Stella Mia
Page 29
Aunt Donna glances at Daddy, surprise in her eyes.
“She found her mother’s diary. I decided it was time to tell her everything.”
“It was time! I’m forty-two years old! When were you going to tell me? At sixty? Why don’t you just say the truth, Daddy? You were never going to tell me.”
“Julia, we did what we thought was best. Paulie felt horrible not giving Sarina updates on you. That’s why he still wrote to her and sent her your photographs.”
“He felt horrible witholding updates from her, but he didn’t feel horrible keeping me from visiting her in the summers? I love how you both can justify your bad behavior.”
“Julia, baby! I just brought your father a case of Frangelico. Let me fix you a drink, and we can all relax a bit and talk about all of this calmly. What do you say?”
I hadn’t even noticed Uncle Dom was standing in the corridor outside Daddy’s office. No doubt he heard me chewing his wife out. Uncle Dom owns Russo’s Liquors and has three stores in Astoria. Daddy hasn’t had to pay for a bottle of sambuca since Aunt Donna met Uncle Dom.
“Thanks, Uncle Dom, but I’ll pass. Not everything can be solved with alcohol.”
Uncle Dom looks like he wants to say something, but he must notice from the look in my eyes that it’s wise he just back off.
“How about you, Kyle? Scotch?”
“Just because I’m half Scottish, Dom, doesn’t mean I drink Scotch.” Kyle sounds extremely annoyed—no doubt from seeing me so upset. I wouldn’t be surprised if he soon explodes.
“Boy, you guys are wound tight! Didn’t I tell you, Donna, that Julia and Kyle’s moving in with Paulie was a bad idea? Three is always a crowd.” Uncle Dom makes his way downstairs, probably to fix himself a drink.
“Julia, I’m so sorry. All I can ask is that you forgive me. I’m human. I made a mistake. Your mother, too. I know her leaving you was deplorable, and I’m not trying to excuse that, but she was young and in so much pain. If only you could have seen how depressed she was.” Daddy is wringing his hands and pacing back and forth.
Aunt Donna turns to me. “It’s true, Julia. There were days she didn’t get out of bed. I would have to stay and take care of you, especially during the day while your father was at work. Sarina wasn’t an evil woman, but she wasn’t equipped to be a mother—at least at that point in her life. When I heard about her childhood and how she ran away from that monster of a father, and then how she lived alone on the beach, making a living as a gypsy, I was amazed that poor girl had survived it all. It’s no wonder she almost had a nervous breakdown.”
“She wasn’t a gypsy,” I mutter.
“What?” Aunt Donna is looking at me as if I’ve lost all my marbles.
“She wasn’t a gypsy—not in the true sense of the word. I read her diary. She just read tarot cards until she could get other work. Not that there is anything wrong with being a gypsy, although Grandma and Grandpa thought otherwise.”
“Oh, Julia!” Aunt Donna places her arm around my shoulders. “Grandma and Grandpa were just worried about their golden child—Paulie—as always.”
“What is that crack supposed to mean?” Daddy glares at Aunt Donna.
“We’re speaking the truth here, aren’t we? It’s no secret you were Ma and Daddy’s favorite. That’s all I’m saying.”
Daddy lets it go. He’s probably too spent from my yelling at him to battle it out with Aunt Donna.
“Look, Julia. You’ll know how hard it is to be a parent when you have a child someday. I hope that you can not only forgive me, but your mother as well. It’s not good to let this bitterness fester inside of you.”
I really wish Daddy would just keep his mouth shut. He’s only making things worse.
“I can’t believe you want me to forgive the woman who left me! Okay. Fine. She was severely depressed, but she stayed away all these years. You can’t tell me she never got over her depression. I was three years old! Three years old! I needed my mother.”
“Yes, you did, Julia. But unfortunately, she wasn’t able to be a mother. She was practically a child, seventeen years old to be exact, when we married. And she was only eighteen when she had you. Granted, it was a different time then than it is now. People got married younger, but still. And she had left her family behind in another country. She was also in a desperate situation, as your aunt pointed out. When I met her, she was barely eating, living day to day on just a few liras.”
Kyle finally chimes in. “I don’t know what it is about the Italian culture that makes people think it’s best to keep the truth from their loved ones, especially when it’s something negative. It’s like you think we’re going to fall apart and can’t handle it. I’ve seen it with my own Italian relatives. They keep the truth from someone if they’re sick or even dying! How dysfunctional is that? And then you have the nerve to knock the Scottish, Paulie!”
“Stay out of family business, Kyle. I’m warning you.” Paulie narrows his gaze at Kyle.
“I am family, Paulie, remember?”
“You know, I haven’t liked your attitude toward me in a while.” Daddy walks over to Kyle.
“My attitude? Look what you’ve done to your daughter!” Kyle is pointing at me with his index finger.
“Enough! I can’t take this anymore!”
I run down the stairs and out of the house, ignoring my family’s cries. Walking briskly, I don’t relax until I’ve reached my destination—Astoria Park. When I was a teenager, I always loved to come here, especially when I wanted to be alone and think. I would either stroll along the ramp, watching the tugboats go across the East River, or sit on one of the park benches, waiting for the sun to set and the lights to come on in the skyscrapers on the Manhattan side of the river.
I walk all the way to the last bench along the ramp, letting my heart slow down, before I take a seat. Tears slowly slide down my face. I don’t even bother wiping them. For a while, I just let my mind empty of all thoughts—something I’ve learned to do in my regular yoga practice.
Taking a deep breath, I regret exploding at everyone back home. Of course, it was to be expected under the circumstances, but I’ve always prided myself on my composure. I was angry. I’m still angry. I shouldn’t regret letting Daddy know that. It’s just I remember the pain in his eyes as he talked about Sarina and the hurt she left in her wake . . . the pain in his eyes when I lashed out at him.
I still can’t believe he never told me he had been in touch with my mother for all those years. I can’t deny I’m a bit disappointed in Daddy. He was never the bad guy in my eyes. After all, he’s the parent who stuck around. I guess I had placed him on a pedestal, and he could do no wrong. While I realize he’s human, there’s still a part of me that wants him to always do the right thing by me and not make any mistakes. Of course, part of me understands that it must’ve been very hard for him to suddenly find himself a single parent of a little girl, and he had wanted to protect me. But I’m having a hard time getting past the fact that he never had the conversation with me even as an adult. Then again, I’m to blame also. I stopped asking about my mother a long time ago. I’m sure if I had asked once I reached adulthood, he would’ve told me everything. Naturally, I can’t stay mad at him forever. I love him too much for that. But if I can forgive him, can I ever forgive my mother?
I’m shaken from my thoughts when a woman sits at the opposite end of my bench. We make eye contact, and I smile. She looks familiar, but I’m not sure where I’ve seen her before.
Returning my gaze to the East River, I once again try to let my mind empty of everything. But I’m having a harder time doing so now. My thoughts drift to my mother’s diary and what my father told me earlier. I can’t help but wonder what happened to Sarina once she returned to Sicily, and why the secrecy? Why didn’t she tell Daddy what she’d been up to?
I sigh deeply. Well, at least now I can understand more her motives for leaving and not returning. I don’t blame her for going to Sicily to help her family.
And I know it wasn’t her fault she had postpartum depression. But why couldn’t she ever come visit me? Did her depression get the better of her? Or did she simply lose interest in a child she hadn’t seen in so long? I wince, feeling the pain of that possibility.
Perhaps I wasn’t so wrong all these years to focus on the family I do have and to live my life. While I was in denial about this hole I’ve tried to bury deeper and deeper in my heart, there’s a certain comfort in not digging up ugly truths and pretending everything is fine. But the times I did let myself think about my mother, the curiosity ate away at me. And now that I’ve opened up Pandora’s box by finding her diary and hearing my father’s revelations, the curiosity is absolutely driving me insane.
“Excuse me? I’m sorry to intrude on your thoughts, but I thought I’d introduce myself. I’ve seen you a couple of times on my street. My name is Penelope Anastasos.”
“Oh. You’re the woman who bought Signora Tesca’s house? I’m Julia Parlatone.”
“I see word gets around fast in the neighborhood. Yes, I bought the late Signora Tesca’s home. Parlatone. You must be Paulie’s daughter.”
“You know my father?” Although I know that Daddy is aware of who Penelope is in terms of owning the Olympus Café and buying Signora Tesca’s house, I didn’t realize they had actually met.
“Yes. He comes into my café a lot. I own the Olympus Café on Ditmars. Your father and I have actually struck up a friendship.” Penelope smiles.
I then remember what Kyle said to Daddy earlier—that he was thinking too much about Penelope. She is an attractive woman, probably in her late fifties or maybe even early sixties. Her hair is cut in a layered, angled bob and is jet-black with a few subtle cherry-red highlights. Her eyebrows are lush and perfectly arched. She uses just enough makeup to highlight her best features. She’s wearing white cropped pants with a dazzling yellow silk top. Large Jackie O–style sunglasses sit on top of her head. Amazingly, she seems to have positioned the sunglasses perfectly so that not a single strand of hair is out of place.
“That’s nice.” I don’t know what else to say, especially since now I’m wondering if Daddy has a crush on this woman. I then anticipate his heart’s being broken again and cringe at the thought.
“I’m sorry if I’m being forward, but I couldn’t help noticing that you seem to have a lot on your mind. I know we’ve just met, but I’ve always been told I’m a great listener and, more important, that I’m good at keeping a secret.”
There’s something gentle about Penelope’s demeanor and a kindness in her eyes that immediately puts me at ease. For a moment, I’m tempted to tell this stranger everything. But we’d be here all night, and I’m sure she has better things to do than listen to my drama.
“Thank you, Penelope. That’s very kind of you. But I’ll be fine.”
“All right. If you are sure you’re okay, I should probably head back and check on some things at the café. But you can find me at my café if you ever want to have a frappé and talk. It’ll be on the house. And you’ll give me an excuse to take a break. It was nice meeting you.” Penelope shakes my hand.
“Nice to meet you, too. And I love frappés, so I’ll have to take you up on your offer.” I smile.
“Good! I look forward to seeing you again.” Penelope waves and walks toward a parked BMW. I guess Daddy was right that her business is booming.
She waves one last time before she pulls away from the curb.
“Julia!”
Kyle approaches me, breathing heavily.
“How did you know I was here?”
“It’s no secret you love to come here when you’re feeling stressed. Besides, even if I didn’t find you here, I could use the serenity of the park to de-stress myself.”
Kyle sits down next to me on the bench, still trying to catch his breath.
“Did you run all the way here?”
“Yeah. I figured the exercise would lower my blood pressure.”
“I’m sorry, Kyle. I should have had that conversation with Daddy in private. I didn’t mean to drag you into the middle of it.”
“In private? The way you lost it and were screaming, I would’ve shown up anyway to see what was going on. And you don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m sorry about all the stuff your father told you about your mother. He and I had more words after you left.”
“Don’t be mad at him, Kyle.”
“Oh, so it’s okay for you to be mad at him, but not me? You’re my wife, Julia. I don’t like seeing you upset.”
“Well, thank you for being my staunch protector, but Daddy wasn’t completely in the wrong. I understand he was doing the best he could under difficult circumstances after my mom left. It’s my fault, too.”
“What? Am I hearing you correctly? How is it your fault? None of this crazy mess is your fault.”
I shake my head. “It is to some degree. I should’ve asked him about my mother again when I got older. Of course he wasn’t going to drop all this stuff on me when I used to ask him as a kid. But he would’ve probably told me if I had gone to him once I got older and could handle the truth—although the way I reacted today, I’m not so sure I handled it at all.”
Kyle puts his arm around my shoulder and bends his head so that he’s peering into my face. “Hey! Go easy on yourself. Look. It’s no one’s fault. Not your father’s or yours. I can’t believe I’m saying it’s not your father’s fault, but I know he loves you very much, and he did a great job with you. You’re an amazing woman. Though I still think he should have had this conversation with you a long time ago. But there’s no use beating that point to death now. So let’s move forward.”
“That’s just it, Kyle. How do I move forward after learning what I did? If anything, I have even more questions now.” I release a deep breath. “I wish I could go back to forgetting about her—or doing my best to—as I have been trying to do my whole life, but I can’t.”
“So finding her diary and hearing what your father said hasn’t given you any closure?”
“No. I want to confront her and hear from her why she never returned. I want to know what’s been going on in her life since she returned to Sicily, especially since she was so secretive about it with Daddy. This is going to sound crazy, Kyle, but I want to go to Sicily and find her.”
“It’s not crazy. I want to come with you.”
I place my hand on Kyle’s. “Thank you, but we both know you need to stay here and try to land a job.”
“Are you sure? That can wait.”
“I’m positive. Besides, I think I need to do this by myself. Also, I’m afraid if you don’t find a job soon and we continue living with Daddy, you and he will come to blows.”
“Don’t worry about us. I’ll apologize to Paulie for losing my temper with him when we get back home. And I promise I’ll make more of an effort not to get so easily riled by his comments and jokes. I know he’s just having fun with me. Lord knows he’s bored.”
“Have I ever told you, Kyle MacLean, how wonderful you are?”
“Yes, but I never tire of hearing it.” Kyle presses his forehead against mine and places a kiss on the tip of my nose.
“I’m going to ask Daddy if he can lend me the money for the trip to Sicily.”
“Really? What about your rule about never borrowing money from anyone, especially your father?”
“In light of everything that’s happened, I think we can both agree he owes me, and I’m just borrowing it. I’ll repay it once you’ve landed a job and we’re back on our feet.”
“All right. But I want to do something to help. I’m going to hire a private eye to find your mother. If we can get an address for her before you land in Sicily, that would be better—or else you’ll be searching for a needle in a haystack.”
“That sounds pricey.”
“We can swing it, but if you want to ask Paulie to lend you money for that, you can.” Kyle smirks.
“If you’d rather I do, I’ll—”
“Thank you.” I lean into Kyle and kiss him.
Kyle breaks the kiss and stands up. “Let’s head back. We have a lot to do before your trip. And your father was worried sick about you, so if we don’t return soon, I’m afraid he’ll have all of Astoria searching for you.”
“I’m sure.” I laugh.
We walk out of the park, our arms wrapped around each other’s backs, and I can’t help thinking how lucky I am to have Kyle. My spirits have lifted considerably. Though I’m nervous, I’m also excited about going to Sicily, especially after seeing it through Sarina’s eyes in her diary. Finally, after all these years, I’ll be reunited with her.
23
En Route to Sicily
I’m standing on the top deck of the ferry that transports passengers from Reggio Calabria—or Calabria, as most people call it, situated at the toe of Italy’s boot—to Messina, Sicily. It’s a picture-perfect day. The sun shimmers on the crystalline blue waters of the Strait of Messina. And the mountains complete the beautiful landscape before me. The closer I get to Sicily, the more my stomach flutters. But it’s not from the ferry’s motions. My stomach has been acting up since I took the plane from Rome to Calabria. While I was nervous the past couple of weeks as I got ready for my trip, I was too busy to dwell on it. When I told Daddy that I wanted to go to Sicily, he understood but he also expressed concern. He’s afraid I still might not find the closure I’m seeking, and he worries that there might be more pain waiting for me in Sicily once I confront my mother. Though he’s never believed in lending money, he didn’t blink an eye when I asked if I could borrow the funds to cover my airfare and hotel. In fact, he insisted I consider it a gift even though I tried to protest. He told me it was the least he could do after waiting so long to tell me more about my mother.
The private investigator that Kyle hired was able to locate my mother within a few days, which was a relief to me since I wanted to be able to go to Sicily while school is still out for the summer. It’s the second week in July, which gives me enough time to make this trip and then return home and get settled before going back to work. I decided to purchase a one-way ticket. This way if things don’t go well, I can leave at a moment’s notice.