Freeman glanced at Katie, who sat staring out the window as though deep in thought.
Mary pointed to the newspaper and frowned. “In Ohio, a young Amish woman was hit by a car when she was crossing the street to get to a phone shed.” She pointed to another article. “Someone’s buggy in Pennsylvania was hit when a car failed to stop at a stop sign.” Her finger slid down the page. “Then in Illinois, a young boy was killed when he fell from the hayloft.” She shook her head slowly. “Guess one never knows when their time will be up.”
Freeman glanced at Katie. Her chin quivered, and her fingers were curled tightly into the palms of her hands. She was obviously distressed. Was it the things Mary had shared from The Budget, or was Katie upset about whatever had been said during her counseling session?
Usually Freeman headed straight to his shop after they dropped Katie off at her house, but today he thought he’d better stick around for a while and see if she would tell him what was bothering her.
***
As they headed down the road, Mary continued to comment on the accidents she’d read about in The Budget, and Katie felt like she could scream. By the time they got to her house, she was on the verge of a panic attack. She paid Mary for the ride, said goodbye to Freeman, and stepped out of the van.
“Wait up, Katie!” Freeman called as Katie hurried toward the stamp shop.
Katie halted and turned around. “I need to help my mamm.”
“I’d like to talk to you a few minutes, and I promise I won’t keep you long.” Freeman motioned to the pond beyond their barn. “Why don’t we take a walk out there so we can visit in private?”
Katie glanced at the parking area on the side of the stamp shop. She saw only one car and no buggies, so she figured Mom wasn’t that busy at the moment. “I guess I can take a few minutes to talk, but maybe we should sit on the porch so I can watch the stamp shop in case more customers show up and Mom gets real busy.”
Freeman nodded. “That’s fine with me.”
They stepped onto the porch. Katie took a seat on the swing, and Freeman leaned against the porch railing.
“What’d you want to talk to me about?” Katie asked.
“I noticed when you came out of the counselor’s office that you seemed upset.”
Katie’s face heated up, and perspiration beaded on her forehead.
“If you’d rather not talk about it, I’ll understand.”
“It’s all right. I might feel better if I do talk about it.” Katie sighed as she massaged the back of her neck. “Dr. Coleman got after me for not doing some of the things he’d suggested, and then he accused me of not wanting to get better. He also said I might need to try medication.”
“Are you going to?”
She shook her head. “I think I’ll try the homeopathic remedy my mamm bought at the health food store some time ago.”
“That’s a good idea. Remember, a remedy worked well for me.”
The swing squeaked as Katie pushed it back and forth with her feet.
“Were you upset only because of what Dr. Coleman said, or did something that Mary mentioned reading about in The Budget upset you?”
“I ... I don’t like hearing about people dying,” Katie mumbled.
“Death is part of life,” Freeman said.
“I know that, but I don’t have to like it.”
“That’s right—you don’t, but you shouldn’t get upset just because someone talks about dying.”
She nibbled on the inside of her cheek, wondering how much she should say. Freeman might not understand the way she felt about things. “Can we please change the subject? I really don’t want to talk about death.”
“How come?”
“I just don’t, that’s all.”
“You’re not afraid of death, are you, Katie?”
Tears clung to her lashes, and her throat felt so clogged she could barely swallow. “Jah. To be honest, I’m afraid of dying.”
“I think most everyone fears death a little, but that’s because the process of dying is something we haven’t experienced before. But if we know where we’re going, then—”
Katie shook her head vigorously. “I don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“I don’t know where I’m going.” She drew in a shaky breath. “If I died tomorrow, I don’t know if I’d go to heaven.”
“You’d go there if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and have invited Him into your heart.” Freeman took a seat on the porch swing beside her. “Didn’t you make that commitment and profession of faith when you joined the church?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. I just said what was expected of me, and I’ve never really understood it or felt as if I know God in a personal way.”
“Have you ever read John 11:25–26, about Jesus being the resurrection and the life?”
“I don’t know.”
“It says: ‘I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.’”
Katie shifted on the swing. She didn’t think she’d ever heard those verses before. If she had, she must not have been paying attention.
“In order to make it to heaven, we have to accept Christ as our Savior and believe that He died for our sins.” Freeman touched Katie’s arm. “Have you ever accepted Christ as your Savior and asked Him to forgive your sins?”
Katie shook her head.
“Would you like to do that now?”
She nodded, for she didn’t trust her voice.
“All you need to do is tell Jesus that you believe in Him and acknowledge that He’s the Son of God, who died for you.”
“I’d like to do that right now.” Katie bowed her head and silently prayed, Heavenly Father, I believe that Jesus is Your only begotten Son, and that He died on the cross for me. I believe that He rose from the dead to give me a new life. I confess my sins and ask You to wash them away. Amen.
When Katie opened her eyes, a gentle breeze caressed her face, and she drew in a deep breath. Her heart was raised to God in joyful adoration and thankfulness. She wanted to bask in this comfortable feeling forever. She was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude to Freeman for helping her finally see the truth. She wondered if her fear of death could have been the root cause of her panic attacks. She couldn’t help but think that God knew all about her anxiety attacks and that He would help her find a way to overcome them. It was the first time she’d felt any real sense of hope that she might get better.
She looked over at Freeman and smiled. “Danki for being my friend.”
He returned her smile. “You’re welcome.”
***
That afternoon while Katie was in the stamp shop organizing some colored pens and pencils they’d recently gotten in, she thought about the time she’d spent with Freeman on the porch and how, for the first time in her life, she no longer feared death. Her only concern was the panic attacks that plagued her. Maybe she needed to force herself to do things, like Dr. Coleman had said. She would keep doing her breathing exercises for relaxation, try out the tapping method Wayne had used for his phantom pains, write down her thoughts, and face her fears head-on. She knew it would take courage to drive the buggy by herself, but with God’s help, maybe she could.
“Ach, Katie, kumme ... schnell!” Mom hollered from the back room where she’d gone to cut some cardstock.
Katie raced into the room, wondering why Mom was telling her to come quickly. When she saw Mom’s hand covered with blood, her breath caught in her throat.
“What happened?”
Mom teetered unsteadily. “I cut my hand on the paper cutter, and it’s bleeding really bad.”
Fearful that Mom might pass out, Katie grabbed a clean towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around Mom’s hand. Then she pulled out a chair so Mom could sit down.
“I think it’s going to need stitches,” Mom said shakily. “You’d better get your
daed and tell him to call one of our drivers.”
Katie slowly shook her head. “Dad’s not in his shop right now. He went to Shipshe to pick up some supplies at the hardware store, and his helper went home already.”
“Oh, that’s right.” Mom’s face was as pale as a bedsheet, and blood had begun to seep through the towel wrapped around her hand.
“I’ll run down to the phone shed and call for help. Just sit right there and apply pressure to the wound.” Katie rushed out the door.
When she reached the phone shed a few minutes later, she was nearly out of breath. She dropped into the folding chair inside the shed, picked up the receiver, and was about to dial Mary Hertz’s number when she realized that the phone was dead. The wind storm they’d had the previous night must have knocked out the power.
Katie’s stomach churned, and her mind spun in circles. The only way she could get help for Mom was to go over to the Andersons’, their closest English neighbors. It was too far to walk, and she knew she couldn’t take the time to hitch a horse to the buggy, so she decided to ride her bike over there.
She left the phone shed and raced back to the stamp shop. Mom was slumped over the table, looking even paler and more shaken than she had before.
Katie grabbed another towel from the bathroom and wrapped it around Mom’s hand. “The phone’s dead, so I’m going to bike over to our neighbor’s and get help.”
Mom nodded. “Schnell, Katie. Schnell!”
CHAPTER 36
Katie yawned and rolled out of bed. Dark still covered the window, but she needed to get up. She’d gone to bed early last night, exhausted after the ordeal with Mom’s hand. Mom’s thumb had required several stitches, and she’d been given a tetanus shot, but there was no permanent damage, and Katie was grateful. She’d been so concerned about Mom that she hadn’t even been nervous when she’d ridden her bike to the Andersons’ place. Peggy Anderson had given Mom and Katie a ride to the hospital, and while Mom was getting her hand worked on, Katie had waited and prayed. The whole ordeal had made Katie realize all the more that she needed to practice doing the things she was afraid of, regardless of whether she had a panic attack or not.
Katie had set her alarm clock to go off at four, knowing her folks wouldn’t be up until six. She figured that should give her enough time to hitch her horse to the buggy and go out on the road for half an hour or so. There wouldn’t be much traffic, and she hoped that would help her not to be quite so nervous.
Katie padded across the room, pushed the curtain aside, and opened the window. Outside, everything was calm and still. Stars twinkled in the sky, crickets sang, and a gentle breeze caressed her face. God seemed very near. Surely He would see her through the coming days.
Filled with a sense of peace she hadn’t known in many months, Katie hurried to get dressed and slipped quietly from her room. She tiptoed down the stairs, being careful not to step on any that squeaked.
When she reached the first floor, she ducked into the kitchen and took one of the homeopathic tablets for calming. Then she grabbed a flashlight and opened the back door.
The sky was still dark, but the moon shone brightly, so she didn’t need the flashlight until she got to the buggy shed. Being careful not to make too much noise, she opened the door and pushed one of their smaller open buggies into the yard. Then she hurried into the barn to get Dixie, their gentlest mare.
By the time Katie had the horse hitched to the buggy, her hands had begun to shake. This was going to be a lot harder than she’d thought it would be.
“You need to face your fears,” Dr. Coleman had said during one of her counseling sessions. “Don’t avoid situations where you’ve had a panic attack before.”
Katie leaned against the buggy, closed her mouth, and inhaled slowly through her nose, pushing her stomach out like Dr. Coleman had instructed her to do. Then she opened her mouth and exhaled by pulling her stomach in. “I’m afraid, Lord,” she whispered. “Help me overcome these horrible panic attacks. My future looks dark and impossible, but I know You are with me.”
A verse of scripture she’d read before going to bed popped into her head. “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.”
My choice to trust God will help calm my feelings of fear, Katie told herself.
Two more verses came to mind: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”—Philippians 4:13; and “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid”—John 14:27.
A sense of calm stole into Katie’s heart again. It was the same peaceful feeling she’d had in her bedroom. Surely God wouldn’t forsake her. She needed to trust Him and keep asking for strength and courage.
Katie opened the flap on the driver’s side of the buggy so she’d have plenty of fresh air, climbed inside, and took up the reins.
There’s nothing to be afraid of. With God’s help I can do this. I’ll just go as far as I feel comfortable, she told herself. If I start to panic, I can turn around and come back home.
In Katie’s mind’s eye she pictured the Lord gathering her up in His strong arms. He loved her. He cared for her. He was here with her now.
Katie felt more confident as she guided Dixie down the driveway, but when she came to the road, her heart started to pound and her hands grew so sweaty she could barely hang on to the reins.
“Stop it! Stop it! Stop doing this to me!” she shouted.
Katie mentally shook herself. That was the wrong approach. What was it that Dr. Coleman had suggested she say and do? When she was frightened like this, it was hard to think.
Oh yes, now I remember. “Panic attack, you can’t control me anymore!” she shouted. “Go ahead and do your best!”
Katie’s horse whinnied and twitched her ears.
“It’s all right, Dixie, I’m not hollering at you.” Feeling a little more relaxed, Katie clucked gently to the horse and eased her onto the road.
They’d only got a short ways when Katie noticed a blinking light on the shoulder of the road to her right. She hadn’t expected to see anyone on this stretch of the road in the wee hours of the morning. As her buggy drew closer she realized it was their English paperboy delivering the morning newspaper on his bike. She’d only met the young man once, when he’d come to the house to collect the money he was due. Katie didn’t know his name but figured from his youthful appearance that he was probably in his late teens or early twenties.
“You’re out early. Where are ya headed?” he called to her.
“Just taking a ride.” She flicked the reins and got the horse moving faster. There was no time for idle chitchat. Especially not with someone she barely knew.
As Katie continued down the road, things went along fairly well. She felt more relaxed driving the buggy than she thought she would. Maybe there was some hope of her living a normal life without fear of panic attacks.
She relaxed against the seat, enjoying the cool, early morning breeze.
Ribet! Ribet! A chorus of frogs serenaded her.
When the sun peaked over the horizon, Katie decided it was time to head for home. Since things had gone so well, she thought she might take the buggy out early every morning this week.
She turned up their driveway, put the horse and buggy away, and entered the house just in time to see Dad step out of his and Mom’s room.
“I’m surprised to see you up and dressed already,” he said, passing her in the hall.
“I woke up earlier than usual this morning,” Katie replied. Did Dad suspect that she’d been outside? She hoped he wouldn’t question her further.
“Since you’re up already, would you mind putting the coffee on?” he asked. “Your mamm’s still getting dressed.”
“Sure.” Katie picked up the coffeepot and filled it with water from the sink.
“Guess I’ll head outside to do my chores,” Dad said.
“I’ll have breakfast ready when you get back,�
� Katie called as he went out the door. She breathed a sigh of relief.
***
As Katie headed for the stamp shop later that morning, she stopped in the garden, bent down, and plucked a leaf from one of their mint plants. She rubbed the leaf between her fingers, relishing the sharp aroma. She hadn’t noticed things like this in such a long time.
She turned, closed her eyes, and stood with her face lifted to the sun. It felt good to be alive.
A horse whinnied, and Katie opened her eyes just in time see Ella’s buggy come up the driveway, headed toward the stamp shop.
Katie hurried to the shop and stopped just outside the door to wait for Ella.
“How are things with you?” Ella asked. “Are you still seeing the counselor at the clinic once a week?”
Katie nodded and smiled. “Freeman’s been riding with me, and that’s helped me feel more confident about going.”
Ella’s brows puckered. “Are you in love with him?”
“’Course not. Why do you ask?”
“You got a dreamy-eyed look on your face as soon as you mentioned his name.”
“I did not.”
“Jah, you did.” Ella poked Katie’s arm. “Does he feel the same way about you?”
“He sees me as a friend, nothing more.”
“That’s good, because from what I’ve heard, Freeman’s been going out with Eunice, and after talking to her the other day, I realized that she’s convinced that she and Freeman are going steady.”
Katie shrugged, but her skin prickled. “What’s that got to do with me?”
“It could have everything to do with you if you’re in love with Freeman.”
“I’m not.”
Ella gave Katie’s arm a light tap. “You do like him, though, don’t you?”
“I like him as a friend.” Katie quickly opened the door to the stamp shop, needing to change the subject. “Let’s go inside so you can buy whatever you came here for.”
***
Freeman pulled out his set of tools to begin working on a bike, but he hadn’t been at it long before he found himself thinking about Katie. He was pleased that she’d accepted Christ as her Savior. It had to be a relief for her to know that her heart was right with God and that if she died, she would go to heaven.
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