Sacrifice of the Pawn: Spin-Off of the Surrender Trilogy (Surrender Games Book 1)

by Lydia Michaels

  Adrenaline crashed and spiked high, shooting a sharp knife of shock through her system. Over?

  “What are you saying?” she rasped.

  He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. This was not how this conversation was meant to go. Couples disagreed, even those carrying on in secret.

  Arguments could be constructive at times, clear the air for better communication, but he was just giving up. They were supposed to have a fight, not throw everything away.

  Her chin trembled as she sat before him, her vision blurring with unshed tears. He was throwing her away. Her mouth opened, a plea resting on her tongue, but she snapped her lips shut, swallowing it back.

  She was turning into her mother. Just as Lucian couldn’t avoid mimicking their father, she was repeating her mother’s worst mistakes, and getting a taste of the pain her mother lived with every day of her miserable married life.

  A gaping hole stretched in her chest as if put there by unexpected cannon fire. This morning she woke up believing he’d always want her. Now … she didn’t know what to believe.

  Lowering her gaze to the table, she whispered, “I suppose it’s cruel no matter what.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you, Isadora—”

  “Then don’t.”

  “I’m doing this because I care about you.”

  Well, he certainly had a nasty way of showing it. He’d never been anything but delicate with her and to have him suddenly screaming that they were over was a pain she couldn’t quite process.

  “May I have a tissue, please?”

  He disappeared into the den and returned with a box. She pulled a couple of sheets out and mopped up her tears. He returned to the chair next to her and gently turned her face.

  The tissues left her hands and he took over blotting her cheeks, voice returning to its usual gentleness. “Don’t cry, bella. Please, don’t cry. Not because of me.”

  She sniffled and looked into his familiar eyes. The pain expanded, unfurling lengthy fears she couldn’t stomach.

  “I don’t know how to live without you, Sawyer. I need you in my life. We can’t be over.”

  “I’ll always be in your life, Isadora. But we can’t go on this way.”

  She sucked in an uneven breath as more tears fell. He acted like they were miserable when she knew they were happy. Why did they have to change anything? She couldn’t stop the desperate loop of questions running through her head, her only instinct to convince him this was a mistake.

  Her heart quaked with a sense of helplessness. Why? She didn’t want this. Her chest physically ached because he was literally breaking it into pieces.

  She pressed her hand to her heart in an attempt to ease the pressure. “This hurts.”

  His brow pinched and he pulled her onto his lap. “Come here.”

  His arms wrapped around her, holding her tightly. Safe. His arms had always been the safest place she could escape to when she needed a place to run.

  “This was never supposed to be permanent, bella.”

  That was a lie. It was never supposed to be serious. No one said it couldn’t last.

  Maybe if he stepped back he’d see what they had wasn’t so bad. What they shared worked. It made sense for the both of them. Why try to correct something that wasn’t broken? Or maybe he saw something she didn’t.

  “Did I do something wrong?” She could fix it.

  “No, sweetheart, no.” Easing back, he turned her chin so he could look into her eyes. “Do you know, you’re my closest friend in the whole world? I would trust you with my life, Isadora. This is going to be hard on both of us, but we cannot keep pretending what we have is any sort of substitute for what you truly deserve.

  “You’ve already sacrificed too much in your life. I never want you to make a sacrifice for me. It feels like your loss, but really, I’m the one losing. You are an incredible woman and you are going to find the right man, someone who can give you everything you want, even the things you don’t realize you will want over time.”

  She turned her face away. “We’re both losing.”

  “This is the only way you’ll ever move on. I never wanted to take advantage of you and if we continued like this, you’ll eventually give up every chance at a better future by default. I’m not worth it. Take my word on that.”

  She swallowed tightly, pain constricting her throat. “I think you are.”

  “Don’t compromise your happiness, bella. Not for me or anyone else.”

  She couldn’t believe this was happening. Every time she looked into his eyes she was assaulted by his resolve, his determination to stand his ground, and her heart shattered. She understood his reasoning, worse, she understood this was a way of expressing his love for her, but the pain was hers.

  Fearful of the next step, she leaned forward and cupped her hands to either side of his face, pressing her lips to his as she wept. He tensed and the ache in her chest grew.

  “Kiss me, Sawyer. You kiss me or I will never be able to put myself together again.”

  His arms closed around her as his shoulders relaxed and he slowly kissed her back.

  “I love you,” she confessed in a broken whisper against his lips. “You can take all of this away from me, but you can’t touch what I feel. You can’t change it. This is ours, but that is mine. Time and distance won’t diminish what I feel.”

  His arms tightened and his lips aggressively captured hers in a kiss that seemed misplaced in the midst of such a devastating conversation. His hands were possessive, his desire evident.

  There was a brief moment he tried to pull back but in the end, even he lacked the will. His inner battle was palpable and, as much as she wanted him to keep kissing and touching her, she couldn’t bear the thought of being something he fought to avoid.

  She was not a sin, a secret, or a vice. She was an innocent woman who had somehow been mislabeled as a source of her lover’s shame. The realization finished off the last of her heart, tearing the frayed threads into useless scraps.

  Forcing herself to pull back, she looked into his eyes, which were glassy and pink rimmed. Love . He loved her, but would never admit it. Her gaze broke away.

  She didn’t need the words, but she might never stop wanting them. The longer their relationship went on, the more excruciating his silence would become.

  What was the point of living if you were determined to quit the one thing that brought you joy? A long silence expanded between them, their different views announced with every quiet second until she was incapable of looking him in the eye. Too much pain hidden his. Too much resentment likely showing in hers.

  Accepting it was time for her to go, a strangled sound smothered in her throat. All she had to do was stand up and go, but she couldn’t find the strength.

  Her rattled dignity screamed at her to make some sort of dramatic exit, chin held high, maybe slam a door or two. Leave him before he could truly leave her.

  But she couldn’t move. Parting would truly mark the end of them.

  “I’m afraid to go,” she rasped.

  “We’ll still see each other on occasion. And you can call if you need anything. You know I’ll always be there for you, bella. If there’s ever an emergency or something you can’t do on your own…”

  She could do anything alone. Though having someone at her side made even the most unpleasant tasks tolerable, she didn’t need anyone but herself to survive.

  Exhausted and dreading the days that would follow, knowing she wouldn’t let herself reach out to him unless there was truly an emergency only he could fix, she knew she wouldn’t contact him. She could not bear seeing him if she couldn’t actually have him.

  It was time. Using her hands to sustain her balance, she stood on shaky legs, every inch of distance seeming to scrape another layer off her tender heart. “I have to go.”

  Collecting her things filled her with the strange anxiety of forgetting something. It was as if her soul knew she was leaving a piece of her behind, the p
iece of her heart Sawyer would always own.

  Once she had the few items she kept there—a book, her slippers—he walked her to the door. She looked up at him, noting the way his mouth curved down and his laugh lines extended his frown.

  He handed her the box of her belongings and she hugged them to her chest. Did she just leave now?

  He sighed. “Come here, sweetheart.”

  Her face pinched as she shoved the box aside and leaned into his arms. His lips resting on her temple. She needed this last embrace.

  One. Last. Time.

  He buried his face in her hair and squeezed her tight. His voice was soft as he whispered in her ear, “One day you’ll fall in love with the right man and you’ll know what I’m talking about. It will be so powerful, so epic, this will seem like a child’s sketch next to a Monet.”

  Everything inside of her argued that wasn’t true. She could only see herself with him or alone. No one could ever take his place.

  Their relationship, with all its faults, was right for them. Right for her. Until now.

  She didn’t say a word. Holding her composure by an unraveling thread, she slowly let him go. This was it, whether he realized that or not. She would not let herself contact him again and she doubted he’d call her.

  “Goodbye, Sawyer.” The thinnest shred of dignity guided her out the door.

  I’ll always love you…

  Chapter Twelve

  “A sacrifice not shed, is an invitation to pin, a weakness waiting to happen.”

  ~Christos Patras

  It took a solid week before Isadora could accept the truth. The Monday following the breakup was one of the most insufferable nights of her life, the inescapable proof that they were over forced her to confront how much she wished they were still together, despite her knowledge that she deserved a man who wanted her.

  No. Sawyer did want her, but he couldn’t come to terms with his desires.

  He pushed her away because he loved her enough to want something better for her future, something bigger than what he could offer. As much as that unspoken truth should have comforted her, it didn’t. He was a coward.

  Watching her mother grovel for her father, even after his countless affairs, had scarred Isadora. Her mother’s blatant lack of self-respect caused Isadora to vow long ago never to let a man humiliate her in such a way.

  Had her mother walked away when her father first discarded their marriage, vows, and affection, she might have found true happiness, someone who deserved her loyal heart. But she stayed, a thorn bird intent on bludgeoning its vulnerable heart in want of the impossible.

  Isadora could not— would not —give her heart to someone who didn’t want it. Yet, for all her pride, she couldn’t stop herself from loving Sawyer.

  In the weeks that followed she suffered a steady argument with herself, debating his logic against her inner desire to go back to him. But she couldn’t go back. She would not sacrifice her dignity for a man who refused to give his heart.

  It took every bit of self-possession not to call him or go to his house. Seducing him into bed wouldn’t be much of a challenge, but it also wasn’t a solution. The solution was finding someone willing to give her everything she deserved.

  She and Sawyer never lacked chemistry. But going back to him after being so resolutely pushed away would get them nowhere. He told her to go after the life she desired—and damn him for knowing her so well. But she also desired him and those feelings didn’t fade easily.

  Their definitions of happiness were drastically different and she believed that was due to timing. Had she been born earlier, caught him at a different stage of life, they could have made each other perfectly happy, had a family, gotten married. But there was no changing reality.

  She loved a man who refused to love her back, because he believed he couldn’t fulfill her needs.

  It was a wretched awareness and one she wished she could shut off. She certainly didn’t want to suffer anything close to this heartache again. Which made the probability of her finding someone else, trusting someone else with her heart, absolutely implausible.

  Love simply hurt too much. And if she fell in love again, the fall might very well kill her.

  He was her confidant, her adviser, her sounding board and closest friend. He listened to her, knew her inside and out. Without him, she had no one to unburden herself to and she had so much inside that needed to get out—pain that he created.

  Sawyer versus a family. Love and truth or familiarity and secrets? Affirmation versus silence. Resentment or affection? Black or white? Settle or fight? She was being torn in half and couldn’t focus on anything, because every option came with a drastic drawback.

  The simple task of packing Toni’s lunch overwhelmed her. She’d stopped going to her Italian class, because her mind was in such turmoil, warring against her heart, she could barely listen when anyone spoke.

  Even books couldn’t offer an escape, so she spent days wandering around the house, drifting from room to room, waiting for something to catch her interest, but nothing ever did.

  Holding a secret this size was a terrifying thing.

  She questioned her sanity, worried if their relationship was ever real. The longer she went without him, the more it seemed like just a dream.

  In a desperate attempt to hold her memory intact, she passed several days writing their story down. But recollecting the good times made her equally as sad as the bad times. It was all tainted, over, and foolish of her to hold onto a fantasy that would never amount to anything real.

  She locked their story in a file hidden deep in the documents of her laptop and made the impossible decision to never read it again. It was over and there was no promise of a happy ending.

  Depression was swallowing her more and more with every passing week and no matter how she tried not to let it win, she seemed no match for the despondency. Not only did she not like her situation, she despised her weakness.

  Getting over her broken heart was necessary. But she honestly didn’t know if she was strong enough.

  As she lay on the couch one evening, staring at the television, not registering what she watched, her phone rang. It was probably Toni wanting to get picked up which meant she had to start dinner soon. Maybe they’d just order takeout again.

  Guilt nudged the other ugly emotions aside, as shame corroded her thinking. Eventually, she’d have to get back to normal, but she couldn’t figure out how.

  Lost. She felt so lost and no one even cared that she was missing. The phone rang again and she sighed.

  I just want to be left alone in my misery. “Hello?”

  “Isa? Were you sleeping?”

  Wrong sibling. “No, just lying down.”

  As much as she wanted to escape the pain, every intrusion was an annoyance. She needed to wallow in peace. God, her thinking had turned into a landmine of hypocrisy.

  “Are you sick?” Lucian asked, voice concerned.

  “No. I’m fine.”

  “You don’t sound fine.”

  “Well, I am.” Talking could be so tedious. “Did you need something?”

  “Where’s Toni?”

  She frowned. He and Toni didn’t have much of a phone relationship. “Out. Why?”

  “Out where?”

  “I don’t know, Lucian, out with her friends from school.” Her tone came out more tart and impatient than she would have liked.

  Silence. “I’m sorry I bothered you. Tell Toni to call me when she gets home.”

  There was something strange in his voice and she didn’t like how paranoid his request made her feel. “Why do you need to talk to Toni?”

  “Do I need a reason to talk to my little sister?”

  “Lucian, quit playing games.”

  “Isa, what is wrong? And don’t tell me nothing.”

  She scoffed. “You just want to get information out of Toni.”

  “So what?” he snapped. “Something’s obviously going on with you. If you don’t want me
to talk to her about it then you talk to me. I can tell you’re in a mood.”

  “That’s right. Something’s going on with me , Lucian. Not with Toni. Not with you.” Why did men think they could fix everything? Like a penis was some sort of magic wand women lacked. “Just leave me alone.”

  “Why are you acting so bitchy?” he barked. “Are you mad at me?”

  Bitchy? He has some nerve!

  “Everything isn’t about you! I think I’m entitled to a bad day. You’ve had plenty! Just leave me the hell alone!”

  The line went dead, before she could retract her words. Staring down at the phone she caught her breath. She was being a bitch—and to the wrong man. “Oh my God.”

  She dialed him back and it went to voicemail so she dialed again. She never spoke to him like that— they didn’t speak to each other that way. At least not since he was a moody teen. God help her, she was acting like a child.

  Her behavior was out of control, unacceptable, and she couldn’t bear the thought of either of her siblings being upset with her. She dialed a third time.

  “What?”

  She flinched at his greeting. “I’m sorry.”

  Silence.

  “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m… I can’t talk about it.” She caught a tear at the corner of her eye. “But you can’t fix it anyway. No one can.”

  “Isa, you can talk to me about anything. We’re family.”

  We’re a family, remember?

  Her heart pinched, recalling his words from over a decade ago, hearing the plea of a little lamb now disguised in wolf’s clothing. He would always be her caring little brother, no matter how intimidating he pretended to be as a man.

  She wished she could confide in him. “Not about this, Lucian.” Perhaps that was what hurt most. Her eyes slowly leaked. “I’m sorry.”

  “What’s this ? Did something happen?”

  She was so exhausted, her ceaseless thoughts keeping her up all night. Lucian didn’t easily let things go, mostly because he took it upon himself to keep her and Toni safe. He was very protective of those he loved, but even he couldn’t fix a broken heart. “It’s about a guy…”