Waiting on Forever

by Ashley Wilcox

  “Hey, look at this,” Matt says enthused, showing me the key card.

  I look at it, confused. There is nothing noticeably wonderful about it. It’s your typical plastic rectangular new age key.

  “Room twelve,” he says pointing to the room number.

  “Ohh…” The light bulb came on. “Your football number.”

  “That’s pretty cool, huh?” he says, shrugging his shoulders.

  “Very cool, Babe,” I respond, standing up on my tippy toes to give him a quick peck on the lips.

  Like he always does, he looks down at me like he’s studying my face with a sweet grin. Just as I’m about to ask him what he’s thinking when he does that, the elevator door opens with a group of giggly teenagers in their tiny bikinis emptying out. Their laughs are so high pitched that I’m sure they’ve gotten every dog’s attention in a ten mile radius. Matt and I both look at each other annoyed as we step into the now empty elevator.

  “God, I hope we don’t have girls,” Matt says as the doors close.

  With the butterflies flapping and my heart filled with love, I wrap my arms around his waist as I ask, “You wanna have babies with me?”

  He drapes his arm around my shoulder and kisses my forehead. “Hell, yeah. I mean, not for like ten years or whatever, but yeah. I want the cookie cutter house with the picket fence and a bunch of little Matt juniors runnin’ around. I’ve already got it all planned out, Babe.”

  Feeling a knot of tears moving up my throat, I have to take a deep breath. I’m so full of emotion right now, picturing the life that Matt has all drawn out for us, it’s not even funny.

  Damn him for making me sappy!

  I’ve never been the hearts and flowers kind of girl that gets all emotional watching the Notebook over and over again, but for some reason since I met Matt all that has gone to shit. Now I find myself thinking about all that gushy cute stuff and imagining things with him that I never thought I would ever picture with anyone. I always thought that I’d someday move to New York City, live in a trendy flat with an ugly hairless dog, and work for some big photography company. But now I’m living in Pleasantville, married to the perfect husband with a zillion little football players running around, and I’m okay with it. I’m actually more than okay with it. It’s perfect.

  We find our room at the end of the hallway on the first floor. It has a clean starchy hotel smell and just past the bathroom on the left and the mini bar on the right, there’s a big queen size bed with a large flat screen TV hanging on the wall in front of it. Of course, Matt notices that first and leaps onto the bed, throwing his hands behind his head and crossing his feet at the ankles, clicking the power on with the remote.

  He’s got a big goofy grin on his face as he pats the spot next to him for me to sit down. A knot forms in my stomach seeing how unaffected and happy he seems. All week I was preparing myself for this weekend to be incredibly awkward and Matt to be full of nervous jitters and anxiety. However, right now I feel like we’re on a weekend getaway instead of hours away from meeting his dying mother that he knew nothing about until recently. Is this happy go lucky attitude just a cover-up for what he’s really feeling inside? Should I ask him just in case he’s bottling it up?

  “Okay, what’s wrong?” Matt asks seeing me deep in thought. “You’re lookin’ at me like I’m about to take my last breath.”

  Well no, but your mom is.

  I swallow hard and force a smile as I make my way over to him and snuggle in close. “Are you okay, Babe? Ya know, with everything that’s goin’ on?” I ask, needing to make sure all is well. I feel like it’s my girlfriend duty.

  He exhales deeply and pulls me into his side, resting his chin on my head. “I think so,” he softly admits. “I mean, it’s frickin crazy as hell, but whatever…it is what it is, I guess.”

  Nodding my head, I have to agree. He’s right. It is what it is. There’s no other way to think about it because it just gets all depressing and crap if you really look into it. Although it sucks that his mom’s dying and he’ll never really be given the chance to get to know her, I’m hoping that maybe this is a start to a good relationship with his stepfather and siblings. It’d make me so happy to know that Matt actually has people in his life that he can call his family.

  I squeeze myself in closer and drape my legs over his thighs so I’m curled in close to him. “I love you,” I whisper into his chest.

  He kisses the top of my head. “I love you, too, baby.”

  We sit there for a while, surfing through the channels and watching random shows. I start to doze off, but I’m woken up by Matt’s phone.

  “What the hell?” he says, reaching down into his pants pocket to pull it out.

  Wondering who could be calling him this late, I sit up and look at him confused. His face goes blank as he looks at the caller ID.

  “It’s Jack,” he murmurs before answering it. “Hello? Uh, yeah. We’re just sitting here…Shit…Okay, yeah we’ll be right there…Sounds good…Yeah, just text me them…Okay, bye.”

  He presses end and stares expressionless at his phone. Resting my hand gently on his arm, I ask, “Is everything okay?”

  “She, uh…my mom…” Matt looks up at me with pain in his eyes. “They think she’s about to go,” he continues, his voice crackling.

  Oh shit.

  We knew she wasn’t doing well and we knew it was only a matter of time, but I thought it’d be weeks before she passed, not days. From the look on Matt’s face, I think that’s what he thought as well.

  “So, what’s the plan? Are we gonna go to the hospital right now?”

  “Yeah, he’s gonna text me the directions. He said we should come now.”

  My heart breaks, seeing the pain that’s sweeping Matt’s face. I don’t think this had all fully sunk in until now, and it’s kind of smacking him in the face–making him run instead of walk into the truth of it all. In minutes Matt is going to meet his mom for the first time in eighteen years, but he’s also going to have to say goodbye to her. I don’t really know how you prepare yourself for something like that.

  Knowing that I have to be the strong one, the one he can lean and depend on, I take a deep breath, wrap my arms around his neck, and whisper, “it’ll all be okay…I promise.”

  Biting his lip, he looks me in the eyes as he nods his head in agreement. “I know...” he says, but doesn’t sound confident, like he’s hoping it’ll be true if he says it out loud. Taking a deep breath, he pats my leg. “Ya ready?” he asks.

  “Only if you are.”

  “As much as I’m going to be,” he forcefully smiles.

  By the time we get ourselves ready, Jack has texted Matt the directions to the hospital. It’s seriously right around the corner and doesn’t take us more than ten minutes to get there, park the car, and walk into the entrance.

  Squeezing Matt’s hand, we make our way into the elevator. He’s completely silent and chewing on his bottom lip nervously as he stares at the numbers lighting up above us after each floor we pass. Stopping at the sixth floor, the elevator dings as the doors spread open. We’re greeted by a nursing station with rooms lining each side.

  “Can I help you?” I lady behind the desk asks wearing hospital scrubs.

  “Uh, yeah. I’m looking for-”

  “Matthew.” A man’s voice cuts Matt off, coming out of a room to the left of us.

  We both turn immediately, startled by the voice.

  He’s a good looking guy, probably in his late thirties–tall, skinny, with light hair and eyes. I notice the redness in his eyes as he gets closer and the circles underneath. I’m guessing that he’s Jack.

  Not being shy and clearly overjoyed to see us, he wraps his arms around Matt, pulling him into a hug. He doesn’t hold on long, just pats Matt a couple of times on the back before stepping back and hugging me. Already I can tell that he’s a kind loving man.

  “Gosh, I’m so happy you guys could make it in time. This is such a joy for her to meet yo
u before she goes into Gods hands,” he smiles, shaking his head in disbelief while tears pool his eyes. Clearly this man has been through the ringer and loves his wife more than life itself.

  I can tell Matt is overwhelmed and lost for words, but still manages to politely respond, “Yeah, I’m just glad you found me in time.”

  Jack just nods his head and smiles whole heartedly, but then takes a deep breath remembering why we’re here. “So, uh, your mom…she’s still conscious, but having a hard time breathing on her own. She’s been fighting her butt off, but is finally throwing in this towel, I think. Her heart rate and vitals have been decreasing tonight, and her doctor doesn’t think she’s going to hold on much longer…I know this is a lot and I don’t want to push you to do anything, but she is awake right now if you, uh…”

  “Yeah…yeah, of course,” Matt responds, visibly swallowing hard.

  “Okay…great,” Jack says, sounding relieved with Matt’s answer. You can tell he wants nothing more to push Matt through that door so his wife can get her last dying wish of meeting her long lost son, but he also doesn’t want to rush Matt into something he’s not comfortable with. “So, uh…right this way.” he adds, turning towards the room.

  I squeeze Matt’s hand to remind him that I’m here and will not leave his side. Like he can hear the words in my head, he squeezes back in response.

  When we walk in, the room is dark with just a dim light in the corner. There’s two younger kids curled up asleep on the love seat adjacent to the bed. His mom has her eyes shut with an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. There’s a bunch of machines and wires spread out around her, all beeping to their own tune. Matt and I stand at the end of the bed just a little to the side as Jack sits in the chair next to her, and softly lifts her hand. Her eyes flutter open and it takes a minute for her to register all of us in the room.

  She looks at Matt and then at Jack. Jack looks at her eyes full of emotion and the sweetest smile spread across his face. He nods his head to her unspoken question. “Yes, Sweetheart, it is him,” he says full of love, gently stroking the top of her hand.

  Slowly moving her sight back to Matt, a soft cry echoes in her mask as tears trickle down her face. Matt squeezes my hand tighter as his body stiffens and he takes a deep breath, trying to fight back the tears of his own.

  “Hi, Mom,” he softly chokes out.

  Every strong bone in my body goes to hell hearing Matt greet his mom for the first time. It clearly has the same effect on her because her eyes fill with even more tears and drop continuously down her cheeks.

  “Here…sit,” Jack says, offering up his chair and moving to the side.

  Matt accepts his offer and slowly moves over to the side of the bed, never loosening his grip on my hand.

  Sitting down in the chair, I release my hand from his and stand behind him with my hands on both of his shoulders. The knot in my throat that I’ve been diligently pushing down breaks free, making the tears flow down my face when I see Matt reach for her hand. I gently caress the back of his shoulders with my thumbs, showing him the comfort, support, and love that he needs. Their eyes lock and stare emotionally at one another. My heart breaks in to a million pieces, wishing that this wasn’t the way that Matt was meeting his mom for the first time. Wishing that he could have the chance to know how it feels to have a parent that loves him.

  “I…” she tries to speak, but is struggling.

  Matt sniffles and wipes a stray tear from his face as he leans in and covers the top of her hand with his other one. “It’s okay, Mom…I know.”

  With Matt’s forgiveness, she doesn’t try to say anything else. She just lays her head to the side and stares at Matt, taking him in as much as she can before giving herself to the man above.

  After what feels like only minutes, she starts gasping for air while the monitors start beeping uncontrollably. Matt looks back at Jack and I with panic in his eyes. I wrap my arms tightly around Matt’s neck, bringing my cheek to his. Jack rushes over to the other children, shaking them awake and whispering softly that it’s time. Doctors and nurses flood the room, checking the machines and taking her pulse. They look at each other in agreement as one nurse turns the monitor off to eliminate the noise.

  “Very soon now, Mr. Riley,” one doctor kindly notifies Jack. “We’ll leave you all to say your goodbyes,” he says before they all exit the room.

  Both kids acknowledge Matt and I, obviously knowing who we are, before moving to the side of the bed to say goodbye to their mom. Jack stands behind them with a hand on each of their shoulders and Matt and I watch quietly from the other side. The older one, a boy, I guess can’t be older than ten or eleven and the younger one, a girl, maybe a couple years younger. My heart breaks seeing them sobbing with sadness, knowing that they are far too young to be losing their mom. No child, at such a young age should have to go through something like this.

  We all stay where we are, quietly watching her weak chest rise and fall as she struggles to stay alive. Seconds later her breath catches, and her chest falls still. There’s complete silence in the room, other than a few sniffles here and there, as we just stare at her lifeless body. The kids look up at Jack confused. With tears falling from his eyes, he nods his head confirming that she has passed. They both break out into a hysterical cry as they wrap their arms tightly around his waist.

  Matt stands up and squeezes me into his chest, letting out the tears and heartache of his own. I hold him as tight as possible, trying to transfer as much strength from me to him as I can.

  But truthfully I’m just as much of a wreck as he is.

  There’s no denying the love that Matt’s mom held in her heart for him all these years. The warmth in her eyes as she stared into his and the softness of her delicate hand while she made her last few breaths was enough closure, knowing that even though she was not physically present in Matt’s life, she has loved him all along.

  Although I know Matt’s grandparents were looking out for Matt’s best interest and probably did the best thing by keeping Matt’s mom away from him, the realization that he could have had his mom these past few years makes my heart hurt. Like Matt says, though, it is what it is and there’s nothing that’s going to change that. You just have to take it as it goes and move forward. At least now, Matt can move forward knowing that he did have a mother who cared all these years.

  After a few minutes Jack and the kids meet up with us on the other side of the room, and we exchange sympathetic hugs. We all say goodbye one last time to Matt’s mom before we head out into the hallway.

  “I’m sorry you had to meet your mother like this, Matt,” Jack says, clasping Matt’s shoulder with his hand. “I hope you know what it meant to have you here and how much she loves you.”

  Wiping his wet cheeks with the back of his hand, Matt nods his head in acknowledgement. Instead of the big tough football player, I see a small little boy wishing he had his mommy back beside him, snuggling him close and kissing all his hurts away.

  “Although I’m not your real father, Matt, I want you to know that you’re always welcome in our house,” Jack genuinely tells Matt. “We’d love to have you over while you guys are here this weekend. The kids have really been looking forward to meeting you. Cole…” he rubs the young boys head, “…just made the modified football team and was hoping he’d be able to throw the football around with you,” Jack says with a hopeful grin.

  Matt’s frown turns to a small smile as he looks down at his half-brother. “Yeah, that’d be cool.” Thrilled that Matt agrees, Cole looks up at Matt with a warm adoring little brother grin.

  “And this is Catherine,” Jack continues, resting his hand on her shoulder. “She’s going to be my artist.” She warmly smiles at his statement.

  “Really? You like art?” I ask her.

  She bashfully looks down to the ground with a cute smirk, but nods her head in agreement. Squatting down to her level, I smile as I tell her, “I love art, too.”

  Although she
snuggles closer into Jack, her eyes grow wide and a smile creeps across her face.

  “Well, maybe we can have Matt and Leah over for dinner tomorrow and you guys can play some football and do whatever art kind of things you like to do,” Jack says in an encouraging tone.

  Seeing the emotion flood Matt’s eyes, he pulls me into his side and kisses my head before he says, “That sounds great.”

  Chapter 30

  By the time we get back to the hotel it’s already pushing one in the morning. Exhausted and emotionally drained we get changed and crawl into bed. I snuggle in close to Matt with my body facing his. A stray tear falls out of his right eye and faintly dampens the pillow.

  “You okay, Babe?” I ask brushing his face with my thumb.

  He stares at me for a moment with softness in his eyes. “Yeah, tonight was bittersweet, ya know?” he says as he gently rubs the top of my arm.

  Knowing what he’s talking about and feeling the same way, I slowly nod my head in agreement.

  “It sucks because I feel like I lost a part of me tonight, but at the same time I feel like I gained so much.” Although he’s looking straight in my eyes when he tells me this, I know his mind is elsewhere. It was heartbreaking seeing Matt’s mom fade away right in front of our eyes, but it was also a start of something really wonderful for Matt.

  He was given family.

  “I kinda feel like an ass right now,” he admits with pain in his eyes.

  Now staring at him confused, I blurt out, “Why?”

  “Cause I just watched my mom die which was one of the worst things I’ve ever been through, but I’m so frickin excited to play football with my little brother. How fucked up is that?”

  Instantly I’m shaking my head, disagreeing one hundred percent. “Matt, it is more than okay to be excited. You were just given a brother and sister…and a father! This is huge and wonderful and something to be happy as hell about. Don’t feel bad. Your mom is probably already smiling ear to ear seeing you part of the family—even if she’s not physically here to see it.”