Thanks a lot, I mouthed to her. Her response was a snarky smirk before she gave a little wave to both of us. “Well, I’ll leave the two of you to chat. Find me when you’re done, chica.” She made her way back onto the crowded dance floor to dance to the house music that was playing during the band’s break.
Traitor.
As soon as she left, he fully faced me again. His expression remained devoid of even a hint of the beautiful smile he used to have for me. The hands that I desperately wanted to hold me were clenched so tight his knuckles were white. The voice I achingly wanted to tell me everything was going to be okay was silent.
“Levi, I can explain.” His snort of disbelief cut me off.
“Were you even going to tell me?” The contemptuous tone cut me to the bone. Anger warred with pain and was etched across his face. It tore my heart to shreds.
“Oh, Levi. God, I’m so sorry. Yes, of course I was going to tell you. I was going to call you. I actually tried to call you the other day. I figured you would’ve seen my missed call and maybe called me back.” His raised brows didn’t comfort me, and I chewed on the corner of my lip.
“The other day. You called the other day. And in the last, umm, how many months? Five? Six months? You didn’t know how to dial a phone? You temporarily lost my number? What, Poppy? What reasonable explanation do you have for not telling me at any point during the last several damn months? Please tell me, because I’m positively dying to know.” His voice was progressively rising, and I glanced around to make sure we weren’t attracting an audience. Thankfully, most people were on the dance floor, or drinking and laughing.
“Levi, it wasn’t like that. So much has happened in the past year, I feel like I’m drowning. Every. Damn. Day. It’s a chore to just roll my big ass out of bed, okay? Everything I thought I had is either gone or wasn’t what I thought it was. It’s like I fell down the rabbit hole and I can’t get back out. I’m not making excuses. I’m trying to tell you I have no excuse. I fucked up. Okay? And I don’t know how to fix any of it.” By the time my words were out, I could feel the hot tears running down my face.
Dammit, I hate crying. Digging in my little purse for the tissues I shoved in it, I sniffled as quietly as I could, turning my face away. Foolishly, I’d hoped he wouldn’t be able to tell I was crying, even though I knew it was obvious.
“Shit, how can it be so damn hard to find a tissue in this dinky-ass purse?” Mumbling to myself, I remembered I put them in the little zippered pocket. Silently, I dabbed at the tears, trying to salvage the makeup Trina had worked so hard on.
“Look, I didn’t mean to be such an ass. You’re right, I don’t know everything you’ve been through, but please try to look at things from my point of view. Some chick is having my kid, but it looks like she wasn’t even going to let me know.” Some chick. So I was just some chick. He looked over his shoulder to where I could see the band preparing to resume. “Look, can we have lunch tomorrow? Or I can come by your place tonight, but it might be late. Whatever is better for you.”
“Lunch is fine. What time?” Jesus, I couldn’t have him at my house tonight. Panic shot through me. That would be pure torture.
We worked out the details, and he made a move to return to the stage but then stepped closer to me. He looked away, to the sky, then straight in my eyes.
“Call me a fucking crazy bastard, but I’ve missed you.” Tentatively running the ends of my hair through his hand, he grazed his fingertips along my jaw. Shaking his head, he dropped his arm and moved back. “See you tomorrow.”
With those parting words, he was gone, weaving his way back to the stage where he spoke with the other band members. Logan looked my way with a frown before picking up his bass and fiddling with it, doing something to prepare for their next song, I assumed. One by one, they all tried to covertly look my way, but I saw them. Wondering what he’d told them, I went in search of Trina. My mood was shot and I was ready to go home.
Not seeing her on the dance floor, I made my way toward the bathrooms to clean up the mess I was sure I’d made of my face. Just as I got to the women’s bathroom door, the office door opened and John stepped out.
“Poppy….”
“John….” Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Of course, this was just perfect. The perfect topping on my shit-sundae of a night. I was going to kill Trina.
“How are you doing?” The sadness in his eyes hit me harder than I could have ever thought it would. The time that I’d been away from him had allowed me to think. A lot of things made sense to me now, and I’d begun to understand that he and mom had made what they felt had been the best decision at the time. My dad, Sam, had been a wonderful father and he had definitely loved me like his own.
“I’m… umm, I’m okay.” Belatedly, everything started to slowly click around in my head and fall into place. My eyes narrowed. “John. You brought them here, didn’t you?”
Shoulders drooping in weary resignation, he suddenly looked tired and worn out. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know I should have talked to you about it, but you’ve avoided me and… well, I just… I worry about you and I worry about that baby. If nothing else, you deserve for him to support his child.”
“Seriously? Why would you take the choice out of my hands? That wasn’t fair.” Anger and worry, battle within me. They completely overrode any rational thought I might have had.
“Because I know from painful experience that keeping secrets of this magnitude? It kills you. I don’t want to think of you feeling like I do. Like I have for over twenty-five years. And the thought of your child not having the opportunity to know its father…. Poppy, you know that’s what’s really not fair.”
Damn it all, he was freaking right. I hated it.
“Well, he knows. He saw me. Chased after me during their break. God, what a mess.” My fingers threaded through the hair at my scalp, trashing the beautiful style Trina had created. What a completely wasted and fucked-up night. “Why did I have to be such a chickenshit?”
“You’re not a chickenshit. You’re one of the strongest women I know—you and your mom both. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve had a lot dumped on your plate over this past year.” He made the same nervous motion I had, fingers messing up his previously styled hair. He closed his eyes. “Poppy, please can we sit and talk?”
“John, I’m so exhausted and shaken right now, it’s probably not a good idea.”
“Okay, I understand. What about lunch tomorrow? At your mom’s. She wanted to invite you in the morning, but since we’re here now, I’m sure she won’t mind me asking you.”
“I’m supposed to have lunch with Levi tomorrow. So he and I can talk.”
“Well, then what about dinner? You have to eat anyway, right? That baby needs to be fed.” Briefly, a small and encouraging grin tipped his lips up on one side. “You can bring Levi.”
“Jesus, John. I’m not sure about that.”
“Depending on how things go at lunch, then. Whatever. The invitation is open. I’m sure I speak for your mother when I say that regardless of what your relationship is with Levi, he’s still the father of our grandchild.” His eyes bulged, face and body frozen, and I knew he realized what he’d said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be presumptuous.”
His worried expression hit me in the feels. It was past time to let go of grudges. “It’s okay, really. I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything. I’m pretty sure I understand why you guys did what you did. And my dad,” there was the hurt wince again, “was good to me. I had a great childhood. Even though I wish you had been honest from the beginning, I can’t say my life sucked.”
“He loved you so very much. He was also incredibly proud of you. We both were.” Sincerity was embedded in his words and on his face.
“I know. Thank you for that.” Sniffling and blinking against the tears threatening to fall, I decided to let him off the hook. After all, in my own mind I’ve forgiven him. “Look, like I said, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’
m not mad at you or Mom anymore. And I wanted to thank you so much for allowing me to maintain my insurance through you this whole time, even though I quit. You didn’t need to do that, and I wanted you to know I appreciate it.”
“It was the least I could do. After everything—”
Shaking my head, I interrupted him.
“No, it’s time to let all the past hurts and secrets go.” Chills washed over me at the realization that I meant every word. His face brightened. When my tears finally escaped, I threw myself into his arms. Sobs choked me, breaking up my words. “I’ve… mi-missed y-you.”
“Oh baby girl.” He held me close as his hands soothed the tense muscles along my spine. At that moment, I realized how many times over my life he’d done the same thing—comforted me, been there for me. “Don’t cry. Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve missed you, too, and you can come back anytime you want.”
Sniveling, I continued to allow my hormonal self to release months’ worth of sorrow, regret, and tension. Gathering my wits and gaining control of my hysterics, I took a shaky breath. Gently, I extricated myself from his hold.
“I appreciate that, but I also think it’s time that I went out and found a job on my own. It always bothered and worried me that people might think I received preferential treatment because of your relationship with my parents. If this all comes out, it will look even more so. So while I am honored and touched that you would be willing to take me back after my childish behavior… well, I think it would be better if I didn’t. Do you understand?”
“Completely. But please, at least let me write you a letter of reference. And I will keep the situation of ‘us’ between you, me, and your mother for now. Not that I wouldn’t be proud as hell to announce to the world that you’re my daughter, but I understand.”
“Thank you. Thank you so much. I do love you.” It still blew my mind. The man who’d been like a father to me really was my father. He was also the toughest man I’d ever known. So to see his eyes get shimmery with unshed tears was shocking.
“So will you bring him to dinner tomorrow?” The hopeful tone of his words had me conceding.
“I’ll try.” With one last, tight hug, I felt my lips curve into a semblance of a smile. Maybe things were going to work out.
Now I just have to survive lunch tomorrow. God help me.
“Weight of the World”—Saliva
Last night had been the biggest punch to the gut I’d ever experienced. And with everything I’d seen in my military career, that was really saying something. Fuck. I was going to be a father. The words had spun through my head all through the remainder of our performance.
The guys had wanted to know what was up when I went back on stage after chasing Poppy down. I’d put them off, telling them it was complicated and I’d fill them in when I knew more. While we were packing up our equipment at the end of the night, I’d broken down and told them I was meeting her for lunch.
Logan didn’t have much to say when we returned to the hotel room. I knew he must’ve been itching to ask a million questions, but bit his tongue. The problem was, I couldn’t have answered any of them. Honestly, my head was so fucked-up with the shit she’d hit with me with, I could barely form a single coherent thought.
I’d slept like absolute crap. Nightmares blended from the horrific things I’d experienced with the SF, Poppy telling me she hated me, and Lucas yelling at me. Betrayal had sat heavy on my chest as I lay in bed panting after the final time I’d jolted awake.
“Hey, bro, I’m heading out. I’m early, but I can’t sit still here. I’m going stir-crazy.” At my words, Logan’s eyes left the TV where some weather update had been flashing across the screen, and met mine. Nodding toward the TV, I asked, “What’s that? We getting bad weather here?”
“Nah, just a baby tropical storm that is still out in the ocean somewhere. Guess they’re watching it to see if it grows up to be a hurricane.” He smirked. Growing up in Seattle, hurricanes weren’t something we’d dealt with.
“Cool. Well, I guess I’ll see you this afternoon.”
“You okay? You need me to go with you?” My younger brother was worried about me and it choked me up. As the older brother, I was supposed to be looking out for him, but I’d been too wrapped up in my own shit and misery lately.
“Nah, I’m okay. I’ll fill you in when I get back and know more.”
“Call me if that changes. You hear me?”
“Yeah, baby brother. I hear you.” Smacking the bottom of his foot where it was crossed over the other, I grinned. “Thanks. I mean it. We’re still hitting the beach when I get back, yeah?”
“Of course. Dominic and Aiden are down at the pool now. They headed down while you were in the shower.” Logan’s feet slid across the bed and dropped to the floor as he sat up and looked me straight in the eye. He looked like he wanted to say something.
“You okay, Logan? Why didn’t you go down with them?”
“I’ll head down after you go. I just wanted to make sure you were good and didn’t need me to go with you.” Shit, my little brother really was looking out for me. He’d remained unusually quiet since last night. Hell, if I was honest, he’d been a little off since we’d arrived back at the house to find Poppy gone all those months ago. It had me wondering if, despite what he’d said, he was still pissed about what had happened between me and her.
Logan was kind of worrying me in general lately. He’d been a little more withdrawn than normal and he’d started dating this chick none of us liked. She seemed to be dragging him down. Not to mention, she was a little crazy and unpredictable.
Losing Lucas was a reality check and it showed Logan and me that we shouldn’t take a single day for granted. Because as the three of us had gotten older, we’d allowed distance and time be an excuse for drifting apart. So he and I were working hard to remedy that. Thankfully, we were closer than we’d ever been.
Because of that decision, and thanks to a whole lot of Crown one night a few weeks ago, I had told him everything that had happened during her visit.
To say he’d been stunned would be an understatement. He’d punched me square in the eye, leaving me with a shiner to beat all shiners. Then he’d proceeded to chew my ass for being insensitive and a selfish asshole. There wasn’t much I could say in my defense except the truth.
I’d told him about our communication while I was deployed. About how she’d become my best friend. Not being able to discuss my missions, I’d talked to her about myself. More than I’d ever told anyone. Even Lucas or Logan.
The look on Logan’s face that day told me he was hurt that I’d told her things I hadn’t told him. He’d then surprised me by saying he understood and it made him feel like shit, but he almost wished I’d met her first. Since then, he hadn’t said much more about it. From what he had said, I had a feeling he thought if I’d just opened my damn mouth that first time I saw her, Lucas would still be here.
“Yeah, bro, I’m good. Well, as good as a guy can be who finds out he’s going to be a father under the circumstances I am. Shit. What am I gonna tell Mom and Dad?” Lacing my fingers behind my neck, I paced a few steps.
“Levi, they aren’t going to hate you. Just tell them the truth, like you did with me. Except you may want to stay out of striking range from Dad.” At my bug-eyed look and slack-jawed expression, he laughed.
“Not helping, shithead.” Though I’d muttered at him, his laughter was contagious and good to hear. “Okay, I’m out.”
Leaving the guys at the hotel, I took the rental and drove to the address she’d texted me in the wee hours of the morning. Catching movement out of the corner of my eye, I glanced to the passenger seat and could have sworn Lucas was sitting there. Before I could look twice to verify my crazed thoughts, he was gone.
Shaking my head, I knew I had to have imagined him and the pleased look on his face. “I’m losing my fucking mind.”
As I parked, I gripped the steering wheel so tight my knuckles popped. Glancing up at the
small diner, I knew it was now or never. It was time to grab myself by the balls and face her and this situation.
A baby… fuck.
The caveman in me wanted to charge in there and demand she come back to Seattle and marry me. Shoving that primitive, possessive bastard down deep, I pushed a breath out of my mouth and opened the door.
When I stepped into the bustling restaurant, my eyes scanned the faces until amber eyes met mine. Once they locked on to me, everything faded away. There was no cacophony of conversations, just a murmur. The clatter of dishes, pots, and pans dissipated as my feet carried me closer to the table where she sat waiting.
Goddamn, she was fucking beautiful. A goddess amongst mere mortals. I fucking wanted her. I wanted her to be mine. If I could stand on the corner and yell out to everyone that she belonged to me, I would.
Swallowing the lump that suddenly lodged in my throat, I slid onto the bench across from her. No sooner had I sat than a young girl who was entirely too damn happy stopped by to get my drink order.
As soon as she stepped away, I cleared that lump from my throat. “So—”
“I’m—”
We spoke at the same time and stopped at the same time. Pink spread over her gorgeous face, and she pulled her full bottom lip between her teeth.
“Sorry. Go ahead.” The sound of her voice was a balm to my soul. Returning my gaze to her mesmerizing golden eyes, I nodded.
“Umm, you look good. Is everything okay? With the baby, I mean?” Jesus, I sounded like a dumbass. One who couldn’t form sensible phrases. Despite the magnitude of my anger at her for not telling me sooner, I couldn’t hold on to it.
And let me tell you, I’d been a mad motherfucker last night. So mad, all I’d wanted to do was break shit or go to a seedy bar and start a fight with the biggest sonofabitch there. Instead, I’d taken my ass to bed. After tossing and turning well into the morning, thanks to my anger and my nightmares, I found couldn’t stay mad at her. I was such a fucking pussy.
Make Music With Me Page 17