Make Music With Me

by Kristine Allen

  Over the last few months, we’d recorded several covers as well as a couple of songs we’d written together. I’d already written a slew of songs about her on my own. Not that a single soul knew they were about her, and if I had my way, no one ever would.

  “I think you’re full of crap. Are you telling me you don’t have faith in your own talent and that of the guys you’re playing with? Besides, you know I’ve heard you guys play because you know I follow you guys on YouTube. You’re freaking awesome. And how will you know if John would or wouldn’t like you guys if you never come down?” Skepticism and snarky sarcasm were heavy in her voice.

  Before we were on YouTube, I’d played her a couple of recordings from my laptop during our phone calls and she’d loved them. We didn’t exactly have high tech equipment to work with on the FOB initially, but since playing her those first grainy recordings, we’d ordered better shit.

  Currently we used a laptop that ran our Cubase DAW software, an interface with multiple XLR inputs, cables, dynamic mics, and all the basics we needed to record several decent tracks to send to Logan. Maxwell, one of the team’s computer gurus, helped us with computer engineering and operated the recording equipment while we played.

  Too bad we couldn’t steal him from the Army and have him be our sound guy. That would never happen, though. He was too hardcore. The man ate, shit, and slept SF. He was one of those who wouldn’t know what to do with himself when he got too old to go on missions and his days as an operative were done. That’s if he lived that long. It was a risk we all took with what we did.

  People were actually loving what we’d put out so far and it was exciting as fuck. We were developing quite a following on YouTube. Part of me was afraid it was because we were military, but deep down I knew we were good. Really fucking good. We would send our recordings to Logan, he worked his digital magic there, added in his bass line, and then uploaded it with just a random stock photo. Once we were all there, we would be able to use actual video of the four of us playing. Logan already had places that wanted us to play there when we were all back in Seattle.

  I didn’t want to continue discussing the band and us going down to Florida anymore, so I changed the subject. “Soooo, my big brother’s bringing you up to meet the fam, huh?” I was supposed to be going back to Fort Lewis soon and Lucas had decided to visit when I got back. He’d said come hell or high water, they were going to be there.

  The thought of seeing Lucas again made my heart happy, because I did miss him and I knew he hadn’t been home to see anyone in forever. Yeah, it pissed me off that he refused to play with us as our lead guitarist, but finding Aiden during this deployment had eased some of my ire. I loved Lucas and being separated from him had really been difficult over the years.

  “Yes, I’m so excited to meet you all and see Seattle!” Warmth suffused my chest when she laughed at me, knowing exactly what I’d done in changing the subject.

  “Well, don’t forget your raincoat. I can’t lie, though. It’ll be nice to be able to go home on leave for a while after we get back. After being around all this dirt, rock, and undeveloped piles of shit, it will be nice to see the green of Seattle. I’m looking forward to seeing you both when I get back.” The words stuck in my throat and I had to clear it before I choked.

  We talked for a few short minutes before my squad leader came in. I covered the phone and listened as he told me we were rolling out in five. I hated to end the call, because I never knew if it would be the last call I made. That was life at JSOC (Joint Special Operations Center), and we all knew it.

  With regret, I went back on the line to tell her goodbye. “Hey, babe? I gotta run. Duty calls. Give my love to that grouchy-ass brother of mine and tell him to answer his damn phone next time. Hope your birthday has been good to you. Love you, sweets!” And I hung up before she could say anything about Lucas that would break my heart.

  Being friends was the closest I would ever be to her, but it fucking sucked. Grabbing my rifle and slinging it over my shoulder, I jogged out to the vehicles where my team was gathering to head out.

  Praying we made it back alive, I loaded up and within minutes we were heading out of the gates.

  “Basket Case”—Green Day

  Mid-February the next year

  My relationship with Lucas had been a whirlwind. We’d had our first date in late May and he’d proposed in January. When I accepted, a small voice at the back of my mind was screaming “No!” but he’d gone to such elaborate measures that I couldn’t refuse.

  For God sake, it must have taken him forever to set it up.

  There was a brisk breeze rolling in off the gulf as we walked hand-in-hand down the beach. We’d had an early dinner and he’d asked if I wanted to take a stroll down the beach. There was a man standing further down who waved as he saw us approaching. Lucas had given a brief salute before he grinned down at me.

  “Do you know him?” A shrug was his answer, accompanied by a mysterious tip of his lips.

  Once we reached where the man had been, I noticed the sand was smoothed flat. In seashells on the white sand was spelled out “Poppy, will you marry me?” When I saw it, my heart pounded in my chest and my hands shook.

  “I know how much you love the beach. It was only fitting that this happen here.”

  At a loss for words, I swallowed and returned my gaze to the display. There was even a sandcastle and a bottle of wine in a bucket.

  Feeling overwhelmed, my mouth went dry when he dropped to one knee. “Poppy, I know it hasn’t been long, but I’ve known you belonged in my life since the moment I saw you. Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?” Hopeful anticipation covered his face as he cradled in his palm the open black velvet box with a diamond solitaire nestled in white satin. He was the perfect guy. Other than being a neat freak, he really had no faults. At least that I’d seen. My chest fluttered when he walked in a room. There was absolutely a sexual attraction. And I knew I loved him, and he was so damn good to me. The problem was, I wasn’t sure I was ready to get married and I didn’t want to crush him.

  My hesitation had worry flashing in his eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt this amazing man. I told myself I was just being overly cautious, and knowing I should say “yes,” I did.

  I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms around him. “Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.” Compartmentalizing my doubts and shoving them into the farthest reaches of my mind, I reveled in his tight embrace.

  We’d moved in together right after that. Sometimes I felt like I was being swept away in a flood. Everyone was so happy for us. Everyone loved him and thought he was amazing. The problem was, not “everyone” was marrying him. I was.

  That compartmentalized box hadn’t stayed closed for long. Don’t get me wrong, there was no question about my love for him. I did love him, but I often felt anxious and questioned my decision to say “yes” and wondered if I was being fair to him. Especially after my phone calls with Levi. Needing someone to validate or question my sanity, I dialed my best friend since kindergarten, Trina.

  “Trina, why do I feel so nervous?” I twirled a strand of hair around my finger. “Lucas is such a great guy. He’s good to me. This should be a no-brainer, but I can’t help but feel like we’re moving too fast. Like I’m missing a key piece to the puzzle of my life.”

  “Don’t borrow trouble. Girl, I think that’s normal.”

  Normal? There was no way that it was normal to have your heart kick-start every time you heard your boyfriend’s—then fiancé’s—brother’s voice on the phone. There was no way it was normal to wonder what it would have been like if I’d met Levi first. Because I knew it was wrong, I hadn’t even told Trina about it, but it was driving me crazy.

  “I don’t know. Trina, what if I’m with the wrong—” “Brother” was on the tip of my tongue, but she interrupted me.

  “Stop. Poppy, he’s not the wrong guy. He’s everything right. He’s sweet, he’s good-looking, and he’s good to you.
What more do you want?”

  What did I want? I wanted the same leap to my pulse that I experienced whenever I got a message, email, or call from Levi.

  “Maybe you’re right. God, why am I being so unappreciative? No, I’m sure you’re right and it’s just nerves.” Guiltily, I hung my head.

  Lucas and I’d been engaged for about three weeks. It was still new. It was a big step. Trina was right, it probably was normal to feel like I was. Lucas and I hadn’t talked about a date, but I was okay with that. I was enjoying things the way they were, and a longer engagement gave us more time to get to know each other. More time for my nerves to settle. Not to mention, we both wanted to take our time so we could save up for the wedding. We didn’t want our families paying for it.

  “See? Everything will be okay. Well, I’m heading in to work, babe. You still going with Lucas tonight?”

  She was right, I’d just needed to hear it. Everything would work out.

  “Yeah, getting ready now.”

  “Cool. I’ll see you there, chica.” Before I set my phone down, I contemplated calling Linda, Lucas’s mom. Noticing the time, I knew I’d better get ready. I told myself I’d call her tomorrow.

  As if we were on the same wavelength, my phone chimed and I saw Linda was calling me. With my lips curling in happiness, I answered the call.

  Over the last several weeks, his mom and I had talked a lot over the phone and occasionally FaceTimed, planning our visit. She was funny because she would only FaceTime if she was alone. She said it made her feel weird talking to a phone like that, as if she was on some cartoon she watched as a kid called The Jetsons. Knowing people could see her expressions made her uncomfortable. She always looked somewhere else as she spoke; it was cute.

  After talking longer than I knew I should, I walked toward the closet to decide what to wear. “Hey, Linda? I’m so sorry, but Lucas will be home soon and I need to get ready so he’s not late to work.”

  “No problem, honey. Give that boy of mine a kiss. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Since she’d never had any girls, I think she was nearly as excited as I was to have me join the family. Lucas and I had our trip to Seattle all planned out. We’d be heading up there in another couple months to celebrate his birthday with his family, and I couldn’t wait to meet everyone in person. We’d spend three weeks up there instead of the two we had initially planned, thanks to John. He was amazingly generous and gave us an extra week as an engagement present.

  I’d just hung up the phone and was pulling my clothes out for the night. On my nights off, I often went with Lucas to work.

  Walking in from his afternoon gym session, Lucas grinned at me. “Wanna fool around before we have to leave?” He waggled his eyebrows, and I couldn’t help but laugh at him.

  “Maybe if you shower first. You’re a little, umm, ripe.”

  Chuckling, he rushed through a shower and back out.

  As always, he was gentle and sweet with me. Afterward, when I was heading to the bathroom to get cleaned up and change when he froze.

  “Oh shit, I didn’t use a condom. I’m so fucking sorry.” His blue eyes were riddled with concern and apology. Honestly, he looked a little green. Without concern, I walked back and stretched up to kiss him.

  “Sweetheart, it’s okay. I’m on the pill. Even if that failed, we’re getting married, you know. It wouldn’t be the first baby conceived prior to the vows. Maybe not the ideal situation, but a far cry from the end of the world.” It dawned on me we hadn’t discussed children. I’d assumed we were like-minded on the topic. This was one of the problems with how fast things had progressed in the last couple of months. Suddenly, I felt like there was so much we hadn’t discussed. Belated worry had me biting my lower lip, praying he wasn’t going to be mad.

  “I know, but we hadn’t discussed any of this. I’m sorry. Poppy, I don’t know if I really want to have children. I’ve never been able to imagine my life with them in it. I’ve always used condoms, but it just got away from me this time and I guess it slipped my mind. Before we got together I got checked, so I do know I’m clean—you don’t need to worry about that, I promise.” He kissed me softly on the lips.

  After the part where he said he didn’t want children, I kind of zoned out on the rest. I loved the idea of having children. Especially his. How could this never have come up in our conversations? He was so damn sweet, but the thought of never having babies had my eyes growing moist with unshed tears.

  “Now come on, woman”—he popped the edge of my butt—“I’m going to be late at this rate.” Blinking back my tears and shoving my worry to the side, I laughed at his antics. We both rushed to the bathroom to freshen up. When we were dressed, he leaned into me, pressing me against the wall. His hands framed my face as he kissed me. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

  Kissing him back, I smiled. That quickly, I forgot about my worries. Tucking them away with a promise to talk to him about children soon, I stepped around him and shoved my hair up in a clip. Meeting his eyes in the mirror, I couldn’t help but grin like a fool.

  “I think I’m the one who should be asking that, Lucas. I love you.” Trina was right. I was probably borrowing trouble and looking a gift horse in the mouth.

  Time was ticking and we were running late. We rushed out of the house and into his car. “Your beast is almost as sexy as mine,” I joked as we climbed in.

  “What-the-fuck-ever, my baby’s a classic. Your bumblebee could never compete. Get your sexy ass in the damn car.” With a chuckle, he leaned over the console and pressed a quick kiss to my lips.

  It was a joke between the two of us. We were forever teasing each other about whose car was sexier. His beauty was a black-on-black vintage Challenger. It really was gorgeous, but I wouldn’t ever admit it was better than my yellow Transformers Edition Camaro. Nope, never.

  We pulled out of the driveway and drove out of our neighborhood. It was just starting to get dark, and I found myself laughing as Lucas honked and I waved wildly at the waving man as we passed. I had no idea why he waved at people going by, but I knew that for some crazy reason when he was out there waving, it just made me feel like smiling.

  “Ooooh, I love this song!” Reaching over, I turned up the volume as I belted out the words to Seether’s remake of “Careless Whisper.”

  We had just pulled off the110 and were turning left. I was still singing away and Lucas was laughing his ass off at me. Thankfully the light was green, because we really were running late.

  When his phone started ringing, he handed it to me to answer as he entered the intersection. Seeing Logan’s name on the screen, I turned down the music with a smile. Just as I slid my finger across the screen to answer the call, I realized the headlights to my right were damn near blinding me.

  “Oh my God! Lucas!” I screamed before the sickening crunch and scream of steel, combined with the sounds of shattering glass, drowned out my voice. The contents of my purse went flying, miniature missiles pelting me over and over after we hit the curb and started to roll. My world seemed to explode as we flipped over and over. Slowing down, we tumbled over a fence and into a commercial lot before landing upright. As we stopped, I wacked my head on the window and darkness enveloped me.

  Blinking in confusion, I had no idea how long I’d been unconscious. My hair, clip lost somewhere in the chaos, covered my face like a curtain.

  Everything was eerily quiet. It hurt to move. It hurt to breathe.

  Slowly, I turned my head to seek out Lucas through the mess of my hair, and what I saw made me begin to hyperventilate. Choking on my hair as I gasped for air and it sucked into my mouth, I cried.

  Lucas, my handsome, smiling, loving Lucas.

  His right arm was still across my body, braced against my chest, as if he had attempted to protect me from danger. His bright blue gaze was focused on me as he struggled with words.

  “Poppy… I think this is bad, baby… fuck… I love you�
�.” Coughs separated his words and blood oozed from cuts on his face. That’s when I saw the metal fence post that had pierced the windshield. It was buried in his chest, and into the seat behind him.

  Oh God, no. No, no, no, no, no.

  “Lucas. I love you, Lucas. Hang on, baby, the ambulance will be here soon. You hear the sirens? They’re coming, baby. Just hang on. Oh my God.” The sirens ended up being the police responding to the accident, but at the time I was hoping against hope it was someone who could save him. Desperately, I sobbed for him to stay with me. My head was pounding, and I hurt everywhere. My fingers shakily shoved the hair out of my face, then fumbled to unbuckle my seat belt so I could try to help him. My right arm was numb and my fingers didn’t want to work right. When blood trickled out of his mouth, I frantically searched his face. His eyes were glazing over.

  “Remember… I love you… forever… but promise me… find love again…” was the last thing he choked out between gasping, gurgling breaths, before his gaze was blank and I knew he was gone.

  “No. Lucas! Stay with me, Lucas! Oh God, Lucas, don’t you dare leave me! Lucas! Lucas! Noooooooo!” Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating.

  Whether it was from injuries, shock, or simply hyperventilating, blackness began to consume me as I struggled to breathe.

  In both emotional and physical agony, I prayed for death because I didn’t want to process what had just happened.

  “Gone Away”—Five Finger Death Punch

  “Mac, I’m sorry I have to tell you this.” My first sergeant ran his hand through his hair as he blew out a heavy breath. The rest of my chain of command sat silently around the table of the conference area we reserved for mission briefings and debriefings.

  “Fuck, Top, just tell me. What the hell is going on that you pulled me from the mission?” Heart pounding, I waited for words I knew I didn’t want to hear. When he finally looked me in the eye, I could have sworn I saw tears in the eyes of the guy I always knew to be tough as nails.