“Why would you want to keep it, dear? It represents nothing now. What value could it possibly hold for you?”
I still thought she was full of it. That she’d created that newspaper announcement to steal my ring.
“No. Ryan gave me this ring, you can’t have it.”
“Since you and he haven’t talked in a while, you don’t know what went on while you were apart. After meeting Jacob, Ryan invited him and Katie to move in with him.”
“You’re a liar,” I said, and pushed past Valerie. I went outside, marched to the driveway across the street, and pulled their newspaper from the plastic wrapper. I tore through it sheet-by-sheet, determined to prove Valerie wrong. She’d set the whole thing up, I knew it in my soul. Ryan would not have lived with Katie, much less married her.
When I saw the announcement in that paper, tears welled in my eyes. I threw it down, ran to the driveway next door, and repeated the process. I tore four newspapers to shreds and was on my knees sobbing in a stranger’s lawn as the truth settled in.
“If you wanted a copy, you could have had mine,” Valerie, said, holding the folded over newspaper in her hands. “I didn’t make Ryan move Katie and Jacob into his home. I didn’t make Ryan marry Katie. He chose to. He wants his family to be together. You should want that for him, too. Deep down, I’m sure you knew this day would come. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you anymore. He’s replaced you. That ring represents an unfulfilled contract, it should be returned to Ryan.”
Tears flooded my eyes, flowing down my cheeks. I suddenly felt sick at the thought of Ryan on his honeymoon with her. I felt like such a fool. I pulled the ring from my finger and looked at Valerie. “You want it so bad, go get it.” I threw the ring into the street, got up and ran inside my house, bolting the door behind me.
I felt finality closing in. Ryan and I were done. Over. He had chosen Katie. All of the waiting and hoping and praying hadn’t made a difference. I still lost him. Part of me felt it could happen, but all of me hoped it wouldn’t. And none of me expected him to marry her in the same place we’d planned to be married. Ryan was giving Katie everything he’d promised me and didn’t even have the decency to tell me himself. Not even a phone call.
He was going to talk to me—tell me himself. I took the cordless phone from the kitchen counter and dialed Ryan’s number. This was the first time I’d ever called him. After two rings, I got a recording stating the number I’d dialed was no longer in service.
He was such a coward. I didn’t know why, but he’d intended to hurt me. Why else would he have sent his mother, who he knows I hate, who hates me possibly more than that, to tell me he’d married Katie?
I was so overwrought with pain that I felt darkness begin to consume me. I felt my soul collapsing, as if I only had seconds before a complete system shut down. And then, I was gone.
56
Ryan
“Are you drunk?” My mother asked me. I glared at her. “Good grief, Ryan. Our friends—Katie’s parents are here.”
“Oh, right. I can’t make you look bad in front Archer and Lucinda, can I?” I asked rhetorically. “Something tells me they won’t care what shape I’m in as long I legitimize their grandson.”
“Go splash some water on your face—try to sober up.”
“I drank a pint of… of… something brown. I don’t think a splash of water will help me.”
“You best not embarrass me or so help me, Ryan,” my mother threatened, her face furiously red.
“Yes, ma’am—best behavior.” I saluted her, and then took my place beside the minister and waited for my bride to walk down the aisle. I’d been drunk three days. I was afraid of sobering up before getting this wedding over with; I didn’t think I’d make it through otherwise.
The minster began the ceremony and I tuned most of it out, except for the parts where I had to speak. I said my vows and held Katie’s hand as I slid the ring I’d bought for Annie onto her finger, marveling at how it fit hers just as it had fit the salesgirl’s finger. The truth about this ring is that it could fit almost any woman comfortably and therefore it didn’t mean a thing. It was just a ring, a sparkly decoration with zero significance.
I don’t remember asking Katie to marry me, but I do remember telling my mother how Annie had pictured our wedding in her head the day I brought her to my grandfather’s farmhouse. She mimicked Annie’s vision perfectly, and had done it in less than twelve hours, without hesitation.
I think she did too good a job because at the end of the ceremony when Katie turned to me and the minister told me to kiss my bride, I saw Annie’s face. Time stood still in that moment. I smiled at her, seeing how happy she was that she was standing in the middle of her dream wedding with me.
I gently placed my mouth on hers; ready to savor the kiss that would seal our vows. Her mouth wasn’t as soft, it wasn’t as gentle or sweet, but it wasn’t Annie that I was kissing. Kissing Katie would never feel like kissing Annie. Kissing Katie wasn’t something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
As the small crowd of strangers applauded us, I walked away, leaving Katie standing alone at the altar.
“Son,” my father put his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to stop me. I shrugged away from him and kept walking. I pulled out the flask I’d stashed inside my tux and took a long drink.
My dad had talked to me that morning and told me that I didn’t have to marry Katie. That I could still be Jacob’s father without being Katie’s husband, but I had already made up my mind. I wanted Annie to hurt the way I hurt and I knew that this would kill her. It was a shitty thing for me to do, but so was what she’d done.
I figured that once my trust was released I would burn down the cabin Annie and I had stayed in, or bulldoze it. Whatever it took to rid of the memory of that night, when we’d made so many promises to each other. Promises she didn’t keep.
I climbed up the front steps of my grandfather’s old farmhouse and looked down at Annie’s dream, hearing her voice describe just how she’d pictured this day. Feeling my eyes well with tears, I turned around and kicked the front door open, looking for something to break, something I could visibly damage. I needed to empty this rage. Our voices, our words, our plans violently circled my head. The sounds of her laughter filled the room as the memory of me chasing her up the stairs that day came to life.
“Ryan!” I heard my father shout above the crash of glass breaking.
“Why did she do it?” I asked weakly, dropping my arms to lay along my sides. “Why didn’t she wait? She was supposed to wait for me.”
“I don’t know, but now that all of this is over you could talk to her and not lose anything.”
“I’ve already lost everything,” I said numbly, tears rolling down my face. I hated crying over a girl who’d betrayed me.
“Would you like me to speak to her?”
“No. What’s done is done. This is the last time I’m going to think of her.” I knew I was lying, but I would try like hell to turn that statement into the truth. I straightened myself up and walked back outside, took my son from my mother and went to Katie, vowing that I would learn to love her, that I would do right by them as we moved forward as a family, leaving the past exactly where it was—in the past.
After
1
Annie
Full of mascara, my eyes burned. Hard as I tried, I couldn’t force them to focus. The full pockets underneath ached as I wiped what had to be the last of my tears away. There couldn’t possibly be anything left. I had to have purged all of the emotion my body was capable of producing.
I lay face down on my bed, my filmy eyes scanned the room, remembering where I was and why I felt the way I did; desolate and withered, completely empty on the inside.
Even though everything in the room was mine, it all seemed unfamiliar to me, as if I were an intruder in someone else’s life. I knew what had happened to me, but it felt more like a dream. I wished it had been a dream so I could wake up and have
my life back.
It was dark outside when I opened my eyes again. I was in the same position I had been in that morning and the night before. The side of my face was wet from lying in my tears. I imagined the black stains I must have made on my bedding, and then I wondered what my face looked like.
I closed my eyes.
I heard a car door slam and the whine of a manual engine in reverse. It was morning again. I didn’t feel like I would be able to convince myself to move, so I didn’t even try. I felt thirsty. My throat, like all other parts of me, ached. It was sore and dry, but I ignored it, drifting again.
I didn’t get up when I heard the doorbell continually ringing. I didn’t feel like I could.
I heard Justin’s voice calling my name. I thought I was dreaming until I felt him shake me, checking to see if I was alive, I imagined. I opened my eyes, but couldn’t speak. He seemed deeply disturbed by my appearance, promising to kill Ryan for doing this to me as he scraped me off the bed and carried me to the bathroom.
I made myself look in the mirror as he worked behind me, readying the shower. I looked as if I’d been locked up somewhere fighting for my life. My reflection was strange to me. I hadn’t seen myself in almost three days, so I studied the empty body in front of me, unable to recognize myself. I could control the parts of this body, blink, and move, but I didn’t understand how I was doing it.
The dark streaks ran from my lifeless eyes down my neck, angling to one side—the side that had been against the mattress. I traced the lines with my fingers, skimming them unsteadily down my face, but couldn’t feel it. I was still too numb. I blinked slowly, hoping each time I opened my eyes that I would appear, but I didn’t. I was still gone, unsure if I would ever return.
I caught a glimpse of Justin staring at me through the mirror. He’d been watching me. His eyes fell away on contact with mine. He turned me from my reflection and stood behind me. He pulled off my t-shirt and shorts and guided me into the shower.
I stood there holding my breath, letting the scalding hot water rush over my face. I was glad I could feel it burning me. At least I felt something.
It took a while, but my joints loosened, allowing me full use of my limbs. I rubbed soap over my face and neck to erase the black runs. I washed my hair, skipping the conditioner, and turned off the water. I forced my body to step out of the shower and dry off, draining all of my energy.
I heard Justin’s voice. Although I could barely make out the words, I understood that he wasn’t talking to me. He was on the phone, and sounded so angry. “No, she’s not okay. I don’t think she’s moved in three days.” He must have been talking to Pam. I tuned the rest of it out. I didn’t want to hear anymore.
I sat on my bed, still wrapped in a towel, staring at the floor. Justin came in and helped dress me, putting my shorts on underneath the towel and my shirt over it before pulling it off of me.
He threw a few of my things into a bag, left my parents a note, and guided me out the door. The sun was so bright that it hurt my eyes and burned my skin. Justin lifted me into his truck. I didn’t have the strength to boost myself onto the seat. He stopped and got me something to eat. I drank one of those supersized cokes in about three seconds, so he got me another.
We still didn’t talk.
When we got to his house I felt like I was one of those people in the hospital that could hear what was going on, but wasn’t physically conscious. I heard voices and felt Pam hug me. I smelled the dryer sheet scent that I loved so much on Justin’s pillow, and then I was gone again—lost in a dreamless sleep where I would remain for two more days.
2
Justin
“If I didn’t have to get back to school, I’d drive to Harmon today and kick Ryan’s ass all over campus.”
My dad laughed. I glared at him. I meant it.
“I know how much you care for Annie, but girls are complicated. If you do something to Ryan, even after what he’s done to her, it would upset Annie, and possibly make her mad at you, which I know makes no sense, but that’s the way it is.”
“If you could have seen her, Dad... I thought she was...” I couldn’t finish the thought. “It scared the hell out of me. I thought I’d lost her.” The words caught in my throat. When I saw her lying there, lifeless, I never felt fear as powerful as that. If she were gone, I would be done.
“She’ll be okay,” Dad said. “She’ll just need some time, and for you to be there for her.” I did want to be there for her, maybe too much. I needed to get back to school, but wanted to stay with Annie; I’d be off the team if I did.
“I have to go. Coach won’t excuse me from another practice.”
“Be safe. Your mother and I will take care of Annie while you’re gone.”
I nodded. I knew they would.
The drive back to school didn’t feel long at all. I guess because I was so distracted, thinking about Annie. And plotting against Mullins. Asshole.
Alex was sitting on the couch with a girl on either side of him.
“Excuse me, ladies,” he said, got up and followed me to my room after I’d rushed past them.
“How’s Annie doin’?” he asked.
“She’s barely conscious.”
“Did she take something?” Alex asked, concerned.
“No. She’s just in shock, I guess. I’ve never seen anyone in that condition before.”
“I know what Mullins did was dirty as hell, but now that he’s out of the picture… maybe you and her?” Alex grinned, raising his eyebrows.
“I’m sure dating is the last thing on Annie’s mind. I’m not thinking about it, either. She needs tons of time to heal. Years probably. He broke something in her besides her heart.”
“It’s rough now, but I bet she’ll be over it faster than you think.” He winked. “Especially with your help.”
Making a move on Annie now would be the worst thing I could do. “Get rid of your company. We’ve got practice.”
Alex clapped his hands as he entered the living room. “Ladies, I apologize,” he said, pulling them one at a time off the couch. “I’ve got a roommate in crisis; so sadly, this ends your time on Alex Island for now. Feel free to visit again,” he said, before closing the door behind them.
I shook my head, thinking it was remarkable that girls found his egotism charming, instead of laughable.
3
Ryan
My mother released my trust the day after I married Katie. She’d arranged for us to go to Hawaii for a week, but neither of us wanted to go. Katie didn’t want to leave Jacob, and I didn’t want to deal with the pressure of being alone with her—pretending I was happy.
Instead, I wanted to start over, wipe every shred of Annie Reynolds from my life. The first thing I wanted was to redo my house. Annie had helped me choose everything during the renovations last summer, and I wanted it all out of my sight.
I didn’t love her, but I’d vowed to treat Katie well. To take care of her and Jacob. I thought decorating the house would keep her busy, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt I felt over using her to punish Annie. Even though I was sure Katie was using me a little, too.
Looking at her sometimes, I felt I could love her eventually. She was a fantastic mother, and as much as I hated to admit it, she was beautiful, and part of me had always been physically attracted to her. She’d been hurt so much by her parents that I wanted to make her feel safe. And letting on that being with her was never what I wanted would have only made our situation worse.
After I sobered up and really thought about what I’d done, I considered filing for an annulment. There was nothing in the agreement with my mother that said I had to marry Katie. Or be together with her. I had my trust. I’d fulfilled our agreement.
My dad said I could file even though we’d consummated our marriage, but I didn’t want Annie to think I regretted marrying Katie. Staying with Katie, appearing happy would hurt Annie, and that was my goal.
4
Annie
&n
bsp; Once I had fully come back around, I realized I’d lost two whole weeks of my life crying over Ryan, but I still didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay hidden from the world, safely snuggled in Justin’s arms. He’d been lying with me for hours. He was with me when I woke up this morning. I slid my fingers between his to let him know that I knew he was there.
“Thank you,” I mumbled. Justin tightened his hold on me. I took a deep breath and burrowed into his chest.
I hated Ryan for doing this to me. For hurting me after promising he wouldn’t. Hell, he’d promised me everything and snatched it all away, without any explanation. I wasted so much time believing him, believing in us. I should have known better. I had been warned not to trust him.
Although I needed to, I wasn’t ready to move on. I was still stunned by Ryan’s actions. Part of me wanted to know what happened, but knew that most of me wasn’t ready to hear it.
That afternoon, Justin left again, and returned a week later. I felt better then, almost normal. I didn’t know what my parents had prescribed me, but the drugs were definitely working. I felt like the only reason I was standing was because of what was in my prescription bottle. It was amazing that pills could tell my brain to make me function when I knew I wouldn’t otherwise.
My parents had also written me a medical excuse for not returning to school, which allowed me to finish my work at home. Since I would be exempt from my exams, I asked Justin if I could go back to Martin with him. It was only for a week, but I needed to get out of the house.
Pam packed a care package for me and made us both promise not to open it until we got to Martin. It contained stark white bedding, books, my favorite cookies, and a very sweet note that made me cry.
Justin offered me his room, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I stopped him from changing the bedding. As weird as it was, his scent on the sheets comforted me.
Breathe (Sway Part 2) Page 13