Heights of Desire

by Mara White

  I haven’t yet the fearlessness to think about love when it comes to Jaylee. It seems like such an implausibility that even to consider it is a waste of time. Can I be in love with two different people at the same time? Can I love both Robert and Jaylee, and, if so, can I sustain it? Gazing into my little half-moon cut and catching my expression in the mirror tells me that I’m dangerously close to losing myself. I look possessed, like a woman with a mission. For the last decade or so the eyes looking back at me have always read complacent. These days I don’t even know what I’m capable of. I take out my phone to text Jaylee then think better of it and shove it back in my purse. I reluctantly rejoin Robert and his colleagues at the table and slam the glass of champagne that’s been left at my place setting. Robert raises an eyebrow at me. He doesn’t want a repeat of the pool party and neither do I – I could give a fuck. I reach for Robert’s glass and drink that too. I busy myself with mindless conversation with someone’s overly processed wife. She tells me that my skin looks radiant and wants to know what my secret is. She tells me that she saw my backless dress in the window at Tom Ford on Madison Avenue, that she could never pull it off, that she has back fat, that she purchased her dress at Bergdorf, that her miniature Maltipoo has a hernia and he’s undergoing acupuncture.

  I can’t stand another minute of it. Is this what my life is like? How did I ever tolerate any of it? I flag down the waiter and get another glass of expensive champagne. Ridiculously expensive champagne is so fitting at a charity dinner to end hunger. I want to run away. Robert places a hand on the back of my neck to cool my temper. He knows me so well; he always intuits my feelings, sometimes before I’m cognizant of them myself. He rescues me from the chattering woman and leads me away to the window and the spectacular view.

  “How are the girls doing?” he asks.

  “Huh? What do you mean, in general?”

  “I figured you must be texting the sitter – you spent so long in the bathroom.”

  “I was going to, but I didn’t. Do you think I should?”

  “As long as I can see what he writes back to you,” Robert says.

  My jaw goes slack. What the hell is he getting at?

  “Is there something going on between you two?”

  “What? I can’t . . .” What I really can’t do is lie anymore. It’s too late, tears are already streaming down my face.

  Robert puts his arm gently around my shoulders and guides me away from the tables over to a quiet hallway by the entrance. It’s not fair to him that I’m crying, but I can’t stop myself. I wipe away the tears and mascara with the back of my hand.

  “How did you find out?” I ask him trying to hold my voice steady.

  “Jesus, Kate. The way that boy looks at you. Any fool can tell that he’s in love with you. He practically eats you alive with his eyes.”

  To hear Robert say that Jaylee is in love with me makes my heart do an involuntary flutter.

  “What I’m more interested in is how you feel about him. You’re not planning on pursuing this, are you? You’re not leading the poor kid on?”

  It doesn’t even occur to Robert that I could be in love with Jaylee too. He definitely doesn’t think I’m already fucking him. Robert probably sees Jaylee as a school kid with crush on his teacher. The babysitter thinks the kid’s mom is hot. Suddenly, Robert seems uppity to me.

  “Can we not talk about this?” I ask annoyed.

  “Kate, that’s not fair. I asked you a valid question. You think watching that exchange wasn’t hard for me? I don’t like the way you respond to him. I need to know how you feel and get a clear sense of whether or not I have to intervene.”

  “Intervene? Listen, Jaylee is my friend, he’s a confidant. I don’t have that many friends, Robert. He’s important to me. I want him to have a place in my life right now. I need it.”

  “You need the attention?” Robert asks.

  “I don’t know. I can’t answer that.” I feel deflated. Somehow Robert manages to make my relationship with Jaylee feel pathetic, meaningless.

  “Don’t lead the kid on though, Kate. He’s dying for some reciprocity. We should probably rethink having him babysit. I can’t stand to watch him pine for you.”

  My mood is making violent swings. I go from wanting to protect and cradle Robert to feeling angry that he can’t even imagine having any competition. He must not think much of Jaylee if the threat barely registers. I’m married to an extremely confident man.

  “He’s good with the girls, and they’re really crazy about him.” For some stupid reason I want Robert to know that Jaylee is a good person.

  “No, I can see that. It made me feel like I’m not around enough, like they need more dad time.” Robert pulls me to him and kisses my hair. He rubs my exposed back, which quivers under his familiar touch.

  “I’ve got something for you, honey. I wasn’t sure if I should give it to you tonight, but it feels like the right time.”

  Robert hands me a black velvet box with Fred Leighton embossed across the top. Lately he’s been indulging me with extravagant gifts. It’s as if he wants to make up for his absence. I’m not really sure how I feel about it. My parents always did the exact same thing. It felt like they were trying to buy my love.

  I open up the box and find an ultra fine platinum chain set with miniature diamonds all the way around. It’s beautiful. My eyes tear up because Robert’s love for me feels so honest and innocent. I’m ashamed of my selfish behavior. He clasps the necklace behind my neck and shivers rise and fall down my spine. He kisses the back of my neck.

  “I love you, Kate.”

  “I love you too.”

  I embrace Robert and bury my face in his lapel.

  “Can we get out of here, away from these people? I just mean leave here, not go home yet.” I love Robert’s gift, but I’m uncomfortable that he gave it to me at a charity event. How many people could we feed with this necklace? Twisted themes are springing up all over the place tonight.

  “I’ll take you wherever you want to go, minding we’re home by midnight to relieve your boyfriend.”

  He says it with a smile but my anger resurfaces. I don’t want to have the connection I feel with Jaylee belittled. It’s almost enough to make me want to come clean and admit what has happened. It’s almost enough, but not quite.

  Robert takes me to a cozy bar in the Village, a place we used to frequent before the girls were born. We sit in the back garden, which is really a dingy patio with strung-up Christmas lights and order a bottle of wine. I’m already tipsy but I’m so happy to have Robert’s undivided attention that the wine is a welcome excuse to stay out. Robert asks me about my research, which I’ve now renamed ‘Kate’s desperate attempt to stay relevant’ in my head. I’ve all but given up on any intellectual endeavors since I met Jaylee. Instead, my physical side has been taking priority.

  Robert brings me up to date on various cases at work. He’s making an effort to help connect me to his professional life, but I lost interest years ago. When he’s at work, he’s a lawyer. He only becomes my husband when he comes home. I know he’s worked extremely hard to get where he is. I also know he’s one of the best at what he does. It still doesn’t mean that I can’t resent it all for taking him away from me. Robert spends more time freeing guilty criminals than he does living life with us. He puts his hand on my thigh and moves it up higher as he leans in to kiss my neck. I can tell that he’s more attracted to me tonight than usual and I can’t tell how much of it’s the dress or if it’s due to the fact that I’ve become an object of desire to another man.

  Robert takes the West Side Highway on the way home and I open up my window and let my hair down. I’m not sure how I got away with making him back down about Jaylee but he hasn’t brought it up again since we left the dinner. The credit, I think, is due to his own ego. I’m not sure if I can stand the shame of leading a double life. I hope that both of them can play their roles tonight without making any kind of a scene. It was a bad idea to pre
tend Jaylee could babysit. The heavy feeling in my gut warns me that no good things will come of this relationship. For the first time in a long time, my future is full of unknowns.

  Robert goes into the house first and Jaylee pops up from the couch. Ada is curled up beside him asleep on the sofa, her pillow and bear in her arms.

  “Pearl fell right asleep, but I heard Ada crying. She said she was scared so I let her come down and sleep on the couch.”

  Jaylee looks nervous, or maybe annoyed. He has his hands in his pockets and glances over his shoulders toward the door. Robert scoops up Ada and heads upstairs with her.

  Jaylee and I are alone in the hallway. He looks at me and his eyes burn right through me. He glances at my neck and my hand automatically grasps the necklace Robert gave me tonight.

  “Nice,” he says.

  Our eyes meet and I can sense the fire catching all over my body. I feel both guilt and pain for allowing him to sit here all night while I was out with Robert. I can’t imagine how I’d handle it if the tables were turned. Jaylee’s eyes are filled with desire and rage so overpowering that I have to look away before I lose my composure. When I look up he’s making long strides to the door. I feel a hand on my shoulder and Robert pushes past me after Jaylee. I try to grab Robert’s arm but I’m drunk and he’s beyond reasoning with me. I wonder how much of our silent exchange Robert witnessed. How long was he watching Jaylee looking at me? Could he see the reflection of my face in the mirror? Could he feel the current that passes between us? I’m horrified at the thought of causing my husband such pain.

  I don’t want them to hurt each other. I’m sure Robert will just hand Jaylee some harsh words. ‘Intervene,’ as he put it at dinner. Who knows how Jaylee will react? What can he say? Robert is my husband and Jaylee willingly agreed to come over tonight. I don’t even want to think about it. I drop my purse to the floor and step out of my heels. I pull the dress off my shoulders and step out of it too, laying it across the banister. I make my way up the stairs in my slip and new diamonds. Everything is silent. In the bathroom I turn the shower on cold and force myself under the stream. Tonight Robert gave me diamonds and Jaylee gave me a cut on my hand. Now the two of them are off arguing over me and I’m a coward who’s not worth either of their bravado. I need to sober up. I want to face whatever is happening. There’s nowhere for me to hide.

  Robert appears in the bathroom just as I’m stepping out of the shower. He looks completely unscathed - he’s not even visibly shaken.

  “What just happened?” I blurt out.

  “Nothing. I paid your boyfriend,” Robert says.

  “For babysitting?” I ask, my voice near the breaking point.

  “That and to stay the fuck away from you.”

  Robert has never been one to swear. He’s too polished, too calculating. He’s done with the discussion. He gives me a warning look and moves past me to turn the shower back on. I climb into bed and hide my face in the pillow.

  Did Jaylee actually accept the money? I can’t imagine he would. How could any amount of money keep Jaylee away from me? You can’t buy what Jaylee and I have. I fight back tears and the instinct to slip out of bed and call him.

  Robert comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. I pretend to be asleep. I can feel the anger radiating off him. I have absolutely no fear as I know Robert would never touch me with anger and even more, I know that his anger isn’t directed at me.

  “Katie!” he whispers.

  Robert only calls me Katie when he’s emotional or needy. It’s sweet and immediately my heart opens towards him. I roll onto my back and look at him.

  “Do you still love me?” he asks.

  I sit up and pull him into my arms. I rock him and press my mouth against his. I want to kiss him like Jaylee kisses me. I want to pour myself into him so that he feels it in every remote corner of his being. I want Robert to surrender to me, to know what it feels like to become a vessel to a frighteningly boundless amount of passion. I make love to Robert and it consumes me. I forget that my golden-eyed lover exists. I am the condemned now absolved. My love for Robert burns deep within me like a beacon as I navigate his body with a newfound devotion.

  When I open my eyes the next morning my only thought is ‘Jaylee.’

  CHAPTER 10

  Another week passes without any contact between us. Robert has finally resumed his sweetness after two days of silence. He is again an attentive and doting husband and father, when he’s around, which isn’t often. I’ve been trying not to let myself think about Jaylee because when I do the emotion is raw and primal and I don’t know how to process it. It’s hard not knowing what he’s going through, not being able to discuss what happened that night. I loved Robert before I met Jaylee and I still love him today. I don’t have to play the game where I tell myself that Robert is better for me; I know he is. But I’m unable to disregard the powerful connection and attraction that happens with Jaylee. It means so much to me and I don’t have the strength to deny myself of it.

  Before Jaylee, I was always under the impression that people cheated on their spouses because they were seeking something outside of the marriage that was missing. I’m not sure if anything was lacking in my marriage to Robert. I wasn’t looking; Jaylee just happened. Now I fear that I will never again experience the heights of desire that I feel when I’m with him and I’m mourning it before it’s even gone.

  Sarah answers the phone on the first ring.

  “Great, What’s going on? Inquiring minds need more frequent updates on your love saga.”

  I burst into tears when I hear her voice.

  “Oh God! What’s wrong? I’m busting your balls, Great. Is everything okay?”

  I fill her in on all the details including Robert’s payoff and how I haven’t heard from Jaylee in weeks.

  “Touché. He really fucking paid him? That’s ballsy, even for Bobby. And the kid, he just bailed? Hard to believe. I thought he was lovesick?”

  “I’m the one that’s lovesick, Sarah. I feel like my life is over. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can barely hold it together for the girls. Robert is just now speaking to me again and Jaylee won’t return my texts or answer my calls. I think everyone hates me. And it’s not even unreasonable. I’m loathsome.”

  “What are you going to do? Maybe you’ll have to find another lover – head back to the poaching grounds?”

  “It’s not that. I’m not just looking for sex. I just want Jaylee, nobody can replace him.”

  “But maybe it would make him jealous, maybe make him come running back?”

  “Okay. I’ll think about it. No, I won’t. I can’t. I’ve got to go. Stephani is coming over. I’ve got a long overdue date with the research library. Claribel and I have been talking about collaborating on something. Hopefully it’ll help me to get my mind off of him. I’ll call you soon.”

  “Love you, Great! Don’t expect too much from a twenty-two year old kid. He’s still got a lot to learn.”

  I love that Sarah is so completely on my side. That she comforts me about the loss I feel over my lover instead of lecturing me about what’s best for me. It’s rare to encounter that type of devotion and unconditional love in a friend. I know I’d do the same for her. We were inseparable as children and we’ve never grown apart despite the distance between us.

  Stephani arrives wearing a fringed crop top and some denim short shorts. Hopefully her fashion sense doesn’t rub off on the girls. I step into my office to grab my laptop and notes and when I come back to the kitchen the girls are outside on the swing-set and Stephani is filling glasses with lemonade.

  “Steph, I’ll be back around midnight after the library closes. Robert might make it home before me.”

  “Okay, do you want me to text you if he does?”

  “No. I mean, you can if you want.”

  “Oh, okay. I thought maybe . . . never mind. I’ll text you.”

  What is she talking about? Does she think I’m not really goi
ng to the library? She thinks I’m meeting Jaylee. Stephani is trying to be a helpful accomplice in my affair.

  “Stephani, for what it’s worth, I’m really going to the library to write. I know what you’re thinking. I haven’t spoken to Jaylee in a long time. We’re not speaking.”

  “Because of the money?”

  How does she know everything? Since when did my life become public information? I’m frustrated and Stephani looks embarrassed. She bites her lower lip and looks down at her feet.

  I collapse into a chair at the kitchen table and put my things on the chair beside me.

  “Okay, tell me what you know.”

  Stephani’s eyes take on a spark and she sits down across from me smiling.

  “Mrs. Champion, - Kate, everyone knows about the money! It’s big news. It’s crazy”

  “Who’s everyone?”

  “Well, a lot of people saw the night when Mr. Champion followed Jaylee up to Broadway and they had it out on the corner. Even people that didn’t see the fight wanted to know who hit Jaylee, so the news just traveled that way.”

  “Robert hit Jaylee?”

  I’m astonished. I’m also beginning to realize that I’m the only one who’s in the dark about what transpired.

  “Yeah, he hit him. He punched him in the face because he was threatening him saying ‘if you ever try to touch my wife’ and then Jaylee cut him off and just said ‘too late,’ all calm like that and Robert punched him in the face. Hard.”

  “I can’t believe he hit him. I don’t think he’s ever been in a fight.”

  “Well, he did. Made him bleed and everything. And Jaylee wouldn’t punch him back. That’s totally not like him. Not to fight, I mean. So everybody knows that he was, like, holding back because of you.”