by Lisa Kleypas
Adeline Warner and Addie Peck were one and the same. One woman, two different lifetimes. She'd been born twice, once in I860 and once in I9I0… both lives were combined in her, and she remembered parts of each.
Terrified, Addie pushed herself away from the corral and began to run. It didn't matter that there was nowhere to run to. She had to find a place to hide, long enough to be away from everyone and think. She couldn't go back into the house. She couldn't face anyone.
"Addie?"
The soft inquiry stopped her in her tracks. She looked at the bunkhouse steps where Ben sat with a guitar resting across his knees, slender steel strings trailing from the neck of it. He set the guitar to the side and stood up, his eyes narrowed. "Addie, what's wrong?" She couldn't move, just stared mutely as he walked over to her. "What happened?"
"N-nothing-"
"Did Diaz say something to upset you?"
"No. Please don't touch me. Don't." She quivered as his hands closed over her arms, his thumbs fitting in the hollows of her inner elbows. The touch of his hands was warm. He peered into her pale face and slid his arm around her shoulders, urging her toward the house.
"Come with me. I'll take you back."
"No," Addie said, trying to pull away from him.
"Okay… okay. Don't get all worked up. Come here." He pulled her to one of the sheds next to the corral, hidden from view, and turned her to face him. The outline of his shoulders was crisp against the night sky. He was strong enough to do anything he wished, strong enough to kill. But his hands were gentle as they clasped her arms. She knew he could feel her trembling. "We're going to talk, Addie."
"I… I can't."
"What did Diaz say to you? Just tell me. I'll take care of it. "
"No, don't talk to him," she managed to say. "Don't."
"I will if you don't tell me what's wrong."
She shook her head helplessly. "Everything's wrong, especially me. Everything's wrong." Unconsciously she gripped his forearms, her face tinted white in the early-evening light. "Ben, I'm different than before, aren't I? Don't you see a difference? You said I'd changed since that afternoon. You said it yourself."
A frown inserted itself between his slanting brows. "You mean the afternoon when Cade and I couldn't find you in town?"
"Yes. I've been different since then. Like another woman."
"Not that different."
"Yes, I am," she insisted, her nails digging into his forearms. Ben didn't seem to notice the pain of it as he stared down at her. "You said even my face was different.”
"So I did," he said lightly. "Yes, I've noticed a few changes in you." A teasing note entered his voice. "Welcome ones."
"I know things I didn't know before. And I can't ride as well as I used to. I'm not that Adeline Warner anymore."
"Why is it so important to be different from the way you were before? I wouldn't disclaim everything about the old Adeline if I were you." His cool, sensible manner made her feel a little better. She envied his control, his lack of fear. How wonderful it would be to look at the world as he did and believe that everything was rational and in perfect order. "There were a few things about you I'd come to admire."
"How am I different?"
"There are thing about you I didn't notice before, I guess." Ben paused and let go of her arms, bracing them on the wall behind her, forming a circle that enclosed her securely. "You're softer, somehow. You have more compassion. And you have the sweetest smile I've… " Their eyes met in the darkness, and Addie felt every bone in her body dissolve. Weakly she leaned back against the wall, her breath shortening. "You've always seemed pretty callous for a woman," Ben continued. "On the outside as innocent as a baby, on the inside as hard-hearted and cash minded as any painted cat in Abilene-"
"What's a painted cat?" she whispered, and he laughed quietly.
"Ever hear of a bawdy house, honey?" The word "honey" was a casual endearment that everyone used. But when Ben said it, it was an audible caress.
"Oh," she said, her face coloring. "How can you be so rude when-"
"We seem to have a problem understanding each other, Adeline. How did you manage to learn so many new words and forget so many old ones?"
"I… I don't know."
"The way you look right now is different from before. As if you need someone to take care of you. You've leaned on Russ in the past, haven't you? He's solved your problems, shouldered your burdens. But for some reason, you haven't been leaning on him lately. Why not? Have you two had a falling-out? Is that the problem?"
"No. Don't ask questions, I'm tired of questions, and I don't need someone to take care of me-"
"Yes, you do. There's been a hungry look in your eyes for days. A look of needing a man. Isn't Jeff fulfilling his role as your nearly-betrothed?"
Flinching, she turned away and tried to leave, but he wouldn't let her. His hands rested on her shoulders, and the hint of strength in his grip promised to increase if she didn't hold still. The protective walls around her heart seemed to crumble. The more she tried to steel herself against him, the more helpless she was. There was a dreamlike stillness between them, as each tried to see into the mystery of the other.
"No, he isn't," Ben said huskily, breaking the silence. "And you're looking for something better. So you're beginning to see him for what he is, hmmn?"
"No, I'm not! I mean, yes, I know what he is, and I like him just fine!"
"You like him for his looks and his money, and of course, his amiable personality. And at the same time you despise him for being a weak fool. No woman can stand a man who'll let her control him."
She glared at him, the line of her jaw showing through the delicate roundness of her cheek as she clenched her teeth. "You're making me sound awful. I'm not like that. "
"I've had you figured from the first moment we met. Oh, there've been some revisions along the way, but I've still got you down right."
"You couldn't begin to understand me," she said, her voice locked high in her throat.
“You know what a mavericker is, Addie?"
“A cattle thief."
"An entrepreneur. He doesn't let anyone stand between him and what he wants. I'm that way by nature, Addie, and so are you. And neither of us has respect for any folk who'll let us take advantage of them. I have a feeling it won't be long before Jeff's charms are going to pall, and you'll start looking for someone who won't let you manipulate him. Don't look so offended. You know it's the truth. "
"It is not," she said swiftly. "You don't know the first thing about me, or about what's between me and Jeff."
His smile was taunting. "Don't I?"
"No," she said coolly. "Jeff is more than man enough to take care of me. And I don't manipulate him!"
Ben grinned, noting that her paleness had been replaced by a healthy flush of indignation. "Be honest. You lead him around by the nose. "
"I don't!"
He smiled mockingly. "Such impressive loyalty to a man who doesn't know the first thing about you. I'd bet my last cent your conversations with him aren't worth a good cuss. But maybe it isn't his mind you're interested in. Possibly he provides a good roll in the grass. Admittedly his looks are passable, and then there's that mighty attractive ranch his father owns-"
"My relationship with Jeff is none of your beeswax!"
"None of my what?"
"You know what I mean!"
His eyes twinkled, and she realized he was laughing at her. "Yes, I know what you mean."
She was struck by the thought that he was Russell's mortal enemy. She desperately wanted it not to be true. "Ben… you would never hurt my father, would you?"
"Hurt Russ?" He looked startled. "God Almighty, no. Of course not. What gave you that idea?"
"He trusts you more than he trusts anyone else. You're closer to him than anyone. You're in a good position to hurt him. "
Ben's face went blank, as if a mask had slipped into place. All his warmth fled in an instant. "I owe him my loyalty. He gave
me a new start when I needed one, a chance to work hard and get paid well for it. And honor aside, I have practical reasons to justify his trust in me. Why should I bite the hand that feeds me? I'd be crazy to hurt him." He straightened away from her and tilted his head toward the house. "Come on. I'll walk you back." His lips curved in a humorless smile. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have a talent for spoiling a mood, Addie?"
"What kind of mood?"
Ben laughed, shaking his head, and he took her arm. "Sometimes-not often-Jeff Johnson has my sympathy. Come on."
4
THE BUGGY PULLED AWAY FROM THE MAIN HOUSE AS Watts clicked to the horse, and Caroline settled more comfortably in the wicker seat. "Caro, is this going to jolt you too much?" Adeline asked worriedly, fussing with the pillows and sliding another one behind her back. "If it's at all dangerous for you to be going to town with me, I'II-"
"No, I'm not that far along yet. And I just have to get away from the ranch for a little while or I'll scream. Don't you remember how I was with Leah? I could go anywhere and do practically anything up to the last week. No, maybe you don't remember too well. You were just ten years old. Isn't it funny, that Mama had us ten years apart and I'm havin' this one ten years after Leah? She'll probably be a second mother to this baby just like I was to you. "
The two women spoke in near-whispers to keep from embarrassing Watts, the ranch hand who was driving them to town. Babies and childbirth were women's matters, ones that men liked to hear about as little as possible. If Watts heard anything they said, he didn't let on. He was a quiet man, a few years older than Addie, a little less than average height, but stocky and broad-shouldered. His dark blue eyes were often filled with equal parts of mischief and malice. Though he'd been perfectly polite, Addie was vaguely uncomfortable whenever she spoke to him directly. He treated her with such overdone respect it almost smacked of contempt, and she had no idea why.
"Have you decided on the names for the baby yet?" she asked Caroline.
"If it's a boy, Russell. And if it's a girl, Sarah. After our great-grandmother."
"Yes," Addie said, feeling a lump of pleasure-pain in her throat. "That's a pretty name." That was the right name. Her mother's name. But she won't be my mother anymore. Not if I'm already here. Not if I'm Adeline Warner. What an intriguing thought. Maybe she would be around to see Sarah grow up, come to know her as she never had been able to before.
Every now and then Addie wondered still if she were in the middle of a dream. In this moment, as she looked into Caroline's pretty flushed face, she knew it was real. The sun on her back was real. The jostling of the buggy and the mounted figures of cowboys in the distance weren't the products of a dream. She couldn't deny what was in front of her eyes. But could she ever stop grieving for the loss of the life she had known?
It was difficult to know how she felt about the Warners. She liked them, she felt a casual sort of affection for them all, but she certainly didn't have the kind of love for May and Russell that a daughter should have for her parents. Cade and Caroline were both likable, but she felt no strong attachment to either of them. She didn't know them.
"As soon as I have the baby, Peter and I are going to move our little family to North Carolina," Caroline said. "And I can hardly wait."
"Do you have to?" Addie protested. "North Carolina's so far away."
"Mama's people already have a job lined up for him, and we'll get a real nice welcome from them. And I know Leah will love it there."
She won't. She'll come back to Texas someday. "Couldn't Peter do something in Dallas, or someplace closer? I know he doesn't like ranching, but there are other things in Texas he could-"
"It's Texas we want to move away from, Adeline. Oh, you look like Daddy did when I told him that! I'm just not a Texan at heart. I don't see the same things in it that the rest of y' all do, and neither does Peter. This land looks barren to me. It's desolate… lonely… and sometimes it's so boring I could die for want of something to do. Don't you think of it as a mournful place?"
Addie looked out over the endless plains of summer grass and tried to see it that way. But the sky was brilliant with sunshine, and her eye kept moving from red-orange clusters of Indian paintbrush to cottonwood and mesquite trees. Further out were fields of yellow-eyed bluebonnets, rippling like a violet ocean when the wind blew. The men were working hard on the land, tending the cattle. This land, this life, held an irresistible attraction for them. Addie hadn't understood it before, but she was beginning to.
Any other place in the world would have been too crowded. Here the men had a huge expanse of range to ride, where they worked until they were bone-weary, and when their day was over they came back to the mess-house and the appetizing smells of sourdough bread and meat smoked over mesquite wood. If the night was warm, they brought their bedrolls and mattresses outside and slept under the open sky. The cowboys didn't find this life unbearably lonely. It was as civilized as they could stand. And for the family there were weddings, picnics, barbecues, quiltings, dances, and shooting tournaments, almost no end of excuses to see people and call on neighbors if you got lonely for company.
"No, I never think of it as a mournful place," she said thoughtfully. "Or boring. There's always something to do and something happening. I'd rather be in Texas than anywhere. "
"Even after you went to school for two years in Virginia? I don't understand you, Adeline. How could you choose this dusty old ranch over a civilized place to live in, with lots of people around and modem conveniences…"
Addie stopped listening as Caroline continued to talk about the wonders of city living. She could picture Sunrise as it would be fifty years from now, replete with modem conveniences Caroline couldn't even imagine. Had that Sunrise she had known been preferable to this? Maybe not. You could be just as lonely with lots of people around. Being happy was more than that, more than having stores and automobiles and movie theaters close by. Being happy was something that had always eluded her, and would continue to, until she found the answers to questions she had only begun to ask herself. I think I'd be happy if I had someone to share things with. Someone who needed me. And then maybe she wouldn't care where or when she was living.
"… there's no future for Peter here," Caroline was saying. "He's not the kind of man who'll be happy on a ranch. He needs a nice job in an office somewhere, where he can earn a living with his mind, not his hands. He's not interested in a bunch of mangy old cows, and there's no point in him trying to be. The only man capable of filling Daddy's shoes is Ben, and everyone knows it."
Confusion again. Always that first clutching sensation of confusion when she thought of Ben and Russell. Why was she cursed with the knowledge of their destinies? She wished she didn't know. Knowing was a terrible responsibility, the responsibility of preserving Russell's life and maintaining her guard against Ben at all times. But how, how could Ben have done it? There must be two men living in his skin.
"Look over there," Caroline said, and Addie saw a rider approaching them at an easy canter. Even before she saw his face, she knew it was Ben by the familiar tilt of his low-crowned felt hat. The front of the brim was angled low over his forehead in a way that meant business. Only a tenderfoot or a dandy wore his hat on the back of his head.
Ben rode his horse parallel to the buggy and slowed to a walk, touching the brim of his hat in a respectful gesture as he nodded to Addie and Caroline. "Well, if it isn't the two prettiest women in Texas."
"Hello," Caroline said, smiling sunnily, while Addie pretended interest in the scenery on the other side of the buggy. "What are you up and about this mornin', Ben?"
"Work as usual." He smiled raffishly. "But if I had the time, I'd take you to town myself and buy you the tallest glasses of lemonade you've ever seen. "
A full-blown simper appeared on Caroline's face in less than five seconds. "Oh, you slick-tongued rascal. Isn't he a honey, Adeline?"
Addie turned her head to regard Ben impassively. He looked impossibly virile, cla
d in the standard uniform of Levi's, boots, and a worn shirt. The sunlight glowed in his eyes and along the edges of his cheekbones. He was one of the few men on the ranch who shaved every day, but his beard was so dark there was always a shadow of bristle on the lower half of his face. She wondered how his jaw would feel against her fingertips-smooth in one direction, sandpapery in the other. It was part of what made him so dangerous, his vibrant attractiveness. Why couldn't he have been ugly?
"Aren't you supposed to be working?" she asked curtly.
"Adeline, how rude," Caroline said in protest.
"Well, around this time he's usually roping, dehorning, or debogging something. Are you taking a rest today, Mr. Hunter?"
Ben smiled and reached in his shirt pocket to pull out a white slip of paper. He handed it to the cowboy at the front of the buggy. "Watts, this is a list of supplies for you to pick up in town. Just charge them to the General Store account."
" Alrighty." Watts pocketed the list.
"Mrs. Ward," Ben said to Caroline, "it's going to be a hot day. Are you sure you're up to it?" Which was a tactful way of referring to her pregnancy. As he addressed Caroline, his manner was so friendly and concerned that Addie was surprised and perhaps even a little resentful. He never behaves that way with me. He was always mocking her. Just once I'd like him to ask me something in that tone of voice!
"I'm just fine, thank you," Caroline replied, daintily twirling the silk-wrapped handle of her sage-green parasol. "Just eager for a change of scenery. Don't worry 'bout me."
"In that case, I'll be getting back to work. But I have to leave you with a warning, Mrs. Ward."
"Oh?"
"Keep a close eye on your sister. She's mighty hard to keep track of in town. She'll disappear before you can blink twice."
"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't," Addie said. "It depends on the people I'm with."
Ben smiled sardonically while his eyes made a thorough study of her. He noticed the hat perched on top of her piled-up hair, a frilly little hat decorated with artificial strawberries and pale pink netting. Slowly his gaze wandered from the little white collar of her dusty rose princess dress to the rows of tiny folds that demurely emphasized the fullness of her breasts.