The Pregnant Intern

by Carol Marinelli

  'I'll be fine,' she said, trying to force a smile.

  'What time are you being discharged?'

  Alice forced her mind to concentrate 'Eleven a.m. Look, we can get a taxi. I know you'll be busy...'

  But Jeremy was having none of it. 'I'll be here by eleven.' He leant over to give her a soft kiss goodnight but at the last moment she turned her face so his lips only grazed her cheek. 'I love you Alice,' he said almost pleadingly.

  But Alice couldn't answer, and as he reluctantly left she gave way to the tears that had been threatening all day. How could he love her like this? How could anyone love her when her own mother didn't even want to know? Glancing over at the crib, she watched Maisy sleeping on, oblivious to her mother's tears. She couldn't provide her own child with a father, couldn't finish her internship. Alice looked over at the bottle of formula in the jug on her locker. She couldn't even provide her own baby with breast milk.

  'Only me.'

  'Linda!' Alice blew her nose noisily on a handkerchief.

  'I know it's after hours but the sister said you were still awake.'

  'You just missed Jeremy,' Alice said quickly, searching for something to say to her surprise visitor. 'He had to rush back to do an urgent lap choly.'

  Linda's forehead furrowed. 'Really? First I've heard about it.' Seeing the look of confusion flicker over Alice's face, she gave her a quick smile. 'But then what would I know?'

  'But you're on call, aren't you?'

  Linda shook her head. 'Not tonight—at least I certainly hope not,' she tried to joke, then, catching site of the crib, she swept over. 'Oh, Alice, she's beautiful. Josh said she was divine. Maisy, isn't it? Don't you just love those old-fashioned names?'

  Alice couldn't help but be taken back by Linda's maternal tones but she forced a smile. After all, Linda was making an effort.

  'So you're not on call?' Alice asked again, wondering if she'd misheard Jeremy.

  'No, it's Mr Taylor's team tonight.' Linda gave her a questioning look. 'Why? Isn't work the last thing you should be worrying about with this little baby to look after?'

  Alice gave a wry laugh without bothering to answer.

  With Maisy to look after, work was one thing she definitely had to worry about. Almost on cue Maisy stirred in her crib and Linda wasted no time in asking if she might hold her.

  'Sure,' Alice replied, trying desperately to ignore the knot of tension in her stomach. But Linda, it would appear, had eyes only for the baby. Swooping little Maisy up, she rocked her gently and Alice started to relax.

  'She's beautiful, Alice, absolutely gorgeous. You must be so proud. I must admit, I do so admire you going it alone.' She glanced almost shyly over to where Alice lay. 'A dear friend of mine had a little boy a couple of years ago. I have no end of admiration for how she's coped. Mind you, she's had it tough.'

  'In what way?' Alice asked, more to make conversation than out of interest. She had problems enough of her own without hearing about one of Linda's friends.

  'Oh, you know, her boyfriend didn't want to know. Then suddenly when the baby was eighteen months old he found himself a nice wife, and after a year of trying with no babies coming he decided to file for custody.'

  Seeing Alice's alarmed face, Linda seemed to realise the distress she had caused and begged to reassure her. 'But it's nothing like that for you. I'm sorry, Alice, I shouldn't have brought it up. Marianne—my friend—as much as I love her and everything, well, suffice it to say it wasn't straightforward like you. She'd had other boyfriends before, during and after the pregnancy, hardly the stuff to make you sound favourable in front of the family law court when you're up against the picture of domesticity—her ex-boyfriend and his charming stay-at-home wife. Still, it's not as if anything like that could happen to you—we all know how upset you were when it ended with your boyfriend. If push came to shove I'm sure the courts would come down in your favour. After all, you're the child's mother and a doctor, too. A good job must surely count for something.'

  Alice somehow managed a polite murmur, but as Linda turned her attentions back to Maisy Alice felt the cold claws of panic clutching at her heart. Surely Marcus couldn't change his mind—surely not! But what if he did? What chance would an unemployed mother, living in a bedsit, have against an affluent dentist and his kindergarten teacher wife? And as for Jeremy, if anyone wanted to fight dirty there was plenty room for mud-slinging there! Goodness, she hadn't even waited until the baby was born before jumping into bed with the biggest rake in hospital history.

  Her first instinct was to grab Maisy back from Linda, to clutch her babe to her bosom and hold her, but Alice restrained herself, desperately trying to focus on the conversation. She was overreacting. Maisy was hers—surely there was no argument there?

  'What happened in the end?'

  'Sorry?' Linda gave her a bemused look.

  'To your friend with the baby—what happened in the end?'

  'Oh, it's still going on. The poor child spends half its time with each parent. Can't do it much good. Marianne is just about at her wits' end. I try to be as supportive as I can, but there's really not much I can do except listen, I guess, and try not to say "I told you so". Honestly, Alice, I'm only saying this because there's no chance of you meeting her, but I really have to bite my tongue sometimes. Marianne just carried on as if she was young, free and single. I know she's my friend and I know I don't speak from experience, but surely when you make the decision to have a baby sometimes you have to take the tough road. And if that means saying no to a hot date and staying home, well, surely that's what you have to do. The baby has to come first. But, then, I'm preaching to the converted. I know you'd think the same.' She gazed down at the now sleeping baby, her hard face softening somewhat. 'Wouldn't she, sweetie?' Linda crooned. 'Your mummy only wants what's best for you.'

  Alice was saved from any further details by the round, smiling face of the paediatrician peering round the door. 'Sorry I took so long to get here,' Mary Healesville needlessly apologised as she came in. 'I got waylaid upstairs. I was just hoping to check Maisy over before I sign her discharge papers. I thought it would be nice to have a chat, see if you've got any questions before you take her home.'

  Linda handed Maisy back to Alice. 'I'll be off, then. It was lovely seeing you, Alice.' She smiled at the paediatrician. 'It's Mary Blake, isn't it? You were a couple of years below me at medical school.'

  'That's right. I thought you looked familiar.' Mary shook Linda's hand. 'Actually, it's Healesville now, I got married last year. How about you?'

  'Oh, still McFarlane,' Linda replied with a slight edge to her voice. 'Work doesn't leave me much time for anything else. I'm working for Jeremy Foster now, not that you'd know it—he's been sick most of the time I've been on his team.'

  'Oh, yes, he's the one who had the big accident. It must* be good to have him back.' Mary turned to Alice, obviously concluding the conversation, but Linda still lingered.

  'Well, the young girls seem to think so, it doesn't matter how nicely you try to warn them. They still think they'll be the one that will change him and bring him to heel. That man leaves a trail of broken hearts everywhere. When will these girls realise that a man will say anything and I mean anything, to get a girl into bed, and it always ends in tears?'

  'Oh, well, you live and learn,' Mary said pleasantly, rolling her eyes for Alice's benefit. 'It was nice catching up with you, Linda, but I'll have to ask you to excuse us now. I really need to get on.'

  Thankfully Linda took her cue this time and left quietly. Only when the door was safely closed did Mary speak. 'Is she a friend of yours?'

  'Not really,' Alice replied diplomatically. 'A colleague.'

  Mary gave a knowing smile. 'That'd be right, you can choose your friends.'

  'I take it she wasn't the most popular girl at medical school?'

  'I'll say, and from what I've heard not much has changed. Now, on to far more pleasant matters—how's this gorgeous girl of yours doing? I see she's b
ack over her birth weight.'

  'No thanks to me.'

  Mary sat down on the bed. 'The breastfeeding's still not going well, then?'

  Alice's eyes brimmed and she shook her head, biting on her lip to stop the tears.

  'Alice, I know she's not tiny, like some of the premmies on special care, but she was still very small. With all the publicity you'd be forgiven for thinking that just under two kilos is a normal birth weight. Well, let me tell you it's not. These little ones take for ever to feed, they get easily exhausted from sucking and just when the first feed's over it's almost time to do battle for the next. It isn't any wonder breastfeeding doesn't always go well.'

  'But surely it's important, particularly with her being small, that I keep on trying. The midwives said—'

  'Alice, listen to me, please.'

  Alice stopped talking and stared at Maisy lying innocently in her arms.

  'Enjoy her, love her. That's what's most important. Don't get too bogged down in trying to do everything perfectly. They're pretty tough, these little ones. You're her mother and your best is more than good enough. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.'

  And when it was only Maisy and Alice left, and she'd struggled through yet another lengthy feed and Maisy had fallen into a rather more exhausted than contented sleep, Alice, hating herself for her lack of trust, finally picked up the telephone.

  'Melbourne City Hospital. Can I help you?'

  'It's Dr Masters here. I was wondering if you could tell me which surgical team is on call tonight.'

  'One moment, please, Dr Masters.' The wait was agony but finally the switchboard operator with a rustle of papers came back on the line and Alice held her breath as she awaited the information. 'Mr Taylor's the on-call surgeon tonight—can I page him for you?'

  'No, that won't be necessary. Thank you.'

  With a shaking hand she replaced the receiver and picked up the electric breast-pump from her bedside locker. Attaching the beastly shield to her breast, Alice flicked on the switch and lay there staring at Maisy as the rhythmic pumping of the machine tried to cajole the milk from her hopelessly unyielding breasts. If only, Alice thought ruefully as she labelled the paltry offering and wandered down to the fridge to store it, she was as successful at expressing as she was at crying. The tears she had shed would surely* have stocked the fridge for a week.

  That night was the worst yet. Perhaps sensing her mother's tension, Maisy was increasingly fretful, and sitting rocking her newborn, as the other babies seemed to slumber endlessly Alice had plenty of time to think.

  She loved Jeremy, that was a given. Loved the way he made her feel, the way his haughty, superior face softened when he spoke to her. Loved the way he touched her, moved her, engulfed her senses. And she loved him for outwitting the odds and making it through. Even though he had a past she loved the man it had made him—knowledgeable, aware, even sensitive, and a wonderful lover. But sometimes love itself just wasn't enough. Now, after the months of waiting, a new person had come into her life. A little lady had exploded into Alice's universe and she needed a mother, and not any old mother. The best mother in the world.

  A year ago, or even a couple of weeks ago, Alice would have been prepared to hedge her bets, to ride out the storm and see where her relationship with Jeremy was leading. But now... Now she was a mother, the only, parent of a beautiful daughter. What right did she have to jeopardise Maisy's security by chasing a dream?

  And Jeremy was a dream, Alice acknowledged with an involuntary sigh. How could she ever hold him? What chance did she have of holding the man dreams were made of, with a new baby, no job and strapped to a breast-pump for heaven knew how long? What competition was she against the Olivias and Carries of the world? What sort of life was she going to lead if she doubted his every move, had to ring to check where he was, if he really was on call? And when it all soured, as it surely would, who would suffer most? Maisy.

  'Can I get you a warm drink?' Alice jumped slightly as the midwife spoke. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, it's these rubber soles.'

  'No, I'm fine, thanks. I think she's finally gone off.' Easing herself out of the rocking chair, she gently laid Maisy into her crib then kissed the softest of cheeks. 'Goodnight, darling,' Alice whispered, pulling the bunny rug around Maisy's tiny shoulders. It was Maisy that mattered and, much as it galled her to agree with Linda, for once Alice acknowledged maybe she was right. It was time to take the tough road, to focus on her baby instead of herself. Her mind made up, Alice made her way wearily back to bed. Slipping between the sheets, she felt a spasm of fear. To-

  morrow she would leave the safety of the hospital. There would be no midwives, no doctors and, worst of all, no Jeremy.

  Now all she had to do was tell him.

  Alice deliberated long and hard as to how she was going to tell Jeremy. Her first instinct had been to discharge herself early and maybe explain later, but she knew this was unfair, and also there was some security in telling Jeremy in the hospital. There was surely less chance of there being a scene in the middle of the maternity ward. But as the clock edged past eleven-fifteen Alice wondered if she had been worrying about Jeremy's reaction unnecessarily. Perhaps he had decided already that Alice and Maisy were simply too much to take on.

  Finally he arrived. 'Sorry I'm late.' He placed a breathless kiss on her cheek. 'Oh, doesn't she look beautiful?'

  Maisy did look beautiful, dressed for the first time in 'real' clothes—a cherry-red one-piece with a matching red beret swamped her tiny frame. It was one of the many outfits Jeremy had bought her.

  'Are you all ready for the off?'

  Alice swallowed hard. 'What's this?' she asked, prolonging the agony as she pointed to a padded velour baby car seat, which looked impossibly new and ludicrously expensive. 'I was going to hire a capsule from the hospital.'

  'Well, then, I've saved you a job,' he said lightly, scooping up Maisy and carefully strapping her into the seat. 'I bought the nurses a huge cheesecake. I thought you might like to give it to them for their morning tea. Is there anything else you need to do?'

  It would seem Jeremy had planned for everything—everything except the words that faltered from Alice's lips.

  'You didn't have to do all that.'

  'I know.' He grinned. 'I wanted to.'

  'You might wish you hadn't after you hear what I've got to say.' She watched his face slip as she broke the news. 'I'm sorry if I've misled you Jeremy, but I can't go on seeing you.'

  'What do you mean?'

  Alice swallowed a huge lump. 'Just that. I've been doing a lot of thinking. You know—about me and Maisy and how it has to be. And it can't be with you. I have to do this alone.'

  Jeremy shook his head fiercely. 'No, you don't. Alice, you don't. Whatever the problem is, we can sort it out. I love you, Alice, don't shut me out now.'

  But Alice was adamant. 'It's not going to work. It's better this way.'

  'Better? Better! Better for who?'

  'For all of us,' she tried to reason. 'You could have anyone, it's just your confidence is low at the moment. Sooner or later you'll get back on your feet and realise the mistake you've made, and then you'll hurt us. Not deliberately, maybe, but the day will come.'

  'No,' Jeremy denied. 'No, it won't. I know that you and Maisy are what I want.'

  'For now. But she's not your baby, Jeremy. One day down the track you're going to realise what you've taken on and wonder what the hell you've done. You'll look at Maisy and see she's not yours.'

  She had known it would be difficult, but seeing tears in his eyes, his beautiful strong face crumpled and destroyed, Alice felt like the biggest bitch in the world.

  'How can you say that?' he demanded. 'How can you say that when every time I look in her eyes I only see you. I promised Maisy that first night, when you were sleeping and I held her, I promised her I would always be there for her, always do my best for her.'

  For a second she wavered. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she could be the o
ne to hold him. But as Maisy let out a tiny wail she fought back her doubts. She had to stay strong.

  'It wasn't your place to be making those sorts of promises. I'm sorry, Jeremy.'

  'Everything all right?' Bridgette's concerned face appeared at the door.

  'Fine,' Alice said, trying to compose herself. 'I was just about to ring for a taxi.

  But Jeremy stood firm. 'She's not going home from a hospital in a taxi.' He picked up the handle of the car seat. 'At least let me do this for her.'

  And so Bridgette came down with them to the car park. The bright sun seemed alien to Alice after so long indoors. Her legs felt unsteady and unused to the distance. Jeremy's car didn't look quite so sophisticated with a huge bolt and baby-seat holder strapped in place.

  'All fitted correctly.' Bridgette tried to lighten the mood. 'You are good. More often than not, the bolt's still in the wrapper and I'm asked to install it. I should start charging.'

  Jeremy gave a thin smile. 'That was nearly me. I spent the morning fiddling in the garage, then finally had to admit defeat and rush back to the shop to beg them to help. That's why I was late,' he added.

  The journey home was a nightmare. Neither tried to make small talk—the only saving grace was that Maisy slept. Any attempt at independence for Alice was further thwarted when they arrived at her flat. She carried Maisy in as Jeremy followed with her endless bags. Opening the door, she thought her heart would burst as she held back the tears. No wonder he had been late. Everywhere she looked there were pink balloons and streamers, a huge banner proclaiming Welcome Home, a bottle of champagne chilling in the sink, surrounded by ice. A huge basket of goodies was awaiting her inspection. She stood there quite still, surveying his work, unable to speak as she heard him come up the hallway and enter the flat.

  'That's everything. I'll be off, then. I expect you want to be alone now.'

  Bending down, she started to unclasp Maisy. 'You'd better take this.'

  'Keep it,' he said grimly.

  'What would I need a car seat for, Jeremy? I haven't even got a car.'