Sweet Satisfaction

by Becca Dale

  A scowl darkened his handsome features. “Weren’t you the one who dragged Savannah to a wedding dress shop? I thought you wanted long term.”

  “I do…sort of.” The trip to the wedding store and Savannah’s subsequent relationship had reminded her why she needed to stick to her plan. Connor didn’t fit into it. “I want kids and I’d like to think a stable marriage is possible, but I’m also realistic. I want you in my life forever, but you’re not relationship material. Not for me anyway.”

  Confusion muddied his green eyes. “Meaning what?”

  “I’ve never had a friend like you, and I don’t want to mess us up. Guys change when they get a woman to fall for them. They say one thing until she gives in and another after the fact.”

  Gentle fingers traced her cheek. “Ah, Kate, baby. I’d never do that to you.”

  She pulled back. “You wouldn’t mean to.” Bubbles popped on her arm as she raised it in and out of the water, allowing the soap to slide toward her fingers. Anything to avoid his knowing gaze. “You think I’m silly for my list, but I set the criteria for a reason. Tall because tall people have an easier time in today’s world. I want that for my kids. If I’m shallow because of it, so be it. Fun because he’d be less likely to smack me around. And sexually adventurous because if he knows going in I’m willing to try stuff, he won’t leave the first time he’s bored.”

  He grabbed her ankles and tugged her forward, draping her legs over his. “So other than the height thing, which is simply dumb, I don’t see the problem with a relationship between us.”

  “I do.” She leaned forward, her head on his shoulder. “Can’t we please stay friends? I’m open to benefits if neither of us is seeing anyone else.”

  He stiffened.

  “Be my buddy, Con. Even my fuck buddy. But we can’t be more. If we try, we’ll end up hating one another.” Pulling from his arms, she slid to the far side of the tub. “I’d rather lose you now than watch that happen.”

  Connor stood in a rush, water sloshing over the sides. He grabbed a towel and stepped out to dry off. She stared in awe of his muscular form. Rock solid—a chiseled body to balance his soft heart. So much strength, he weakened her knees and her resolve. She couldn’t glance away from his chest, fascinated or maybe unwilling to witness hurt on his face. “Are we done talking?”

  “Among other things.” He jerked on his jeans and grabbed his wallet off the counter. “I’ll leave you some cash for a cab. Sleep here tonight and get your car in the morning. I have to go.”

  “What? Why?” She rose from the tub barely catching the towel he threw at her. “Connor, come on. Talk to me.”

  “I can’t. Not right now.” He slammed the bathroom door behind him.

  Kate bailed out of the tub and ran after him. “What is your problem? I’m giving you an out. You can come and go as you please. I won’t expect more.”

  He turned to glare at her, his hand on the doorknob. Already leaving.

  Desperate to avoid falling at his feet and begging him to stay, she stomped her foot. “You kidnapped me, Papa Bear. I didn’t ask you to do this. In fact, I told you I didn’t want it.”

  Wrapping the towel tight around her, she stormed closer, focused on her anger rather than the pain slashing her insides to bits. “This is what I was afraid of. It’s why I pushed you away for so long. I knew you would want more at first, but in the end, you won’t. A month, a year, even ten years down the road, you’ll walk away and never look back. Statistics prove it time after time. Hell, the parade of lovers through my mother’s bedroom has proven it.”

  “If you really think I’m capable of treating you like shit, then there’s no point in my staying, is there?”

  “Damn it, Con. Stop this. Drop me off at my car, and we’ll talk in a few days. After you’ve cooled down and can see reason.”

  “I can’t be near you right now, Kate, and I don’t want you driving home on the winding road in the dark, so stay here. But don’t call me. I’m done trying. Tonight was my last shot.”

  “Why can’t you be reasonable?”

  “Reasonable?” His jaw tightened, and if he were any other man, she’d expect him to take a swing at her. “I’ve been reasonable for three years. I hoped pushing you might get through the wall you’ve built between us, but apparently it backfired.”

  “I agreed we could be friends who sleep together. Why isn’t that enough?”

  He grabbed her and spun her against the wall. “I don’t want to be your fallback when Savannah’s out of town. Or the fuck buddy you use to take the edge off.” His fingers bit into her shoulders when he shook her. “Why is it so hard for you to see me as a man? One who wants to go with you when you get a crazy stunt in your head or hold you when you’re tired or make you laugh when you’re bitchy. I want to grow old with you beside me. Is that too much to ask?”

  “Yes!” She tried to shove him back, but he didn’t budge.

  “Why?”

  “Because I love you, Connor.” A smile warmed his expression, but she twisted from his hold and stormed away to stare into the dark backyard. “If I let myself, I’d become dependent on you. You say I only call you when I need something, and you’re right. Because otherwise, I’d campout on your doorstep and never leave.”

  “Am I supposed to protest?” He hugged her tight. “I love you, too, Katelyn.”

  She focused on the yard light to keep tears at bay and stepped from his arms. “Tonight proved how bad a relationship between us would be. The women in my family bow to power, it’s in our natures. You proved without a doubt I would lie down and be your personal doormat. I thought if I kept you out of my bed, maybe I stood a chance of controlling my weakness. But that hope is long gone, now.”

  “You don’t always have to be strong. You can lean on me whenever you need to. I wouldn’t take advantage of you.”

  Turning to face him, she hid her shaking hands behind her back. “I am sure you believe that, Connor. Which is why I can’t have a relationship with you. If I allowed myself to let go, you’d hold all the power, and I’d end up begging for scraps of affection…just like my mother does. Like my aunts and my grandmother. You say you wouldn’t use my nature against me, but I can’t risk it. I won’t be weak.”

  “Is that why you only date guys you can shove around…why you always act so tough? You’re looking for someone you can walk all over?” He sighed and sat on the edge of the coffee table, head bowed. “He might not leave, but you would, baby. You would hate it when he couldn’t give you what you crave. That’s why you haven’t found anyone to fit the criteria yet. You’re denying who you are…what you want…for the sake of easy.”

  She sat down and rested against him. “I can’t have a real relationship with someone like you, Con. I wish I could.”

  “Me, too.” He kissed the top of her head then tipped her chin up. “I refuse to hang around and watch you marry someone else. Don’t ask me to.”

  Her eyes burned with unshed tears, but she forced a smile, albeit a wobbly one. “So this is it?”

  He nodded. “Get some sleep, little cat.”

  His soft kiss tasted of regret. And then he left. The door closed quietly behind him. No fanfare, no warning shot…just silence.

  Chapter Six

  Kate wandered through Connor’s place, everything neat and tidy. The bookshelves held works by comedic authors, satirical or lighthearted collections nestled beside legal tomes. Funny but controlled. Just like the man himself.

  An antique mantel clock buzzed and clicked. Two a.m. Long past her usual bedtime and too early to go get her car. She entered his bedroom hesitantly. He had tucked the toys out of site, even the handcuffs and silken ties gone. The bed covers lay askew, rumpled and mussed from sex.

  Opening the closet, she claimed a white button-up as a night shirt. Connor wore nearly the same outfit to work daily. The suits and ties changed, but the impeccable shirts rarely varied in color or quality. She pulled the fabric around her, seeking his scent, but i
t smelled of cotton, fabric softener, and starch—nothing of the man.

  On the nightstand lay her cell phone, lipstick, and keys. Safe and secure. Waiting for her. Reminding her she’d dropped them in her friend’s pocket at the start of the dance so she wouldn’t have to carry a purse. Now, he was gone.

  Trying not to mope, she crawled into his bed and pulled the sheet up around her. There she could smell him. His intoxicating cologne clung to the bedding. Picking up a pillow, she pressed her face into its softness, torturing herself with things she could not have and should not want.

  Finally, unable to sleep or bear the silence a moment longer, she dialed her mother’s number. The connection noises rang hollow but hopeful. If her mother’s lover was home, she wouldn’t answer. The man beside her would rank higher than a desperate plea from a daughter in the night—the call would be silenced, blocking any intrusion that might disturb the comfort of the master beneath the sheets. But if no one shared the white iron bed, her mother would pick up on the fourth ring, no sooner and no later. Without caller ID, rings one through three guaranteed she didn’t seem too eager to please whomever happened to be on the other end of the line. More than four might be misconstrued as disinterest.

  A comforting click sounded with the fourth ring. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Katelyn? Darling, what’s wrong? You sound awful.”

  She had to laugh. Trust her mother to get right to the point. “Nothing much. I just wanted to talk. Did I disturb you?”

  “No, Master Jarvin’s out of town on business. He’ll be home by Wednesday. He promised me this would be the last trip for a while.”

  Once again her mother could not acknowledge her own discomfort or needs, only that the call did not disturb her Master. Kate sighed and dropped back onto the bed. “I hate it when you call Jarv Master. It’s degrading.”

  “Did you call for a particular reason, Kate, or simply to criticize my lifestyle?”

  Guilt assailed her. “Sorry. I’m tired.” She couldn’t really blame her mother for being weak when the same tendency, the desperate need to drop her problems in the lap of someone stronger, raged in her. She was simply better at controlling it, or had been until Papa Bear forced her to see reality.

  “It’s more than that. I can hear strain in your voice, darling.”

  God, she couldn’t hide from her mother, even with hundreds of miles and years of bitterness and resentment between them. “Will you answer a couple questions for me, Mom. Honestly.”

  “Of course.”

  “There’s no of course about it. Promise you’ll give me the truth.”

  Kate had been in second grade the first time she realized her mother lied to her regularly, but it wasn’t until middle school that she’d understood why. Shawna Hastings lived her life as a serial monogamist in a Master/slave household. Shifting from domineering lover to domineering lover as each cast her off for someone better, more or less malleable, younger, needier, or stronger, whatever suited their needs.

  More often than not, the dynamic of the lifestyle didn’t stay behind closed bedroom doors. Instead, it spilled into every aspect, crushing the frail woman to a helpless pile when she had no one to guide her, and giving her wings when she trusted a man to catch her if she fell. Kate had to give the latest credit. Jarvin had hung in there for almost eight years—far longer and more caring than the others he’d replaced.

  “I’m listening. Did you fall asleep, Kate?”

  “No. I’m here.”

  “What did you need to know?”

  How did she ask questions she wasn’t sure she wanted answers to? Hugging Connor’s pillow tighter, she drew a deep breath. “Do you regret the choices you’ve made?”

  Silence hung on the line then Kate heard a soft rustle, as if her mother settled deeper into the sheets or perhaps sat up against the headboard. “Not Master Jarvin…nor your father. He brought me joy.”

  Resentment rose to burn in her chest. “Until he walked out when you got pregnant.”

  “That was my fault. I knew he didn’t want kids. I screwed up.”

  “Thanks.” She’d known that harsh truth most of her life, but it still hurt to hear it.

  “Now you stop that right this minute, Katelyn Sibley Hastings. Never once have I regretted you. You are the best thing in my life. Always have been.”

  “But my father might have stayed if you hadn’t had me.”

  “Perhaps—for a while.” The clink of the water decanter by her mother’s bed preceded her sigh. “But then I wouldn’t have you, and I wouldn’t have met all the wonderful men who have blessed my life since.”

  “They all left, Mom.”

  “Except Master Jarvin, yes, but they all gave me something.”

  “Sure they did. There was Karl who gave you a black eye almost once a week, and Lloyd who broke your nose, and Nick who got high and tried to sell you to an encyclopedia salesman. Need I go on?”

  “No.” Steel laced the simple word. “I didn’t say they were all winners, but they were all good men in their own way. You don’t have a right to judge them or me, Kate.”

  “You’re right. It’s my place to shut up and turn a blind eye.”

  “Did you have another question or are we done?”

  She scrubbed her hands over her face and tried not to scream. “All right, I’m sorry. Again.” Rolling to her back, she stared at the ceiling. “Why’d you stay with them, Mom? Why put up with the abuse?”

  “Because I needed them. I’d like to claim I stayed by choice, but we’d both know I lied. Not all of them were abusive. In fact, most weren’t. Including Lloyd. The nose thing was an accident. I’m not like you, darling. You’re so brave and confident, so certain of everything. I’ve never been strong enough to stand alone. Even now, Master Jarvin has only been gone three days and the walls are closing in. I struggle to sleep at night without him to steady me. In fact, when you called, I’d been cleaning the bathroom so I didn’t have to go to bed alone.”

  “Mom, you won’t die without a man to tell you what to do all the time.”

  “No, but I don’t live without one either.”

  “But is that from years of dependency or personal choice? If you hadn’t started living this way, would you be better off now?”

  “I am who I am.” A sound too close to a muffled sob drifted over the phone. “I don’t know if I always made the right choices in my life. But I do know that it’s my life. You might not agree with everything I’ve done or everyone I’ve loved, but at least I have loved—deeply and passionately. You on the other hand, my darling girl, too often hide behind that tough veneer and push people away. You will never find someone to share your life if you never show anyone the real you. Master Jarvin said the same thing the other day.”

  “Better to be alone than shattered when it ends. I watched you hurt to the brink of suicide too many times to risk loving the wrong man, Mom. I can’t turn my body and soul over to some control freak and hope he handles it with respect. I need to know that I have some power in my life.”

  “So are you contemplating a relationship with someone who won’t stand up to you? Or for you? I don’t think a man like that’s any better, and frankly it sounds boring as hell. You’d walk out before the ink dried on the marriage license.”

  Connor had said basically the same thing. Kate laughed but there was no humor in the sound. “Why can’t I find a happy medium?”

  “What happened to that friend of yours? The nice guy…the lawyer? Why didn’t you ever hook up with him?”

  “Because he scares me half to death. Since the first day I met him, I’ve fought my attraction for him.”

  “Why fight it if you love him?”

  Because he’s Connor. She laughed again. “Because if I allowed myself to be in a relationship with him, I don’t think I’d survive when he walked away.”

  “Maybe he would stay.”

  He’s already gone. She’d lost her friend, and she wanted to curl up a
nd never leave his room. How much worse would it be if he left after she’d come to rely on him, after they had kids or a mortgage? “He wouldn’t, Mom. We both know that.”

  “I hate it that you won’t trust yourself.”

  “I know.”

  “Master Jarvin and I worry about you, Katelyn.”

  “I know that, too, Mom. Tell Jarv hi when he calls next and give him a hug from me when he gets home.”

  “All right. Take care of yourself.”

  “You too.” She started to hang up and then caught herself. “Hey, Mom…thanks for listening. Go to bed. I love you.”

  This time the soft sob was clear. “I love you, too, darling. Goodnight.”

  Wondering why the hell she had stayed, Kate continued to stare at the ceiling of Connor’s bedroom. Because he told you to.

  That was part of it. She admitted that much. A bigger part was she couldn’t bring herself to leave and didn’t want to worry him if he should return and find her gone. Her heart ached with a nearly unbearable pain. He had left and promised not to return. He’d left because she couldn’t give him what he needed even though he represented the only man she’d ever imagined loving forever.

  How the hell do I go on without him?

  Chapter Seven

  Kate’s head pounded. Lack of sleep and too many hours spent arguing with herself had taken a toll. Squinting against the bright sunlight, she handed the cabbie a twenty. The parking area lay empty except for her little red compact and a truck parked near the back entrance to the barn turned reception hall. The thought of seeing someone she knew sickened her. Had anyone watched Connor haul her to his car? Did they think she was drunk or had no one cared since at least fifty percent of the guests were related to him?