I smiled, thinking about it, and then something hit me. In those moments wrapped up in each other, Annie had forgotten Ryan. For those moments, she’d been mine. It made me wonder if I stood a chance with her or if that night was all there would ever be between us—if that’s all there should ever be.
18
Ryan
Opening day of baseball season had always been a big deal for me. I loved everything about it. The dirt, the adrenaline, the sounds of bats cracking, mitts popping, teammates and coaches shouting.
I’d always had first game jitters, but stepping onto the mound to play my first college game was nerve wracking. The crowd was so loud. College fans were crazier than high school fans. They painted their faces and chests, held signs and chanted cheers for us.
I wished Annie could have been with me to experience it. I couldn’t imagine a greater rush. The game was at home and although our opponent put up a hard fight, we won. I realized that as talented as I was, remaining unbeaten for an entire season would be difficult as I met other talented players. Hitters, who wanted to show me up— prove to me that college ball was more difficult than high school ball.
As I left the dugout, I noticed Katie standing with my parents. She was holding Jacob, who was wearing a red baseball cap, his arms and legs flailing in excitement. It made me smile. I was surprised to see them. Especially my mother, who hadn’t ever come to watch me play before. My father had always made every game that he could.
As I approached them, I realized my mother was talking to a man decked out in press passes. A reporter.
Before I could open my mouth to ask what was going on, the man asked if he could get a photo of me with Katie and Jacob for a story he was doing on me, and that my mother had already filled him in on everything.
“No. No photos. No story. I don’t care what my mother told you. I don’t want anything about my personal life printed. Period.” I looked sharply at my mother. “Or I’ll fill you in on a more interesting story about her,” I told him. “You better fix this,” I threatened her, before walking away. My father followed me.
“She’s trying to hurt Annie, Dad,” I raged. “How do you think it would look if she opened the paper and saw a big happy family looking back at her? Not being able to talk to her is driving me crazy, but not being able to explain that my mother set up the story would be excruciating. Is she trying to get me to break our deal? Because that’s what will happen if a word is printed about Katie and Jacob. I could never let Annie think there was anything going on between Katie and me. I don’t even want her to know that Mom moved them into my house.”
“I don’t think your mother wants you to break the agreement. I just think she’d like for you to be more involved—” “By splattering pictures of us all over the paper?”
“I’m not sure what her thinking was, but whether it’s a photo in the paper or not, Jacob is permanent, and attached to him is his mother, Katie, who will also be permanent in your life, and in Annie’s.”
“We’re all going to have to find a way to get along. I get that, but I’m putting up with enough of Mom’s garbage. I’m playing her game, and I’ll give her this, she was right about Jacob. I love him, but I will never love Katie, not even if Mom forces me to live with her forever.”
“I’ll talk to her, send the reporter away. It’ll be okay.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, and kept walking after he stopped.
I didn’t go home until well after dark. I didn’t think Katie was at fault. I was sure my mother had coaxed her into bringing Jacob to the park today, but I didn’t want crazy rumors about us making their way to Annie. I didn’t want her to worry that I wasn’t keeping my promise to her.
Katie was cleaning the kitchen when I came in. “What does she have on you?” I asked. Katie stopped what she was doing and looked at me. “My mother, what does she have on you?” I repeated.
Katie shook her head. “I didn’t know what she was up to today. I would never have gone if I did. I don’t want my kid dragged into whatever the hell is going on between the two of you.”
“She was trying to hurt...” “Your girlfriend,” Katie offered her face expressionless.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Figures,” she grumbled. “I’m not going to put up with your mother using my son to piss off your girlfriend.”
“Neither am I.”
“I bet our reasons differ,” she said coldly. She was right. I was more concerned about Annie being hurt than her. Jacob was still too young to know what was happening.
“What does she have on you that made you come here?” I asked again.
“Your mother has nothing on me. I told you before that I don’t want to be here.”
“Then why are you?”
“My father cut me off, even took away my car. But there’s great news,” she said sarcastically. “The saint that he is promised not to leave me homeless, but only if I came here. He feels he’s being more than generous considering the predicament I’d put him in by getting pregnant,” she complained, scrubbing the countertop harder than necessary.
“Sending you here was your family’s way of punishing you for Jake?”
“They’re not punishing me, they’re just glad to be rid of me for a while. I mean, my parents are a big, important deal. Everybody thinks so,” she glowered, rolling her eyes.
“All of my youth, they overlooked every bad thing I did. Cleaned up every mess I made to keep it from becoming public, but this, straightening up and being responsible is what got me cut off and sent to live with a stranger who hates me.”
“I don’t… hate you. I thought that maybe you wanted—” “What our stupid parents want for us?” she asked, then looked hard into my eyes. “All I want is for our kid not to have parents like ours. All I want from you is to be a good dad to Jake. That’s it. That’s all.”
“Okay,” I heard myself agree before I realized I’d formed the word.
“Thank you.” She threw the sponge she’d been cleaning the counters with into the sink, washed her hands, and then picked up Jacob. “I’m going to bed.”
“Wait,” I said. She turned around and looked at me, our son in her arms. It was the first time I realized how much he looked like her.
“If you don’t have a car, how have you been getting groceries and diapers?”
“Your mother has what I need delivered.”
“She knows you don’t have car—what if there’s an emergency with Jake?”
“I’ve been hoping there wouldn’t be one.”
“I’ve got a car sitting in my parent’s garage. I can’t believe my mother didn’t offer it to you. I’m going to be out of town for baseball three days next week. You can’t be without a car. Or money. I’ll make sure you have both by tomorrow afternoon.”
“I’d appreciate it if I could use the car, but you don’t have to give me money.”
“Yes, I do. For Jake.” Katie looked a little uncomfortable. I imagined she would take the money, but wouldn’t like it much. When you’re used to having your own, taking it from another source feels like charity.
“Okay, thank you,” she said.
“I’m sorry I got so upset this afternoon. My mother knows how to push every button I have,” I said to Katie, before she could walk away. She smiled and nodded. “I understand. I have one of those button-pushing mothers, too. Good night.”
“Night.”
As I watched her carry Jake down the hall to his room, I felt this sort of peace fill my chest. I loved the boy and was starting to think it would be possible to get along with Katie. She seemed genuine. I hoped she was telling the truth about what she wanted from me. I’d be glad to give her anything as long as it wasn’t me.
19
Katie
I’d known from the jump that Valerie inviting Jake and me to Ryan’s baseball game had a purpose. I didn’t know what until she introduced the reporter to me.
I’d gone to the game because I was interested in see
ing Ryan pitch. After considering all the trophies and stacks of newspaper articles about him, I was curious. And he didn’t disappoint.
Ryan was mesmerizing on the mound. I was captivated from the moment I saw him run onto the field in his uniform. He looked damn amazing, and his talent blew my mind.
After the game, I was angry that Ryan hadn’t even said hello to me or acknowledged Jake after seeing the reporter.
Although Valerie hadn’t directly told me her intention was to hurt Annie, deep down I knew it, and would have gone along with it, but for a different reason. Going public with Jacob would have royally pissed off my parents.
I imagined that Valerie thought of herself as a great manipulator, but really, she was an amateur. Manipulating Ryan would require a more subtle approach. Hers was too forceful to be effective. Making it seem that I was also a victim in Valerie’s scheme would help Ryan relate to me and not feel so threatened.
Making it clear that I was only here for Jake had chipped away some of Ryan’s resentment toward me, and gained me slight entrance into his world.
20
Justin
“You’re home,” Pam gushed, resting her hands on my cheeks, looking me over before hugging me nearly to death.
“Hey, I thought I heard your big mouth.” My dad grinned, coming from the hallway. We shook hands. “Yeah, everybody tells me I’ve got your deep, man voice.”
“When do you have to go back?” Pam wiggled in between Dad and me.
“In the morning.”
“What?” she whined. I laughed at her pouty face. “We didn’t have practice today and I was a little homesick, so I decided to come out and spend the day.”
Truthfully, I needed to see Annie. Natalie’s words had haunted me all week. You can’t help how you feel. I wasn’t sure how I felt, but knew I shouldn’t have been thinking of her while making out with another girl—the scent of her shampoo present or not.
“Oh, I hate short visits, but I’m so glad you’re here.” Pam put her hands on my cheeks again. “Larry—” she started, but he cut her off. “I know. I’ll lay out some steaks.”
“Could you put out an extra for Annie? I’d like to invite her over.”
“Of course you would,” Dad snickered, walking to the kitchen. Annie was right about him. The man missed nothing.
“Annie has to work after school today,” Pam said.
“Work?” The high-pitched crack in my voice garnered full-on laughter from my dad as he rifled through the freezer.
“She didn’t tell you? She works at the store a couple days a week now.”
“Yeah, she told me.” I just hadn’t thought about it affecting my plans.
“She’ll be done at six, just in time for dinner.”
“But if you can’t wait,” Dad piped in. “You could show up at school and have lunch with her. I bet you’ve missed that square pizza something fierce.”
“I’m good,” I said casually, letting him know that I knew what he was doing. He’d been making sideways comments about me and Annie since discovering us making out Christmas night—getting in a dig or two every now and then.
I texted Annie about dinner at Pam’s. She replied ok. Her simple response made me feel a little stupid since I was so anxious to see her.
Time ticked too slowly waiting for her to arrive. I’d thought several times about going to the store to see her, but wondered what I would say once I got there. Or what kind of jokes my dad would crack. She was only working three hours. She’d be here soon. Why was I so restless? And nervous? And worried about what to say and how to act around a person I’d known half of my life. Why was thinking about seeing Annie making my palms clammy?
I went to my bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, washed my hands, and then looked hard at myself in the mirror.
I blew out a deep breath and straightened myself up. As I walked out of my room, Annie walked through the front door. She was wearing a dress and high heels and carrying an overnight bag. I swallowed hard at the sight of her.
“Hey.” She smiled and gave me a hug with her empty arm. “Sorry, I was short with you today. The class I was in, the teacher loves taking away cell phones. I’m going to go change. I’ll be right back.”
I turned, feeling a bit dumbfounded and watched until she’d disappeared inside my bedroom. I heard my dad chuckle.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He shook his head.
“No. Not nothing. What?”
He nodded toward the back porch and I followed him outside. He opened the cooler sitting between two rocking chairs and cracked open a couple beers, then said, “I think I know how you feel about her.
That was no good. If the people around us could tell, then I was being too obvious. I plopped down hard in the other rocker.
“I’m not sure how I feel. I mean, something’s different, something’s shifted, but she’s my best friend and I’m not sure pursuing her is a good idea. If being together didn’t work, how would we recover from it?”
“There’s no guarantee that you would, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.”
“Yeah,” I said blindly, rocking in my chair.
“Friendship is important in a romantic relationship. It’s the best foundation to build on, and the two of you know each other inside and out.”
“I don’t know if I could risk our friendship. I need it too much to lose it.”
“You two took a big risk out here on this porch last Christmas. You seem to have recovered from that.”
“Before she left that night, Annie said she wanted to forget it happened. And neither one of us has mentioned it since.”
“It didn’t look to me like something either of you could easily forget.”
“I know,” I roughly breathed out. “I’ve freaking dreamt about it; it’s in my head almost nonstop. At first, I thought Annie was right, but sometimes I look at her and…” I didn’t know how to put into words what I felt. “Why does she have to smell so good?” I moaned. Dad laughed. “Just one of the many evil joys of women, Son.”
“I was with Natalie the other night and smelled Annie’s shampoo on my pillow and started thinking about her and the night I’m supposed to forget happened. It was almost gross, kissing one girl while thinking of another. Long story short, Natalie and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”
“That’s probably for the best.”
“You think Annie thinks about that night, too?” I looked at my dad, a little too hopeful.
“I don’t know how she couldn’t. Have you thought that maybe she feels the same way, but is worried, like you, that it would ruin your friendship?”
“That’s the reason she gave for never wanting to talk about it again. She hasn’t even hinted that her feelings have changed.” I shook my head. “She’s so nuts over Ryan. You know they’re planning to get married. He got another girl pregnant, Dad. She can’t see him for three months so he can save his granddad’s farm—like he’s one of the flipping Walton’s or something. I think the guy could set her on fire, and she’d forgive him.”
“Well then, I guess you know what you have to do.” He stood up, patted me on the shoulder, and went back in the house.
“Yeah, keep my mouth shut,” I muttered to myself, hoping that whatever I was feeling for Annie would mercifully stop.
21
Katie
During Jacob’s nap, I wandered into Ryan’s room to do some snooping. I lay on his bed, rifled through his closet, and looked inside the drawers of his nightstand and dresser. I wanted to find a way to get closer to him—to get him to open up more.
Now that we shakily stood on common ground, I wanted Ryan to take more of an interest in me as a person, instead of only tolerating me because I’m Jacob’s mother.
I was certain that all Ryan wanted was to get through the next seven weeks as easily as he could, but we were here to learn more about one another and form a relationship, a friendship, at the very least, but he was so gua
rded that I would have to force my way into his good graces.
Trying to convince Ryan that he belonged with me would be next to impossible. It would take nothing short of a miracle for him to see me as anything other than a mistake, but I had this consuming urge to change his mind.
I’d been through all of Ryan’s things, and hadn’t discovered anything I didn’t already know about him. I couldn’t believe I was doing it, but I called Valerie for advice.
“Yes?” she answered. I could tell by her tone that she knew what I wanted, but would make me say it for her own satisfaction.
“I think I want to get closer to Ryan.”
“Of course you do dear. He fathered your child.”
“I’m not sure that’s why,” I admitted.
“Every unhappy little girl wants what she didn’t have growing up. Wanting more for Jake is only natural.”
“What should I do?”
“Well, now that you and Ryan are chummy, it’s time to get a good foothold.”
“We’re not chummy. We’ve had a couple two-minute exchanges, but he is more attentive to Jake.”
“You need to build on that. You should decorate his nursery; demonstrate that Jacob is a permanent fixture in Ryan’s life now.”
“I think Ryan understands that Jake is permanent,” I chortled.
“Don’t be fresh,” Valerie snapped.
“Fine, but I’m asking him first.”
“You live there too, dear. You don’t have to ask.”
I swear she didn’t know Ryan at all. “If I ask him, he won’t say no. He’ll appreciate me including him, instead of making him feel like I’m trying to force him. Or that it was your idea.”
“Do what you feel you need to. Ask tonight, get started tomorrow. I’ll send over some cash to cover the expenses.”
“I have money. Ryan gave me some,” I blurted before thinking. I should have let her pay for it.
“And you said you two aren’t chummy,” she hummed before hanging up.
Breathe (Sway Part 2) Page 5