Before I knew it, I was on the plane and we were preparing for takeoff. Once I was home, I’d be able to get my spiraling life under control. No, I wasn’t looking forward to a life that didn’t include Lucas, but I would do my best to move on. It wouldn’t do me any good to live in the past and it certainly wasn’t what he would’ve wanted for me.
I stared listlessly out the window as we rose into the air. With a heavy heart, I said goodbye to Seattle—and the brief memories of a family I’d once hoped to be part of.
As painful tears fell from my very soul, I also said goodbye to a pair of blue eyes that had been like looking into his brother’s. It seemed pretty obvious that my feelings for him were nothing more than distorted grief. A desperate attempt to feel alive and closer to Lucas.
Repeatedly, I told myself I’d substituted Levi for Lucas. I had no feelings for Levi at all. Maybe if I told myself that often enough, I might actually believe it one day.
Suddenly exhausted, I laid my head back against the seat and attempted to sleep. Though I tried to bring up memories of Lucas, my head continued to envisage someone who looked so much like him, yet was so very different. When I finally drifted off, I slept fitfully—with dreams not of Lucas, but instead filled with Levi and his lips on my skin.
“Sham Pain”—Five Finger Death Punch
When she climbed in that cab, I’d tried to stop her, without luck. As she disappeared from sight, I told myself I’d deal with Angelica and then go back to the loft to finish practice. I honestly figured she needed time to cool off. After practice, I’d clear things up with Poppy.
“What the fuck did you say to her?”
“What are you talking about? Levi, come back to my place. I’ll help get your mind off losing Lucas. You know I always make you feel good, baby.” Both of her hands skimmed up my chest.
Grasping Angelica by the wrists, I forcibly pushed her away from me. As soon as the cab drove off, Angelica had her damn hands all over me. Her touch felt nothing like Poppy’s, and I certainly felt no interest in fucking her like she was insinuating. Especially after the stunt she’d just pulled.
“Forget it, Angelica. We haven’t been together since way before I left for my deployment. Don’t act like we’ve ever had anything more between us than fucking. Hell, I knew better then, but I’d been drinking like a dumb fuck. Never again. You hear me? Never.” Turning my back on the conniving bitch, I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jeans and made my way to the loft.
Before entering the studio, I tried one more time to call Poppy. When it went to her voicemail, I knew she needed time to calm down. And I needed to get lost in the music. Once I got home we’d clear everything up and I’d make sure she knew I wasn’t letting her go. I planned to tell my parents, too. I wanted everyone to know how I felt about her.
I sure as fuck didn’t expect her to be gone when I got there.
For two weeks straight, I called her. Every single time it went to her voicemail. I even sent text messages. Nothing.
When she sent me a text message and asked me not to contact her ever again, I knew she’d been getting my calls, messages, and texts. Her message was read, loud and clear.
Was I happy about it? Fuck no. Angelica’s bitch ass had stirred up a shit storm of colossal proportions and I was paying the price.
For the next couple of weeks I was a fucking asshole to anyone who tried to talk to me or asked about what was up my ass. I cleared CIF (Central Issue Facility—run by the devil and his minions) and turned in all the gear I was responsible for returning. After the second round, that was. The assholes that worked there always found something to bitch about when a soldier tried to turn shit in. This wasn’t clean, or that was faded, it was always some nitpicky bullshit and it was the most dreaded stop on a soldier’s checklist when they were changing posts or getting out of the Army.
Once I had my DD214 in hand, I sat in my truck staring at it. It was the weirdest feeling I’d had to date. Imagine the end of an era. It was so final. For years I’d lived my life for the Army and suddenly I was simply… done.
I thought I’d be happy. This was what I’d wanted, yet my chest was hollow. The rest of my team was going about post business as usual and I no longer belonged. Sure, they’d talk to me if I called, they’d still call me and consider themselves my friends, but it would be different.
Now we were separated by camo.
Pushing down the strange sense of loss, I drove out of the front gate for the last time. The closer I got to home, the lighter the weight was on my chest. It would probably be a while before I’d completely shake it, but I told myself it would get better. Focusing on the future of the band would get me through.
The ringtone from my phone chimed through my speaker. Glancing at the display on my dash, I grinned. “What’s up, Nic?”
Dominic’s voice carried across the vehicles sound system. “Hey, fucker. You get the Double D yet?” I chuckled and shook my head at his crazy ass.
“Yeah, I sure as shit did. I’m actually only about fifteen minutes out. Want me to swing by and show it to you? I’m thinking about framing the sonofabitch.”
A low chuckle, followed by a woman’s voice in the background, filled my truck.
“Fuck yeah! Ouch! Ma, okay, okay. Damn. Ouch! I meant dang. Sorry, Ma.” A rant of Italian followed his apology to his mom. I knew that meant she was chewing his ass out. Laughing at him, I changed course to swing by his mom’s place where he was still staying. He said it was until he could afford to get a place, but I knew he was using that as an excuse to help his mom out with food and shit because she wouldn’t take his money.
“Okay, I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes. Besides, I have something I wanted to run by you. Last night I came up with some lyrics. It’s rough, but I think it’s gonna be badass.”
“Sounds good! Want me to have Aiden and Logan come over?” I could hear him shuffling stuff around and I figured he was preparing to do some serious work. I hated to disappoint him, but my time was limited.
“Nah, I can’t stay long. Mom’s making supper and Logan’s at the house. I figured we would just meet up in the morning like we planned. I just wanted to see your mom real quick and show you my papers of freedom.” Turning the corner, I entered the neighborhood I’d spent half my childhood in. Memories of the four of us riding our bikes down the hill assaulted me.
Nostalgia was a motherfucker.
“Cool. I’ll warn Ma now or she’ll try to get you to stay here for supper.” The smile was clear as day in his voice.
“See you in a few.” Ending the call, I inhaled deeply. It was good to be home.
Weird. But good.
“Riot”—Bullet For My Valentine
Late August
Both hands on the mic, I held the last note out until the feedback of the guitars diminished around us. Sweat slid down my cheek. Eyes closed in the moment, my chest heaved with each labored breath.
“Fucking A, that was sick as fuck.” Aiden was as breathless and soaked as I was. Hell, we all were. We’d been practicing for hours on the new songs we’d worked out in preparation for our upcoming gig. I hadn’t been home a week when Logan told us he had us booked downtown at Smokey Ray’s for Friday night.
“You think they’re gonna dig it? Ray said he wanted us to play mostly covers because that’s what the crowd usually wants. His place isn’t exactly known for its music connoisseurs. It fucking blows, but I keep telling myself this is temporary.” Dominic looked at me in question before he stood, shoved his sticks in his back pocket, and grabbed a water out of the cooler.
“Connoisseurs? Big words for the boy who bangs on shit with sticks.” Aiden laughed and Nic threw a bottle of water at him, hitting him in the shoulder. “Ouch! Fucker.” The grin on his face belied his words.
Logan held his hand out and Dominic tossed him one too. “Yeah, I think they’re going to go crazy. Besides, he said we could intersperse our original stuff with the covers. Goddamn, big brother, you can
put some words to paper.”
I shook my head as I swallowed the last of my now lukewarm water. “Hell, they’re just words without all of us working to put them to music. Hand me one of those too, bro.” Catching the bottle he tossed, I cracked the lid and drank the entire bottle. I’d written the lyrics we were discussing while I was still at Fort Lewis and my keyboard had already been packed up and shipped home. So I’d used my guitar to play a riff and sing the melody. Initially it was rudimentary, but it hadn’t taken long with us all to put it all together.
Even when I did have access to a piano, it took all of us to add in each instrument’s part. Our compositions were never a one-man show. Bouncing ideas off each other had resulted in the some fucking awesome shit.
“Personally, I think we make one hell of a team.” Pulling his sticks out, Dominic sat back behind his drum kit. “How about one more time through the new songs and then we call it a day?”
“Sounds good.” Aiden slipped his guitar strap back over his shoulder.
Logan just nodded. He looked like shit, and I wondered for the hundredth time how much sleep he was getting and if he was still drinking heavily. Making a mental note to talk to him after practice, I nodded. Logan and Dominic started out the first few riffs of the song, and we were consumed by the music again.
We’d intended to run through the new songs once. Since we were all perfectionists, we ended up practicing each of them until we knew them backward and forward.
I sang until my voice was on the edge of hoarse. Our shit was heavy, though, and we tended to growl a lot. Aiden and I had perfected it most, so he and I took turns during a performance. By the time the final solo notes of my keyboard rang out, we were fucking wiped. It was a good feeling though.
“Goddamn that was badass. I’m not trying to sound bigheaded but motherfucker, we sound fucking awesome.” Aiden laughed because he really was a cocky fucker. Every single one of us had a huge grin.
“It’s all because I know how to handle my wood.” Dominic grabbed a spare stick and juggled three for a few seconds before Logan grabbed one midair.
“If this is what you’re working with, you need to send them my way.” Nic lunged toward Logan. Laughing, he dodged behind Aiden.
“You little fuck, give me my damn stick.”
“Hey now. I know I’m irresistible, but hands off unless there’s a happy ending involved.” Aiden was stuck in the middle of Logan and Dominic as Logan played keep-away with the stick.
Without missing a beat, Nic spouted, “As soon as I get my hand wrapped around my wood that Logan is so obsessed with, I’ll use it on you.”
“Oh fuck. That’s too much.” Logan tossed the stick up; Dominic caught it and winked at Aiden. Laughing, Logan closed his case lid and snapped it.
“Jesus, what the hell have I gotten myself into with y’all?” Shaking his head, Aiden wound his cables.
Kissing Aiden’s cheek before hauling ass toward the door, Nic batted his eyes. “Awww, you know you love us.”
Aiden tried to roll his eyes, sigh, and look unaffected, but his quirking lips gave him away.
Unable to stay out of the ribbing, I wrapped my arms around Aiden from behind. “Oh big boy, I hope you love us, because we really love you.”
“Aw Christ! Get off me.” He pushed at my arms as he twisted away. “I think your dick rubbed my ass, you fucking fuck.” Chuckling, he backed away, guitar case held in front of him like a shield. “Y’all are crazy as hell. Let me outta here.”
With a twisted grin and suggestively waggling my eyebrows at him I grabbed my junk. “Aww, Aiden. I got the real wood. Come back, baby!”
Just as I thought he was going to make a mad dash past Dominic and out the door, he set his guitar on the floor, ran at me, and chucked me up over his shoulder.
“All right, Levi’s mine for the night!”
Laughing but on the verge of puking as his shoulder dug into my guts, I grabbed his ass.
“Ohhh, nice glutes. I can’t wait!”
“Good Lord! What are you boys doing out here? No wonder the neighbors are complaining. You all sound nuts.” Gia, Dominic’s mom, shook her head at us in mock disbelief.
Wrapping his arms around his mom’s diminutive form, Dominic kissed the top of her head. “Sorry, Ma. We just had a really good practice and we’re pretty excited. Oh, and they’re all fighting over my wood.” Shit-eating grin in place, he watched his mom roll her eyes.
Jostling me on purpose, Aiden smacked my ass and said, “No, I want Levi.”
“I’m gonna puke down your fucking back if you don’t put me down.”
“Language, Levi Ian MacKenzie!” Gia scolded, then giggled all the way back to the house.
“Yeah, Levi, watch your fucking mouth.” With a chuckle, Aiden dropped me to the ground. Huffing out a laughing breath, I pulled my shirt back down.
“For real, we sounded fucking badass, brothers.”
With a cocky grin, Nic corrected, “No. We sound Straight Wicked.”
“Fuck yeah.” He was right. We definitely were living up to our chosen name.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow afternoon. At the studio?” Everyone nodded or answered yes.
Dominic only had to go to the house, because we’d been practicing in his mom’s detached garage. We’d already planned to get back to the rehearsal studio because his neighbors really had already bitched to Gia about the noise. “One of these days, we’re gonna look back on this shit and laugh. We’re going to be one of the ones that make it. I feel it in my bones.” Dominic nodded sagely with his prophetic words.
“Hell, yeah.” With a grin, we all gave a group fist bump. Considering we hadn’t been playing together that long, we were becoming tight as fuck.
Dominic waved as he entered through the back door and kissed his mom on the cheek. Before closing the door, she smiled and waved at us.
Aiden climbed into his truck, and hollered, “Deuces!” out the window, and drove off into the night.
When Logan and I reached the curb, the street lights cast a soft glow around our vehicles. Clearing my throat, I called out to him. “Hey, Logan. You got a minute?”
He’d closed his trunk after placing his case inside and was paused at his door. First raising his eyes to look at me, he lay his forearms over the roof. He gave off the vibe that he didn’t really want to talk to me. Like he was simply humoring me.
“You okay? I rarely see you anymore except at practice.”
“Everything’s cool. Just busy.”
Even his answer was vague and hollow. “Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You look like shit, bro. What the fuck? I’m worried about you. We’re all we have now.”
“Lay off, Levi. I just have a lot of shit on my plate. If I need to talk about it, I’ll let you know.” Tipping his head back, he closed his eyes and breathed deep. “I’m sorry. I’m really not trying to be shitty. I’ll be at the house for dinner on Sunday. Okay? Maybe we can talk more then. I need to get going, though. I have a stop to make before I go home.”
Lifting my chin, I stood there as he climbed in his car, started it, and drove off. My brow furrowed in concern for the only brother I had left. The guys and I were all tight, but Logan was my baby brother and always would be.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I opened the photo gallery. Hesitation held my finger still as it hovered above a private folder. Knowing I was a glutton for punishment, I clicked the folder open. The first pictured assailed my heart, sending a sharp pain straight through my chest.
Golden brown eyes shone over the dusting of freckles on her cheeks as she smiled at me. She’d downloaded some filter app on my phone and given us both fucking animal ears. She’d caught me rolling my eyes but grinning ear to ear.
“Fuck.” The whispered exclamation preceded my click on the little trashcan in the corner. When the display asked if I was sure I wanted to delete the photo, I couldn’t do it. Disgusted with my inability to grow a pair of fucking balls, I tossed my ph
one to the passenger seat.
One of these days, I’d be able to delete not just her pictures, but her memories from my goddamn head.
“Sick & Twisted Affair”—My Darkest Days
“I was colossally stupid. Stupid on a level that I have no excuse for whatsoever. I prayed to be pregnant after Lucas died; I wasn’t. Ohhh noooo. Of course not. Unfortunately, I sure as hell am now. Surprise! And it’s Levi’s. Bigger surprise! No, I don’t know how it happened. Well, I mean, I know how babies are made, but was on birth control. I’ve been religious with taking my pills at exactly the same time every single day since I first started them. I still am. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe my emotions.” Pacing, I gripped my hair in my hands.
Who the hell am I even talking to? Great. I’m losing my mind. My freaking marbles have rolled out the door and down the damn street.
Thinking back on it, I’d probably missed my pills the entire time I was in the hospital. After I came home, I couldn’t promise I was perfect, because everything was a hot mess then. No, I did take them every day. I think I took them every day. Shit.
Smacking myself on the forehead, I cursed myself for being a fucking moron.
For the first couple of weeks after I’d gotten back, Levi had attempted to contact me daily. Multiple times a day. At first I didn’t answer any of his calls or texts. Finally I’d sent him a text asking him not to contact me. Since then, he’d remained radio silent. I’d been happy about that until last week.
Last week, I’d found out I was pregnant. So for the past week I’d been trying to figure out how to tell him.
Briefly, it crossed my mind to not tell him at all.
I’d spoken with Linda several times since I left, but definitely not as often as I had before. Secretly, I hoped she would have information about Levi, but she didn’t really mention him other than to say he was out of the Army and they had been working a lot on stuff with the band.
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