmother’s days.

  “Gianna?” I gave her a chastising look, but it was funny to see this sixty-something woman stand there sucking frosting off her finger.

  “Just want to make sure it is right.” She picked up the candles I’d insisted on. It was Julien’s birthday. He was turning thirty, and we were surprising him. Neither of us were sure if he’d like the idea but we didn’t care. He needed to have some fun. We all did. Only problem was, he’d left early this morning without a word and I knew Gianna was as anxious as I to see him return. We had more than enough money to live on, he didn’t need to do any more jobs, and I wanted him to stop. Even though I’d told him I could accept him as he was, I wanted that part of his life to end.

  At half past seven that night, I left the café to get changed. We’d decorated and were expecting guests at eight. I took the longer route by the cemetery to the house, but he wasn’t there — and he wasn’t at the house either. I had a quick shower and changed, forcing myself not to worry. The last two times he’d left, he’d told me he was going. I hadn’t pushed for details. I knew when not to. I just hoped the pattern hadn’t changed to where he’d just leave without a word. Things were so uncertain with him. I wondered if they would always be.

  At eight o’clock, I made my way to the café, but I felt a little deflated. Gianna smiled at me when I arrived but she couldn’t hide her disappointment when I walked in alone. Several guests had already arrived, the old men taking their usual places while the women collected around the tables that had been pushed together to make one long one. Everyone wanted to help and people were in good spirits, eating and drinking. But all I could do was wait.

  Shortly after I arrived, Angela walked into the café. I hadn’t seen her since that day at the shop. I had purposely been avoiding her, and now I wasn’t really sure why. I trusted Julien, but for some reason, I felt protective of him when she was around, even though he didn’t pay her a moment’s attention.

  “Where is the birthday boy?” she asked, pouring herself a glass of wine.

  “Running an errand.”

  “Hmm. He’s been gone all day, hasn’t he?”

  I faced her. “Are you trying to say something, Angela?”

  She gave me an innocent look. “Me? No. Just making an observation.”

  “When do you go back to Rome?” I asked.

  Gianna joined us, her own drink in hand. “Yes, Angela, when do you leave?”

  I almost spit my drink out at the way she said it.

  “Three months,” Angela said, gloating. “I dropped my summer course so I could help my grandmother.”

  “So selfless of you,” Gianna commented.

  I checked my watch and I could see from the corner of my eye Angela open her mouth, but before she could speak, Julien entered, stopping short when he saw everyone, saw how the café had been decorated.

  “Surprise!” Gianna and I yelled, although we were probably the most surprised out of everyone there. I exhaled a long breath when he entered and though it took him a moment, he finally smiled.

  “What’s all this?”

  “Your birthday,” Gianna said, intercepting him on his way to me. “Happy birthday, Julien.” She sounded like she’d wanted to say that for years. I saw her push an envelope into his hand before she turned for the kitchen.

  Julien looked at it, then stuffed it into his pocket unopened and came to hug me. “Is this your doing?”

  “Mine and your grandmother’s. Happy birthday.”

  He kissed me, our foreheads touching as he did.

  “I don’t have anything for you—” I said.

  “I have everything I need right here,” he said, wrapping his arms around me.

  I smiled up at him, wanting to ask where he’d been but not wanting to spoil this moment, knowing I had to take him as I could get him.

  “Happy birthday, Julien,” Angela said, opening her arms to hug him. She was unbelievable.

  Julien looked at her as if seeing her there for the first time. “Oh. Thank you, Angela. Where’s your grandmother? I promised to come by and help put some shelving together for her.”

  Angela grinned and sent a sly look my way. “Well, I’m taking care of the shop for the summer and I’ll be there all day tomorrow. Why don’t you come by then?”

  He nodded, peeling her hand off his arm. “I’ll talk to Myra later.”

  The lights went out and Gianna came out of the kitchen carrying the cake, all thirty candles burning bright. Julien took my hand and held it, and I knew he felt a little uncomfortable with all the attention. He was a man used to being invisible. Everyone joined in to sing.

  “We never celebrated your birthday properly, Mia,” he whispered to me.

  “I am more than okay to forget this particular birthday.”

  He smiled but when it was time to blow out the candles, he tugged on my hand. I leaned down with him and we blew them out together. He kissed my cheek. “I have something for you.”

  “For me?”

  “Mia baked it, Julien,” Gianna interrupted, setting a huge slice onto a plate and handing it to him. “See what you think.”

  He took the fork and scooped up a
giant mouthful. His lips stretched into a grin and he nodded, shoving a second forkful in before putting the cake down. I wiped the frosting from the corner of his mouth and he smiled.

  “My favorite. And it’s just like I remember.”

  It was so strange but I felt so very proud in that moment and he must have seen it on my face, in my huge smile. Gianna served the cake out and Julien took my hand and led me into the kitchen.

  “I don’t think we should leave your party. You’re the guest of honor!”

  “Shh,” he said, looking into the café from the opening between the kitchen and the counter before pushing me to a corner where we wouldn’t be seen. There, he pressed me against the wall with his body and kissed me like a man starving. “I love how you taste, how you smell. I love everything about you, Mia.”

  He looked down at me and I smoothed my hands over his shoulders, feeling his muscles beneath the tight-fitting shirt. “I wasn’t sure if you were coming home today.”

  I said it before I could stop myself. I knew he cared about me, and I wanted to make things easy for him, but I needed him to know my fears too.

  He grew serious. “I understand. And I know it’s not been easy for you, with me I mean. I know I can be distant at times. Believe it or not, I do feel better, in a way. It’s good to be home again.”

  “I’m glad, Julien.”

  “You’ve been more than patient with me and I want you to know something. I’ll never simply leave here, leave you, without a word again. Ever.”

  I nodded, but was it enough? Would it ever be enough as long as he did what he did?

  “I had to take care of something in Cortona today,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box. “Took longer than I expected.”

  I’d always heard the saying ‘my heart skipped a beat’ but I’d never felt it until that moment.

  But his smile disappeared and his face grew serious again. “Mia, I’m done with Cash. With the past. I know that’s a reason you worried I wouldn’t come back today, but I want you to know that’s never going to happen again. I’m here to stay.” He went down on one knee then, fumbled with the box for a moment and for the first time since I’d known Julien, I saw that he was nervous. Even when men shot guns at him, I’d not seen him falter. It was strange and endearing, in a way.