Heights of Desire

by Mara White

  “And do you expect me to just accept that?”

  “No,” I say.

  “You do realize that this is destroying our family, right? I can’t continue to put up with this,” Robert says.

  “Okay.”

  “What the hell is with you, Kate? I feel like I’m talking to a child. Do you understand that there will be serious repercussions for your actions?”

  “I feel like I’m listening to a lawyer.”

  “Get used to it,” Robert says menacingly and pours himself another drink. He slams it back and returns the glass to the table with a smack.

  “How can you do this to us? He’s a fucking punk thug. You have a brilliant mind. Is it just the sex? What can you possibly be getting out of it?”

  I shrug my shoulders.

  “Katie, please enlighten me here, you’re willing to screw up Pearl and Ada’s lives for some dick – is that what it is?”

  “You’ve never cheated?” I snap back at him. I’m not sure where I’m going with this but to me it feels like the sex is the lightest of sins between Jaylee and I.

  Robert takes way too long to respond. Now I’ve taken the argument in an unexpected direction. I guess we all lie to ourselves to survive, just to be able to get along. The funny thing is that I don’t even have to ask. I already know the who and the when. I never allowed myself to examine it before because I didn’t want to know. She was an intern at the firm when I was pregnant with Pearl. I remember feeling something was off when Robert introduced me to her. I should feel something, but I don’t care. Robert isn’t blameless.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t get something out of it too,” I yell. “You’re cheating on the old me with the new me!”

  “What the hell are you talking about? Have you completely lost your mind?”

  “You’ve never been more attracted to me. EVER. You didn’t even want me anymore until he did!”

  “He doesn’t want you, Kate. He wants your money. How can you be so ridiculously naive? He’s a criminal for Christ’s sakes! I had Charlie do a run on him. He’s an uneducated, worthless drug dealer!”

  “I’m in love with him!” I scream it at such a fever pitch that I scare even myself. It escaped from somewhere inside me, a revelation to Robert and the rest of the world, but most importantly to myself. I’m in love with Jaylee.

  Robert is unaffected. He looks at me with nothing but contempt.

  “Oh, I’m sure you are, Kate. True love. Was it his deep sense of humanity that got you? Ruining other people’s lives by selling drugs to them? Or what? His worldview? Tell me, because I’d really love to know.”

  “Shut up!” I’m crying but my tears are hot and loaded with rage. It’s too easy for Robert to belittle him. I’m not going to argue and try to defend Jaylee. Of course it’s physical, but it’s hugely emotional too. Love is blind, Robert. Haven’t you ever heard that one before? Not everyone is perfect. Not everyone is privileged.

  “You’re playing poor. Nice ethnography, Kate. New field of study? You never could stick to just one thing.”

  Robert picks up the tumbler of whiskey and hurls it at the floor. He brings his hands to his head and lets forth a low and guttural growl.

  “I don’t know whether to fight for you or kick you out. What do you want me to do? What do you want from me?” Robert shudders as he speaks.

  “I want you to be patient with me. Give me a chance to figure it out.”

  “God, Katie!” Robert is again exasperated. “What’s there to figure out? Charlie’s report says he’s twenty-two years old. Twenty- two. Born in 1990. He’s closer in age to Pearl than he is to you. You graduated college before the kid was even born! What’s there to figure out? Where’s it going to go?”

  “It would serve you better to tell me why I should stay with you and not how old Jaylee is. I know how old he is, Robert!”

  “You need me to tell you why you should stay?”

  “Yes, “ I say.

  “One simple reason. Any judge would throw custody at me. You’ve committed adultery with a known criminal with an active record. I’m not willing to share you and you can bet that I most sure as hell will not share my daughters with that piece of shit!” Robert wipes his hands on his pants as if the thought of Jaylee has soiled him. “I’m going to bed. I’d advise you to sleep in the guest room.”

  He grabs the bottle and goes to the pantry to put it back. I hear him rummaging for the broom to clean up the broken glass. It’s so like Robert to think to clean up the mess even in the middle of the worst fight we’ve ever had.

  I strip down naked while he’s in the pantry. He comes out with the broom and dustpan and does a double take when he sees me.

  “What are you doing?” he asks.

  “Attempting to seduce you,” I say. “Take me to bed with you. Prove it to me that you don’t like it.”

  “You just told me that you’re in love with someone else and now you expect me to have sex with you?”

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  Robert pulls me into his arms. I can feel him trembling. He tilts my chin up to him and I wrap my arms around his neck. His body relaxes but I can tell his mind is running. He exhales loudly and looks up at the ceiling blinking back tears.

  “I can’t do this, Kate. I won’t.” he says.

  Robert kicked me out. I’ve got no place to go. Can I stay with you?

  Prick! Yeah stay wit me. Flash pick U up in 10.

  Robert asks me to leave. I beg him to let me stay so as to not upset the girls. He’s not willing to compromise. He says I can come back and see them in the morning – that we can talk then. I guess I took it too far offering myself to him like I did. I think he was convinced that if I stayed he would sleep with me and he’s afraid to face what it means if he does. I think about calling Claribel but feel too humiliated. I could call Carmen but I know she’d be on Robert’s side. I can’t take her disapproval. I can’t call my parents or my sister without them flipping out completely. That leaves only one option. I don’t know if I’ll hold the same appeal to Jaylee when I’m no longer forbidden fruit. Will our chemistry cease when we have to deal with the reality of being together? Did Jaylee ever wonder what it would be like to wake up next to me? Hopefully he’s prepared to find out.

  I change into a skirt and blouse and throw an extra pair of underwear and a toothbrush in my bag. I slip into the girl’s rooms and give them each a silent kiss. Pearl’s hair is spread out over her pillow, curly in the late summer humidity. I kiss her cheek again and touch her face.

  “Perla, I’m going to sleep at Jaylee’s house tonight. Tell Ada not to worry, I’ll be back tomorrow.” She nods and talks a bit in her sleep, but doesn’t wake up.

  I wait by the front door peeking out onto the street. Maybe Flash got his nickname from showing up to pick people up on a moment’s notice. He pulls up in front of the house in yet another mystery car.

  Oscar reaches across the seat to open the door for me and when the dome light goes on I can see that Janinie is in the backseat. He greets me with a quick kiss on the cheek and Janinie barely looks up from her texting to offer me a halfhearted ‘hey.’

  “Jaylee’s not coming?” I ask. I thought the night couldn’t get any worse. It just did. Oscar shakes his head no and then glances at me apologetically.

  “Why not?”

  Oscar’s eyes meet Janinie’s eyes in the rearview mirror. They are silently debating how much they should tell me.

  “He’s got business to take care of. He’ll be home later,” Oscar says.

  “So I’m supposed to go to his house alone? I think I’d just rather get a hotel. Can you take me downtown, Oscar?”

  Janinie and Oscar’s eyes meet again.

  “You’re supposed to go home with Janinie. He told me not to let you get a room. He said you’d want to. He wants you to wait for him at his place,” Oscar says.

  As if this weren’t already the worst fucking night of my life. Now I’m being bossed around by teenage
rs.

  “What are you, Flash, his personal assistant? How are you going to ‘not let me get a room’? I’m an adult, I’ll get a room if I want to.”

  I twist around to see what Janinie thinks. She’s still texting in the glowing light of her phone. She’s now got ear buds in to compete with the music Oscar is playing in the car.

  “Janinie!” I yell.

  She pulls the earbuds out and snaps her gum, blinking her eyes at me.

  “What?”

  “What should I do? I don’t know what to do.” I say. I’m asking her out of desperation. “I feel strange going to your house without your brother there.”

  “How the fuck should I know?” she counters. “Do whatever the fuck you want – you always do anyways.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I remind myself that she’s still a child so that I won’t rip the stupid cell phone out of her hands and chuck it out the window. I definitely don’t want to go home with Janinie. What I had interpreted as mild disapproval from her before has apparently grown into full hostility.

  “I don’t really got a choice here, Kate,” Oscar says. “Jaylee made it pretty clear that you should go to his house with Janinie.”

  “La señora no quiere regresar conmigo, Flash. Qué va hacer?” Janinie says, making sure the señora bites.

  “Neenay, callate la maldita boca y trata de ayudarme, carajo!” Oscar pleads.

  Why am I sitting in a shitty car in front of my house fighting with two teenagers while my beautiful family sleeps inside? I want to go back inside and pour myself a glass of wine and curl up in front of the television. Have I taken things so far that it’s no longer a possibility for me? I don’t want to go to Jaylee’s house; I don’t want to worry about his safety or my own for that matter. I’m tired; I want to sleep and pretend that none of this is really happening. This is so pathetic. I am so fucking pathetic.

  Both Janinie and I scream out when a fist comes out of nowhere through the darkness and hits the windshield. My heart quickly calms when I recognize the golden eyes peering in at us. It’s Jaylee. I lower the car window relieved that he’s joining us. He’s drunker than he was when I left him and looks like he might be high as well. He sticks his head in the window and grabs the back of my neck, pulling my mouth towards him. I can only hope that Robert isn’t looking out the window.

  “I’m out but I wanted to make sure you were okay first,” he slurs.

  “I’m fine,” I say. “I think I’d feel better getting a room. Any way I can talk you into coming with me?”

  “Fuck a room! I want you at my house so I know you’re safe. After today everybody know we together. I want you there when I come home. Me entiende’?”

  “Can you please tell me what’s going on? Are you in some sort of trouble?” I ask.

  “Oscar, get them home,” Jaylee says banging a fist on the roof of the car. He strides away as quickly as he appeared.

  Oscar parks the car on Jaylee’s block and comes around to the open the door for me. Janinie climbs out of the back seat and slams the car door.

  “She ain’t the fucking queen, Oscar,” Janinie mutters under her breath, loud enough for me to hear. I’m not looking forward to spending the night with her. I obviously sensed the tension right from the beginning, from both Janinie and Jaylee’s mom, but I didn’t think it was this severe. Maybe our relationship is causing problems at home. We never talk about his family life, we’ve never really discussed the obvious fact that his sister and mother dislike me, that only Gladys is on my side.

  Oscar insists on walking us to the door and he and Janinie mumble back and forth. I wander behind them just out of earshot. At one point Janinie even bats Oscar away with her hand. He takes the abuse stoically and looks at her with affection. I sense a familiar pang of longing from him and I silently wish him luck. Janinie won’t be an easy conquest for him. Not only that but falling in love with your insanely jealous best friend’s baby sister isn’t the smartest move. But I’m in no position to judge.

  Watching the two of them interact makes me feel like an intruder on their teen date. I’m not even entirely sure how I ended up here. Of course I’m aware that it was my choosing to get involved with a twenty-two year old but it’s not all that clear to me how I ended up so immersed in his world. I’ve spent the entire day surrounded by adolescents and it’s reminded me that those are years to which I have no desire to ever return. I survived them once and I don’t want to relive them again in my forties.

  “Hey guys, I think I’ll just grab a cab from here and go to a hotel,” I say doing my best to sound nonchalant.

  Oscar puts up a huge protest and ushers me in the door and up the stairs while Janinie follows behind encouraging him to let me go. He takes the stairs backwards holding both Janinie and I by the wrists. It becomes obvious at the door to the apartment that Oscar isn’t leaving until he sees both of us inside. Janinie reluctantly pulls the house key out from between her breasts. She wears it on a necklace that’s long enough for her to be able to unlock the door without removing it.

  “There. Happy? Ya estamo’,” Janinie says.

  She holds her hands on her hips and when Oscar leans in to kiss her goodnight she slams the door in his face. I open my mouth to reprimand her and snap it shut when she glares at me.

  “Listen, Janinie. I like being here tonight even less than you like having me. As soon as we’re sure Oscar is gone, I’ll just head to a hotel.”

  “Good luck with that. Oscar is staying out front to keep watch out for Jaylee.”

  I’m always the last one to figure out what’s going on and I’m always left out of the plans.

  “What is he watching out for?” I ask.

  Janinie shrugs her shoulders at me and goes into the kitchen. I follow right behind her.

  “What the fuck is going on? What kind of trouble is Jaylee in? Should I call the police?”

  “Are you for real?” Janinie says brandishing me with one of her repugnant frowns.

  “I have a right to know what’s going on,” I say.

  “Um yeah, whatever, Kate. I think the police are the last people Jaylee wants us to call.”

  This can only mean that Jaylee is involved in something illegal that is also dangerous enough for him to think he needs to guard his family. I thought tonight’s humiliation would take me down but now the fear that something terrible will happen to Jaylee threatens to undo me.

  “I told him I’d give him money if he needed it,” I say more to myself than to Janinie. I can’t stay here and let him risk his life for money that I could easily give him. Maybe it’s not money he’s after but some sort of obligation he has to fulfill. Panic rises in my throat when I think of him kissing me goodbye at the car. He wasn’t capable of walking a straight line let alone making decisions that would affect his personal safety. I grab one of Jaylee’s beers out of the fridge and collapse my body into a chair at the kitchen table. Janinie gets out a bottle of Malta India and sits directly across from me.

  “I don’t know what he’s doing tonight. I really don’t. Not that I would tell you if I did, but he’s done stuff like this a million times before. He always comes back fine.”

  These are the kindest words Janinie has spoken to me – probably ever. I reach across the table and give her hand a light squeeze. My mind is racing too quickly to reply and I know a barrage of tears will escape if I try to speak. My instinct is to call Robert if I can’t call the police. I think he’d come pick me up if I asked, despite the fight we’ve had. He might hate me right now but he doesn’t want me to be in danger. I force myself to fight the inclination. This is the last thing he needs to hear about; I’ve given him enough bad news for one night.

  Janinie is still looking at me. She favors Jaylee when she puts on a compassionate face. She has the same long, thick lashes. Her eyes are slightly darker than his, a warm caramel color and they lift up playfully at the corners just like his do.

  “I know you don’t like me, Janinie. You
probably want me out of your brother’s life, and maybe that will come sooner than you think. I never set out to hurt anyone – not your family and least of all, Jaylee,” I say.

  I know I don’t owe her an explanation but it feels good to get it off my chest. My eyes fill with tears. Janinie’s eyes flash anger at me, the kindness is all used up. It doesn’t matter if it’s a real or perceived injustice I’ve committed against her, it makes me feel like a failure. I’ve failed my own family and now, apparently, I’ve failed hers too.

  “I don’t like it cause it ain’t fair that’s all. You don’t even love him like he do you. And he should have a family, his own kids. You already got all that and now you gonna steal his chance for it too,” she says.

  “Neenay,” I say, picking up Oscar’s nickname for her, “I love Jaylee, I understand. I want him to have those things too. That’s why I won’t leave my family for him.”

  “That’s what you say, but it’s too late for all that. He’s never gonna get over you leaving him. You screwed him both ways – if you stay or if you go.”

  “That doesn’t leave me many options,” I say.

  “I hope you go. That way maybe his heart will get broken but at least he’ll get a chance at having a normal relationship,” she says.

  Well, at least she’s not tiptoeing around my feelings. All I can think to counter is that she doesn’t really know her brother all that well if she thinks he’s looking for a ‘normal’ relationship.

  Janinie dumps her unfinished malta into the sink and puts the empty bottle on the kitchen counter.

  “I’m going to sleep. Jaylee’s blankets are in the trunk in the living room. My Ma and Grandma get up early.”

  Jaylee’s blankets and sheets are folded neatly in the trunk and I find some boxers and a t-shirt as well. I imagine that it’s either Gladys or Janet who makes up his bed as it’s hard to picture Jaylee getting such tight corners on a fold. The clothing, the blankets and even the couch smell like him. I drown myself in his scent and wrap my arms around the pillow. I already miss having Robert’s body next to mine and the proximity of my daughters. I miss the comfort that the sound of their breathing brings and how it lulls me to sleep. I would hope that if Jaylee loves me like Janinie says he does, that he would come home to comfort me on what’s turning out to be the loneliest night of my life. I watch the hours roll by until I hear the soft cooing of mourning doves on the fire escape. It’s just about dawn when the waiting exhausts me and I surrender into a somber sleep.