Heights of Desire

by Mara White

  It’s all he says to me. He takes my hand, I think it’s a gesture to comfort me but instead, he surprises me and grabs my ring finger. With remarkable agility, he wrestles off my wedding band and engagement ring. He smiles at me as he tosses them into the breast pocket of his white button-up shirt. Then he yanks me to his chest. My breath comes quickly again. I can’t kiss this man in my marital bedroom.

  “Let’s go dance, Kate. Don’t overthink it.” His proximity is overwhelming. I can smell his scent, an intoxicating mix of cigarettes and cologne that I’ve already come to hunger for. He doesn’t try to kiss me. I’m shocked at his audacity but something about removing my rings releases me and I relax into his arms.

  “Okay, let’s go.”

  CHAPTER 4

  I’m glad Jaylee forced me to change clothes after I see how dressy the people standing in line for the small, unassuming salsa club are. A Cuban band is playing and I gather from the accents of those around me that the crowd is mostly Cuban as well. Once inside the venue strikes me as not being a typical hang out place for someone like Jaylee. It seems like the crowd is serious about both dancing and music. Jaylee ushers me over to the bar and orders two rum and cokes without asking me what I’d like to drink. I haven’t had an awful drink like that since high school. These days I only touch wine or beer, except for my recent encounter with brandy from the pantry. Jaylee pays and turns to face me. His eye contact seers through me and I place my arm on the bar to steady myself. It’s still surreal to be interacting with him. I’ve never experienced a connection so intense with anyone before. When he looks at me I become completely his, all else falls away and is forgotten. We could be standing at the epicenter of the apocalypse and I would still be captivated and held by these golden eyes. I’m doubtful that Jaylee could possibly feel the same way despite what Sarah told me. My guess is that he’s motivated by curiosity – curiosity and lust. How else could I hold the interest of this beautiful and confident young man? Deep down I know that if we sleep together both his lust and curiosity will be satisfied and I’ll be turned away, still longing for the powerful connection that’s driving me.

  After a brief introduction the band starts up and the crowd begins to swarm the dance floor. Jaylee grabs my hand and leads me through the crowd until we’re up close to the musicians. He asks me if I dance Cuban or Puerto Rican Salsa. I’m taken aback and figure that I underestimated his seriousness.

  “I dance New Yorican style, I guess,” I mumble. “Whatever it is that you dance in the clubs on the Lower East Side.”

  Jaylee’s face breaks into his contagious smile. He tips his head back and laughs; it’s a raspy, delightful sound. “I’m just messing with you, Kate. Do whatever feels right. That’s how I play it.”

  His statement sounds loaded and he lets me know that it is with his intense gaze that follows. His hand finds the small of my back and he winds the fingers of his other hand into mine. His hips meet mine and I can feel every contour of his hard, chiseled body against me. The fact that we’re the exact same height excites me in a way I never expected. With Jaylee so close we touch evenly – hip to hip, chest to chest and most importantly, eye to eye. It makes me feel like we’re equals and it’s incredibly sexy. There are infinite points of contact between our two bodies and only a thin layer of clothing to separate us. Jaylee smiles and laughs at me. He pulls me even closer and begins to move against my body.

  The night flies by. The small bar in its entirety has transformed into a dance floor; all of the tables and chairs have been pushed aside to make more room. The heat and humidity coupled with syrupy drinks has gotten to me. I’m light headed and dizzy. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. My desire for Jaylee is overwhelming. I’m not used to dealing with such an urgent need. I feel especially threatened because the whole thing looms with an expiration date, unknown as of yet, but still very real to me.

  I tell Jaylee that I need to use the restroom and he accompanies me to the door and waits outside for me as he’s been doing all night. The gesture reminds me of clubbing with my girlfriends in college when we always went to the bathroom in pairs. I look into the mirror and study my sweaty face. My mascara has run, but my cheeks are red and my eyes look bright. I run cold water from the tap and cup it to my face and drink. New Jersey water tastes terrible. But it’s cold and it feels so good that I decide to wash my face. I grab a handful of the brown, scratchy paper towels and try to rub the transferred mascara from under my eyes.

  “Kate?”

  I turn and recognize an old friend, Claribel, washing her hands in another steel sink. She flaps the water drips off of her hands and kisses me on the cheek with a quick hug. I know Claribel from teaching together as adjuncts at the CUNY Graduate Center. She specializes in classical Italian Literature but she’s originally from Cuba. She’s always been a follower of the Cuban music scene in New Jersey. The last time we really hung out together was the summer before Pearl was born. We used to get coffee in between classes and sometimes catch dinner when Robert was stuck late at the office. We even went out salsa dancing together a few times since Robert refuses to dance and Claribel was single back in those days.

  “Kate, it’s been ages! You look amazing. How are Robert and the girls?” Claribel asks.

  It sounds so innocent the way she says it. She has no idea of the mess I’m in right now. I’d like to be able to keep it that way.

  “Claribel, it’s been so long! I must look crazy,” I tell her. “I’m here with a friend.” The words gush out of me and I sound drunk even to myself. Claribel isn’t an idiot. She raises one eyebrow and then laughs hugging me.

  “Are you drunk, Kate?” She asks.

  “I drank a lot. Rum.” I make a screwed up face at her. “I’m here with a kid named Jaylee. He’s really just a friend,” I yell over the music.

  I want it to sound convincing but it doesn’t and I can feel myself blushing.

  “Well, introduce me and you can meet my boyfriend Santiago. He’s in our field. I met him at the conference in Buenos Aires last year and we moved in together three months later.” Claribel updates me on her new teaching position and what she’s been working on over the last few years. She’s been publishing like crazy and it seems pretty much a guarantee that she’ll get tenure. I tell her about Ada and Pearl and Robert because I really don’t have anything to say about myself.

  Claribel looks surprised when I introduce her to Jaylee. I know what she’s thinking; in addition to being way too young for me, he’s really not my type. No one would look at us separately and ever imagine that we were here together. Magically, Jaylee works his charm and has her giggling seconds after their introductory kiss. Claribel’s boyfriend Santiago is gorgeous himself, in that scruffy Argentine way. He and Claribel appear to be madly in love with one another, and their joy is infectious. We hit the dance floor together and after a few songs Claribel suggests that we switch partners. I don’t want to let go of Jaylee, even for a second, let alone give him away to someone else. I force myself to accept graciously so that I don’t look like an overly possessive lunatic. We’re just here to dance, I have to remind myself.

  It amazes me how much it turns me on to see Jaylee with his hands on another woman. I’m so mesmerized watching Jaylee and Claribel that I can barely keep from stepping all over Santiago’s feet. When Claribel’s back is to me, Jaylee locks eyes with me and winks. I swoon and feel like I can’t stand another moment away from his embrace. I know that I’m supposed to be a grown woman and a mother and a wife, but I feel like a teenager and it’s beyond exhilarating.

  We part ways in the parking lot next to the salsa club. Claribel hugs me tight and makes me promise that I’ll call her. She shifts her feet and looks at the ground awkwardly.

  “It’s none of my business, Kate, whatever’s going on between you and Robert. I just wanted to tell you that I think you look really happy. And with Jaylee, I can see why. I mean, he’s great – I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”
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  I hug her tightly in response. I’m glad that she can see what I see in him, that I’m not alone in my wanton adoration.

  She kisses me briskly on both cheeks and squeezes my hand. Jaylee and Santiago are exchanging phone numbers when we catch up to them. I can’t imagine what they could possibly have in common or why they’d ever want to call each other.

  After we part ways with the couple Jaylee walks me to the passenger’s side of the car and turns me around to face him. In one swift movement he pushes me back against the car and presses his hips into mine. He’s so close I can smell the alcohol on his breath and I brace myself for his kiss. But Jaylee doesn’t kiss me. Instead he nuzzles his face into my neck and sighs.

  “Kate?” Jaylee asks. “Do you want me?”

  Oh God, Jaylee. Do I want you? Do you really have to ask? Want doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about you. Of course I want you. It’s so much more complicated than that.

  “What I mean is, do you want to be with me?” Jaylee asks again after my silence.

  Does he mean sex? Is he talking about being his girlfriend? I want all of those things. Is he talking about forever? Because that’s what I’m thinking.

  “Yes, I want you!” I exclaim. “I want you so badly it’s killing me. It’s ruining my life.”

  Jaylee smiles, satisfied with my answer, presumably ignoring the part where I said he’s ruining my life. His face becomes docile and playful and he pushes his rock-solid erection into my thigh. He reaches around to cup my buttocks and slips his hand easily under the elastic waistband of my skirt. He probes tentatively between my legs and then gently slips two fingers inside me. I gasp audibly in both shock and raw pleasure.

  “I’ll wait for you, Kate, but I’m not gonna wait forever. I’d love you if you were mine,” he murmurs into my ear.

  Make love to me or love me?

  I cannot believe that he has his fingers inside of me and that he still hasn’t kissed me. This might be the strangest sexual encounter I’ve ever had in my life. He releases me as quickly as he grabbed me, smacks my ass playfully and opens the car door for me.

  Jaylee drives me home in complete silence except for the loud music vibrating the stereo. He makes a few phone calls and speaks quickly and quietly in Spanish. Back in the Heights, he parks at the top of my street away from the house and comes around to open the car door for me. He seems distracted and impatient. I figure it means he’s done with me. He mutters something about having to get the car back to his ‘boy’. I’m relieved to hear that it’s not his car. The decals and Dominican flag seat covers along with the air freshener trees had me doubting both myself and my sanity. Despite the fact the car is borrowed, I can’t fool myself into thinking that Jaylee’s car, if he had one, wouldn’t have the same aesthetic.

  Jaylee kisses me platonically on the cheek.

  “Bye, Kate.”

  “Bye, Jaylee. Thanks,” I reply. I can’t bring myself to ask if he’ll call me or when we’ll see each other next. I can’t even manage to tell him what a great time I had tonight. I turn to go but Jaylee grabs my hand and pulls me around to face him again.

  “Do me a favor, would you?”

  “What?” Anything. I’ll do it. Ask me.

  “Don’t fuck him,” he says. It sounds more like a threat than a favor asked. He grabs my chin with his thumb and forefinger. He presses the pad of his thumb into the middle of my bottom lip and trails his forefinger down the centerline of my body, passing over my neck, between my breasts and over my belly. He stops his finger just below my navel and then looks up at me, his golden eyes burning. A shudder of pleasure and anticipation runs down my spine.

  “All this that you feel. . . it’s for me. Don’t give it to him. Save it for me. That’s all.”

  He gets back into the car, guns the motor and screeches away. As his taillights disappear around the corner I realize my engagement ring and wedding band are still in the front pocket of his shirt.

  The porch light has been left on and I see a note taped to the glass on the inner door. It’s from Robert.

  Kate,

  Hope you had fun dancing. Stephani was asleep so I didn’t want to wake her – that plus I didn’t have any cash!

  Yours, Robert

  A sweet and sinking tenderness towards my husband floods my body. It’s true that Robert never carries cash but I suspect the real reason he left Stephani sleeping is his extreme sense of decency. He probably thought it was inappropriate for a grown man to wake a young girl. I guess Robert wins the moral high ground here; I just let a young man finger me in a parking lot in New Jersey.

  I shake Stephani’s shoulder gently and she groans a few times and swats me away. She eventually rolls over and opens her eyes.

  “Oh hey, Mrs. Champion, she says, rubbing her face.

  She tells me that the girls were well behaved and that they went to bed on time. They spent the evening playing dress up in Pearl’s closet. I cringe thinking about where the inspiration for their game came from.

  “Did you have fun with Jaylee?” Stephani asks.

  “I did,” I reply.

  I’m trying hard not to show how elated I feel. What I’d really like to do is grab her by the shoulders and make her tell me every last little thing that she knows about him. I shake it off and pull out two hundred dollar bills from my wallet and hand them to her. This is me buying your silence, Stephani. This is me buying access to information. I really am sick.

  “Thanks,” I say.

  “It’s so weird that you hang out with Jaylee,” she says ignoring the amount I’ve given her. “I’ve known him, like, forever and I didn’t even know he could dance.”

  “He’s a phenomenal dancer,” I say. I’m not giving anything away. I walk her to the door and usher her out of the house.

  Robert is in bed breathing evenly. He looks sweet and innocent to me. Maybe I see innocence because he allowed me to go out dancing with another man. He trusts me. If the tables were turned would I feel okay about him going out with another woman? Would I be upset if he touched another woman sexually? The thought brings me right back to my moment with Jaylee and with it the intense arousal. My body feels like its radiating heat and electricity as I strip down to nothing but my heels. I wake Robert up by kissing him; I shove my tongue deep into his mouth. Robert responds eagerly and I take from him the kiss I longed for from Jaylee. Robert pulls me onto the king sized bed and rolls me under him. He spreads my legs with his knee and when he kisses me I kiss him back so fiercely that he pushes me away.

  “Kate, what the fuck?”

  I shut him up with another kiss and wrap my legs around him driving the heel of my stiletto into his butt cheek. I don’t pretend that Robert is Jaylee. I don’t even think about Jaylee until after we’re sated and Robert has fallen back to sleep. Only then do I remember Jaylee’s request and when I close my eyes to sleep all I can see are his golden eyes staring back at me.

  CHAPTER 5

  In the morning Robert makes breakfast for me and the girls. He’s a good cook when he actually sets foot in the kitchen. Our Sundays together are really the only family time we have. Robert is buoyant and kisses us after every pancake he delivers to our plates. Today, we’re going upstate to a garden party that one of Robert’s colleagues is hosting at their new country house. There’s supposed to be a large outdoor pool, and Ada and Pearl are thrilled at the prospect of spending the day swimming. The two of them are pool rats and can easily pass an entire afternoon diving, splashing, and doing handstands. Robert leaves to get the Range Rover out of the garage and I help the girls pack up their backpacks with everything they’ll need for the afternoon. I decide to try on some dresses before I have to make a public appearance in front of Robert’s co-workers. Most of the people at his firm are both rich and beautiful, either from plastic surgery or countless hours of effort. I have a hard time relaxing at these social functions because they never feel genuine. Instead of people getting together because they enjoy each other�
��s company, these social calls are like an obligatory dog and pony show. The few other mothers will want to compare schools, lessons, and other strategies to obtain perfection. Everyone stands around sizing each other up and figuring out how to win the particular game of life that they’re playing. I’m well associated with these types of gatherings not only from my life with Robert, but also from my parents’ participation in the same elite circuit. I’ve got a lifetime of semi-formal, work-related social gatherings under my belt. My personal strategy for coping, ever since the age of fifteen, has been to get wildly drunk and agree with absolutely everything anyone says, no matter how banal or controversial. I stand around, smile, and nod. I’m like a trophy wife with a traumatic brain injury. Except I’ll be the first to admit I’m not much of a trophy. My breasts are real and so is the fat gathered in my hips and ass. I can’t be fake even when I try, hence the agreeing – it holds me back from actually voicing all of the inappropriate thoughts I’m usually thinking.

  The drive is surprisingly traffic-free, and we stop once for the bathroom and once to pick up fresh berries from a local fruit stand. The girls are happy to be out of the city and Robert keeps his hand on my thigh for the entire drive. He’s now looked over at me a total of three times, his eyes searching mine, trying to identify what it is about me that’s changed. I couldn’t explain it to him even if I wanted to. I try to imagine what it would be like to go to a social function with Jaylee. Would he bring me to a house party or would it be a family gathering of some type? Would I feel the need to get intoxicated just to tolerate the company? I have a feeling that it would be equally as awkward but the company could possibly be less loathsome.

  The girls take seats at a craft table set up for the children and Robert parades me around for the necessary introductions. The grounds are beautiful with white and antique blue hydrangea in full bloom. The entire place is stunning. I’ve met almost everyone here at some function or another. I chose a particularly fitted, cobalt blue dress for the occasion today with oversized sunglasses and an easy chignon. I’m going for both sexy and completely unrecognizable. I’d be happy just to sit at the bar and hide behind my sunglasses the whole time. My face easily shows the indulgence in mixed drinks last night, but it’s my feet that are a constant reminder. I’m wearing flat sandals to relieve the protest my arches are staging after dancing all night in stilettos. Other areas of my body are also over-stimulated and I can’t stop my mind from replaying what it felt like to be wrapped in Jaylee’s arms.