Grade a Stupid
Page 41
This one acted like she couldn’t wait to get in.
After a short drive, I was removed from the automobile like a sack of trash then tossed into a dumpster. The kid sighed and said out loud, “I’m hungry.” Before getting back into her ride, she paused to glance up at the stars. I had a feeling someone up there didn’t like what they’d seen, but it was over and done with. I felt a pull in the center of my being, lifting me upwards, and knew my time was up. I now had to answer. I wish I had more time; I wish I’d changed my life sooner than yesterday; I wish, I wish, I wish...but there wasn’t much that could be done for anyone...but to accept what was to come next.
DARCYSPEAK
Fastard: a fastard, in Darcyspeak, are boys that move fast—they meet you one time, tell you they love you, then set up your next date only for you to find out the fastard had a steady on the sly. Substitute a “b” if you’re the cursing type and that should clear up everything.
Habaneros: a girl’s chest region.
Happies: a boy’s southern region.
Iniquity Engineer: those that lead you down the path to destruction. Unfortunately, if you open an encyclopedia on sin, my picture might be in the footnotes.
NCIP: no crap in particular. The way I refer to my day when nothing exciting happens. Hey, it happens to the best of us.
Shama lama, ding-dong: for all those naughty words I don’t know the meaning of, in the words of Otis Day, I assigned the term shama lama, ding-dong.
Voodoo cream: Puerto Rican cream I apply by the light of the crescent moon hoping to give me an ample bosom. Side effects are hot flashes and the occasional chest hair.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A special thank you to my husband, Dean, and my daughters, Zoe and Mackie, for your unending enthusiasm and nightly prayers that Darcy’s world finally comes to life. Thank you for smiling in spite of my mood swings; my parents, Gene and Dodie Miracle, and my sister, Jeri Conner, for a lifetime of love, loyalty, and those conversations where they tell you that anything is possible. Whatever I do, I always filter through the lessons you’ve taught me; my amazing beta readers—Joyce Stevens, Sandra Ruiter, Mary-Nancy Smith, and Mom & Dad—for following me from page one to the end and for catching anything that wasn’t clear. Your friendships, I cherish; überblogger, instant friend, and jack-of-all-trades, M-N, for keeping me motivated with your joy and always impeccable insight; my editor, Judy Beatty, for the constant encouragement, advice, and friendship when my moron side emerged; the ’68 Zombie Comics duo of Mark Kidwell and Jay Fotos for the kick-butt cover. I had no idea what I wanted until your inspiration, Mark; my sweet formatter Julie Titus for your patience, professionalism, and willingness to go one more time; Once Upon a Time Covers for designing the cover wrap; Natasha Boyd for the fictional county name of Mack County; Julie Cassar, Danielle Jester, and Jenn Logan for pulling me out of rabbit holes; Jessica Barnard for the medical advice; Dana Barnard, Debbie Brooks, Chris Cunningham, and Susan Trammel for proofreading; and to my girlfriends and Facebook friends who read a chapter here and there, I am forever indebted that you gave this stay-at-home mom the courage to take the jump.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
A. J. lives in Cincinnati with her husband, two feministic daughters, an ADD dog, a spoiled hamster, and an unapologetic and unrepentant addiction to Coca-Cola. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, watching too much cable TV, or cheering like a banshee at hometown sporting events.
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Table of Contents
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Epilogue
Note from the Author
The Ballad of Alfonso Juarez
Darcyspeak
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Table of Contents
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Epilogue
Note from the Author
The Ballad of Alfonso Juarez
Darcyspeak
Acknowledgments
About the Author