Sophie’s Legacy

by Lesley Elliot

  Criminal trials are always stressful. In murder trials particularly, the tension is high and prosecutors will often be frantically busy and focused. It is easy and understandable for that distraction to be misinterpreted by victims’ families as insensitivity and remoteness. It is our practice to explain before trial that there will be times when we may appear rude and uncommunicative because we are focused on the trial. Again, experience suggests that most if not all families are indulgent and understanding of this. Even so, in most murder trials there is more than one prosecuting counsel, so usually there can be a division of responsibility between them as to who should be engaging with the family and when. Again, this recognises the core responsibility which every prosecutor owes towards the victims of crime. But there is an even more fundamental obligation which, in my view, is derived from the moral obligation and a sense of fairness and empathy which we all owe to each other as citizens in this wonderful country.

  That is Simon’s model. If it works in Auckland, why can’t it be successful everywhere? Both Lesley and Gil feel strongly that victims in the future need a better level of consideration when it comes to the trial. Almost all of the issues they faced could have been addressed, minimised or may not even have arisen had there been the kind of collaboration the Auckland service follows.

  If there is anything positive that comes from the trial of Clayton Weatherston it is that victims need to be included in the process. It can be done and it should be done. Mark Henaghan believes that is where Sophie’s Legacy will be so valuable: ‘Here is the story of someone who has been through the system. We can learn from Lesley’s experience and hopefully make future events more bearable.’

  On 20 April 2011 Justice Minister Simon Power announced his intention to introduce several changes to Parliament — the most significant being a greater scope for victims to express their feelings through victim impact statements and better victim/prosecutor communication. Mr Power said victims can find the criminal justice system bewildering and have expressed frustration and a sense of helplessness in the face of a system that is slow and unresponsive to their needs. Perhaps the most significant change proposed is that prosecutors will be required to meet family members of a murder victim prior to a hearing or trial.

  These two key issues are ones the Elliotts feel most strongly about in their quest for change. It seems they have been listened to.

  The final page of Gil’s victim impact statement as given to him to read aloud.

  8

  the sophie elliott foundation—

  Following Sophie’s death, my mantra over those first few weeks was ‘Why?’ Why did he kill her in such a violent way? Why did he come armed to our home to carry out his murderous act even knowing I was there to witness the attack? Why did he hate Sophie so much that he had to totally destroy her looks, her beauty and her sexuality? Why? Why? Why? Sophie didn’t deserve this — no one does.

  When the officer in charge of the inquiry phoned to say Charlotte had come forward with information about Weatherston’s unreported assaults on her, I cried with relief. As strange as it seemed I saw Charlotte’s willingness to talk as the answer to my whys. As the story unwound I realised that Sophie had experienced a typical abusive relationship and, by implication, so had I. Where I felt privileged that Sophie could trust me enough to share details of her life, it meant I was as overwhelmed by this strange relationship with Weatherston as she was. At one stage Sophie told me, ‘He’s doing my head in.’ I realise now he was doing mine in too.

  I had to know more so I Googled ‘women and abuse’. I’d never been terribly interested or had a need to consider the subject in any depth. I chose the site of an organisation I had heard of — Women’s Refuge. There on the screen was a well-laid-out page and as I scrolled down the sidebar, I saw ‘definitions and effects of violence’. Here were pages of information describing so well what Sophie had experienced. Again I cried but this time uncontrollably. It was at least an hour before I could compose myself.

  If only I had known the signs. If only I had known who to turn to. I could have shown it to Sophie and she, like me, would have realised the behaviour Weatherston was exhibiting was classic abuse. Much has been made of his narcissistic personality disorder but don’t be fooled into thinking this was an excuse for his behaviour or that he couldn’t help himself. Had we known then what I know now, Sophie’s relationship with Clayton Weatherston would have ended before it even got off the ground. Reading the Women’s Refuge site was something of an epiphany. I made up my mind there and then that Sophie’s legacy would be for me to reach out to young women still in the latter years of high school and show them the sort of things Sophie and I had missed. There is a tremendous amount of work being done by organisations supporting women (and their children) in abusive situations and I wholly admire and support them. What I’m more concerned about, however, is the area of primary prevention. I wanted to tell Sophie’s story.

  I felt I had to talk to young women and tell them about Sophie’s experience. My thoughts went to Sophie’s high school. In Year 13 the girls used to have informal forums in their common room. I wanted to go to one, sit on the floor among the cushions and talk to the girls about Sophie’s relationship. I am not a counsellor or trained in this field but I know what I needed to tell the girls. In summing up I would say, ‘If you feel unsafe with your boyfriend, you probably are and need to get out.’ Three years down the track I still feel the same. This is to be my legacy to my darling daughter. I have to do this for her; she would want me to.

  The suddenness and brutality of Sophie’s death certainly touched a lot of people’s hearts and it is through what happened that I have been able to establish the Sophie Elliott Foundation. I was fortunate that as the idea of the Foundation was starting to gain momentum I was contacted by two women with a passion for and insight into partner abuse prevention. Through their contact and encouragement the seeds of the Foundation were sown. Sophie and I owe them such a debt of gratitude.

  Heather Henare, the CEO of Women’s Refuge, called me and we talked for at least an hour after one horrible day in court. I can’t remember much of what she said but it was basically that it was not Sophie’s fault. I will never forget this gesture of encouragement to someone she did not know. Then I had contact with Ruth Herbert, a long-standing campaigner for abused women. She is a former abused woman herself and has supported many others. Another was Kristin Dunne-Powell, an abuser’s partner. Kristin had expressed a desire to support me as she realised her injuries could have had the same outcome as Sophie’s.

  Kristin and Ruth came to Weatherston’s sentencing in Christchurch and supported us and our family and friends. We talked and they, too, had the same agenda as I did — primary prevention — not the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff picking up the pieces, but a good sturdy fence at the top! From there, with Ruth’s contacts and enthusiasm and Kristin’s communication skills, we approached the Families Commission and with support from the Ministry of Social Development we put together a proposal. With their help, and the free time and expertise of others, we were on our way to forming a trust. I wanted it to be called a foundation as to me these are the building blocks of a project. I didn’t know how I was ever going to do this on my own.

  The Sophie Elliott Foundation is now in operation. I am proud of what has been achieved and so indebted to the four other trustees who worked so tirelessly. We were very lucky to have a lawyer in Auckland, Katie, who liaised with one of our trustees. She did this pro bono as her support for the cause. We were also very fortunate to have a graphic designer, Scott, who designed the logo and webpage, also in his own time. To me he captured Sophie beautifully, basing his design on a caricature Sophie had drawn of herself, which made it all very special. Sophie would have loved it. There was such a lot of paperwork and I think without this amazing support I would have given up. Thank you all for your talent and effort.

  The trustees include an accountant, a lawyer, a financial planner and a
communications specialist. Each one of them brings particular expertise and the Foundation has a professional team behind it. For my part I have done a considerable number of speaking engagements to audiences of adults and young women. I want to get the message out there to anyone who will listen. As hard as it is, I want to spare other families the grief that we suffer.

  The aims of the Foundation are simple. Our main aim is to raise the awareness of all young women and their families and friends to the signs of partner abuse, without blame or judgement. There is currently no national programme in place that teaches our young people how to recognise the warning signs and risk factors, which is putting them at great risk of harm. What happened to Sophie could happen to anyone so through the Foundation we want New Zealand people and companies to fund a nationwide safe relationship education programme. If we are truly primary prevention focused, we have to encourage young and adult men to actively oppose violence against women, and promote a culture of non-violence and respect. We acknowledge that the vast majority of men in New Zealand are caring and loving partners, and we seek their partnership.

  There is plenty of research material available for me to feel confident at the direction we are taking. Youth dating relationships have a higher level of emotional and physical violence than any other age group. Young people aged 15–24 are the age group most at risk of physical, psychological and sexual victimisation; among couples aged 21, an alarming 48 per cent have reported being physically abused by their partner. Regrettably a woman is murdered in New Zealand by a partner or ex-partner every 26 days. These are shocking revelations. What I hope to see is a profound shift in New Zealand attitudes towards relationship violence, so that the next generation can recognise and reject all signs of abuse, power and control. I want to help prevent the abuse and murder of women at the hands of their boyfriends and partners. I want to do that in Sophie’s honour.

  Occasionally I have had to question what I’m doing and why. My full-time job as a neonatal nurse is now part time as three days a week in the stressful environment of intensive care is as much as I can take. On days off I generally throw myself into Foundation business. It’s rewarding work but I am frequently reminded of why I’m doing it. I would rather have Sophie with us still. Every day I miss her more, many days I weep, and nearly three years on the loss doesn’t lessen — if anything it gets worse. The trustees and others who have supported me, along with the stories and encouragement I get from other women, makes me realise it is worth the effort. I feel if I didn’t have this I would struggle to get out of bed each morning.

  I have a message for the young women of New Zealand: if you have a boyfriend whose behaviour makes you feel unsafe, it probably is. Share your feelings with someone close like your mum or your girlfriend, anyone, then seek out some advice with your special friend. Access the Women’s Refuge website. Look at the section on definitions and effects of abuse. Tick the boxes and see what the results say about your relationship. The Foundation website also lists the signs of abuse that parents and friends should look for as well as a list of available contacts. Identifying the early signs of abuse in relationships and dating violence is a key to prevention, so don’t hesitate to seek help. Advice costs nothing. If your safety is at risk, go to your local police station for advice and support.

  I’m extremely proud of our Foundation and website. I’m enthusiastic and committed to helping our young women stay safe. Kristin suggested that we use media students from the Auckland University of Technology to launch the Sophie Elliott Foundation. They did this as an exercise overseen by Associate Professor Martin Hirst. Sophie would have loved this project. The six students were young and energetic just like her and it seemed totally appropriate.

  We have researched around the world for ‘best practice’ prevention, education and awareness programmes in high schools and universities. Australia, America and Canada have advanced and proven programmes so why not have one here in New Zealand? We have met with leading experts in New Zealand and intend adopting a prevention programme to meet our needs.

  Developing a suitable programme is going to be costly and one of the major efforts of the Foundation is fundraising. New Zealanders can make donations to further our work by looking on our website or directly by cheque or automatic transfer. The royalties from this book are going to support the Foundation.

  I am as proud of this Foundation as I was of my daughter Sophie. If you have been touched by my story of her, and if you support our aims and efforts, please lend your support. Preventing injury or death of a young woman at the hands of a violent man is surely something we should all aspire to. I know Sophie would agree.

  Women’s Refuge

  www.womensrefuge.co.nz

  Sophie Elliott Foundation

  www.sophieelliottfoundation.co.nz

  Automatic transfers or personal deposits can be made to the Foundation through our Westpac account 03 0905 0535552 00 or by cheque to The Sophie Elliott Foundation, c/- NZ Financial Planning, PO Box 5844, Dunedin 9058.

  epilogue—

  When the evilness of a Clayton Weatherston enters your life, the repercussions are dramatic. Losing a loved one is traumatic enough but in a case of murder there are other considerations, often out of our control. One I didn’t fully appreciate was the role of the media. I never sought or wanted a public profile. I was always content to just be Lesley Elliott, never dreaming that I would appear on television, in newspapers and on the cover of magazines. Had Sophie not died as she did, I would still be as anonymous as most other people and happy to be just me. There were requests for radio interviews, appearances on television current affairs programmes, newspaper and women’s magazine interviews. I never wanted this attention but have had to adapt. Saying nothing to some media isn’t an option because all that does is give rise to speculation and rumour which, if not countered, has the potential to get out of hand. I turned down one women’s magazine as they rang just before the trial. I explained my reasoning to the reporter and she said she understood. They ran a story anyway.

  I accept the media has an important role in keeping people informed. In distasteful circumstances it is important that accurate reporting takes place for how else do we learn so we can prevent or minimise future tragedies? And I acknowledge that I need the media to achieve the aims of the Sophie Elliott Foundation. Even knowing and accepting the inevitability of media coverage, I still found the process terribly invasive. But that’s just the way it is.

  In the first days of this terrible tragedy the police offered us advice on how to handle the media. Initially we wondered why we would possibly need training. We soon found out. In any high-profile crime the family, whether they like it or not, can very quickly have the spotlight shone upon them. And believe me the spotlight can be very bright. Wherever we went during the trial, television cameras seemed to be there — going into court, going back to the apartment, during recesses, after the verdict. It was constant.

  Since the High Court trial and sentencing of Weatherston, I have not shied away from fronting the media. I still have the same reservations and it is just as nerve-wracking to appear on television. But I do it now in support of the Sophie Elliott Foundation and I feel as if Sophie’s somewhere near, gently guiding me and supporting me to carry on, which comforts me.

  Sometimes unexpected media events literally throw me off my stride. One example was a television appearance in October 2010 following the launch of the Sophie Elliott Foundation. I had been invited by TV One’s Close Up to appear and talk to Mark Sainsbury about the Foundation’s aims. The chairman of the Foundation, Neville Caird, was also invited to take part and we arrived at the studio about half an hour before we were due to go on live. Suddenly the producer went totally against the agreement and said I alone was going into the studio. Neville, as chairman, should have been there as he had a valuable contribution to make. But no, the producer’s word was final and he was adamant I would front the cameras alone. I almost refused to take part. The clock w
as ticking and there was only just enough time to have make-up applied and to be seated in the studio before going to air. No time for debate. Had I refused to take part, especially after TV One had been running promos all day, it would have looked bad for me, the Foundation, and all I was trying to achieve. So I agreed to television’s demands. What could possibly go wrong? Surely I could do this without Neville’s help. How naïve I was.

  Rather than going straight into an interview about the Foundation, Mark began with an introduction. I hadn’t been warned this would happen and there on the screen in front of me was archival footage from the trial of me telling the court what I witnessed the day Sophie died. The memories came flooding back. I remained as calm as possible and someone remarked a few days later how composed I appeared. Outwardly I may have seemed calm, but inside I was emotionally stunned. I came within millimetres of crying. That would have been so undignified and would have spoiled any chance I had of putting across what I needed to say about the Foundation. I have this overwhelming desire to do what’s right by Sophie and have vowed to represent her as she deserves to be represented.

  In 2010 a Wellington gallery invited artists to participate in a portrait competition. One of the entries was a 2.5m-tall charcoal and acrylic work depicting Weatherston by Liam Gerrard. While I don’t doubt the talent of the artist and believe in freedom of expression, I didn’t feel it was an appropriate choice. The entry left organisers in a difficult position and discussions around the portrait’s appropriateness generated controversy with considerable media comment. Once again I saw on television and in the Otago Daily Times the face of the man who killed my daughter. I don’t suppose I can really expect media to warn me beforehand when things are being publicised, but it might lessen the shock. Sometimes murder victims’ families think the media are being insensitive. Perhaps they are and one would like to think they might show a little more compassion at times. I’m a realist and know the speed of news reporting today probably makes it difficult to take the feelings of others into account. Nevertheless, being unexpectedly reminded of events can be very hard to cope with. As it turned out I later visited the portrait gallery while working for Sophie’s Foundation. At first I didn’t connect the gallery with the Weatherston portrait but the owner recognised me and explained how she had tried to phone me before the media ran the story. Typical of our privacy laws, her efforts were thwarted by the various people she had phoned. I do believe she did her best to let me know what was about to be revealed and I do appreciate her efforts and concern.